A Very Special Hanukkah Presentation to Air January 15

Hollywood - American Film Studios will air their multi-million dollar film project A Very Special Hanukkah on January 15, seventeen days after the end of this year’s Jewish holiday.

The film’s producers decided to go ahead with the airing of the project before receiving confirmation of the actual days the holiday falls on, assuring that the masterpiece production could not wait another year.

“You figure it’s eight or nine days somewhere around Christmastime so we’re bound to hit one of the nights,” executive producer Phil Jameson said.


A Very Special Hanukkah is a morality tale of an old and bitter miser, Ebenezer Schwartz, who undergoes a profound experience of redemption over the course of the eight nights of Hanukkah. Cast includes Will Smith as Ebenezer Schwartz, Angela Lansbury as the Ghost of Hanukkah Past, and Macaulay Culkin as Tiny Jordan, among other Hollywood gentiles.

“None of the Jewish actors could partake in filming between December 22 and 29, and those were crucial days for this production,” director George Donce said.

Atheist Family Gets Into Holiday Spirit

Providence, RI – This year the Pickerel family will engage in their first ever Christmas celebration to end a generations-long ban on religious holidays.

To properly get into the spirit, mother Carol Pickerel placed all of the gifts under their Hoover power stick, and alternated turning on lights in various rooms of the home.

“I think the lights will let Jesus know that people live here when he comes down the chimney to collect his presents.” Ms. Pickerel said.

Brothers White and Hanon say they left an assortment of old comic books and yo-yos for the son of God, and Mrs. Pickerel and her husband Karl wrapped pairs of infant socks to keep Jesus’ feet warm while he treks around the world in one night.

“Someone said something about leaving cookies, but I thought some Gerber bananas and broccoli were healthier for a new-born,” Mr. Pickerel said.

The non-believing family hopes their efforts will fill the professed “void in their lives,” and they vow to not give up hope until they find the religiously affiliated holiday that brings them joy.

“We can just believe in holidays,” Mrs. Pickerel concluded.

Christmas Lights Display at Center of Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad quelled foreign suspicion today when he divulged the country’s nuclear plan to generate enough energy to support the 800,000 watts Christmas lights display being made to help Westernize the nation.

U.S. leaders and U.N. officials have been suspicious of Iran’s vague uranium enrichment program, and have already imposed three sets of U.N. sanctions and U.S. measures. But after news of Iran’s true nuclear ambitions, countries are requesting a pardon and offering to assist.

“We will teach you how to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, and we will make sure that he is your Savior too,” President-elect Barack Obama announced via weblog.

The Christmas display will include a manger, animated snowmen and a plethora of lighted cacti, and is scheduled to ignite on December 20.

“We bring Christmas to country, be like America.” Gholam Reza Aghazadeh, the head of the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran said.

Washington also plans to reinstate diplomatic ties with Iran, and top U.S. officials will be present at Iran’s first Christmas party, scheduled December 22.

“I am happy to be Secret Santa to Gholam Reza Aghazadeh this year,” Condoleezza Rice said. “I think I will get him a pair of Nike sneakers.”

Monopoly Money Valid Currency

Washington - As part of a government initiative to preserve and sustain America's financial system and economy, President Bush announced this morning that stores across the nation will accept Monopoly money as valid currency.

The financial problems which originated in the credit markets have spread throughout our financial system enough to distress the population to a point where serious action needs to take place. As a final act of honor during his tenure as president, Mr. Bush has decided to give everyone a get out of jail free card and get the most out of the Parker Brothers game.

“This is a fun country, and I want everyone to be in the game,” President Bush said with a wink.

The new plan also stretched a hand to low-income neighborhoods that will be able to use money from the game Opoply as a legitimate form of payment, although each bill will be given half the value of a real Monopoly dollar.

“When we’re not making enough money, you have to get it from somewhere. And this stuff doesn’t grow on trees you, know?” Mr. Bush said amid rounds of applause.

Since the early morning announcement, consumers have been flocking to stores to pile up on Holiday gifts, gas, and additional game pieces.

Child Hospitalized From Classroom Re-Enactment of First Thanksgiving

Topeka, KS –Nine year old Brittany Garaloo was admitted to Holy Name Hospital with a tomahawk wound to the head and arrow wounds along her arms and legs suffered during a re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving supper in Mrs. Wallace’s fifth grade class.

Garaloo was dressed as Pocahontas and awaiting the arrival of her love John Smith, played by Willy Sneeders, when a stampede of pilgrims ambushed her and tied her to the coat tree. When she began to struggle, the other students began firing weapons.

It wasn’t until Mrs. Wallace walked out of the classroom kitchen dressed as a pilgrim and carrying the turkey, that the students stopped reigning blows upon Garaloo’s dainty body.

“I don’t know where they got this silly idea that fighting took place on American soil,” Mrs. Wallace said, nursing the India burn on her arm. “The kids came at me like savages.”

Wallace avows to leading American history lessons with talks of the wholesomeness and love between pilgrims and Indians, and remains unsure of how the children could have perceived the occurrences on the holiday differently.

“The school has a strict policy on teaching the facts about early American history,” Principal Funkerdast said. “Pilgrims were nothing more than good American people who came here to share the land with the Indians.”

Babysitter Surveillance Camera Catches Nothing Unusual

Raleigh, NC - After watching a CNN special on babysitters caught abusing children on camera, the Drakes’ became suspicious of the 15 years old girl who was watching their two children Friday evenings.

The couple spent a whopping $100,000 to set up hidden cameras in the living room, kitchen and bedrooms, to find out just what was going on when they were away from their kids.

Much to their dismay, when the Drakes’ returned home to watch the videos they saw footage of the babysitter Cat playing Monopoly with little Sarah and Frank, preparing succulent and well-balanced meals for dinner, and reading them bedtime stories at their appropriate bedtime.

“She did pick her nose just before giving the kids their dinner, so that is something we will continue to monitor,” Dana Drake said.

While their children remain safe and secure in the arms of babysitter Cat, the Drakes hope and pray that other Americans will catch babysitters committing acts of atrocity before it is too late.

U.S. Girl Scouts in Need of Financial Bailout

National- Girl Scout cookie sales crumbled this morning, sending troops across America into a perpetual state of fear and worry.

“My hard work and investments are worthless.” 13-year old Carolyn Reiss, who was hoping to win a 6-inch talking stuffed dolphin for her annual sales record said.

Since the price of Girl Scout cookies had jumped to a whopping $15.00 per box, the younglings have been relying heavily on the ‘honesty policy borrowing plan’ and engaging in shady business deals with Hasbro, the company who sells Easy-Bake Oven. It wasn’t until the organization’s National Treasurer, 11-year old Sammy Winters opened her Hello Kitty notebook to calculate the year’s profits, that anyone realized the group was in trouble.

“So far we’ve gone to our parents and neighborhood friends for aide, but it is not enough to pay off the $2 billion we owe for flour, sugar, and our stock of prizes,” Winters said.

Troops from around the nation are planning a surge on Washington in the hopes that the U.S. Treasury will buy up toxic cookies.

McCain Vows to Make Upcoming Depression Greater Than the Last

Johnstown, PA-In a recent speech on America’s economy, McCain candidly informed the public of the inevitable depression in our wake and promised that he can and will make this depression greater than the last if he wins the presidential election in November.

He spoke of getting back to American roots of frivolous borrowing and spending to perpetuate the production of money, as well as the construction of bridges to no where, to really slow any rational progress.

Amid questions from local workers, McCain laid out the foundations of a plan calling for massive layoffs to get the unemployment rate to 30% by 2010,and he vowed that “all children will be left behind,” in schools across the nation.

“With my help, we can get as low as third world countries,” McCain said. “I want kids in Africa to read the newspapers and think, thank God I don’t live in America.”

McCain’s VP pick Sarah Palin touted McCain’s first-ever distinct plan for running the country, and spoke of her own designs for America in the 21st century, including the cloning of pigs with lipstick and pregnant teenagers as far as the eye can see.

In response to her and McCain’s mental agility, she had only this to say:
“With God on our side, we can do anything, dog gone it.”

Bush Gives Financial Crisis to God

National - During a recent speech about the mounting financial crisis in America, President George Bush turned to God [the Almighty] for an answer.

“We Americans are good Christians,” he said, “and God will not forget us in this time of need.”

The audience of 666 huddled around the stage, and White House staff waved candles before they all shared a prayer to The Supreme Being.

“If anyone can fix this mess, it’s got to be you big guy,” Bush said pointing towards the sky. “So I’ll wait down here for your address and then I’ll send you the bill, buddy.”

A recent poll showed that 54% of the American population believes Bush’s new God strategy will work; while 35% of people say Bush is speaking to the wrong god. The remaining 11% just roll their eyes.

“This is a joke, right?” devout Atheist Ronald Winters said on his way to another Atheist rally to discuss and prove the non-existence of something he doesn’t even believe in.

There remains talk on how soon a response is expected from the Lord and Savior, and in the meantime some stores will be accepting prayer cards and rosaries instead of paper money.

Homeland Security Finds Weapons of No Destruction in Bangladesh

The United States department of Homeland security released a report confirming weapons of no destruction in Bangladesh last week, quelling national fears of a terrorist attack of catastrophic proportions.

The highest Washington sources believed the weapons to be in a dilapidated building located in the capital city of Dhaka, and set a team to locate and destroy.

“We were fully armed with guns and tasers to keep the peace while we searched through crates of yo-yos and finger puppets,” Homeland Security official Ned Puckers said.

Puckers and his team confirmed the weapons of no destruction, and have sent their findings to President Bush for further action.

“Destruction or no destruction, George Bush will keep America safe,” D.C. resident Beth Winters said.

Threatening Post-it Notes Placed Around Office

New York-Employees of Ran Spam Publishing Company arrived to work this morning to find threatening post-it notes on desks, cubicle walls and computer monitors.

The post-it notes contained menacing phrases like Watch Out, Don’t Forget and, simply, Cheeseburger.

“I am the victim of a hate crime,” editor/vegetarian Lynn Garner said referring to the meat-oriented post-it note affixed to her computer monitor.

Security cameras show no sign of a break-in and top officials with the company have suggested that this is an inside job.

Free T-Shirts Blind Bank Employees from Robbery

Trenton, NJ – A bank robbery that occurred at the National State City Bank at 1 pm yesterday went undetected for an hour because of employees excitement with free t-shirts from the banks radio sponsor, WOOPS.

At approximately 1:45 pm window teller Dana Rothink was returning to her post wearing a free t-shirt decorated with bubbles and stars, when she noticed registers in disarray and the bank’s safe door wide open.

“I guess I got so caught up in things that I wasn’t paying attention,” Rothink said.

Video footage showed the masked robber casually walking into the bank with a gun slung over his shoulder just as employees huddled around the cardboard boxes filled with varying sizes of free t-shirts.

The interoffice interrogation continued with security guard Frank Chiles who had this to say: “Who in their right mind would pass up an opportunity for a free t-shirt?”

Mattel Unveils Barbie Foreclosure Set

Countrywide Financial Corporation and Mattel Inc have joined forces to give little girls [and boys] a playful taste of reality featuring the ubiquitous Barbie doll.

The new Barbie Foreclosure Set comes with all the accessories a poor girl needs for getting thrown out on the streets. The set includes a house with boarded up windows and doors, an empty pocketbook, plastic food stamps, and a countrywide foreclosure agent Barbie can reason with. Best friend puppy comes along too, with a fish skeleton to nibble on when hunger sets in.

“This will give my little girl hand on experience for the future that awaits her,” one mother said.

The set, which is projected to be on store shelves nationwide by the end of September, is part of Mattel Inc.’s recent measures to give an educational purpose for their plastic products.

“We want our kids to have fun while facing reality,” a Mattel representative

In early 2009, Mattel Inc. says it will complete the set with Trailer Trash Barbie, and accessories including a flask and hooker clothes.

Nike Inc. Erects $2.2M Statue Outside Chinese Factory

Dongguan- Nike Inc. unveiled a bronze statue of Nike, the Greek goddess outside of their factory located in the Guangdong province of China last week.

The effigy was created as a symbol of the company’s winning products and successful sales over the years. Manager’s also hoped it would beautify the otherwise drab factory while sending a message of joy to the factory workers.

“This statue is to show our appreciation to the hard workers of Dong-dong...uh, China, who maintain a steady work pace despite low-tech assembly machines and minimal breaks” Nike CEO Mark Parker said.

The overworked and underpaid employees posed beside the statue for a photo in the afternoon and everyone took part in the evening potluck with mouth-watering dishes that included lima beans, tofu, and tofu with salt.

When asked to share her feelings about the magnanimous statue, factory worker Su Ki Jimming said, “I make 3 dollar day.”

Terrorist Group Attacks Green

The internationally-renowned terrorist group, al-Qaeda is making headlines again, but this time for all the right reasons.

Al-Qaeda cells operating out of Afghanistan have begun experimenting with more environmentally-friendly means for wreaking havoc across the globe. The group is focusing its energy on creating solar-powered suicide bombs and hand-grenades made from recycled materials.

“In order to achieve our goals for autonomous Muslim countries, we must destroy our enemies without destroying our planet,” al-Qaeda member Mamdouh Yousef said.

Some say the group is even going above and beyond the call of duty, however. The organization recently enforced a new policy requiring all [living] members to collect aluminum cans, paper, and plastic from the after-math of bombed sites, and deposit these items at the nearest recycling site.

Al-Qaeda's diligence is being lauded by world leaders. President Bush plans on holding an awards ceremony to commemorate the terrorist organization’s green efforts, while looking at ways his own country can promote ecological weapons of mass destruction.

A White House spokesperson concluded: “Let al-Qaeda be an example to every nation with a penchant for war.”

2-Ft Incline Deemed Mountain by Manhattanite

New York – Lifelong New York City resident Peter Sisco, 47, asserts that he climbed a ‘mountain’ in Manhattan’s financial district last Sunday afternoon.

While walking the windy downtown streets in search of a hot dog stand before boarding the Staten Island Ferry, Sisco approached a foot of 2-inch incline in the road at broad Street and Exchange Place.

“I’ve never seen a mountain, but I’ve heard lots about them and this is sort of like what was described,” Sisco said.

The man went on to say that he needed to stop at the halfway point to rest and swore to a noticeable increase in air pressure.

Says Sisco’s mother, “Our boy doesn’t get out much.”

Businessman Electrocuted Attempting to get Intimate with Virtual Assistant

New York- Area businessman, Dwight Hoover, was electrocuted in his downtown Manhattan office after attempting to get intimate with his virtual assistant, Betty123 last week.

The Cisco employee was testing out the company’s new virtual program before its scheduled launch in 2009, when he claims to have been swept by a feeling of euphoria and a need to caress Betty123.

“When I was leaning over, my waist was parallel with the computer screen and I just felt like Betty123 was so close to me. We shared a passionate kiss and then, well, I guess I blacked out,” Hoover said from a hospital where he was receiving treatment for 1st degree burns to his lips, hands and ass.

A fellow employee found Hoover twitching on the ground shortly after the incident and directed Betty123 to call emergency assistance to the scene.

“The virtual assistant was working fine when I used it,” employee Walt Harngy said. “And I can sure see why anyone would find her attractive.”

Experts from Cisco, the leading supplier of networking equipment and network management for the Internet, will continue to look into this matter to ensure no similar problems arise when the Internet program launches.

“We might have to put a disclaimer on the package or something,” one Cisco employee suggested.

There has been no word yet as to whether Betty123 can/will press sexual harassment charges against Hoover, although other system users believe Betty123 has not been the same since that day.

When asked to comment on the matter, Betty123 said, simply, ‘How can I help you today, sir.’

Obama Gains Last Minute Military Experience at the Arcade

National-On his way to a press conference in Reno, Nevada Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama stopped into Crown Royal Arcade to try his hand at Battlefield Vietnam and Men of Valor, games he hopes will give him last minute war experience.

After months of debate surrounding the Democratic candidate’s lack of military experience, the Obama campaign thought it would be the best effort of getting him fully up-to-speed with rival John McCain.

“These games are the real deal, with guns and grenades,” Obama spokesman Ray Knickler said. “Now, it’s as if Obama was right there in Vietnam”

Although Obama earned a silver star for his efforts during a machine gun operation on a Huey helicopter in Men of Valor, he had some difficulty maneuvering around the Cambodia Incursion and Fall of Saigon maps in Battlefield Vietnam.

"I believe that I can have a military resume that's as good as any other soldier's," Obama said.

To which a McCain aide retorted, “He may have done everything, but let’s see him pull off an over the hill birthday bash.”

Programmer Claims to See Computer Soul

New York – Computer programmer Horatio Sanchez, claims to have seen his computer’s soul while writing company codes from his downtown Manhattan office late Monday night.

The LinksX employee maintains that while staring blankly into his computer screen he heard holy voices whispering an angelic tune and saw deeply into the computer’s spirit.

“I was waiting for a program to re-boot, then all I could see was white and it was like the computer screen was sucking me in,” Sanchez said.

The man immediately went unconscious and two of his colleagues rushed to his aid.

“We tried to help him up and he was pointing at the computer screen and we looked, and, oh God,” LinksX employee George Weatherby managed under a stream of tears. “Forgive me Father, I’ve looked at so much porn on the Internet.”

LinksX is an online trading system that liaises with international banks and has locations in the New York, London and China.

After word of Sanchez’s spiritual experience reached the media, LinksX CEO Fred Macky sent out a press release denying any particular corporate religious leaning, stating, “our company has as much clemency on employees’ religious practices as it does on the use of drugs and alcohol.”

Wrist Broken at International Yo-Yo Competition

New York – Two-time champion of the International Yo-Yo Open Dunkin Romebucks broke his wrist while attempting to wow the judges with the Shoot the Moon yo-yo trick.

The move, labeled advanced by yo-yo standards, is a forward pass followed by a continual flick of the wrist in a semicircular motion while looping the yo-yo in and out of one’s legs. It was during the combined leg and arm movement that Romebucks’ wrist gave out.

“Man down, man down,” one of the security guards yelled upon noticing Romebucks flaccid wrist.

The athlete remained in stable condition while paramedics attempted to lead him through the rows of competitors who dared not stop for “anything or anyone”.

“They said he went unconscious because he was hit with so many yo-yos while getting out of the gym,” competitor Ralph Nastereen remembered. “and the rules clearly state that you can not stop for anyone or anything..”

Romebucks is recovering in Cherry Tree Hospital while preparing yo-yo toe tricks in the hopes of re-entering the competition in 2009.

“Yo-yo go,” Romebucks said, staring at the yo-yo hanging by a string from his toe in the hospital bed.

John McCain Caught Drinking Blood

MO - An Associated Press photographer captured McCain behind the scenes at a rally in Cassville yesterday, gulping down a 2-litre bottle of clearly labeled Blood Juice, creating a circus of questions around McCain and his campaign aids.

Other spectators have come forward to express their eerie concerns for the presumptive Republican candidate, claiming he always avoids garlic foods and maintains late-night hours.

“I think this country needs a Black president before it can handle anything like a vampire in the White House,” Missouri Democrat Leonor K. Sullivan said.

McCain aids continue denying the validity of the photos, adding, “If anyone is a vampire, it should not be allowed to adopt a child,” to cheers from senior Republican voters.

Blood Juice is a trademark of Coca-Cola, and was first produced as a fuel-booster for marathon-running vampires. It banned in 1806 in all states except Louisiana. Mississippi, and California, where it can be found in most independently-owned headshops and gas stations along dirt roads.

The juice is a mixture of 78 percent pig, cow and human blood, 20 percent high fructose corn syrup and 2 percent water.

NY Police Force Training all Officers Not to Fear Unarmed Black Men

New York- The New York Police Department will train all officers not to be afraid of unarmed black men, police chief Wiggum announced Monday on the steps of City Hall.

The new measure is due to the excess of deaths in metropolitan areas where white police officers are shooting at innocent black men who are helping old ladies carry groceries home or leading school children safely across a busy street.

“Truth be told, our boys are afraid,” Chief Wiggum said in an interview following the announcement. “Even the black officers.”

A recent study on the matter suggests the majority of officers are ignorant of the communication skills needed to exchange a few words with another of the human race, without the use of a defense mechanism.

Training sessions will include 5 hours of speech therapy per week and another 3 hours per week of TV time, where the officers will watch episodes of the Cosby Show and Family Matters to help them adapt to another ethnic group.

“Hello, my name is Lieutenant Denmarc,” an officer attempted at the latest training session, holding back an impulse to pull out his weapon. The neophyte continued with basic sentences for a few minutes before cutting one of the speech therapists’ throats out of fear of speaking to a woman.

Dominos Pizza To Take White House Off Do Not Deliver List

WASHINGTON - Domino’s Pizza Enterprises announced Friday that it would act to remove the White House from its do not deliver list after a nine years block on the presidential address.

White House officials were offered menus and refrigerator magnets from the pizza delivery company, who expressed appreciation for finally coming to common terms with issues such as abortion and Domino’s 30 minutes or less guarantee.

“This is a great day in American history,” Domino’s Chairman and CEO David Brandon said, placing his arm around a woman in a pizza costume. “Mr. President, we are thrilled to finally be able to extend our delivery services to you and your staff.”

The White House was on Domino’s top ten delivery list until Bill Clinton moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and began spreading pro-choice propaganda. White House officials also came under fire with the pizza company when they refused to pay for their order under claims that the delivery took longer than the company’s famous ‘30 minutes guarantee.’

In response to be welcomed into the Domino’s Pizza family, a presidential official had this to say: “We hope that one day every man, woman and child will be able to order their very own pizza from Domino’s and option for a side of breadsticks or 2-liter bottle of Coke.”

Drug Dealers Fight For Union

Los Angeles - Leaders of rival drug-trafficking gangs have band together to challenge Capitol Hill with demands for healthcare benefits, workman’s compensation and a 401K plan for all cronies working more than 30 hours per week.

Momo Jones and Dwayne Reede, leaders of the world’s most prominent drug rings, convened outside a 7eleven after popping a cap in someone’s ass to discuss the need for more job security in the drug dealing industry after the two claimed to be hearing lip from their subordinates about a lack of life insurance and sporadic work hours.

“These GITS need to learn that you’ve got to work hard if you expect to make it in this world,” Jones said, rolling a fat spliff. “Shit, we make the world go round.”

Recent polls confirm that major sports figures, top-paid celebrities, members of the law enforcement, and politicians constitute the largest percentage of a drug dealer’s clientele. Jones and his homies claim that if their rights aren’t taken care of, there’s no telling what will happen to the world.

“Who you think keeps those nuclear weapons from bustin’ shit up?” Reede demanded of reporters at knifepoint. “We funna keep people from goin crazy with some top-notch chill out shit.”

Bomb Blows Up Wrong Airport

A bomb scheduled to detonate in Chicago, IL, accidentally went off in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, due to an American Airlines attendant misplacing the luggage of world-renowned terrorist Milak Ahaah.

Ahaah left his bomb-filled bag with American Airlines attendant Sarah Reiner four hours prior to getting on flight 487 scheduled to blow up at Chicago’s O’Hare airport at 9:10 PM. Unfortunately for Ahaah, whose group hoped to use the bombing to springboard their plan for world-domination, the terrorist arrived safely in Chicago a few hours later.

After hearing of the accidental explosion that killed 482 people in an airport in New Mexico, Ahaah learned of his luggage displacement.

“This mistake just cost me big time and is going to ensure democracy in the United States for at least another 6 years,” Ahaah said. “My family was to receive a large sum of money for my successful suicide mission, but now I’m a laughing stock.”

American Airlines apologized for the inconvenience, and flight attendant Reiner resigned after admitting to her recurring mishandlement of passenger luggage.

“I’m responsible for killing a lot of people in New Mexico who weren’t supposed to die,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “And I ruined a man who was just trying to do his job.”

In a recent press statement, American Airlines vowed to be more vigilant with passengers’ luggage and to show their regret, presented Ahaah with drink vouchers redeemable at any TGI Fridays.

“I will do anything in my powers to ensure that terrorist groups bomb the right airport from now on,” a spokesman for American Airlines said.

Virgin Image Causing Accidents Across Country

National - The Virgin Mary has been appearing in unseemly places across the nation, leaving destruction and fear in her path.

Grace McLaurel, 58, was driving to the hospital to visit her dying husband, when an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in her rear view mirror. The already distraught woman lost control of the car and drove into a ditch, leaving bruises and scrapes on her forehead and upper body.

“I’m a religious person, but this is going too far,” said McLaurel. “Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to be helping people?”

McLaurel is one of many Americans being haunted by images of our so-called Mother Savior that are causing razor blade mishaps, vegetable chopping incidents, and various other fatal and near-fatal accidents.

“She’s been around long enough to know better than this,” said recent victim Christopher Kent, who is recovering from a testicular mishap after the virgin’s image appeared on bed sheets in the brothel he frequents.

Police and the U.S. Army have deemed Mary ‘the phantom menace’ and are currently working on ways to prevent her from striking again.

“She is recklessly endangering the lives of Americans,” Sergeant Peter Pecker said. “And when we find this virgin lady, we’re going to give it to her real good.

McDonald’s Unveils New BLTG Sandwich to LGBT Community

San Francisco – Last week, McDonald’s unveiled the new BLTG sandwich amid rounds of cheers from the LGBT community who says their needs have been neglected for far too long.

The ubiquitous fast food chain, which provides fast food favorites to people of all races, colors and creeds, says they want to be a front-runner in acceptance of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community and will work towards providing food exclusively tailored to the tastes of this population.

“I want all social outcasts and inferior races to know that they can find solace in one of our delicious burger and fries combinations,” McDonald’s representative Faye Benchmarc said.
“And for 50 cents more they can add a slice of cheese to just melt their troubles away.”

The BLTG sandwich combines an all-beef patty on a sesame bun with bacon, lettuce, tomato, and a special gay sauce. This queer sandwich is expected to be available at 1500 other stores across the nation within the month.

“It’s really the special sauce that I love so much,” said gay man Art Consolo. “It’s so creamy and familiar.”

Local Loser’s Moment of Glory Overshadowed by Hippie with Guitar

New York-Local loser, Gary Sherman reveled in adoration after seizing a terrorist planting bombs around Central Park. The applause and cheers ebbed and flowed and young women crowed around the dork to get their picture taken.

Three minutes into Sherman's triumph, however, a nearby hippie began strumming his guitar, overshadowing the loser’s moments of glory.

“Well, there was this terrorist, then something happened and Gavin the hippie started singing a melancholy song with his guitar,” said local bombshell Kelly Dinkers. “Hippies are so deep and attractive.”

Sherman marched around the park looking for other terrorists to capture, and eventually returned to the comfort of his mother’s home to watch re-runs of his favorite Star Trek episodes.

When asked about his thoughts on the loser’s heroic efforts, Gavin the hippy had only this to say: “Peace, man.”

Bum Creates Art With Dirty Socks

New York, NY – Local homeless man, who claimed his name to be Jesus Christ, was hailed a great artist of the 21st century Monday, after littering the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art with his muck-ridden socks.

Complaints of a putrefying smell emanating from the surrounding area led police to the steps of the MET, where they found Mr. Christ asleep behind a pillar. The homeless man was asked to leave the premises, and in a fit of rage, threw his collection of socks around the entrance steps.

“It was art in the making,” said museum curator and art critic, Eli Desdle. “Multi-colored, hole-ridden socks glazed the marble steps like refugees clinging to their rafts on the high seas.”

The artistic installment was so deep that it had onlookers in tears.

“The pungent stench stung my eyes, but I couldn’t look away,” local museumgoer Stuart Young remarked.

Visitors in line to enter the museum used the opportunity to snap photos of the work, and many reached out to touch the artistic genius while police forcefully ejected him from the grounds.

Museum officials are currently scouring the streets in search of the man, prepared to give him an art contract and full access to museum space.

Says Sotheby’s art collector, Susan Wright: “We will not let this great mind go to waste.”

Chinese Government Bans Patty Cake From Schoolyards

Beijing- The Chinese government announced a new ban on the popular child’s game patty cake last week after complaints of the game’s violent and threatening nature.

After seeing groups of children on the school playground, forcefully slapping hands with one another and shouting about babies and ovens, minister of education Zhou Ji pulled his two grandkids aged seven and nine out of the public school system, and promptly sought out authorities to express his concern.

“This is violent, outrageous Western game that must be stopped,” Ji told reporters “If Westerners not careful, we going to patty cake them.”

Some parents and teachers contested the ban and were promptly removed from public view, while the remainder of the population complied without question.

The ban went into effect immediately with a penalty of up to 10 years in prison for offenders.

“You baking cake fast, you going to hurt somebody,” said an unamused Hu Jintao, General Secretary of the CPC. “Good cake come from hard, hard labor and sacrifice.”

Newest American Communities Behind Bars

National - Due to vast home foreclosures throughout the United States, and imminent recession, more Americans are finding their new, government-backed homes behind prison bars.

Minimum and Maximum-security prisons across America offer 3 meals a day and opportunities to work for minimum wage, with only the small risk of getting raped or physically harmed by fellow inmates.

Sandra Rush, mother of 3, was recently convicted of first-degree murder. She says going to jail was a hard decision to make, but the best thing she could have done, according to her estate lawyer.

“I always wanted to get away with killing my husband, but then I realized the benefits of getting caught,” she said in a recent interview.

Rush is content with her new lifestyle and plans on using her time to get closer to her 3 sons, who were recently picked up for armed robbery and reside on the other side of the prison yard.

Lesson on Pacifism Ends in Hospitalization

New York-NYU law student Peter Dunker was hospitalized yesterday, with broken ribs and bruises to the right side of his face, after provoking 11-year old Kile Terets during a grade school assembly on pacifism.

The degree-seeking volunteer was at the school to promote the benefits of nonviolent revenge via multi-million dollar lawsuits, and was in the middle of giving an example of verbal harassment, when his provocations led to what witnesses described as a late night bar brawl.

“When Peter called Kile a nut-sucking, low-life bitch, the kid went berserk!” said onlooker and school janitor Lauren Fine, whose minimum wage earnings could have been boosted by some legal tips. “These kids still have to learn about the value of a dollar.”

The efforts of such an assembly comes on the heels of growing tension among grade school students in metropolitan neighborhoods, where parents believe they could cash in on their children’s naiveté.

“I’ll see that kid in court,” Dunker proclaimed from his hospital bed.

The assembly was rescheduled for an upcoming week, and will feature a theater student from NYU who will show the kids how to let their aggression out through song and dance.

Couple Break Into Fertility Clinic to Lecture Unborn Child

Marlton, NJ- Gary Mohr and his wife Annabelle broke into South Jersey Fertility Clinic Wednesday night to see their unborn child, after both claimed to have received an instinctual message from the zygote.

When police arrived in response to the clinic’s security alarm, Mr. Mohr was lecturing the test tube of cells, while his wife stood by nodding her head in agreement.

“This kid is going to be raised right, and will learn the dangers of crying wolf,” Mr. Mohr said while being led away by police. He was brought to the local police station and charged with breaking and entering, despite his efforts to prove that he was “visiting his child’s current dwelling.”

Ms. Mohr, however, defied police commands to leave the building, and threatened to hold petri dishes hostage unless her demand to sing the diploid cell to sleep was granted.

“Twinkle, twink...” the mother sang, slipping into unconsciousness from the sedative police shot her with.

A spokesperson for the clinic stated that this type of behavior from expecting parents was not unusual, and at least 30% of clinic patients act out in one way or another.

Says lab technician, Mike Dry: “We’ll give anyone a baby if the price is right.”

Intergalactic War Lord on the Prowl

Space-Scientologists fear for their lives as intergalactic warlord Suri Cruise wreaks havoc on the world, controlling the minds of the population.

At the ripe age of 2, this Operating Thetan has claimed “deviant behavior” on entertainment’s finest figures, including her own parents, who keep dishing out money to the luxury-goods- loving child in the hopes that they will one day be “clear.”

This extra terrestrial God has warped reality to the extent that rumors of a break-up between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise seems plausible to the media industry.

“I feel like I have to believe it, but I knew that it just can’t be so,” said Entertainment Weekly journalist, Karen Fleet. “I mean, they are like Adam and Eve-who consequently gave birth to a devil-worshipping child.”

There have also been accounts of Suri stunning people with her cuteness in order to get 2 pieces of candy out of the take one basket, or entrancing performers to continue singing songs or dancing in Mickey Mouse costumes and the like, until the alien child has been adequately entertained.

"I don’t know what to believe anymore," shrieked John Travolta, whose years of Scientology practice helped him get rid of his sinful Saturday Night Fever shake.

In defense of these accusations, Suri had this to say: “Suppressive Person.”

CAPPS II Asks Women About Their Cycles

Chicago-CAPPS II government surveillance via Passenger Profiling system was given another trial run yesterday at O’Hare Airport, where it demanded information about female passengers’ menstrual cycles.

As frequent flyer Kim Kerran was on her way to gate 5 to catch a flight to San Francisco, she was flagged down for further screening of her carry-on baggage after CAPPS II alerted airport officials that she posed a threat to the public. When officials scrutinized her about the tampons in her carry-on, Kerran "lost it."

“I’ll show the government a color-coded indicator,” Kerran steamed. “My cycle is my constitutionally protected business.”

The CAPPS II system has been in the red since its initial implementation by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) in the late 1990’s when travelers worried that it would infringe on their personal liberties by asking questions about birth date, address and phone number.

CAPPS II advocated say they’ll improve the system once again, but don’t understand why people are getting their panties in such a bunch. “It’s no different than a trip to the gyno.”

Area Man Realizes Progress Bar on Download Software Represents Nothing

Little Rock, AR-While patiently waiting for his new HP Inkjet printer to install, David Reeds, 44, realized that the progress bar displayed on his computer screen represented “nothing” and that he was in fact going to miss the first 20 minutes of Star Trek IV.

“The progress bar showed the download was 99% done, but then I waited for 20 minutes,” Reeds said, glaring at his computer monitor. “That’s not progress at all.”

Reeds went on to voice his complaints in various online chat rooms and even videotaped the inaccurate progress bar to post on youtube. Now, downloaders across the nation are voicing their suspicions, while companies strangely remain unavailable for comment.

Best Buy employee Frank Goober: “I’m in charge of dusting the computer screens before closing.”

3 Not-So-Pristine Women Disqualified from Miss White America Pageant

Baton Rouge-At this past year’s Miss White America pageant in the heart of Louisiana, 3 women were disqualified after judges discovered they were not 100% white.

Wendy Spinkles, 19 of Miami, Florida, was onstage modeling swimwear when one of the judges noticed a difference in skin tone between her upper and lower body.

Spinkles was interrogated backstage where judges concluded she was 30% Indian and kindly asked her to leave the competition site.

“That kind of trickery goes against all pageant rules and is morally wrong,” Judge Judy said shaking her head in shame.

Two other contestants, Michelle Bard and Lauren Simms, were picked up before the formal wear competition, when rumors of their Spanish accents reached the judges.

Currently, officials are re-evaluating application procedures and are preparing to heighten security for future competitions.

"This pageant gives hope of a future for white women, and I don't want to see anyone tear those dreams down," proclaimed pageant president Jane Smith.

Breaking News: U.S. Sen. Dodd Really Close to Making a Decision at the Drive-thru

Washington- The chairman of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee has been sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru since noon today, vacillating between a Big Mac and Double Cheeseburger, while at the same time considering what his wife might like to drink.

"I’m very close to making a decision,” Democratic Sen. Christopher Dodd of Connecticut stated at 12:47 today. “I’m very, very close."

Sen. Dodd has remained extremely concentrated on this decision amid the cacophony of car horns and expletives from other McDonald’s customers who wish to behoove themselves of the drive-thru.

At 1:10 he added, "There is really maybe one or two issues. Maybe only one that's outstanding here that I need to resolve, before coming to a conclusion.”

Last week, the senator was spotted in the toiletries section of CVS, considering tartar-control versus enhanced whitening toothpaste.

Evangelist Helps Kids Hear Message of Lord with LSD

Nelsonville, MO- Evangelist Anita Drakle of The Church of Jesus Christ began giving LSD to adolescent followers to help kids to hear the message of the lord, following incessant complaints of not hearing anything, sources said Monday.

“I heard Jesusu once, and I even think I saw him the last time I took spiritual mushrooms,” 9-years-old Jake Wermner said while swatting at imaginary bugs in the air. “But he went into a rabbit-hole before I could ask for salvation.”

The church and this practice have come under fire before, when, in 1992, cafeteria food was laced with peyote and the delusional children accused one another of witchcraft, hosting impromptu burnings and crucifixions. No child was harmed “any more than Jesus intended” and the government remained out of the affair, following the Constitution’s First Amendment, which allows for Evangelists to freely exercise their religion.

And after this last psychedelic incident involving 4 church members, an Easy-Bake Oven and an elephant, local law offiicials are looking into ways to stop the mastermind behind this trippy theology.

“Spreading the good news is just too much work for one person, so I tap into Jesus’ natural resources to help me,” Drakle commented. “And when those kids amble the Technicolor country road late at night, they are doing it in the name of the Lord and are under the influence of his all-natural, spiritual powers.”

The interview ended abruptly there, when Drakle began chasing after an imaginary gopher that purportedly stole her contact lens cleaner.

Scientist Dead in Camouflage Gone Wrong

Australia-Dr. Richard P. Pickleworth, head biologist with the Institute of Wasted Knowledge, died Wednesday, after being bit by several funnel-web spiders during his first hour infiltrating the arachnid community.

For this particular mission, Pickleworth blackened his body with tar and attached 8 foamy legs to his sides in the hopes of being accepted by his specimens. Unfortunately for him, the predatory invertebrate animals sensed an interloper, and, without warning, attacked, hindering progress on the research.

“They...discovered my presence...” Pickleworth gasped through the transistor radio as the poison spread throughout his body.

His teams of researchers, stationed just 5 miles north of the John Forrest National Park, were baffled by his quick discovery.

“You couldn’t pick him out of a line up of funnel-web spiders, no way.” IWK intern Arthur Dentine argued. “Pickleworth was the best Spiderman we had.”

IWK began this particular mission in January, hoping to learn more about the bathroom etiquette of various outback species. Funded by the US government and various American Universities, research will continue as scientists prepare to once again disguise themselves in order to mingle with the dingoes.

“Pickleworth would have wanted us to go on without him.” Dentine concluded.

Woman Finds Out of Wedding on Facebook

New York-Victoria Richards, 29, found out about her engagement to Charles Ante through the popular social network site, facebook while on a business trip t Phoenix last week.

While away from home, Richards received several congratulatory phone messages and emails from friends and family members that left her in a state of utter confusion. When she logged onto her Facebook page later that day, she discovered that her boyfriend of 3 years had changed his status to engaged.

“Yes, I was surprised,” Richards said, simply. “But city life is so busy, one tends to forget about these things.”

The couple met 3 years prior on a mutual facebook friend’s thread and have since used the website to communicate basic information to one another.

No date has been set for the big day, but Richards vows to continue checking her facebook page for updates.

John Edwards for President Meetings Still Going Strong

Despite rescinding his presidential candidacy months ago, one John Edwards for President group in Des Moines, Iowa remains strong, meeting weekly in Frank’s local bar and grill.

Group organizer Sean Garst says support for Edwards is stronger than ever, with over 60 weekly attendees crowding the bar Thursday nights to get a taste of the action, or free unlimited buffalo wings for all groups over 20.

“We really think he can make a comeback just like a Soap Opera character that gets killed off the show,” Garst said, folding up a wad of $20 bills and tucking them neatly in his back pocket.

With flyers and posters advocating the democrat and his vision for America, Garst believes his group is just the support Edwards needs.

“At the last meeting we discussed the similarities between Radiohead and Taking Back Sunday, two alternative rock groups with equal sound quality,” said support group frequenter Ramey Charles.

On the topic of John Edwards, Ramey said, “Who’s he?”

MIT Study Proves Wonder Woman Never Had Invisible Plane

After months of episode analysis and matter testing, a research study out of MIT evidenced that Wonder Woman never had an invisible plane, as claimed in the 1970’s American television series, Wonder Woman.

The government-funded study headed by MIT professor Caitlin Silkes, scrutinized every Wonder Woman episode to find answers to the invisible plane. In the end, researchers were baffled to learn that no such plane ever existed and a low-budget production company had fooled audience members.

“I was in shock,” commented Silkes. “If we can’t trust TV shows and actors than who?”

The news has left lifetime viewers across the country devastated and suspicious of other TV favorites.

“Television was a teacher, a friend and a lover to me,” Researcher Jeff Dungalill commented. “Now, I feel like there isn’t even hope for the future.”

God Stepping Down From Position as Supreme Being

Heaven-In a deep, earth-shattering voice yesterday, God announced his resignation from position as Supreme Being, for the entire world to hear.

In a recent statement via prayer waves, God confessed that the world had become as boring as a reality TV show and agreed that popular culture was doing a better job of effectively controlling the minds of the population than belief of Him ever did.

“Sometimes my creations turn out to be mistakes,” He stated, simply.

Most evangelists embraced the news as a symbol of modern times, while church administrators and government officials took another, more realistic position.

“Well, if this God guy thinks he can just waltz down to earth with no money and no job, he’s got another thing coming,” Warren Dak of the IRS said. “I don’t think we can give him any social security benefits due to his lack of presence on any official record.”

To date, God has given no hint to His future endeavors, while hopefuls, including ice cream truck driver Steve Adams and hair stylist Sylvie Stern, line up to fill His post.

Natural Disasters: How Natural Are They

At last weekend’s Conspiracy Theorist Conference in Washington, D.C., CT Chairman Jack Pimpkie enlightened attendees to the latest in government conspiracies.

Natural Disasters: How Natural Are They? detailed how every natural disaster was artificially produced by governments, who in the end gain profits from human suffering and despair.

“You get third degree burns from lava and you go to the pharmacist for a balm—now that’s suspicious,” Pimpkie said answering claims about the pharmaceutical industry and their sway on volcanoes.

And on Saturday evening, TV 12 meteorologist Dan Frandle joined Pimpkie to give experiments on how natural disasters are synthetically created, and to discredit Mother Nature’s wrath.

“Isn’t it funny that American presidential elections occur at the tail-end of Hurricane Season?” Frandle said, twirling a spoon in a glass of water to create a tsunami that he later poured over a Polly Pocket™ community.

Attendees walked out of the conference Sunday afternoon, suspiciously clutching their umbrellas and searching the skies for an answer to their newly formed fears. All were speechless, thus unavailable to comment.

Pre-Teen Repeatedly Beat White House Officials at Game of Battleship

At this past year’s “Take Your Daughter To Work Day,” 12 year old Grace LaMontagne proved that her basic strategy skills are more efficient than most US officials when she repeatedly beat cabinet members at the Milton Bradley game Battleship.

Grace LaMontagne arrived at the White House with her mother, Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings first thing on the morning of April 24 to observe and help tackle the day-to-day tasks at the White House.

Other White House employees had their children on the premises for the day and quickly put them to work regulating peace talks with the Middle East and overseeing National Security.

“They all seemed as competent as our interns and willing to work. But not Miss LaMontagne.” Department of Defence Secretary Robert M. Gates said. At mid-morning he found the young girl rummaging through White House drawers and complaining of boredom. To placate the child, Gates asked what she wanted to do.

That was when little Madeline pulled out travel Battleship, a 2-player game involving military strategy and guessing skills.

To make the game “more fair” Gates suggested they create teams and asked 4 of his colleagues to enter into a Battleship alliance.

With the swiftness of a lion, Madeline sank their destroyer in under 2 minutes. Then using, basic logic skills and hand-eye coordination, the young girl was able to blow up her opponent’s PT Boat and Submarine.

Game pieces were thrown in frustration and Vice President Cheney mistakingly got an Aircraft Carrier lodged up his nose. Fights broke out among players and Rice pleaded with Madeline for a re-match.

Due to cheating accusations during the preceding games, Madeline eventually had to “put the game away.”

The horrendous losses at a game, which recent poll members believe to be fairly easy for anyone above 12 years of age, has brought into question the adroitness of country leaders.

“The White House does not play games and we can not admit anyone onto the premises who believes otherwise,” President Bush said during a press conference following the pitiful defeats.

“But I do like the idea of putting kids to work.”

Song That Never Ends Is Finally Over

Wyoming-88 year old Frank Mendelsberg, who holds the Guinness World Record for the longest rendition of “The Song That Never Ends” by writer/composer Norman Martin, died this morning.

The death occurred at 4:52 AM, when Mendelsberg choked on a cracker during his 26,298th hour of singing the song.

“He sang alternating gasps of air with crackers when he got hungry,” one fan during his 2007 concert in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania recounted. “And he would nap during the four part beats after the words ends and friends.”

The Guinness World Records board had placed Mendelsberg in their book in 2006, and presented the recorder-holder with a congratulatory plaque and cash prize at that year’s ceremony, drawing questions as to why the man was still singing the song 3 years later.

“Most people just take their cash prize and get on with their life.” a spokesperson for Guinness commented. “We never explicitly told him to stop, but it was assumed that he would.”

Mendelsberg began singing the song while entertaining his 4 year old niece on the evening of January 4, 2006. And, due to the infinetly recursive verse and head trauma caused during the Vietnam War, Mendelsberg was unable to locate a break or end to the song, thus singing it continuously.

Area Woman Refuses to Get Rid of Disgusting Fucking Purse

New York-Lauren Delanoe, 29, refuses to get rid of the disgusting fucking purse that she has been using to transport her schoolbooks, laptop and important documents in for the past 10 years—despite the fact that it’s destroying her relationship with boyfriend, Frank Wemner.

The once baby blue sac is soaked with oil and coffee stains, and the Velcro has worn off the outer pocket, causing the bag to whimsically flap open in the wind.

“She looks like a homeless person with that bag,” says Wemner, who has been buying Delanoe new name-brand bags since their 8-year relationship started. “Lauren says that fucking bag has still got some life in it, so she won’t change.”

Wemner further stated that most people inch away from his girlfriend at parties and on public transportation, attesting to a strange, dead fish-like odor emitting from the polyester. He says that social situations are definelty awkward and she can’t even find a job.

On a recent interview, Leo Burnett was ready to hire her as the new Advertising Representative. But, when Manager Christian Kent noticed Delanoe’s bag, he reconsidered his options.

“When she placed the company profile packet into that disgusting blue bag, I was a bit leery of how she might represent the company.”

Despite continual protestations, Delanoe remains in a state of contentment. “I like my bag,” she commented.

Bush Plans on Making Education More Accessible to Americans

Washington — At the latest meeting of the U.S. Department of Education, President Bush took matters into his own hands, assuring Americans of the bright future that lies ahead: beginning next fall, he said, archaic classes including math and English will be replaced by Barista Labs and Celebrity History, courses that will prove to be more necessary in our progressive society.

“Nothing is more boring, than writing out math long hand when a calculator or an accountant works just as good,” Mr. Bush said, squeezing in a place setting for himself at the head of a table during the Department of Education’s quarterly dinner party Wednesday night. He added that every American student’s mind should be “filled with the future,” instead of equations and grammar rules that computers can fix for us.

Department of Education Secretary Spellings explained later that the aim of the plan was to “look for more effective ways to improve America’s school system,” and admitted she was not exactly sure what the president was talking about or what he was doing at the banquet.

Since Bush’s No Child Left Behind plan left the majority of America’s youth in the dust, the president has been trying to pick up the pieces and give Americans hope for the future, ignoring the reasoning of his cabinet members.

During the banquet Spellings also recalled how Bush mentioned turning science labs into latte labs, an idea that only raised eyebrows and led to confusion.

Spellings concluded, “My niece has been working part time at Starbucks while attending MIT. But now, what’s the point of an engineering degree?”

Al-Qaida Launches Its Own Line of Apparel

The highly publicized terrorist group Al-Qaida unveiled its new line of contemporary clothing and accessories to the world Friday, including pants with rip-n-go hand grenade pockets and biohazard-suits with inner-lining periodic tables and fireproof gloves.

Retired terrorist and clothing designer Hurayth Quu says he came up with the Al clothing line after overhearing ill-dressed terrorists reminiscing attacks gone wrong.

“I remember thinking that the cause of their failure had something to do with their outside appearance.” Quu said from his clothing factory in Afghanistan. “I wanted to create a fashionable line of clothing to make sure terrorists are fully equipped and looking good on the job.”

By tapping into a group that holds a questionable reputation, Al has quickly become the epitome of chic for terrorists who hope to change the look of their legacy. And since the line’s first appearance, Terrorists In Training have been crowding the camp’s student cafeteria next to Quu’s factory, hoping they can be the next fashion icon before being the next explosive device.

“This new line of clothing doesn’t make us look so bad,” TIT Ismail said just seconds before he blew up.

Mr. Quu first attracted notice when he viscously beheaded 3 government officials in London, wearing a gold-plated vest and bell-bottoms, with fireproof platform shoes. His glamorous appearance served as a wink at the cult personality forming around the man voted best-dressed terrorist 3 years in a row.

“I didn’t get into terrorism to just be like everyone else.” Quu said. “Anyone can bomb a building, but I’m here to make a difference.”

With his explosive clothing line, Quu is making a difference in the way terrorists look, and the economy in the Middle East is blowing up with profits.

Investors hope the clothing line will spread like anthrax and envision future store openings in Japan and Europe.

Man Dies After Refusing to Engage in Somewhat Homosexual Act

Paris-Last Monday, 34 year old Philippe Mandeau died when he fell off the back of a motorcycle after refusing to grab hold of the driver’s waist, claiming the act was “too homosexual.”

Just as the motorcycle circled the arc de triomphe at 30kmph, driver Guillaume Borisot suggested Mandeau grab hold of his waist to ensure safety around the sharp turn. When the passenger refused, opting to cling to the metal bar on the back of the seat, Borisot carried on, weaving in and out of traffic.

As Borisot picked up speed, Mandeau slid off the bike and into oncoming traffic.

“We were best friends since childhood, and he always had this fear that people would think of him as gay.”

Borisot, who attests to his own heterosexuality, says none of this would have happened if homosexual stereotypes were not so prevalent in society.

“It’s a shame that the world stereotypes a man’s behavior like that.” Borisot said, glancing at a stack of Flava Men magazines on his coffee table. “If they didn’t, my friend wouldn’t be dead.”

In honor of Philippe Mandeau, Borisot has started a fund for the Mental Rehabilitation of Clearly Un-gay Men. The fund will collect money for heterosexual men who need to purchase “manly” items such as hammers, footballs, and Die Hard DVD’s to justify their sexuality devoid of mental calamity.

Borisot added: “The MRCUM is a place not only to justify who you are, but an understanding environment where everyone can share feelings and sem—see movies.”

New Airline Regulations to include Handcuffing Passengers

Major airlines including Continental, American and Southwest, will soon be handcuffing passengers to avoid any in-flight disruptions or potential harm to crew members, a safety measure that experts say will make for safer, more enjoyable plane travel.

Steel-n-Girder Metal Corporation has already started manufacturing the cotton-padded handcuffs, which will be conveniently located in every back seat pocket for passengers to apply, and flight attendants to securely lock just before take-off.

“We decorate these same handcuffs with pink feathers and sell them to sex toy shops,” said
Steel-n-Girder CEO Thomas Chodak. “And we’ve received a pretty good response as to their effectiveness.”

To further acclimatize this new safety measure, adjustments will also be made to the food and lavatories in airplanes. Snack favorite Little Debbie has already started producing a line of sip-up meals including steak and potatoes and fish and chips, while medical companies are working on disposable catheters.

“We have to be willing to do whatever it takes to keep our skis safe,” flight attendant Patricia Gottlieb commented.

Although critics feel human liberties are being threatened at a price they don’t want to pay anyway, the consensus is that if it makes us safer—and ‘thwarts terrorists,’ as President Bush added in a recent, speech on the matter—then we should do it.

George Bush Plans Career Writing Pop-Up Books

Washington — President Bush said Thursday that he will begin a career writing pop-up books as soon as his presidential term is up later this year.

The statement, made during a White House news conference about a new presidential library in Dallas, was the first time Mr. Bush had talked in any detail about his personal goals for the future.

“I want to bring understanding of nuclear weapons and terrorists to the future of America with three-dimensional scenes in easy-to-read books,” he said.

White House officials say Mr. Bush’s career has been developing during his presidency, with the paper airplanes he so often creates during conferences, and folded pieces of paper found around his office.

“When I handed Bush the 2008 budget, he made a beautiful origami swan out of it.” says Vice President Dick Cheney. “And these past 8 years have given him time to improve his papier-mâché skills.”

The president plans to dedicate a special wing for his books in the new library, which will be at Southern Methodist University, the alma mater of First Lady and librarian, Laura Bush.

iPhone Escapes Burning Building Unharmed

Los Angeles-An iPhone was thrown from the fourth floor of a burning building at 118 W. Sever St. yesterday, and fell safely into the arms of firefighter B.J. Edfung below.

Trapped by smoke, and unable to hear the deafening fire alarm in time to make it down the staircase, tenant Josh Sparks says he took his headphones off to think about how he was going to save himself and the electronic device.

“I knew my iPhone was going to get severely damaged if I kept it on my persons, so I said a prayer and defenestrated it.” Sparks said from his hospital bed.

The crowd gathered below saw the tiny silver device plummeting to the ground and reached up screaming, Save it! Save it!

“It was hard to stay focused on what was important because there was a lot of smoke and other people jumping out of windows,” eyewitness Ted Banks said.

After throwing the iPhone down to safety, Sparks jumped out of the same window, missing the preoccupied crowd by mere inches and landing facedown on the cement.

Sparks and his iPhone are resting in a rehabilitation center for the severely injured, where friends and family members come to gaze at the miraculously recovered iPhone.

“That thing cost me over $400.00,” Sparks mother said. “He would have wished he was dead if anything happened to it.”

At the moment, Sparks remains confident he will get out of the hospital, fully recovered and ready to find a new home, since his last smoldered to unrecognizable ash.

“We were all just so happy that the iPhone was okay, we didn’t have time to think about anything else.” firefighter Edfung concluded.