Thursday, January 31, 2008

Impromptu Musical Staged in Strait of Hormuz

Since the the January 9th confrontation between 3 American warships and five Iranian speed boats in the Strait of Hormuz, there have been several news conferences and videotapes inferring conflict. Now, in efforts to smooth the waters, American sailors are stepping forward to give details of the impromptu musical they staged on the high seas.

A recent videotape shows Vice Adm. Kevin Cosgriff, commander of the U.S. 5th Fleet, tap dancing across the ship deck and singing to the Iranians in a sweet tenor voice.

“Once I saw the speed boats, I knew what needed to be done.” said Adm. Cosgriff who envisioned the same dance numbers as SN David Frobose. “Thank God I brought my tap shoes.”

Being swept with a sudden urge to sing and dance, Adm Cosgriff adorned crew members with plastic jewelry from his suitcase and attempted radio contact with the Iranians to inform them of plot synopsis and the title of the musical, International Waters.

A warning horn sounded indicating all players should take their places and the musical unfolded with a duet by SN Warren Walts and PO Betty Dyke.

“You see musicals about conflicts everywhere and I thought, let’s make one that is just about happy people on ships floating in the sea.” Cosgriff said.

Although short-lived at only 20 minutes in length, the impromptu musical was considered a hit despite waning enthusiasm from the Iranians.

“They just couldn’t get into the stage makeup and the high heel shoes,” commented PO3 Mike Daniels who pirouetted across the stage as the musical reached its climax.

The lack of a script found on the ship and hazy memory of the performing crew has Broadway playwrights jumping at the opportunity to write this magnanimous work as a 2-hour long, protagonist-based musical.

Famous children’s singer Johnny Cash has been optioned to write the soundtrack with songs including the Territory Shuffle, Hello You and Friendly Waters.

Adm. Cosgriff is excited about the possibilities for this musical and wishes there were more non-combative true stories to tell the world through song and dance.

Cosgriff concluded: “People don’t want to be entertained by wars and death. This peaceful confrontation was truly a magical moment and will go down in history.”

Monday, January 28, 2008

Vampires March Against Genetically Modified Blood


Washington, DC-Just as dusk gathered in the sky Thursday night, coffins popped open and hundreds of vampires marched in cities across the nation to protest the use of genetically modified blood coursing through victims’ veins.

According to Nosferatu in Washington, Baltimore, Boston, and Albequerquee, genetically modified blood is the primary cause of disease, recurrently haunting the vampire population. Demonstrators called on the United States Department of Health and Human Services to limit the amount of chemicals tainting vampires’ only source of food. The USDHHS, in response, emphasized its focus on human services.

The leader of Nutrition for Nosferatu, Ann Dedscinn, spoke at a mass rally in front of a blood analysis laboratory in Washington, D.C. where vampires were recently traumatised in perpetuity after drinking chemically altered blood.

“It’s bad enough our food supply is limited.” Dedscinn said flossing her fangs. “Now there’s potential for sucking blood that isn’t cleansing to the palette. It’s pointless killing.”

Dedscinn also noted the difference in taste between chemically tainted versus pure blood and encouraged rally attendees both dead and alive to sample from a taste-test booth.

Speakers at the Washington rally included Damien—who has been violently killing babies and women to suck their blood for the past 300 years—and vampire sympathiser Pamela Anderson.

Dedscinn told the bloodthirsty crowd that as recently as 10 years ago, the average vampire could live off fresh blood for hundreds of years. But now chemically modified blood is rapidly decreasing vampire life span. Lower amounts of nutrition in blood are weakening vampires’ teeth and bones, making it harder for them to feed or scurry back into their coffins by daybreak.

Dedscinn also recounted incidents of female vampires developing ovarian and mental disorders as a consequence of chemicals in blood.

“We have no funding for vampires who one day might need an organ transplant or psychiatric care as a result of bad blood.” Dedscinn said.

Backed by signs with such slogans as "The Blood of Life" and "DNA ReVamp" the pale protestors, many of whom killed occassional bystanders during the mass rally, complained that popular stereotypes about vampires obscure the problem.

"Humans flee from us and accuse us of disturbing the peace.” said Susie Sucker, a Fairbanks, Alaska vampire who lives off wild forest animals. “We have to do enough in the dark already, how are we supposed to see who’s had a blood transfusion or not?”

The protest was largely peaceful, disrupted only by an incident in which a vampire mistakingly took part in an anti-abortion rally, fitting in perfectly with the largely pale and unattractive crowd until he tried to eat one of their young. Anti-abortion activists turned their torches on him, but were confused when their efforts did no damage to his already-dead body.

Scientists—present at the vampire rally—refute the vampires’ claims regarding genetically-modified blood.

"If you get rid of genetically modified blood, you get rid of genetic modification, which can help provide a surfeit of food and body parts for the growing population." said Dr. Larry Gunn, a biochemist with the FDA. "These vampires are just as picky as those damn vegans.”

Before Dedscinn could prepare a counter-argument she bit into one reporter’s neck, thus ending the interview.