Monday, June 30, 2008

Local Loser’s Moment of Glory Overshadowed by Hippie with Guitar


New York-Local loser, Gary Sherman reveled in adoration after seizing a terrorist planting bombs around Central Park. The applause and cheers ebbed and flowed and young women crowed around the dork to get their picture taken.

Three minutes into Sherman's triumph, however, a nearby hippie began strumming his guitar, overshadowing the loser’s moments of glory.

“Well, there was this terrorist, then something happened and Gavin the hippie started singing a melancholy song with his guitar,” said local bombshell Kelly Dinkers. “Hippies are so deep and attractive.”

Sherman marched around the park looking for other terrorists to capture, and eventually returned to the comfort of his mother’s home to watch re-runs of his favorite Star Trek episodes.

When asked about his thoughts on the loser’s heroic efforts, Gavin the hippy had only this to say: “Peace, man.”

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Bum Creates Art With Dirty Socks


New York, NY – Local homeless man, who claimed his name to be Jesus Christ, was hailed a great artist of the 21st century Monday, after littering the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art with his muck-ridden socks.

Complaints of a putrefying smell emanating from the surrounding area led police to the steps of the MET, where they found Mr. Christ asleep behind a pillar. The homeless man was asked to leave the premises, and in a fit of rage, threw his collection of socks around the entrance steps.

“It was art in the making,” said museum curator and art critic, Eli Desdle. “Multi-colored, hole-ridden socks glazed the marble steps like refugees clinging to their rafts on the high seas.”

The artistic installment was so deep that it had onlookers in tears.

“The pungent stench stung my eyes, but I couldn’t look away,” local museumgoer Stuart Young remarked.

Visitors in line to enter the museum used the opportunity to snap photos of the work, and many reached out to touch the artistic genius while police forcefully ejected him from the grounds.

Museum officials are currently scouring the streets in search of the man, prepared to give him an art contract and full access to museum space.

Says Sotheby’s art collector, Susan Wright: “We will not let this great mind go to waste.”

Monday, June 23, 2008

Chinese Government Bans Patty Cake From Schoolyards

Beijing- The Chinese government announced a new ban on the popular child’s game patty cake last week after complaints of the game’s violent and threatening nature.

After seeing groups of children on the school playground, forcefully slapping hands with one another and shouting about babies and ovens, minister of education Zhou Ji pulled his two grandkids aged seven and nine out of the public school system, and promptly sought out authorities to express his concern.

“This is violent, outrageous Western game that must be stopped,” Ji told reporters “If Westerners not careful, we going to patty cake them.”

Some parents and teachers contested the ban and were promptly removed from public view, while the remainder of the population complied without question.

The ban went into effect immediately with a penalty of up to 10 years in prison for offenders.

“You baking cake fast, you going to hurt somebody,” said an unamused Hu Jintao, General Secretary of the CPC. “Good cake come from hard, hard labor and sacrifice.”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Newest American Communities Behind Bars


National - Due to vast home foreclosures throughout the United States, and imminent recession, more Americans are finding their new, government-backed homes behind prison bars.

Minimum and Maximum-security prisons across America offer 3 meals a day and opportunities to work for minimum wage, with only the small risk of getting raped or physically harmed by fellow inmates.

Sandra Rush, mother of 3, was recently convicted of first-degree murder. She says going to jail was a hard decision to make, but the best thing she could have done, according to her estate lawyer.

“I always wanted to get away with killing my husband, but then I realized the benefits of getting caught,” she said in a recent interview.

Rush is content with her new lifestyle and plans on using her time to get closer to her 3 sons, who were recently picked up for armed robbery and reside on the other side of the prison yard.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Lesson on Pacifism Ends in Hospitalization


New York-NYU law student Peter Dunker was hospitalized yesterday, with broken ribs and bruises to the right side of his face, after provoking 11-year old Kile Terets during a grade school assembly on pacifism.

The degree-seeking volunteer was at the school to promote the benefits of nonviolent revenge via multi-million dollar lawsuits, and was in the middle of giving an example of verbal harassment, when his provocations led to what witnesses described as a late night bar brawl.

“When Peter called Kile a nut-sucking, low-life bitch, the kid went berserk!” said onlooker and school janitor Lauren Fine, whose minimum wage earnings could have been boosted by some legal tips. “These kids still have to learn about the value of a dollar.”

The efforts of such an assembly comes on the heels of growing tension among grade school students in metropolitan neighborhoods, where parents believe they could cash in on their children’s naiveté.

“I’ll see that kid in court,” Dunker proclaimed from his hospital bed.

The assembly was rescheduled for an upcoming week, and will feature a theater student from NYU who will show the kids how to let their aggression out through song and dance.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Couple Break Into Fertility Clinic to Lecture Unborn Child

Marlton, NJ- Gary Mohr and his wife Annabelle broke into South Jersey Fertility Clinic Wednesday night to see their unborn child, after both claimed to have received an instinctual message from the zygote.

When police arrived in response to the clinic’s security alarm, Mr. Mohr was lecturing the test tube of cells, while his wife stood by nodding her head in agreement.

“This kid is going to be raised right, and will learn the dangers of crying wolf,” Mr. Mohr said while being led away by police. He was brought to the local police station and charged with breaking and entering, despite his efforts to prove that he was “visiting his child’s current dwelling.”

Ms. Mohr, however, defied police commands to leave the building, and threatened to hold petri dishes hostage unless her demand to sing the diploid cell to sleep was granted.

“Twinkle, twink...” the mother sang, slipping into unconsciousness from the sedative police shot her with.

A spokesperson for the clinic stated that this type of behavior from expecting parents was not unusual, and at least 30% of clinic patients act out in one way or another.

Says lab technician, Mike Dry: “We’ll give anyone a baby if the price is right.”

Monday, June 9, 2008

Intergalactic War Lord on the Prowl


Space-Scientologists fear for their lives as intergalactic warlord Suri Cruise wreaks havoc on the world, controlling the minds of the population.

At the ripe age of 2, this Operating Thetan has claimed “deviant behavior” on entertainment’s finest figures, including her own parents, who keep dishing out money to the luxury-goods- loving child in the hopes that they will one day be “clear.”

This extra terrestrial God has warped reality to the extent that rumors of a break-up between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise seems plausible to the media industry.


“I feel like I have to believe it, but I knew that it just can’t be so,” said Entertainment Weekly journalist, Karen Fleet. “I mean, they are like Adam and Eve-who consequently gave birth to a devil-worshipping child.”

There have also been accounts of Suri stunning people with her cuteness in order to get 2 pieces of candy out of the take one basket, or entrancing performers to continue singing songs or dancing in Mickey Mouse costumes and the like, until the alien child has been adequately entertained.


"I don’t know what to believe anymore," shrieked John Travolta, whose years of Scientology practice helped him get rid of his sinful Saturday Night Fever shake.


In defense of these accusations, Suri had this to say: “Suppressive Person.”

Thursday, June 5, 2008

CAPPS II Asks Women About Their Cycles


Chicago-CAPPS II government surveillance via Passenger Profiling system was given another trial run yesterday at O’Hare Airport, where it demanded information about female passengers’ menstrual cycles.

As frequent flyer Kim Kerran was on her way to gate 5 to catch a flight to San Francisco, she was flagged down for further screening of her carry-on baggage after CAPPS II alerted airport officials that she posed a threat to the public. When officials scrutinized her about the tampons in her carry-on, Kerran "lost it."

“I’ll show the government a color-coded indicator,” Kerran steamed. “My cycle is my constitutionally protected business.”

The CAPPS II system has been in the red since its initial implementation by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) in the late 1990’s when travelers worried that it would infringe on their personal liberties by asking questions about birth date, address and phone number.

CAPPS II advocated say they’ll improve the system once again, but don’t understand why people are getting their panties in such a bunch. “It’s no different than a trip to the gyno.”

Monday, June 2, 2008

Area Man Realizes Progress Bar on Download Software Represents Nothing

Little Rock, AR-While patiently waiting for his new HP Inkjet printer to install, David Reeds, 44, realized that the progress bar displayed on his computer screen represented “nothing” and that he was in fact going to miss the first 20 minutes of Star Trek IV.

“The progress bar showed the download was 99% done, but then I waited for 20 minutes,” Reeds said, glaring at his computer monitor. “That’s not progress at all.”

Reeds went on to voice his complaints in various online chat rooms and even videotaped the inaccurate progress bar to post on youtube. Now, downloaders across the nation are voicing their suspicions, while companies strangely remain unavailable for comment.

Best Buy employee Frank Goober: “I’m in charge of dusting the computer screens before closing.”