Tuesday, July 29, 2008

John McCain Caught Drinking Blood


MO - An Associated Press photographer captured McCain behind the scenes at a rally in Cassville yesterday, gulping down a 2-litre bottle of clearly labeled Blood Juice, creating a circus of questions around McCain and his campaign aids.

Other spectators have come forward to express their eerie concerns for the presumptive Republican candidate, claiming he always avoids garlic foods and maintains late-night hours.

“I think this country needs a Black president before it can handle anything like a vampire in the White House,” Missouri Democrat Leonor K. Sullivan said.

McCain aids continue denying the validity of the photos, adding, “If anyone is a vampire, it should not be allowed to adopt a child,” to cheers from senior Republican voters.

Blood Juice is a trademark of Coca-Cola, and was first produced as a fuel-booster for marathon-running vampires. It banned in 1806 in all states except Louisiana. Mississippi, and California, where it can be found in most independently-owned headshops and gas stations along dirt roads.

The juice is a mixture of 78 percent pig, cow and human blood, 20 percent high fructose corn syrup and 2 percent water.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

NY Police Force Training all Officers Not to Fear Unarmed Black Men


New York- The New York Police Department will train all officers not to be afraid of unarmed black men, police chief Wiggum announced Monday on the steps of City Hall.

The new measure is due to the excess of deaths in metropolitan areas where white police officers are shooting at innocent black men who are helping old ladies carry groceries home or leading school children safely across a busy street.

“Truth be told, our boys are afraid,” Chief Wiggum said in an interview following the announcement. “Even the black officers.”

A recent study on the matter suggests the majority of officers are ignorant of the communication skills needed to exchange a few words with another of the human race, without the use of a defense mechanism.

Training sessions will include 5 hours of speech therapy per week and another 3 hours per week of TV time, where the officers will watch episodes of the Cosby Show and Family Matters to help them adapt to another ethnic group.

“Hello, my name is Lieutenant Denmarc,” an officer attempted at the latest training session, holding back an impulse to pull out his weapon. The neophyte continued with basic sentences for a few minutes before cutting one of the speech therapists’ throats out of fear of speaking to a woman.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Dominos Pizza To Take White House Off Do Not Deliver List

WASHINGTON - Domino’s Pizza Enterprises announced Friday that it would act to remove the White House from its do not deliver list after a nine years block on the presidential address.
White House officials were offered menus and refrigerator magnets from the pizza delivery company, who expressed appreciation for finally coming to common terms with issues such as abortion and Domino’s 30 minutes or less guarantee.
“This is a great day in American history,” Domino’s Chairman and CEO David Brandon said, placing his arm around a woman in a pizza costume. “Mr. President, we are thrilled to finally be able to extend our delivery services to you and your staff.”

The White House was on Domino’s top ten delivery list until Bill Clinton moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and began spreading pro-choice propaganda. White House officials also came under fire with the pizza company when they refused to pay for their order under claims that the delivery took longer than the company’s famous ‘30 minutes guarantee.’

In response to be welcomed into the Domino’s Pizza family, a presidential official had this to say: “We hope that one day every man, woman and child will be able to order their very own pizza from Domino’s and option for a side of breadsticks or 2-liter bottle of Coke.”

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Drug Dealers Fight For Union


Los Angeles - Leaders of rival drug-trafficking gangs have band together to challenge Capitol Hill with demands for healthcare benefits, workman’s compensation and a 401K plan for all cronies working more than 30 hours per week.

Momo Jones and Dwayne Reede, leaders of the world’s most prominent drug rings, convened outside a 7eleven after popping a cap in someone’s ass to discuss the need for more job security in the drug dealing industry after the two claimed to be hearing lip from their subordinates about a lack of life insurance and sporadic work hours.

“These GITS need to learn that you’ve got to work hard if you expect to make it in this world,” Jones said, rolling a fat spliff. “Shit, we make the world go round.”

Recent polls confirm that major sports figures, top-paid celebrities, members of the law enforcement, and politicians constitute the largest percentage of a drug dealer’s clientele. Jones and his homies claim that if their rights aren’t taken care of, there’s no telling what will happen to the world.

“Who you think keeps those nuclear weapons from bustin’ shit up?” Reede demanded of reporters at knifepoint. “We funna keep people from goin crazy with some top-notch chill out shit.”

Friday, July 11, 2008

Bomb Blows Up Wrong Airport


A bomb scheduled to detonate in Chicago, IL, accidentally went off in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, due to an American Airlines attendant misplacing the luggage of world-renowned terrorist Milak Ahaah.

Ahaah left his bomb-filled bag with American Airlines attendant Sarah Reiner four hours prior to getting on flight 487 scheduled to blow up at Chicago’s O’Hare airport at 9:10 PM. Unfortunately for Ahaah, whose group hoped to use the bombing to springboard their plan for world-domination, the terrorist arrived safely in Chicago a few hours later.

After hearing of the accidental explosion that killed 482 people in an airport in New Mexico, Ahaah learned of his luggage displacement.

“This mistake just cost me big time and is going to ensure democracy in the United States for at least another 6 years,” Ahaah said. “My family was to receive a large sum of money for my successful suicide mission, but now I’m a laughing stock.”

American Airlines apologized for the inconvenience, and flight attendant Reiner resigned after admitting to her recurring mishandlement of passenger luggage.

“I’m responsible for killing a lot of people in New Mexico who weren’t supposed to die,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “And I ruined a man who was just trying to do his job.”

In a recent press statement, American Airlines vowed to be more vigilant with passengers’ luggage and to show their regret, presented Ahaah with drink vouchers redeemable at any TGI Fridays.

“I will do anything in my powers to ensure that terrorist groups bomb the right airport from now on,” a spokesman for American Airlines said.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Virgin Image Causing Accidents Across Country


National - The Virgin Mary has been appearing in unseemly places across the nation, leaving destruction and fear in her path.

Grace McLaurel, 58, was driving to the hospital to visit her dying husband, when an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in her rear view mirror. The already distraught woman lost control of the car and drove into a ditch, leaving bruises and scrapes on her forehead and upper body.

“I’m a religious person, but this is going too far,” said McLaurel. “Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to be helping people?”

McLaurel is one of many Americans being haunted by images of our so-called Mother Savior that are causing razor blade mishaps, vegetable chopping incidents, and various other fatal and near-fatal accidents.

“She’s been around long enough to know better than this,” said recent victim Christopher Kent, who is recovering from a testicular mishap after the virgin’s image appeared on bed sheets in the brothel he frequents.

Police and the U.S. Army have deemed Mary ‘the phantom menace’ and are currently working on ways to prevent her from striking again.

“She is recklessly endangering the lives of Americans,” Sergeant Peter Pecker said. “And when we find this virgin lady, we’re going to give it to her real good.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

McDonald’s Unveils New BLTG Sandwich to LGBT Community


San Francisco – Last week, McDonald’s unveiled the new BLTG sandwich amid rounds of cheers from the LGBT community who says their needs have been neglected for far too long.

The ubiquitous fast food chain, which provides fast food favorites to people of all races, colors and creeds, says they want to be a front-runner in acceptance of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community and will work towards providing food exclusively tailored to the tastes of this population.

“I want all social outcasts and inferior races to know that they can find solace in one of our delicious burger and fries combinations,” McDonald’s representative Faye Benchmarc said.
“And for 50 cents more they can add a slice of cheese to just melt their troubles away.”

The BLTG sandwich combines an all-beef patty on a sesame bun with bacon, lettuce, tomato, and a special gay sauce. This queer sandwich is expected to be available at 1500 other stores across the nation within the month.

“It’s really the special sauce that I love so much,” said gay man Art Consolo. “It’s so creamy and familiar.”