Thursday, May 28, 2009

Job Cuts Force Newspapers to Recycle Articles


New York – Rampant job cuts in the newspapers industry have forced short-staffed editors to recycle old news, combining unfinished stories about the Obama Administration or Terrorism with articles from Theodore Roosevelt’s presidency or civil rights movements in the 60’s.

“I’ll admit it’s confusing at first,” Metro editor-in-chief Ralph Luckenlu said. “But we have to get papers out on the street and we don’t have time to follow up on stories and get better coverage of issues, so we just throw it together, or make it up like FOX news.”

The change in newspaper format has brought confusion to the masses that wake up fearing that a war is still being fought or question if Elvis is dead. Several Holocaust survivors were hospitalized when they read that Nazi Germany was advancing into Iran with nuclear weapons, and retired vaudevillians got ready for show time when they mistook the social networking site, Facebook for a New York stage.

“When I was a kid, newspapers only cost a nickel,” confused Washington Post reader Bernard Williams said.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Pope Teaches African Kids How to Turn Condoms Into Balloon Animals

Lagos-During a recent visit to Nigeria, Pope Benedict XVI instructed kids between the ages of 6 and 16 on how to turn condoms into balloon animals.

The children spent hours in the sweltering heat, blowing up latex condoms with spermicide or lubrication into ducks, dogs and giraffes, and were grateful for the fun and engaging lesson.

“This was not as boring as an instructional video or the regular sex ed. classes Americans have to take,” 7-year old Niki Tiki Gha told reporters.

The pope also prayed for a respite from poverty and disease in Africa during his visit. He said that once the country became peaceful, they can focus on maintaining an adequate supply of condoms to keep children entertained with balloon animal creations.

“STD’s and unwanted pregnancies are just as much baloney as the Holocaust,” the Pope said. “So I would rather spend time teaching kids to have fun, just like Jesus Christ did before he was hung on the cross.”

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Statue of Liberty Threatens to Step Down Over 'Hairy' Matter

New York – The Statue of Liberty whose crown is scheduled to reopen July 4, threatens to quit her job if she does not get a new hairstyle before the commemorative day.

Since her crown was closed to the public on September 11, 2001, maintenance workers have tarnished Lady Liberty’s nose and robe and made improvements to her expanding waste line, leaving the ‘mop of hair’ atop her head untouched.

“My client can see all the latest hairstyles on New Yorkers, and she is left with a raggedy style from the 18th century,” the statue’s lawyer Ariana Funkle said.

First Lady Michelle Obama immediately responded, saying that despite not being made of steel, she can relate to the statue.

“Girl, my stylist needs to come out there and give some volume or a retro fro,” she told the statue during a press conference earlier today.

Since the news broke, stylists around the world are lining up with suggestions in the hopes they will be the one chosen to do this historic work.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has even offered to send top stylists from Vidal Sassoon to America to do the job, saying that France’s gift to America ‘should never go out of style.’

“I would offer her a bottle of wine or espresso, but I do not think a statue can move her arms.” Sarkozy said.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Penguin Community Demands Acknowledgment for Next Flu Strain

Antarctica-Hearing word of the recent publicity pigs have received over the Swine Flu epidemic, the penguin community came out in force, demanding to be the spokes models for the next flu strain that devastates humans.

The flightless birds claim pigs are taking the attention away from them and their melting habitats—similar to the attention cows received during the Mad Cow outbreak of 95--and they will not stand to be outshined by another animal.

“We are one of the cutest species in the world,” Snowflake the penguin said flapping his wings. “So why shouldn’t we be the models for a fatal disease?”

The penguins remained on the ice until well into the evening, complaining about other species like dogs, fish and humans, which are being recognized for diseases like ringworm, salmonella, and AIDS.

“My fellow penguins, we are not just wintertime accessories,” Snowflake squawked. “It is time we show the world that we are made of more than blubber.”

For their part, the penguins are working hard to contaminate the oceans, introduce toxins to the fish they encounter underwater, and help the ice caps melt, to further their goal of global recognition.

During a recent press conference about the matter, San Diego Zoo biologist, Burt Davis concluded, “These really aren't the smartest animals out there.”

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Model Appalled to Find His Image on Cover of Gay Men's Magazine

San Francisco, CA - Twenty seven year old Stephan Drakore received a shock yesterday when he saw his image on the cover of the gay men's magazine, OUT while purchasing mineral water at a neighborhood grocery store.

The young model scrambled to get all magazines from the store shelf, but not before his father viewed the raunchy cover, where Drakore flexes on all fours on a bear rug wearing only a pair of underwear and scantily dressed men sip cocktails in a hot tub behind him.

Stephan’s father, Police Sergeant Lou Drakore, fell off the toilet and came to unable to explain what had happened or how he had even acquired a copy of the magazine.

“Someone must have slipped it under the door as a joke,” Sgt. Drakore said. “I just don’t know how it got here.”

These recent events have caused a stir in San Francisco’s gay community who are confident of the father and son’s hidden sexualities and have been encouraging the two men to ‘come out.’

"I told my father the same thing I am telling everyone else, 'I don't know how that photo got there, and thought I was modeling for another Calvin Klein ad'."

A phone call to Calvin Klein revealed they had never before signed Drakore for a shoot and were unsure of the confusion.