National -Adopting an infant from Niger or Zimbabwe is no longer a luxury only for icons like Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and according to online polls will be the hottest trend for 2009.
Former Manager of Wired magazine Warren Gumpster signed up for his first African baby after noticing the slow-down in electronic gadgets for sale on the market.
“There was nothing left for me to buy, so I decided to get an African baby,” Gumpster said. “And it’s a lot better than any gadget out there because I don’t have to upload it everyday, and I can leave the baby at home if I want to, unlike my iPhone.”
Ordering an African baby is a simple process of sifting through baby pictures, mailing in basic paperwork and waiting for the child to arrive via FedEx within two weeks.
Statistics also show that owning a child from Africa can immediately elevate a persons social standing in the community by showing that the adopted parent is trendy and in touch with reality.
Elizabeth Dawkins is currently waiting for her African infant that she purchased after reading online reviews of the product.
“It costs far less to own an African baby than it does to get the new iPhone, and it is not as much of a time consumer.”
Due to the growing demand, websites like Blackbaby and iBaby have sprung up on the Internet, with operators available around the clock to take orders for an African child.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Mother Regrets Not Finding Heroin in Son's Bedroom
After assembling family members and friends for an intervention in her home Tuesday evening, Diana Rempleton was amazed to not find any heroin in her son Jake's bedroom.
The group assembled at the home around seven in the evening and watched in awe as the 17 year olds room was ransacked in search of traces of the illegal substance. When the young man returned home from choir practice at 8:30, family members searched for needle marks on his arms and legs.
"I was so positive he was on the smack, and I told everyone about his problem," Rempleton said between sobs. "It's just a shame that I didn't find anything."
Rempleton had suspected that her son Jake was a serious heroin user since viewing the Fox news special "The secret dangers of Heroin," because of a pink and green jelly bracelet he came home wearing after attending a church carnival with friends.
Rempleton's son, Jake is an honors student in his senior year at Westminster High. After graduation he plans on attending Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in Singapore on a scholarship.
"I didn't mean to disappoint my mother," Jake said.
The group assembled at the home around seven in the evening and watched in awe as the 17 year olds room was ransacked in search of traces of the illegal substance. When the young man returned home from choir practice at 8:30, family members searched for needle marks on his arms and legs.
"I was so positive he was on the smack, and I told everyone about his problem," Rempleton said between sobs. "It's just a shame that I didn't find anything."
Rempleton had suspected that her son Jake was a serious heroin user since viewing the Fox news special "The secret dangers of Heroin," because of a pink and green jelly bracelet he came home wearing after attending a church carnival with friends.
Rempleton's son, Jake is an honors student in his senior year at Westminster High. After graduation he plans on attending Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in Singapore on a scholarship.
"I didn't mean to disappoint my mother," Jake said.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Human Think Tank Only Guy with Stuffed Dolphin
Washington - US government officials were stunned today to learn that their main source of funding, the Human Think Tank (HTT), is nothing more than a guy with a stuffed dolphin.
Police entered the home of Leeroy Tunc on Friday morning in response to a noise complaint by a neighbor. Once inside the D.C. home, they found Tunc with stuffed dolphin held close to his chest, and months of government checks written out to the Human Think Tank scattered about the premises.
“We kept getting reports on the human species from HTT so we just assumed it was legitimate from the start and paid for it,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said.
Records showed that the government had been receiving studies on human activities such as coloring, eating ice cream and playing Frolf for more than 14 years from HTT without asking questions of its validity or purpose.
“As government officials, it is our job to learn about human beings,” Senator Chris Dodd said. “It’s just a shame to think that a name as good as Human Think Tank was made up.”
Officials are left debating whether or not they will press charges on the man they depended on for so much human research, but will take away HTT’s tax exempt status.
“We can not act rashly on this issue,” Rice said. “This man may be our only key to better understanding the human species.”
Police entered the home of Leeroy Tunc on Friday morning in response to a noise complaint by a neighbor. Once inside the D.C. home, they found Tunc with stuffed dolphin held close to his chest, and months of government checks written out to the Human Think Tank scattered about the premises.
“We kept getting reports on the human species from HTT so we just assumed it was legitimate from the start and paid for it,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said.
Records showed that the government had been receiving studies on human activities such as coloring, eating ice cream and playing Frolf for more than 14 years from HTT without asking questions of its validity or purpose.
“As government officials, it is our job to learn about human beings,” Senator Chris Dodd said. “It’s just a shame to think that a name as good as Human Think Tank was made up.”
Officials are left debating whether or not they will press charges on the man they depended on for so much human research, but will take away HTT’s tax exempt status.
“We can not act rashly on this issue,” Rice said. “This man may be our only key to better understanding the human species.”
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Waning Food Supply Looks to Computer Spam for Aid
Washington-The US government has turned its attention to computer spam to quell fears of a nationwide food shortage, a White House representative announced Monday.
The non-fat, non-carb spam that infects millions of computers each year will soon be offered for sale as food products from Internet security firms such as FireEye and Symantec. Flavors will include chicken, pork and seafood in sizes ranging from single to family.
“With computer spam, people can consume as much as they want without getting full or gaining weight,” White House spokesperson Guy Smilie said, touting the various benefits of the web-based product.
Smilie also expressed his hope for computer spam to conquer the obesity problem in the states while fueling the ailing economy without being undermined by climate change like so many other of our precious crops.
“This is a nutritious alternative to the processed canned meat, and there is an over-abundance so our supply might never run out,” FireEye executive Wayne Packson said.
The non-fat, non-carb spam that infects millions of computers each year will soon be offered for sale as food products from Internet security firms such as FireEye and Symantec. Flavors will include chicken, pork and seafood in sizes ranging from single to family.
“With computer spam, people can consume as much as they want without getting full or gaining weight,” White House spokesperson Guy Smilie said, touting the various benefits of the web-based product.
Smilie also expressed his hope for computer spam to conquer the obesity problem in the states while fueling the ailing economy without being undermined by climate change like so many other of our precious crops.
“This is a nutritious alternative to the processed canned meat, and there is an over-abundance so our supply might never run out,” FireEye executive Wayne Packson said.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Man Voted Best Smelling Homeless Person 2008
New York- A man who lives on the Bowery on Manhattan’s lower east side and answers to the name Indiana Jones was awarded Best Smelling Homeless Person of 2008 yesterday by the natural bath products company, Tom’s of Maine.
Mr. Jones’ initially responded by pulling a knife on the company’s spokesman, D.J. Criggens. Before any actual harm had come to the Tom’s of Maine employee, Mr. Jones accepted the award.
“Stink, stink, the government!” he said.
Criggens offered the decrepit man a selection of deodorants as well as gift certificate for Tom’s of Maine products, which Mr. Jones proceeded to eat. When the homeless man asked Criggens for money or food, the spokesman gave a blunt no, and walked away from the cardboard home.
The company that brings you all natural toothpastes and organic deodorants created the award as a way to promote natural products around the country. In 2009, the multi-billion dollar company plans to donate cases of antiplaque floss to AIDS victims in Kenya.
Mr. Jones’ initially responded by pulling a knife on the company’s spokesman, D.J. Criggens. Before any actual harm had come to the Tom’s of Maine employee, Mr. Jones accepted the award.
“Stink, stink, the government!” he said.
Criggens offered the decrepit man a selection of deodorants as well as gift certificate for Tom’s of Maine products, which Mr. Jones proceeded to eat. When the homeless man asked Criggens for money or food, the spokesman gave a blunt no, and walked away from the cardboard home.
The company that brings you all natural toothpastes and organic deodorants created the award as a way to promote natural products around the country. In 2009, the multi-billion dollar company plans to donate cases of antiplaque floss to AIDS victims in Kenya.
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