Woman Predicts the Return of Flapper Dresses Seconds Before Death

Little Rock, AK – Just seconds before passing away late last night in General Hospital, renowned psychic Ivanaka Spiglioni (79) gave her final prediction to the world: the return of flapper dressers.

Spiglioni was surrounded by family and friends in the hospital room when she made the prediction despite her frail state.

“At first I thought she was telling her cousin Herbert to get off the cord to her life support, but it didn’t really sound like that,” Spiglioni’s brother Rick said. “My sister said she was making a prediction so we all leaned in real close to hear her good.”

Spiglioni led a humble life in Arkansas, telling fortunes from an outhouse that had been used by her family for many generations. She was known throughout the town for her ability to warn people of food poisoning at IHOP, rainstorms, and premenstrual women.

“We will have a funeral service for her by the barn,” her sister Charlotte said. “She will be missed by her family, although it will be easier to use the bathroom.”

$165 Million Banquet for AIG Recipient’s who Returned Bonus Money

Washington - Fifteen of 20 American International Group leading bonus recipients who agreed to give back their bonuses in full were recognized by President Obama Tuesday night with a banquet that cost nearly $165 million.

The banquet was held at the lavish Willard Hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, where a wait staff of 100 lavished humble AIG employees with the finest meat, cheese, and champagne in the world.

“These men are examples of the kind of giving that needs to take place more often in this country, and I laud their attempts and want to do my part to give back,” President Obama said, presenting the fifteen men with gold plaques estimating $10 thousand each.

Their courage and cooperation had the men partying well into the morning hours dancing in the ballroom and smoking some of the world’s finest cigars in the hotel lounge.

“This is far better than anything I could have dreamed of doing with the money,” AIG employee Warren Dykamore said.

Another recipient of the plaque stated, “It is too heavy to hang on the wall of the tent I now live in, but I will keep it close to my heart.”

Money Anonymous Group Forms In Hamptons

New York - In a time that looks down on those who have money in the bank, affluent citizens are buying their way into an anonymous program where they can flaunt their cash and discuss luxury problems in a non-judgmental environment.

Money Anonymous was formed at the prominent Maidstone Club of East Hampton by Pearson P., who claims the rich and famous are suffering just as much as the people in the poor house.

“I wanted to develop a place where people could unburden themselves from leading prestigious, wealthy lifestyles,” Pearson P. said. “True that we are better than most, but we should not be forced to suffer for that.”

Money Anonymous is a group with close to 300 members since their beginning in December 2008. Group members gather weekly to complain about hired help and valet parking, or dealing with the pressures of shopping at Gucci and Dior every weekend. The group is self-supporting so they pass an alligator-skin basket around during each meeting to pay for expenses like authentic Corsican tea, foie gras, French chocolates, Majesty’s Reserve cigars and whatever else group members’ desire.

"The hope is that people will feel comfortable with who they are," Pearson said.

When asked about the extravagance of the group while the majority of Americans are struggling and losing jobs, member Paris H. had this to say: "Poor people need to know that we have feelings too."

Secretary Amazed at the Lack of Attendance During Company's Mandatory Fire Drill

New York-Grace Hall, legal secretary at Lou, Schult, and Ham LLP. was amazed last Thursday afternoon when she arrived at the fifth floor emergency stairwell during a routine fire drill and noticed the absence of several colleagues.

"One of the admins is pregnant, and she didn't even show up," Hall said in a recent interview. "Now she doesn't know what to do in case of an emergency, so I think she should just be left to burn."

Hall went on to express her dismay at the manager’s lack of interest when she recounted the story to him. “I don’t even think he [manager] showed up for the fire drill either. I went and left a perfectly cup of coffee at my desk.”

In accordance with New York City Fire Department regulations, companies must conduct fire drills and Emergency Evacuation Procedures each quarter, informing employees of emergency stairwell locations and check-in points. Prior to each drill, all employees are given instructions via e-mail or letter from their employer, and are asked to comply when the bell sounds.

“We strongly suggest that all employees follow instructions during emergency drills, but we can not guarantee that everyone will show up,” Manager Grennegs Ham said. “This is a business, not a daycare center.”

Fashion Icons Unveil Summer Poor Look at Paris Show

Paris-Calvin Klein and Louis Vuitton stunk up the runway last Saturday night with their 2009 summer bum collection.

Models adorned in dirty, loose fitting trousers and hole-ridden flannel shirts strutted their stuff down the trash-laden catwalk. The new looks were formulated with the idea of the simple, economically friendly shopper in mind.

“We want to show the people that we can understand their hardships,” designer Jean-Paul Gaultier said adjusting the diamond ring on his finger, “And we will all look poor and fabulous together.”

Although the clothes reek of booze and urine, the pristine price tag stinks of riches.
The going price for jewelry made of shoestring and tin cans starts at $3000.

It’s all about accessorizing this summer and letting people see and smell your hardships,” Coco Chanel said, spraying her new perfume Rotten into the air.