Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.

Ice Cream Man to Avenge First Lady for Healthy Agenda

Sunrise- Florida ice cream truck driver Samuel Plaftom vowed to avenge First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday if she continues Let’s Move!, her ambitious campaign to tackle the challenge of childhood obesity.

The news came after the 248-pound man watched a press conference where Michelle Obama stated her desire to eliminate dessert. Plaftom immediately dropped his ice cream cone and sounded his ice cream truck alarm to organize his 2-ton support group.

“This woman is destroying my business and she is corrupting the cholesterol-clogged, fatty-deposited hearts of all Americans,” Plaftom said catching his breath. “I will chase her down and fight her for doing this to us.” The feeble man took two steps forward then needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath.

Area support groups including Fostering America’s Tonnage (FAT) and Overweight Beauties Eating So Excessively (OBESE) have also waddled out of hiding in support of Plaftom and high-caloric, sugary goods that line grocery store shelves.

“I believe you can accomplish anything with a shotgun and some pulled pork,” FAT republican Patricia Clark said. “Leave it to the preppies to try and make us work for some silly ideal that won’t even give us instant gratification.”

Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”