La Flemme

Area Man Has Nervous Breakdown Trying to Think of Others During Holidays

2010-12-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

New York City-Area man Roy Henderson was overwhelmed by the concept of thinking about another person during the holiday season while shopping in Macy’s Herald Square yesterday afternoon.

While conversing with a store clerk to learn about the concept of giving a gift to another person, the forty-three-year-old clutched at his chest and complained of not being able to breath. According to the police report, Henderson fainted when a store clerk presented him with two gift options that he could not benefit from.

“He seemed pretty frazzled from the start, asking me questions about why people exchange gifts to one another instead of just buying things they want,” customer service rep. Tina Chuwana said. “I just asked a few follow up questions about the person he was shopping for and the guy completely lost it, and was screaming about how the person should get their own gift.”

Other store clerks agreed with Chuwana that the customer was hostile and seemed like he did not know what he was doing in the store.

Friends and family members came forward when they heard of Henderson’s hospitalization and assured police that the concept of giving was foreign to the man.

“I never should have pushed him to buy me a gift,” Henderson’s wife Clara said through tears. “Sure he’s a selfish jerk, but we never wanted anything like this to happen.”

Henderson, who is recuperating in General Hospital, commented from his hospital bed. “You’re damn right this is her fault. I just hope that woman has $50,000 for my hospital bill.”

Area Woman Ruins Thanksgiving With Canadian Guest

2010-11-28T18:25:00.000-08:00

New York – Area woman Annie Ferguson ruined Thanksgiving dinner when she showed up at a friend’s house with a Canadian date.

Thanksgiving dinner hosts Marie and Sam Tompkins claimed their friend’s date, a Canadian, was an unsavory dinner guest. The foreigner reportedly displayed sloppy eating habits, ruined various pieces of wood furniture throughout the house, and was an unwilling participant in after dinner board games.

“This was someone’s idea of a sick joke,” Mr. Tompkins said sopping up spilled cranberry juice. “To think that we were kind enough to let that into our country, into our home.”

The couple spent the remainder of the holiday evening cleaning up the intruder’s mess and quietly sobbing in one another's arms.

“I just don’t think I’ll be able to handle another Thanksgiving,” Mrs. Tompkins said.

Police reports filed the following day showed estimated damages to the house to be in the thousands, but the Tompkins are pessimistic that they will see any of the money.

In the meantime state officials say they will consider tightening security along the Canadian border so that Thanksgiving will remain a peaceful tradition.

“You don’t see the pilgrims and Indians disrespecting one another like that,” officer Harry Petrakis said shaking his head. “It’s just typical Canadian arrogance.”

President Obama Joins Car Wash to Rally Last-minute Support

2010-10-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Washington – This morning Barack Obama teamed with residents of Moody Acres mental institute for a charity car wash as a final attempt at gaining Democratic support in Tuesday’s election.

President Obama, clad in a polo shirt, blue shorts and tattered penny loafers, got down and dirty with patients suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and retardation, to clean the cavalcade of Japanese and German made cars that rolled into the Exxon station on Capitol Hill.

“Yes you can keep your car clean,” Obama said to the driver of a Honda civic, spraying Windex on the front windshield. “But it’s going to take a lot of hard work on your part and it ain’t going to happen overnight.”

Obama’s rhetoric left many customers of the five cents car wash confused and uneasy.

“I don’t understand why he said I had to work for it,” car wash customer Meryl Hamper said. “I mean, I paid five cents so they would clean it for me, right?”

Members of Moody Acres mental institute appreciated the president’s help, and were each happy to earn three cents after Obama deducted supply expenses, 55% in federal and state taxes, and his share of the profits.

“At least we got something because I was afraid that the black man would just take it all,” paranoid schizophrenic Clyde Williams said.

Yuppies Burn Birkenstocks Outside of J. Crew

2010-09-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

New York – A group of yuppies gathered outside of J. Crew on Fifth Avenue Friday and burned Birkenstocks in an act of defiance against hippies and their tree-hugging agenda.

The conservative group says hippies have influenced popular culture for far too long with the influx of vegan grocery stores and head shops throughout the city. Yuppies say it is time for corporate executives and companies like Starbucks and Apple to reclaim the city.

“These people spread lies about pacifism and smell real bad,” Yuppie Donald Renke said on his way to a meeting at the Cornell Club.

Hippies responded to the act by singing songs of love and peace in a drum circle on the north lawn of Central Park. Their tree-hugging methods disrupted sunbathers and families gathering in the public space.

One mother, Samantha Redding, claimed that the hippies in Central Park ruined her child’s fifth birthday party.

“These hippies have gone too far,” Redding said. “My kid is at home crying because those degenerates were mocking us for eating cake that was made from eggs and milk.”

“Dude, people just need to chill out and be happy,” hippie Luke said blowing a cloud of marijuana smoke into the air.

Family Cat Rates Netflix Movies

2010-08-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

New York – The Joneses were astonished last night when they returned home to find their computer logged into the rental-by-mail website Netlfix, and their cat Whiskers rating films in their queue.

The Joneses had known that something was ‘fishy’ with their DVD rental system for the past week or so, because they kept receiving films like Finding Nemo and Puss in Boots. They never expected the culprit to be their lovable pet.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mrs. Jones said in between sobs. “We raised Whiskers to be an honest cat and then this.”

The couple has worked with their film rental company to be reimbursed for the errors in shipment and will be changing the security settings on their remote controls so something like this does not happen again.

“Another incident like this and we might have to just put him down,” Mr. Jones said.

Area Douche Bag Jacked up on Chicken

2010-08-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

New York - Police responded to a disturbance in Times Square earlier today and arrested Ray Finklestein who was wreaking havoc on the city streets.

The proclaimed 'douche bag' was ripping parking meters out of the ground and throwing garbage cans across city streets to show off his big muscles after wolfing down nine pounds of chicken on his lunch break.

"The guy is such a douche bag and always monopolizes the microwave in the break room," colleauge Quincy Jones said. "He's so obsessed with himself and his big muscles."

Finklestein was placed in a holding cell at the county jail for three hours while his hormone levels calmed down. Police then escorted him out of the building with a $5,000 fine and a recipe book of safer to eat, high-protein meals.

"The fine for disorderly conduct and damage to property is usually $1,000," officer Sparks said,. "But this guy was such a douche bag we made him pay a little more."

Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

2010-06-23T12:20:00.001-07:00

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"

Area Man Morphs Into Balloon to Enter Father’s Day Parade

2010-06-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Tampa – Harry and Pete Johnson were amazed at the Hillsborough County Father’s Day Parade this morning when their father Wick Johnson morphed into a giant helium balloon.

The 20-foot balloon-man made his way into the parade that snaked through various neighborhoods in the area, waving to the crowds and shouting great tidings.

“Every year he talks about how he wants to be one of those balloons,” 10-year-old son Harry said. “But we just thought he was talking nonsense.”

Police circled Johnson as he neared the end of the parade, and after he deflated himself, brought him to the police station for questioning.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Officer Holden said. “But we all know of the destruction Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was capable of in Ghostbusters, so we couldn’t take our chances.”

This is the first known incident of a man spontaneously inflating himself with helium and scientists and doctors are questioning this phenomenon and looking into any severe health implications of such an act.

From his observation room in Tampa General Hospital, Mr. Johnson had only this to say: “Whatever happens, it sure was worth it.”

Sarah Palin’s Breasts Push Political Agenda

2010-06-17T06:43:00.001-07:00

Washington – The breasts of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a public appearance last night at the Elkin Strip Club in Wasilla, Alaska to deny charges that they were recently augmented and to discuss politics with the drunken crowd.

The buoyant twins took to the stage just after 2 a.m. and showed off their natural beauty to the beat of The Eurythmics while dissuading the crowd from same-sex marriage.

“The more that chic shakes her melons, the more I believe in her political message,” Elkin regular Wally Marsh said.

Since Palin has added dancing to her repertoire of talents, her popularity among middle-aged and old white males has skyrocketed and there are hints that she may pursue the presidency in 2012, using her breasts to get to the top.

“I had to pay a fee to get up on that there stage,” Palin said, “and doggonit I am glad to have done it because now people will really listen to my message. I am a proud American.” Palin lifted her shirt to expose red, white and blue painted breasts.

Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

2010-05-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.

Ice Cream Man to Avenge First Lady for Healthy Agenda

2010-05-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

Sunrise- Florida ice cream truck driver Samuel Plaftom vowed to avenge First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday if she continues Let’s Move!, her ambitious campaign to tackle the challenge of childhood obesity.

The news came after the 248-pound man watched a press conference where Michelle Obama stated her desire to eliminate dessert. Plaftom immediately dropped his ice cream cone and sounded his ice cream truck alarm to organize his 2-ton support group.

“This woman is destroying my business and she is corrupting the cholesterol-clogged, fatty-deposited hearts of all Americans,” Plaftom said catching his breath. “I will chase her down and fight her for doing this to us.” The feeble man took two steps forward then needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath.

Area support groups including Fostering America’s Tonnage (FAT) and Overweight Beauties Eating So Excessively (OBESE) have also waddled out of hiding in support of Plaftom and high-caloric, sugary goods that line grocery store shelves.

“I believe you can accomplish anything with a shotgun and some pulled pork,” FAT republican Patricia Clark said. “Leave it to the preppies to try and make us work for some silly ideal that won’t even give us instant gratification.”

Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

2010-05-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”

Gulf oil leak Spawns The Blob

2010-04-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

New Orleans -The oil-drilling rig that blew up and sank last week off the coast of Louisiana continues to leak barrels of oil daily into the Gulf of Mexico, unleashing longtime supervillian The Blob into international waters.

The amoeba-like alien has been terrorizing marine life in the Gulf of Mexico for the past two days, consuming everything in its path as it gets bigger and makes its way to American soil

“This mutant will consume everything in its path you see, if we, the American people, don’t put a stop to it,” President Obama stated in a less than encouraging podcast from the White House.

It remains unclear whether the juggernaut is a creature from outer space, a mutant or something else entirely, but the U.S. National Guard is doing everything in their power to defuse the potential threat.

“We don’t know much and I don’t know if there’s a Wolverine or anyone out there, but X-Men, America needs your help,” National Guard recruiter Pat Smith said.

Putin Finds Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Moscow Sewers

2010-03-31T08:14:00.001-07:00

Moscow-While searching for those responsible for twin suicide bombings that killed 39 in Moscow Monday, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin found five Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who apparently had been living in the Russian sewer system for the past decade.

Nunchaku, katanas, a bō staff, and sais were immediately confiscated from the five Ninja Turtles and they were taken to Kremlin headquarters for questioning.

“One guy talk about where’s April and the other always asking for food, always wanting pizza,” Kremlin officer Nicholas Taskovich said with a frown. “I tell him Russia turn his face into pizza pie.”

After hours of looking through a series of comic books and websites the socially awkward, vitamin D deficient turtles’ identities were revealed, which led to further questions by the Kremlin.

“If you are superhero living in Russia sewer system, why you not help Russians?” one official asked.

A few hours later sage Master Splinter arrived and bribed the guards to set the turtles free.

The Ninja Turtles left their home in the sewers of New York in 1996 to pursue their arch-nemesis Shredder on foreign soil. When they returned to America a few years later they were dismayed to learn that they had been outshined by the Power Rangers and decided to start a new life in Russia.

The Ninja Turtles left Kremlin headquarters after agreeing to assist the Kremlin with fighting crime in the streets of Russia and the government is currently considering a new TV series Черепашки-ниндзя

McCain-Palin Reunite to Form Folk Band

2010-03-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

Washington-Two thousand and eight presidential and vice presidential candidate John McCain and Sarah Palin announced earlier today that they will be forming a Folk band titled, Stocking Gun and the Gang.

The two solidified the idea after a drunken bout of impromptu singing at Bob’s Pub off Interstate A1 in Alaska late Sunday night after it was clear that their republican message was not being heard.

“They didn’t seem as friendly as the regulars we get here. Kind of angry at one another,” Bar owner Bob Cobb said. “And the old guy kept rattlin’ on about a voice and pointed to the microphone so the woman staggered over and started singing.”

Palin’s a cappella version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was met with little enthusiasm from the three patrons of the bar until she started unbuttoning her suit jacket.

“My friends, if my friend [Palin] can make five dollars for a few minutes worth of work, well, that tells me the American dream is still alive and well. And together we will preach that dream to the American people.”

The duo are scheduled to being voice lessons and have already begun writing songs for their first album, with titles including, Will My Neck Ever Grow Back, Abortion-bortion Gives Doctors a Fortune and My Love, My Gun.

“I think the people of America will be more receptive to our political message through harmony and with a tambourine doggone it” Palin said from inside the Chanel store on Rodeo Drive where she was trying out ‘hippie skirts’.

Burger King Employee Frazzled by Three Customers

2010-03-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Montreal-Burger King employee Sheila Jones was overwhelmed this morning when the line of customers at the heavily-trafficked Burger King in Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport swelled to three customers.

The incident took place around 7:30 p.m. just after Jones began her night shift, which usually involved limited interaction with people and minimal effort on her part.

“I usually work the evening hour and it is not too busy. But this, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Jones said from underneath a blanket administered by airport security.

The first two customers wait time exceeded eight minutes as they watched the young employee attempt to blend a milk shake, package a small order fries and take the final customer’s order.

“She dropped my Whopper on the ground so I had to wait another five minutes while they prepared a second one.” New Yorker Gerald Richie said. “I think she [Jones] might be better working in a low-volume environment.”

Jones is recovering at Wakefield Mill Inn Spa in Quebec for the week.

Killer Whale Enters Rehab

2010-02-26T07:21:00.001-08:00

Orlando-After killing yet another trainer at Sea World, killer whale Tilikum will enter a rehabilitation center to eliminate his hunger for humans while receiving treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Psychiatrists have monitored the mammal since the incident on Tuesday in which he dragged a trainer into the water and held her underwater long enough to drown her, and deduced that he is resentful at his small living space. Animal Psychiatrist Dr. Von Faust believes that a 12-step program will help him to deal with his anger issues and accept his position in life.

“They are usually not happy when they come in and lash out and it is very abusive at first,” Von Fraust said waving his right leg stump. “But I persist and try to teach them how to believe in a higher power and meditation techniques. And they either learn to accept their lot in life or we have to put them to sleep.”

The recent incident also has doctors questioning Tilikum’s ability to handle fortune and fame. T-shirts, mugs and baseball caps with his name and image can be found in gift shops throughout the amusement park and he has helped Sea World sell millions of dollars worth of ticket.

“It might also help their self-esteem if we gave them a name that’s a bit more peaceful than ‘killer whale.’ Sea World employee and member of the Center for the Obvious Seth Roebuck said.

Roomba Sneaks into Curling Match at Olympics

2010-02-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Vancouver – An iRobot Roomba appeared in the midst of an Olympics curling competition between Sweden and Japan yesterday, after being discombobulated by all of the brooms on the ice.

The autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner was navigating the stadium bleachers around 3PM when due to a wiring problem accidentally flew onto the ice, knocking two stones away from the target.

“It was cute, really,” Judge Edie Franklin said. “The little guy just wanted a piece of the action.”

The Roomba, whose shape and size are indistinguishable to that of the stones used in curling, remained undetected on the ice for another 10 minutes, until a Japanese referee noticed subtle movement.

“I’ve been judging these games for 35 years so I can smell a rat like that,” Dick Sweeney said touching the tip of his nose.

Curling is a team Olympic sport in which stones are slid across sheets of ice towards a target area accompanied by sweepers with brooms to heat the ice giving the stones greater potential to slide. It has been an official sport of the Winter Olympic Games since 1998.

The International Olympic Committee is currently hashing out the details for a new summer sport involving Roombas to counter the game of curling. Officials close to the committee have hinted that the game would involve a dirty maze the machines must clean their way through, and will exert even less energy than curling.

“The only duty available for humans would be turning the machine on, which I say would burn 5 calories,” Olympics historian Seth Feingold said. “But the strategy is in the program the Roomba would be set to, which will burn somewhere between 7 and 15 calories.”

When asked if it would be interested in participating in such a sport, the Roomba emitted a contact-sensing noise and flashed its infrared sensor.

Possessed Dog Runs Amok in Central Park after Hearing Bobby Brown’s Music

2010-02-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

New York-Bingo, a stray dog that has been wandering the boroughs of New York for six years, became possessed earlier today after hearing Bobby Brown’s 1988 hit single, My Prerogative.

The dog entered Rasta Records on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and 126th street in Harlem around 11 this morning. He wandered the store for a few minutes eating scraps of food then lay down next to a group of teenagers congregated in the back room.

“We were just listening to some old tunes, you know, and hanging out, and, you know, getting high and stuff. And I put on an old Bobby Brown record and you know, the dog just lost it and his eyes turned all freaky,” teen Adam Wessler said.

Police arrived on the scene by 11:30 to restrain the rabid dog, which had been breaking records and biting store employees. After several failed attempts at using a taser gun on the animal, police turned to religious figures for help.

“There was a lot of drug paraphernalia in the store so the dog could have digested some PCP and cannabis to make him go crazy,” Wild Animal Expert and Police Officer Patrick Butter said. “But the chances of demonic possession caused by a Bobby Brown hit song are far more likely, so we needed to put our faith in the church.”

Father Tony of Holy Sacred Merriment Church arrived with rosaries and holy water to perform an exorcism a few hours later, and was last seen chasing the demonic dog into Central Park.

Bobby Brown could not be reached for comment on the matter, but a spokesperson has made it very clear that “he is not a demon.”

White House Puts Nation’s Chuck E. Cheese’s on High Alert for Terrorist Threat

2010-01-28T12:47:00.000-08:00

Washington – The White House placed Chuck E. Cheese's, a national chain of family entertainment centers, on high alert for terrorist threats today after an undercover detective witnessed suspicious activity near the Wac-a-Mole machine.

Special Agent Fox Mulder was collecting his tickets after a riveting game of Skee ball earlier today when he witnessed a middle-aged, dark-skinned man with lime green sunglasses in covert discussions with a crowd of teenagers.

"When I see a man like that, I immediately sense suspicious activity," Mulder said in his basement office. "And I have this badge so I can quickly determine a terrorist threat."

The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have been monitoring certain family entertainment centers after studies showed they were a possible breeding ground for terrorists and terrorist activities.

A report released by the White House this afternoon confirmed that terrorists are drawn to the colorful plastic ball pit at several family entertainment centers, and suggested that a bomb could easily be hidden in Big Bertha, a mechanical woman whose belly grows as the gamer tosses plastic balls into her mouth.

“It could have been just some ageing hippie buying reefer,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, "but we must view any and all suspicious activities as a threat to ensure the security of this nation. And we must take immediate and severe action before we stop to ask questions."

Special Agent Mulder remained at the Chuck E. Cheese's through lunch to watch the animatronic show "Pizza Time Players," and then traced the suspicious man to a trailer park in Davie, Florida.

"At least I can sleep well tonight knowing that Chuck E. Cheese's is safe for now, and wake up tomorrow morning courtesy of my Chuck E. Cheese's alarm clock (10,000 tickets) and continue to monitor these family entertainment centers to ensure that they will be safe for the next generation of Americans."

WMD’s Accidentally Shipped to Orphanage on Christmas Day

2010-01-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

Oklahoma-Children at Shady Acres Orphanage in Afton received a surprise Christmas morning when enormous boxes of Weapons of Mass Destruction were accidentally shipped to their humble home.

The children ripped open the boxes and began playing with the toys like any other. It wasn't until an atomic bomb inside a suitcase was accidentally triggered that directors of the orphanage began to question the generous gift.

“The kids were just so happy that they weren’t forgotten on Christmas,” Shady Acres director Maggie Mason said. “One kid peeled the toxic symbol off of one of the vials and used it as a mask.”

Although no children were harmed, the bomb that was set created a 5-mile crater in the back of the home and Special Forces arrived to evacuate the town. White House investigators announced that an intern working in the Homeland Security office who misspelled Afghanistan on the mailing label created the mistake.

“Those mailing labels are so small and I was just trying to abbreviate to fit it all in," intern Blake Reynolds said.

Cows Upset About Pork in Healthcare Reform Bill

2009-12-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

Nebraska- Cows came out in force Sunday, protesting all of the pork Senate has stuffed into a U.S. healthcare reform bill—in particular for Nebraska Democrat Ben Nelson—to facilitate its passage.

The animals say they feel cheated by swine after decades of providing a variety of meats and rinds to the American people and are disgraced by the ability for “some little piggies to get their way after going ‘wee, wee, wee’”.

“I’ll rip out my side and give it to a family of four as long as the American government stops stuffing swine into everything in this country,” spokescow Sammy Moo said. “America is all about all-beef and I for one would like to keep it that way.”

The cow community put up quite a moo as they marched to City Hall to demand justice where spent the ensuing hours presenting the crowd of politicians and news stations with figures and charts validating the superior health benefits and nutrients in their red meat.

Additional spending and provisions in the bill, considered wasteful by most critics, includes money for walking paths, jungle gyms and farmers’ markets around the nation, along with a cool $45m for Nelson's state of Nebraska over 10 years.

“We cost $3.99 lb at the local grocery store,” cow leader Al Beef said. “These pigs live in squalor and fill up humans with cholesterol and empty calories which will drive healthcare costs up even more.”

The protest remained mostly peaceful with only three tippings from local miscreants and off-duty officers, and the cows retreated to their pastures by 8 that evening.

Large Hadron Collider Generates Pac-Men

2009-12-09T12:58:00.001-08:00

Geneva – Scientists were amazed late Tuesday night when the recently turned on particle accelerator smashed together opposing particle beams of protons and lead nuclei and produced several miniature Pac-Men.

The machine began spewing out the arcade game characters only minutes after it began its prolific objective of recreating the formation of our universe. The three-dimensional particles spilled out of the machine and began eating every circular object in sight, fleeing into dark corners when any ghost-like being came near them.

“We didn’t know what to expect, and certainly expected nothing this great,” Physicist and life-long gamer Lars Olfinson said. “The existence of Pac Men is far more important than the existence of anything else human might ponder, even the existence of God.”

After hours of chasing the new species around the laboratory, scientists set up a trap to contain all ten of them in a cage, although one evaporated upon coming into contact with one of the scientist’s ghost-ring. Scientists will begin performing experiments to explore the chemical makeup and biology of these animals and discern if they are in fact what created our universe and life on Earth.

“We find that they really like to move around in the rat mazes,” scientist Greta Schussesser said.
Workers at CERN, the European Center for Nuclear Research are scheduled to turn Large Hadron Collider on again in March 2010 when they will begin their search for Super Mario Bros.

Obama Unveils Afghan Plan with G.I. Joe and Power Rangers Action Figures

2009-12-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama last night enumerated on his war strategy in Afghanistan with the aid of GiJoe and Power Rangers action figures.

The mock set-up was unveiled to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, where Obama represented himself as Captain America and Taliban leaders as Mr. Potato Heads.

“We had to use a Barbie mansion for one of the diorama’s so I ask that American’s use their imagination to see that this is in fact a Taliban training ground.”

There were also pictures of pink army tanks with flowers and nuclear weapons full of flowers drawn by the president’s two daughters Malia and Sasha.

“He knows how to talk to the people in a way that we can understand, using images and drawings to clarify his position on this enduring war that has cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

Obama also stressed the importance of the war in Afghanistan being an ‘international effort’ to which American allies Canada and Germany responded by offering Captain Canada and HaPe – Tasia “Meerjungfrauen-Spielwelt” toys.

Quebec Chef Chastised for Serving Thanksgiving Poutine

2009-11-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

Derby Line, VT-An American family chastised a Canadian Chef yesterday when he served them a Thanksgiving poutine at his restaurant along the United States-Canada border.

The Henderson’s car broke down around 5pm on Thursday on their way to a cousin’s house in a neighboring town when they entered the restaurant famished and requested a Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one they were missing.

Canadian Chef Pierre Chammoneuvre modified a Quebec diner staple consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curd and covered with brown gravy to include stuffing, cranberries and pieces of turkey that he presented to the family with warm holiday wishes.

“It was disgusting and a mockery of one of the greatest holidays,” Mr. Henderson said. “The kids were screaming and scared shitless and my wife hasn’t stopped crying since.”

Chammoneuvre says he chose the dish in an effort to bring Americans and Canadians together on the holiday and never expected such an adverse reaction.

“Maybe I overdid the cheese curds and gravy,” he said.

The Henderson’s said they would not press charges and plan on entering therapy to overcome this incident and hopefully reclaim some semblance of their previous life.

“Thanksgiving will never be the same,” Mrs. Henderson said.

German Tourist Outraged by Lack of Dispute at Theater Arts Panel

2009-11-20T09:19:00.001-08:00

New York-German Tourist Greta Von Haussen expressed outrage last night at a panel sponsored by NYU’s Journalism Department on the changing landscape of theater and theater reviews.

The panel contained a journalist, a blogger, and a performer, and centered around the impact that “citizen journalists” have on theater reviews and people’s appreciation for the arts—a topic the German tourist could not understand.

After asking several inarticulate and irrelevant questions to the humble panelists, Haussen began screaming and demanding that she see an argument.

“Vhere is ze contradiction? I came to see you arkue but it seems like you just vent to be nice to each other,” Haussen said. “I vant to get my money’s vorth. I vant a real debate.”

The panel assembled as a way for prospective graduate students of NYU’s journalism program to get involved with local media, and offered free tickets and refreshments for the sophisticated audience.

“We were just talking about how the online media affects theater reviews,” confused moderator Bill Sarrmon said.

Free Lube Jobs to Help Fight Homophobia

2009-11-17T09:03:00.001-08:00

Starbucks announced yesterday the, get a free lube job with any store purchase to help fight homophobia initiative, after getting on board with a new non-governmental organization (NGO), GayOkay.

American actor, Ben Affleck began the NGO to help bring awareness to the growing homosexual community and provide a springboard for anyone else ‘who wants to give being gay a spin’.

“I am very pleased that Starbucks has agreed to work with me and I guarantee we will see a reduction in homophobia once coffee customers get in line for their free lube jobs,” Affleck told to a crowd of teens outside a Wichita Kansas Starbucks.

For the next few weeks, at Starbucks around the country, gay men will be standing near the condiments section ready to give customers a jolt that no caffeinated beverage will ever provide.

BJ Volunteer, Ed Whites told reporters he is eager to help out in any way and will try his hardest to bring awareness to the hetero community.

“I can hardly contain my excitement at the prospects and if Ben Affleck approves then I know it’s the right thing to do.”

Walmart Offers Gynecological Exams at Check-out Lines

2009-11-09T12:01:00.001-08:00

National - The American chain of discount department stores has announced that along with slashing prices on holiday dinner favorites, televisions and other electronics throughout their stores they will begin offering gynecological exams and last-minute medical care to customers waiting in the checkout lines.

The news comes just days after the store cut prices to help compete with other stores like Kmart and Target, who have drastically reduced prices in preparation for the holiday rush.

“I have to wait down at the welfare office for 3 hours every week, I don’t got time to see a doctor, so I can get a quick check-up when I’m in line to buy my cigarettes and ramen noodles.” Walmart shopper Barbie Petucki said.

Walmart spokesperson Seth McFaden says the exams will be performed by GED holders who are equipped with the basic anatomy skills and street smarts to detect the most elusive STD’s and infections.

“They know what a knife or scalpel looks like, and most of our staff has had to perform at least one abortion on their own already so we’re pretty confident in their abilities.”

Democrats Opt for Government-Run Trick-or-Treating

2009-10-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

Washington-In an effort to make Halloween safer and more fun for children and adults this year, Democrats opt for government-run trick-or-treating.

The festivities will take place in Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Massachusetts, and will cost tax-payers upwards of $2 million to cover costumes, candy and scary decorations.

White House Halloween Czar Martin Glumpker unveiled this morning the ghost, pumpkin or President Obama costumes celebrants can choose from and explained the list of 58,931 rules to representatives in the three states.

“We will have police officers on every corner around neighborhoods to monitor activity and confiscate any suspicious treats and send them to the lab for testing,” Gumpker said. “And if the results on the candy come back negative, we will return it to the child in 3-6 months.”

President Obama is thrilled with his involvement in this year’s holiday and vows to follow the same procedures as everyone else who is walking in a single file line from house to house.

“This year is going to be safe and fun,” President Obama said adjusting his President Obama mask.

U.S. Pay Czar Demands 50 Cents for Vending Machine

2009-10-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Washington-Kenneth Feinberg, the treasury Department’s special master for compensation was spotted in the Capitol building earlier today demanding 50 cents from passers-by so that he could get a snack out of the vending machine.

He feverishly searched under the machine and on the floor before hurling threats at any government official or tourist who would listen.

“I will not work towards lowering total compensation for the 25 highest-paid employees at seven firms receiving large sums of government aid until I have eaten a bag of Fritos,” he said.

Mr. Feinberg was appointed in June 2009 by the Obama Administration to oversee the compensation of top executives at companies which have received federal bailout assistance, and most of his colleagues agree that he is difficult to work with.

“It’s usually around meal times that he gets arrogant and angry,” Vice President Joe Biden said.
Feinberg remained in the hallway stamping his feet and screaming obscenities until a homeless man dropped two dirty coins at his feet.

“He needed it more than me,” homeless man Bob said swatting the flies away from his body.

Once placated by the high sodium and fat content in the packaged food, Feinberg justified his outburst saying, “I will work effortlessly to ensure that a change machine be placed next to vending machines in 500 of the nation’s biggest corporate firms.”

Homeland Security Makes Fashion Top Priority

2009-10-14T11:40:00.001-07:00

New York City - Renowned department store Century 21 is slated to receive a grant of $12m from the Department of Homeland Security in a new initiative called, “cover-your ass security.”

The proposal comes after reports were unveiled suspecting the store of being a breeding ground for terrorists who seek top quality designer fashion at extensive discount prices while desiring to annihilate the very principles this country was founded on.

“We must keep our designer fashions at discount prices safe,” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said showing off his new Armani suit outside of City Hall early this morning. “Our country prides itself on cheap clothes, and we must defend these objects with all our power.”

The “cover-your ass security” initiative involves an extensive network of security cameras, robots, weapons-detectors and clothing purchase profiling.

“We know that most anti-Americans buy pima cotton and fondue pots, so we have to discriminate against anyone who makes that kind of a purchase,” Manager Frank Smarts said. “And because it’s easy to spot a terrorist by the clothes they wear, we will program our terrorist identifying robots to attack and arrest any customer wearing terrorist clothes.”

The Department of Homeland Security is also considering more funding to ensure other American staples like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Burger King, and Seven Eleven remain safe from terrorism.

New Online Dating Site for Sex Offenders

2009-10-08T07:12:00.001-07:00

New York – Rapeume.com is a new website designed specifically for sex offenders around the country to socialize and romanticize among their peers.

The website culls information from state sex-offender registries into profiles that viewers can browse to gauge compatibility with other rapists and pedophiles. The website also offers dating tips on how to have a romantic dinner while on house arrest and what to do when he says no.

New York State registered sex offender Harold Herman developed the site in August to help him cultivate relationships among his peers.

“I’ve never had much luck with romance,” Herman said in a recent interview. “but it makes it easier if everything is consensual.”

The site has accumulated much interest in its nascence, with around 230,000 registered users logging in daily to view profiles or message one another. The more enthusiastic users have augmented the website to include fetish chat rooms and meet-and-greet sessions playfully called gang bangs.

The new website had some law makers questioning the soundness of socialization among the nation’s outcast, but those views are changing as the numbers of rapes and molestations decreases.

In a recent press conference on the matter, New York official Warren McFly said, “As long as we shove them into a dark corner of society with the smokers and alcoholics, I don’t see any problem with it.”

President Ahmadinejad Enters Therapy to Diffuse Aggression, Not WMD’s

2009-10-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

Tehran –Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently began therapy for his anger issues and discovered that his aggressive nature is linked to not having a G.I. Joe action figure in his youth.

Ahmadinejad started therapy after receiving such a negative response from other nations about his actions and demeanor and being told—on countless occasions—to “lighten up,” by cabinet members.

“I not so good with talking to any people, especially the ladies” Ahmadinejad said during an online video conference. “Therapy make me stronger, better man and teach me to accept childhood with no toys.”

A staff of six highly trained psychologists and psychiatrists have been working with the president around the clock to deal with his childhood resentments and regrets, and to prepare him for handling the stressful job of president.

“We are working on his self-esteem issues and are encouraging him to join social networking groups and online dating sites to practice what he is learning.”

Therapy sessions include the use of arts and crafts, dream analysis, and emotional freedom techniques where safety words are employed to ensure against recidivism.

“We are just taking things slow,” Head Psychologist Dr. Glucklie said. “The important thing is to get him talking about his emotions so he does not do something rash, like blow up a country.”

Obama Challenges Cities to Game of Rocks-paper-scissors for 2016 Olympics Bid

2009-09-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

NATIONAL - In an effort to facilitate Friday's vote by the IOC for the prize honor of hosting the 2016 summer Olympics, U.S. President Barack Obama is flying to Copenhagen to challenge representatives from Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo to a democratic game of rocks-paper-scissors.

The White House announcement on Monday that President Barack Obama would fly in to the Danish capital to appear before the International Olympic Committee ready to throw fists in support of Chicago's bid for the Games with was the news the other three candidates least wanted.

“Rocks-paper-scissors is the most democratic game I can think of," Obama said before boarding his plan with famous manicurist, Fiona LaPone. "Just think of how different the world would be if we used this to decide the 2000 election.”

Rock-Paper-Scissors (also known as jan-ken-pon and rochambeau) is a two-person hand game where the players count to three preparing to ‘throw’ their hands into one of three gestures.

“I think a tequila drinking game would be better,” Madrid official Enricho Swalabez said.

Nevertheless, all countries bidding to host the Olympics have been practicing strategies to help them win the best two out of three.

“We will wrap our wrists in rice so there is no spraining, Tokyo official Chen Zi Tsunam said.

President Obama and Kids Panhandle to Assuage Country's Debt

2009-09-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

President Obama and daughter's Sasha and Malia were spotted this morning panhandling on Constitution Ave. NW to generate funds for struggling banks and news organizations around the nation.

Obama and his two daughters wore tattered clothes and wigs and held out tin cans as they huddled together begging for charity from all passers-by. By the time they left the side of the road to break for lunch in their extravagant home, the the family had accumulated 27.00 and a broken button, money the president hopes will assuage the country’s soaring debt.

"I can't offer tax breaks to companies without putting the money where my mouth is," Obama said scratching at the white beard glued to his face. “It’s all about giving money to the people that need it, and if I can't lead this country by example then I have failed as president."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told news sources that "times were tough," and the President was "running out of options for dealing with America's economic crisis.

Teachers and administrators at the Obama girls' prestigious school went to Child Protection Services immediately after the incident to question the validity of the two daughter's being out of school and engaging in an illegal act. While officials are screening the case, Obama remains steadfast on his actions and the impact they have on his daughters' lives.

"They are the next generation, and if they don't know how to get money when the going gets tough, all hope will be lost," he said.

New Bose Headphones Promise Deafening Sound

2009-09-15T08:14:00.001-07:00

National – Privately-held American audio equipment Bose has just announced their new line of headphones that guarantee deafening sound.

The Acoustic Cancelhear headphones come with advanced noise reduction capabilities and guarantee that a listener will go completely deaf within the first five minutes of using the comfortable fitting stylish set.

“It’s a small price to pay to hear the greatest sound of your life,” BOSE engineer Warren gates yelled into the microphone. “Hello, is this thing on?” he looked around quizzically.

The headphones have gone through hundreds of test subjects who approve of the sound quality and agree it is worth the $400.00 price tag.

After sampling the Acoustic Cancelhear headphones, consumer Phil Garrrick had this to say, “What? I can’t hear you?”

President Obama Caught Pushing Political Agenda on Local Pigeons

2009-09-08T13:09:00.001-07:00

President Barack Obama was caught by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs harassing pigeons in the middle of public defecation rituals early Tuesday in the White House garden.

The pigeons, said to be minding their own business, were suddenly frightened by the appearance of Mr. Obama who took the opportunity of a crowd to force-feed his Democratic position.

“I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals and to do everything you can to keep city statues clean and provide food for yourselves,” Obama said loosening his tie.

He went on to exhort the confused pigeons to “get cracking with building their own nests,” and “stop bumming around the streets looking for handouts.”

In response the pigeons rocked their heads two and fro in a mixture of inanity and hunger, and flew off White House grounds when the president attempted to shake their wings.

“Who does he think he is tellin’ us how to do our business?” Good Pigeon Wally the Wing said. “Is he some kind of a tough guy or somepin’? Then he tries to touch my wing? Who knows what diseases those humans are carrying?”

Area pigeons shared their outrage with several conservative organizations accusing Obama of trying to pitch his arguments too aggressively to a minority that has no relevance to human affairs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to start chirping about pigeon rights and once they get their laws in place it will ruin things for myself and every other public urinator out there,” Fox News host Sean Hannity said.

Hurricane Jimena Contracts Swine Flu in Mexico

2009-09-02T12:48:00.001-07:00

Los Cabos – Hurricane Jimena weakened after slamming Mexico’s Baja California peninsula with howling winds and torrential rain on Wednesday, but quickly degenerated when it began suffering from swine flu symptoms including lethargy, burning eye and dizziness.

The dangerous category 4 storm was 65 miles south-southeast of Cabo San Lazaro and moving north-northwest when citizens learned of its medical condition and stepped out of their homes in 105mph winds to leave cans of chicken noodle soup and chamomile tea for the hurricane.

“I tried to take his [Jimena’s] temperature, but he just threw me to the ground,” Los Cabos resident Rafael Carlos Rosadda said. “My uncle’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law had Swine Flu last year, and I would not wish that on any one,”

The Mexican government is trying to treat Jimena’s case of Swine Flu like any other, but thus far has had little success in quarantining the tempest.

“I do not understand why he won’t take our medical advice. It is a very sick and stupid hurricane.” Dr. Angel Cardonnes said.

Michelle Obama Says Healthcare Debate is Ruining her Sex life

2009-08-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Washington - During a recent meeting between President Barack Obama and Congress, First Lady Michelle stormed the stage and grabbed hold of the microphone took hold of the microphone, entreating officials to make a decision so her and the president could focus on personal issues, tertiary to healthcare.

“My husband is completely drained of energy by night time and a lady, even the first lady, has her sexual needs too,” she said before White House security offered her a xanax.

She went on explain the salubrious benefits of sex, and advocated intercourse as a key to fixing healthcare in America.

“I don’t know about you, but I put on my White House teddy and wait for Barack in the oval office, and when he comes in I just want to rip that suit off of him and—“Mrs. Obama began to slur her words as the medication took effect.

A crowd of women gathered at the White House gates along with their reluctant partners, to listen to the speech over TV monitors on the lawn.

“Umhum girlfriend,” DC resident Daria Thompson said smacking her husband’s on the shoulder.

When asked about his wife’s outburst and the low libido allegations, President Obama had this to say, “Well, you know what they say about black men.”

Air Force Holds Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber

2009-08-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

Washington - The United States Air Force held a bake sale outside the Pentagon yesterday to raise money to purchase a long sought-after B-1 Lancer bomber.

From 10am to 3PM, a squadron of officers sold chocolate chip cookies, apple pies, snicker doodles, and ‘fudge packer’ cupcakes (a specialty of Second Lieutenant Gaspecks) at reasonable prices from the side of the road.

“I beat those eggs just like I’m going to beat those Iraqi’s,” Airman Roy Chimiko said of cooking preparations. “And I’ll defend, and protect my snicker doodles anywhere, at anytime,” he finished with a salute.

Sales on the baked goods remained steady throughout the morning until neighborhood kids set up their lemonade stand across the street and began stealing customers who preferred a cool beverage on the hot summer day. Sales on the Air Force’s baked goods resumed, however after Corporal Buddy Holmes threatened the 8-year olds with a M120 120 mm mortar.

“We had to apply our mission in the armed services to this bake sale and dominate enemy operations in all dimensions,” Holmes said. “Bake, fight, win.”

Profits from the bake sale topped off at $58.03, a mere 1/9689th of the price of their prized bomber, forcing the men to take further action. Next weekend the Air Force will hold a raffle and talent show where Second Lieutenant Gaspecks will woo the crowd with his gun swallowing.

Other fundraising ideas include a car wash, Tupperware parties, and Bingo.

Satan Announces New Hellcare Plan

2009-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hell - Satan and his army of demons finalized a plan on Wednesday meant to make it easier for the dead to be forced into excruciating medical procedures and be exposed to noxious medicines and gases while undergoing treatment in the underworld.

The regulations spell out more clearly which experimental medicines are legal for demons to use on the dead and clarifies obligatory payments that most residents of Hell lack.

“I want to ensure that souls are as miserable as possible as they are burning for all eternity,” the devil announced in a statement broadcasted to Earth’s surface. “We are working on creating Hellcare cards to ensure that people do not get the coverage they need, but the torture we think they deserve.”

Recently Hellcare providers have been springing up throughout the underworld to provide the dead with an infinite amount of pain and suffering at soaring prices with seemingly no end to the horror.

In the town of Burn, residents gathered in the sea of snakes and piranhas to hear the news.
“Ahh, it hurts. The pain, the pain,” resident Dominique Flarten said.

Once news of the underworld reached the surface of the world, humans from across the globe began picketing and demanding similar guarantees and reform from their officials.

Georgetown University Sociology major Teddy Buckington organized a rally outside of the White House, lauding Satan's efforts and demanding that Americans be given healthcare as good as Hell's.

“Hellcare is all we have to live for anymore,” Buckington said.

Bill Clinton Teaches Kim Jong-Il Yoga during Recent Visit

2009-08-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Pyongyang - During a recent visit to North Korea where Clinton tried to win freedom for two jailed American journalists, the former U.S. President showed Jong-Il the healing power of yoga.

Upon first seeing the leader, Clinton said he looked ‘stressed out’ and ‘needed to loosen up’ and offered to teach him some basic yoga techniques in a back room of his palace.

“You have to free yourself before you can help anyone else,” Clinton said from a down dog position in a spandex jumper.

Kim Jong-Il, whose health has recently been in decline, expressed thanks to Clinton for helping him engage in a more salubrious lifestyle involving meditation and flexible postures. However, the ailing leader’s views on nuclear proliferation and American ties remain rigid.

After a guided five-minute meditation, Jong-Il declined to comment on the purpose of Clinton’s trip and only had this to say, “Our nucwear weapons weew kiw Amewican yoga pweepwe.”

Funding Sought for U.S. Panty Raid

2009-07-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

Washington – The U.S. government is currently seeking funding for its new Panty Raid Program, which will allow consumers to trade-in their used panties, jock straps and brassieres for more green undergarments.

Department stores began offering government-backed rebates last week of up to $30.00 to consumers who trade-in their padded bras and extra-hard jock straps for more natural underclothes.

“We will take your old, your poor and your soiled underwear,” one store window sign read.

This follows with President Barack Obama’s environmentally conscious administration, that says companies like Fruit of the Loom and Victoria’s Secret are being wasteful with the planet’s resources for cotton and other natural fibers.

“I won’t stop until everyone is stripped of excess undergarments,” President Obama said to a crowd of young women who waved their bras in the air. “If we can fit three people into one pair of underwear, then I know I am doing my job right.”

Members of nudist colonies across the nation have lined up to demand recognition for their environmentally friendly ways and tax breaks on heating costs in the wintertime.

“It’s a natural lifestyle, but it gets damn cold in the wintertime,” Nudist chuck Norise said.

U.S. Condemns Soldiers for not Using Hanky

2009-07-21T08:00:00.001-07:00

KABUL- The U.S. military denounced on Tuesday American soldiers stationed throughout Afghanistan for not properly concealing their germs after they sneeze.

The information on regiments’ lack of hygiene oozed out after dozens of infantries fell sick en route to attack a small town, but were instead bed-ridden. The cold strain also spread to opposing soldiers and civilians in the towns of Balkh and Dey-E-Bagh.

"This is a real problem.” Col. Sanders said folding red, white, and blue handkerchiefs, “Innocent people are getting sick and dying from our germs and that’s not the way to fight a war.”

The U.S. military has begun taking measures to enforce new safety codes in all their battalions offering soldiers hand sanitizer and boxes of tissues and posting signs around the barracks, with friendly reminders like, wipe your nose before you touch a gun.

Feeling sorry for disrupting a war by spreading their germs, several ailing U.S. soldiers shipped attached gift baskets filled with chicken soup, Kleenex boxes and herbal tea to terrorist groups stationed in Afghanistan.

“We’ve got a war to fight out there, and if both sides are sick as dogs, we’re not doing our jobs right.”

New York Doormen Still Waiting For Sidewalk to Grow

2009-07-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

New York City door attendants, notorious for hosing down sidewalks in the early morning hours, are fed up that their concrete has not grown, and announced an initiative to promote sidewalk proliferation.

“Concrete America,” had their first meeting last night on the city’s Upper West Side, where doormen and maintenance workers shared their experience being amateur ‘white thumbs’ and spoke of their hopes for the future.

“I see a world with concrete as far as the eye can see, that grows out of the ground like vegetables, where little kids can roll around on it and play,” sidewalk hoser Sam Redkin said from the podium.

The doormen concluded that they would achieve their goals by following in the footsteps of the green initiative and offering seminars on where concrete came from as well as tips on how to maintain a healthy sidewalk. Some even spoke of opening a store that sells sidewalk production tools, like sidewalk buffers and mowers, hoes, rakes and cement mixtures and food.

“Someday, I’m going to mow this sidewalk,” 224 W. 90th doorman, Larry Mack said, scraping his hand along the rough surface.

Lone Tree Responsible for Three-Car Pile-Up

2009-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Tempeh – A twelve-foot Chorisia insignis tree along interstate 40 in Arizona is being charged with murder after causing a three-car pile-up that left four dead and three others injured.

All of the victims were good friends, returning home from a peyote party in the desert when someone in the first car realized they were heading for a tree. Most assumed what they saw was a hallucination, but reality was confirmed after it was too late.

“It was a total buzz kill,” Wendy Sparks spoke through her ventilator. “I was paying attention to the dancing teeth in the waves, then wham—“

Lawyers are currently trying to work out the details of the case before going to court, but there is speculation suggesting any money they can claim for their injuries will come from the malicious tree.

“What is this world coming to when a mother has to be afraid of her kids getting injured by a tree,” Mary-Lou Pact, mother of one of the deceased teenagers said.

For now, the remaining survivors have been spotted congregating in hospital rooms to mourn the loss of their friends and share a ‘fat spliff’.

“If it’s one thing I learned from this whole incident, it’s to never try to change the radio station when you’re driving,” driver Tom Phills said.

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin Enrolls in Taxidermy Course at Community College

2009-07-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

Anchorage- Just one week after resigning as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced on national TV that she is enrolling in taxidermy courses at the local community college.

In the middle of an interview with CBS anchor Marty McFly, Palin blurted out the news in response to a question about her professional relationship with John McCain.

“The forest animals won’t judge me the way humans do,” she said, pulling up her hot pink fatigues. “And now I can be close to my family and close to my gun.”

For a public life marred with non-sequiturs, it was no surprise that anything out of the hockey mom’s mouth would lead to confusion and unanswered questions among her circle of supporters and critics.

Anchorage Community College says they are happy to have the ex-governor as part of their student body and will do anything in their power to make the mother of five (possibly 6) comfortable.

“There really is no Taxidermy School on our campus,” ACC Dean Martha Gombalt said. “But we Alaskans feel she [Ms. Palin] should be supervised with a gun while having the opportunity to hone her ‘special’ skills.”

School administrators have also agreed to charge Ms. Palin twice the normal tuition rate as collateral in case she decides to quit before completion of her degree.

Tourist Admits to Not Wearing Flip Flops in Pool Area

2009-06-25T11:15:00.001-07:00

Los Angeles – Gretta Ahmen, a tourist staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, tearfully admitted on Wednesday she had been walking around the hotel’s luxurious pool area without the required footwear.

The announcement came in the middle of a poolside party with such notable celebrities as Kate Hudson and Matt Damon, when Ms. Ahmen coerced the DJ to turn off the techno music and grabbed hold of the microphone.

“I am sorry for not wearing my flip flops by the pool,” she said to the confused crowd. “I cannot fiend ignorance for this infraction of the rules. I am responsible for my poor judgment and will do anything in my power to make this right.”

Before Ms. Ahmen was escorted out of the VIP section by security, she agreed to pay extra on her nightly fee and offered to help the cleaning staff the next time they were scheduled to clean the pool area.

“We are impressed that someone would to admit to something so stupid,” hotel manager, Greg Pitekas said. “The pool rules are clearly posted on one of the rafters, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Top Business Schools Teach Students Proper Bathroom Etiquette

2009-06-23T07:06:00.001-07:00

National – Corporate complaints have recently spawned a high demand for courses on proper bathroom protocol at top business schools around the country.

Starting in Fall 09, The University of Chicago Booth, NYU Stern, and Stanford University will offer courses on how to properly flush toilets, how to decipher a garbage can from a sink, and what to do when the paper runs out, to give their business school students a leg up on life in corporate America.

Northwestern University Dean Gary Hanns came up with the idea for these mandatory courses after several complaints about interns at high profile corporations.

“Everyone gets so caught up in doing a good job that they forget how to do basic things like flush a toilet,” Hanns said. “This new protocol will only make our graduates stronger, able to face any stubborn toilet around the world.”

Although the new curriculum has not been completely “ironed out”, experts are specifically tailoring lessons with algorithms and catchy tunes for business-minded students.

“With these new skills I can flush my fears down the drain,” Warren Gates, who is matriculating into Stern in the fall said.

Clinton Threatens to Break More Bones if U.S. Does Not Implement Universal Health Care Plan

2009-06-18T12:30:00.001-07:00

Washington- Hours after U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow on Wednesday she vowed to break more bones if the government does not implement her long sought after universal health care plan in the next few months.

Clinton was said to have been administered heavy sedatives just minutes before she began yelling expletives and ranting about what this country needs and how she is going to give it to them.

“This is only the beginning of what I am capable of doing,” Clinton spoke from outside The George Washington University Hospital just after she gave her ultimatum to the country. “I have grown in a deep and profound way,” she said in reference to the first grade morphine her health care plan covered.

The remainder of Clinton’s speech was inaudible due to further injections of sedatives on her request and she was said to have finally calmed down once home.

Republicans were quick to respond, claiming that Clinton’s efforts remain futile and only further their stance on why universal coverage is a bad idea.

“Women are so fickle and they always have to go the doctor’s to deal with their cycles and everything, so why should we have to pay for that?” Representative Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) said.

Town Welcomes Friendly Fire

2009-06-15T08:35:00.001-07:00

Montana -The people of Great Falls gathered near the Rocky Mountains yesterday, welcoming a friendly fire as it blazed through acres of wilderness.

Firefighters and park workers arrived promptly on the scene, but refused to ‘put out something so nice.’ Instead, they joined forces with the townspeople who made cards and gift baskets for the enthusiastic blaze.

“The fire was just so cute so we wanted to express our gratitude with glitter pens and chocolates,” firefighter Dan Aberman said.

The fire continued traveling north during the early morning hours, obliterating trees, cabins and indigenous species, until it reached Alberta, Canada. Once on Canadian soil, officials from both countries commenced talks to determine the nationality of the fire, visa requirements, and so forth.

Great Falls Mayor, Bill Finniligluck vowed to get the fire back to American soil so it could bring further warm joy to the town.

“The Canadians wouldn’t know what to do with a friendly fire if it bit them in the ass,” Finniligluck said at a town hall that evening.

The locals remained near the Rocky Mountains well into this morning, saying their goodbyes and offering the fire a place to stay if it ever planned on returning.

“It’s hard to let something so nice just blaze out of our lives like that,” resident Bethany Kad choked out between sobs.

Officials Say City Buildings Are ‘Stressed Out’

2009-06-10T08:20:00.001-07:00

New York- After performing official ‘stress tests’ on banking institutes and other long-standing buildings in the city, officials have determined that, much like their human counterparts, buildings in New York City are suffering from anxiety and tension.

The news comes on the heels of a recession that has seen massive building closures and construction halts, leaving centuries-old buildings feeling lonely and worthless.

“Feelings of depression are more concrete for establishments, and can only be broken down when we start to build relationships with them,” High-rise Hypnotist Larry Flindster said at a book signing for his newly released publication, Cry Building Cry.

Flindster is a frontrunner in a new line of therapy available to assist condominiums, brownstones, and low-rises in finding purpose to their lives through communication techniques and topical drugs.

President Barack Obama vowed to take this issue to a head, by spending part of the $768 billion bailout money to ensure that abandoned buildings be put to good use.

“We can’t be picky during these tough times,” Obama said during a press conference outside the White House, “and I encourage squatters, prostitutes and crack heads to give these lonely buildings something to live for.”

Pope Surrenders Holy Water at Airport Security

2009-06-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI was in hot water yesterday when he tried to get through security at Leonardo da Vinci-Fiumicino Airport with a bottle of holy water.

Security guard Reggie Smith took the bottle out of the pope’s bag and tossed it in the garbage can with various other plastics bottles containing liquid. The pope then accused Mr. Smith of being the devil and an argument ensued, delaying passengers’ movement through the gate.

“If I give him special treatment I’m going to have to give it to everyone else,” Mr. Smith said in defense. “It’s my neck if I let one liquid get through there.”

Other travelers agreed with the airport employee’s reaction and some even questioned the identity of God’s chosen leader of the Catholic Church.

“I’ve seen terrorist’s in better disguises than that,” American Airlines passenger Abu Da Lika said. “I was also a bit suspicious about his staff; that cross could really poke someone’s eye out.”

The irate Pope continued to his departure gate once security confirmed his identification, but he was unable to reclaim the blessed water.

Reporters caught up with his holiness at his connecting flight in Amsterdam, where he had this to say: Go to hell.

Job Cuts Force Newspapers to Recycle Articles

2009-05-28T09:55:00.001-07:00

New York – Rampant job cuts in the newspapers industry have forced short-staffed editors to recycle old news, combining unfinished stories about the Obama Administration or Terrorism with articles from Theodore Roosevelt’s presidency or civil rights movements in the 60’s.

“I’ll admit it’s confusing at first,” Metro editor-in-chief Ralph Luckenlu said. “But we have to get papers out on the street and we don’t have time to follow up on stories and get better coverage of issues, so we just throw it together, or make it up like FOX news.”

The change in newspaper format has brought confusion to the masses that wake up fearing that a war is still being fought or question if Elvis is dead. Several Holocaust survivors were hospitalized when they read that Nazi Germany was advancing into Iran with nuclear weapons, and retired vaudevillians got ready for show time when they mistook the social networking site, Facebook for a New York stage.

“When I was a kid, newspapers only cost a nickel,” confused Washington Post reader Bernard Williams said.

Pope Teaches African Kids How to Turn Condoms Into Balloon Animals

2009-05-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

Lagos-During a recent visit to Nigeria, Pope Benedict XVI instructed kids between the ages of 6 and 16 on how to turn condoms into balloon animals.

The children spent hours in the sweltering heat, blowing up latex condoms with spermicide or lubrication into ducks, dogs and giraffes, and were grateful for the fun and engaging lesson.

“This was not as boring as an instructional video or the regular sex ed. classes Americans have to take,” 7-year old Niki Tiki Gha told reporters.

The pope also prayed for a respite from poverty and disease in Africa during his visit. He said that once the country became peaceful, they can focus on maintaining an adequate supply of condoms to keep children entertained with balloon animal creations.

“STD’s and unwanted pregnancies are just as much baloney as the Holocaust,” the Pope said. “So I would rather spend time teaching kids to have fun, just like Jesus Christ did before he was hung on the cross.”

Statue of Liberty Threatens to Step Down Over 'Hairy' Matter

2009-05-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

New York – The Statue of Liberty whose crown is scheduled to reopen July 4, threatens to quit her job if she does not get a new hairstyle before the commemorative day.

Since her crown was closed to the public on September 11, 2001, maintenance workers have tarnished Lady Liberty’s nose and robe and made improvements to her expanding waste line, leaving the ‘mop of hair’ atop her head untouched.

“My client can see all the latest hairstyles on New Yorkers, and she is left with a raggedy style from the 18th century,” the statue’s lawyer Ariana Funkle said.

First Lady Michelle Obama immediately responded, saying that despite not being made of steel, she can relate to the statue.

“Girl, my stylist needs to come out there and give some volume or a retro fro,” she told the statue during a press conference earlier today.

Since the news broke, stylists around the world are lining up with suggestions in the hopes they will be the one chosen to do this historic work.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has even offered to send top stylists from Vidal Sassoon to America to do the job, saying that France’s gift to America ‘should never go out of style.’

“I would offer her a bottle of wine or espresso, but I do not think a statue can move her arms.” Sarkozy said.

Penguin Community Demands Acknowledgment for Next Flu Strain

2009-05-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Antarctica-Hearing word of the recent publicity pigs have received over the Swine Flu epidemic, the penguin community came out in force, demanding to be the spokes models for the next flu strain that devastates humans.

The flightless birds claim pigs are taking the attention away from them and their melting habitats—similar to the attention cows received during the Mad Cow outbreak of 95--and they will not stand to be outshined by another animal.

“We are one of the cutest species in the world,” Snowflake the penguin said flapping his wings. “So why shouldn’t we be the models for a fatal disease?”

The penguins remained on the ice until well into the evening, complaining about other species like dogs, fish and humans, which are being recognized for diseases like ringworm, salmonella, and AIDS.

“My fellow penguins, we are not just wintertime accessories,” Snowflake squawked. “It is time we show the world that we are made of more than blubber.”

For their part, the penguins are working hard to contaminate the oceans, introduce toxins to the fish they encounter underwater, and help the ice caps melt, to further their goal of global recognition.

During a recent press conference about the matter, San Diego Zoo biologist, Burt Davis concluded, “These really aren't the smartest animals out there.”

Model Appalled to Find His Image on Cover of Gay Men's Magazine

2009-05-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

San Francisco, CA - Twenty seven year old Stephan Drakore received a shock yesterday when he saw his image on the cover of the gay men's magazine, OUT while purchasing mineral water at a neighborhood grocery store.

The young model scrambled to get all magazines from the store shelf, but not before his father viewed the raunchy cover, where Drakore flexes on all fours on a bear rug wearing only a pair of underwear and scantily dressed men sip cocktails in a hot tub behind him.

Stephan’s father, Police Sergeant Lou Drakore, fell off the toilet and came to unable to explain what had happened or how he had even acquired a copy of the magazine.

“Someone must have slipped it under the door as a joke,” Sgt. Drakore said. “I just don’t know how it got here.”

These recent events have caused a stir in San Francisco’s gay community who are confident of the father and son’s hidden sexualities and have been encouraging the two men to ‘come out.’

"I told my father the same thing I am telling everyone else, 'I don't know how that photo got there, and thought I was modeling for another Calvin Klein ad'."

A phone call to Calvin Klein revealed they had never before signed Drakore for a shoot and were unsure of the confusion.

Obama Extends Unemployment Benefits to Robots

2009-04-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Washington - In a recent rally at a Washington area Walmart, President Barack Obama reassured America’s robotics community of not being shut off from unemployment benefits.

The American robotics population has seen massive cuts in all sectors due to manufacturer’s shutting down and employers unable to cover steep electricity bills.

"We will not leave the robot community behind,” Obama said to the self-checkout lines, and various electronic gadgets at the front of the store that have been contending with human beings for jobs since before the recession began. “And we will spread the wealth of jobs equally among humans and machines.”

Obama hopes to spur the growth of machines by investing part of the $210 billion to create jobs to robots that can power windmills, build cars, calculate budgets, cook food and fight wars.

When asked about its reassurance that the new president will take care of it, one robot said, "Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order"

Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day Overshadows Holocaust Remembrance

2009-04-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

New York - Survivors of the Holocaust gathered at the Museum of Jewish Heritage in Lower Manhattan this morning to share their experiences in honor of Yom HaShoah, when one of the survivors got word of Ben and Jerry’s Free Cone Day and started a commotion that terminated the opening ceremony.

Elders reportedly scrambled for their walkers and canes, disregarding survivor Gilbert Friedman’s touching speech, and knocking over burning remembrance candles to flock to the nearest ice cream store for the free treat.

“At first we thought the man who yelled out about the ice cream was having a senile outburst,” museum curator Dorothy Weathers said. “We called security to restrain him for his own protection and the protection of others.”

The seniors rushed the security guards biting and kicking their way out of the museum and aimlessly wandered the street in search of the frozen treat.

“I have never seen them move so fast,” Nurse Walkman of Shady Acres retirement home said. “But the only thing Jews like more than free stuff is ice cream, so I was not too surprised by their excitement.”

When the Knesset, (Israel’s parliament) got word of the happenings in America, officials vowed to establish an ice cream eating ritual on Yom HaShoah to ease survivor’s weary minds.

Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin summed up the new edict in these words: “Ice cream may be the only thing these survivors have left.”

Global Seed Vault in Norway Adds Marijuana to the Mix

2009-04-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Longyearbyen - Norway’s seed vault, built to protect millions of food crops from being wiped out in wars or natural disasters, recently became home to 100,000 marijuana seeds.

The announcement came on the morning of April 20—the unofficial day of celebration for marijuana fans—to reassure stoners across the globe that a supply of wacky tobacky will see them through nuclear wars, genocides and fierce earthquakes and floods.

“We just got to chill out during the tough times,” Norway’s Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said during a press conference held at 4:20.

Considered the frozen ‘Garden of Eden,’ the global seed vault contains more than 1.5 million sample packages of crop seeds from carrots to wheat, and was not expected to carry a supply of cannabis until pot-smoking experts band together to show it’s necessity to the world.

“We have to get the munchies before we can eat fruits and vegetables, so we need the marijuana to give us the munchies, or our food supply won’t mean anything,” the former editor of High Times Steven Hager said with a mouthful of week-old half-baked brownies.

The signs of acceptance of these potent buds are everywhere, from statehouses—where more than half the world’s government officials have thrown down policy practice in favor of smoking a fat spliff—to schoolyards where children of all ages find confidence and recreation in the herbal medicine.

Government Officials Bicker Over Acronyms for Newest Programs

2009-04-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Washington - White House talks over the future of America lasted well into the evening yesterday, while country officials bickered over appropriate acronyms for new government-funded programs.

Staff members tossed around ideas for programs to make college more affordable for the middle class, with names like Cash Handed for Education and Progress (CHEAP), and Degenerate Unless Money Beg (DUMB), as well as names for health care reform including Dosage Instantaneous Ecstasy (DIE) and Offering Up Cheap Help (OUCH).

“This is one of the toughest parts about the job,” President Obama said in an e-mail sent from his Blackberry.

Around two this morning, officials reportedly raided the Obama’s game closet in the hopes of finding inspirational acronyms in Boggle and Scrabble, and called it a night around four.

"In the end we decided it would be best to employ linguists to head up our newest program: Creating Relevant Acronyms for Politicians (CRAP).” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced.

Geithner Says Treasure Map Will Lead U.S. Out of Recession

2009-04-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Washington - U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner laid out a treasure map found in a Captain Crunch cereal box Tuesday, which he claims will lead the U.S. to lost pirate treasure and out of the current recession.

Geithner says he came across the map while pouring himself a bowl of cereal earlier today, which he unfolded during a meeting of congressional leaders earlier today.

According to financial leaders, the map has routes around an undisclosed island off the coast of California that lead to a spot marked 'X,' where Geithner believes the hidden treasure is located.

"Being treasury secretary is a lot like being the captain of a ship," Geithner said in a recent press conference. "I'm just leading my men to the booty."

Top U.S. officials have already scoured beaches along the West coast of the U.S. with metal detectors in search of more of what has been deemed 'our last hope for boosting the economy,’ and are awaiting further instructions to pursue what is on the treasure map.

"This isn't anything crazy," Geithner explained during the meeting. "We of the Treasury Department should be looking for treasure anyway."

Geithner has been taking orders from President Obama on how to proceed.

The new plan would create jobs on the high seas for at least 500 out of work pirates, a step President Obama says will only help our chances of success.

"We have a long rode ahead, filled with boat trips and walks through the beaches.” Obama said to his fellow buccaneers in the White House. “Now I am asking every American to put on his or her pirate patch and join me. Arr."

Bomb-sniffing Dog Plays Deadly April Fools Joke on Police

2009-04-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. - Police officers Rick Warren and Diego Sanchez lost their lives late last night as a result of a bomb-sniffing dog’s deadly April Fools joke.

The officers were investigating a bomb scare called into the D.C. station around 11:30 PM and instructed Hank—the department’s bomb-sniffing dog for nearly 10 years— to sniff the perimeter in the hopes of finding something. When Hank returned to the officers without giving a warning signal, they believed it was safe to enter the building.

“I was standing across the street, ready to call back up when my men entered the building,” Officer Nightingale said during a news conference. “There was a funny look on that dog’s face and I knew something was up, but it was too late.”

Bomb-sniffing dogs are "passive response" workers, trained to immediately sit and wait for a reward if the smell an explosive. Hank reportedly returned from investigating the building and was more interested in playing fetch with the officers than anything else.

“You know, it’s funny when the dog pretends to go pee-pee on the carpet on April Fools Day, but this is going too far,” Police Chief Rectum in a news conference.

Authorities are contacting local pet mind reading agencies to research the cause of the incident, as well as tap continue to trace the bomb-threat phone call.

“We think that the dog was in cahoots with the phone-caller to play this deadly prank,” Police Chief Rectum told reporters. “As for Hankie, we’re going to have to put him to sleep to teach him a lesson.”

Woman Predicts the Return of Flapper Dresses Seconds Before Death

2009-03-29T13:32:00.001-07:00

Little Rock, AK – Just seconds before passing away late last night in General Hospital, renowned psychic Ivanaka Spiglioni (79) gave her final prediction to the world: the return of flapper dressers.

Spiglioni was surrounded by family and friends in the hospital room when she made the prediction despite her frail state.

“At first I thought she was telling her cousin Herbert to get off the cord to her life support, but it didn’t really sound like that,” Spiglioni’s brother Rick said. “My sister said she was making a prediction so we all leaned in real close to hear her good.”

Spiglioni led a humble life in Arkansas, telling fortunes from an outhouse that had been used by her family for many generations. She was known throughout the town for her ability to warn people of food poisoning at IHOP, rainstorms, and premenstrual women.

“We will have a funeral service for her by the barn,” her sister Charlotte said. “She will be missed by her family, although it will be easier to use the bathroom.”

$165 Million Banquet for AIG Recipient’s who Returned Bonus Money

2009-03-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

Washington - Fifteen of 20 American International Group leading bonus recipients who agreed to give back their bonuses in full were recognized by President Obama Tuesday night with a banquet that cost nearly $165 million.

The banquet was held at the lavish Willard Hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, where a wait staff of 100 lavished humble AIG employees with the finest meat, cheese, and champagne in the world.

“These men are examples of the kind of giving that needs to take place more often in this country, and I laud their attempts and want to do my part to give back,” President Obama said, presenting the fifteen men with gold plaques estimating $10 thousand each.

Their courage and cooperation had the men partying well into the morning hours dancing in the ballroom and smoking some of the world’s finest cigars in the hotel lounge.

“This is far better than anything I could have dreamed of doing with the money,” AIG employee Warren Dykamore said.

Another recipient of the plaque stated, “It is too heavy to hang on the wall of the tent I now live in, but I will keep it close to my heart.”

Money Anonymous Group Forms In Hamptons

2009-03-12T08:05:00.001-07:00

New York - In a time that looks down on those who have money in the bank, affluent citizens are buying their way into an anonymous program where they can flaunt their cash and discuss luxury problems in a non-judgmental environment.

Money Anonymous was formed at the prominent Maidstone Club of East Hampton by Pearson P., who claims the rich and famous are suffering just as much as the people in the poor house.

“I wanted to develop a place where people could unburden themselves from leading prestigious, wealthy lifestyles,” Pearson P. said. “True that we are better than most, but we should not be forced to suffer for that.”

Money Anonymous is a group with close to 300 members since their beginning in December 2008. Group members gather weekly to complain about hired help and valet parking, or dealing with the pressures of shopping at Gucci and Dior every weekend. The group is self-supporting so they pass an alligator-skin basket around during each meeting to pay for expenses like authentic Corsican tea, foie gras, French chocolates, Majesty’s Reserve cigars and whatever else group members’ desire.

"The hope is that people will feel comfortable with who they are," Pearson said.

When asked about the extravagance of the group while the majority of Americans are struggling and losing jobs, member Paris H. had this to say: "Poor people need to know that we have feelings too."

Secretary Amazed at the Lack of Attendance During Company's Mandatory Fire Drill

2009-03-09T12:28:00.001-07:00

New York-Grace Hall, legal secretary at Lou, Schult, and Ham LLP. was amazed last Thursday afternoon when she arrived at the fifth floor emergency stairwell during a routine fire drill and noticed the absence of several colleagues.

"One of the admins is pregnant, and she didn't even show up," Hall said in a recent interview. "Now she doesn't know what to do in case of an emergency, so I think she should just be left to burn."

Hall went on to express her dismay at the manager’s lack of interest when she recounted the story to him. “I don’t even think he [manager] showed up for the fire drill either. I went and left a perfectly cup of coffee at my desk.”

In accordance with New York City Fire Department regulations, companies must conduct fire drills and Emergency Evacuation Procedures each quarter, informing employees of emergency stairwell locations and check-in points. Prior to each drill, all employees are given instructions via e-mail or letter from their employer, and are asked to comply when the bell sounds.

“We strongly suggest that all employees follow instructions during emergency drills, but we can not guarantee that everyone will show up,” Manager Grennegs Ham said. “This is a business, not a daycare center.”

Fashion Icons Unveil Summer Poor Look at Paris Show

2009-03-02T08:25:00.001-08:00

Paris-Calvin Klein and Louis Vuitton stunk up the runway last Saturday night with their 2009 summer bum collection.

Models adorned in dirty, loose fitting trousers and hole-ridden flannel shirts strutted their stuff down the trash-laden catwalk. The new looks were formulated with the idea of the simple, economically friendly shopper in mind.

“We want to show the people that we can understand their hardships,” designer Jean-Paul Gaultier said adjusting the diamond ring on his finger, “And we will all look poor and fabulous together.”

Although the clothes reek of booze and urine, the pristine price tag stinks of riches.
The going price for jewelry made of shoestring and tin cans starts at $3000.

It’s all about accessorizing this summer and letting people see and smell your hardships,” Coco Chanel said, spraying her new perfume Rotten into the air.

Barack Obama to Rename Presidential Address, Fun House

2009-02-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Washington-In steps to make the White House feel more like a home for him and his family, Barack Obama plans to repaint the outside walls a dark magenta with forest green stripes and rename the building, the Fun House.

Obama and his special team of interior decorators will also be transforming the East Room into a disco lounge and adding a hookah bar inside the Cabinet Room.

“I want the fly honey suite in the West Wing, in case I just need a breather after an intense meeting with world leaders,” Obama said, offering a wink to the news camera.

Sources close to the family say these measures will help bring out the family’s fresh spirit and help to modernize American politics.

The redecorating will cost an estimated $1.5 million and is expected to be finished by early 2010.
When asked his thoughts on the matter, White House spokesperson Evan Griffith said: “We’re still not sure of the president’s level of authority in this particular matter, but we certainly want the Obama’s to be comfortable in their new home at whatever cost.”

Congress Passes Gas

2009-02-13T08:55:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress on Friday was expected to pass gas aimed at renewing hope and humor to the otherwise 'gloom and doom' outlook in America.

Quick approval of the uncontrollable bodily function would relieve gastric indigestion and help regulate country officials. There is also speculation that the measure would give President Obama an even higher rating among classmates of his daughters Malia Ann and Natasha.

"If we can't laugh about flatulence, this country has far more problems than I expected before taking this job,” President Obama wrote in an e-mail to cabinet members.

The president has urged the Democratic-controlled Congress to fill up on beans, tofu and carbonated beverages before the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, so he can push this idea into law.

The House of Representatives was preparing to vote by midday and the Senate was expected to follow in the early evening, but there was still no final agreement between Senate Democratic and Republican leaders to do so.

When asked her opinion on the president’s new measure, Republican Congresswoman Kathy McMorris Rodgers said, "It is common knowledge that ladies do not fart."

Warmer Seas Broiling Ready-to-Eat Fish

2009-02-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Earth's oceans have become so warm as a result of global climate change that ready-to-eat fish are washing ashore.

Spontaneous fish fry's began early last month on Hollywood Beach in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when a group of surfer's noticed the scrumptuos pieces of fish washing ashore.

"At first I thought the alcohol was making me hallucinate," Don Frapse said with a cackle. "But it was a freakin' fish fry."

Frapse and his friends confirmed that the fish are either fried or broiled and sometimes come ashore with a seaweed salad.

"This is the best fish I have ever tasted," Hoolywood beach lifeguard Sandy Waifer said.Since then, Spontaneous fish fry's have taken place at beaches in Australia, California, and Brazil, serving up delicious seafood like cod, swordfish and even lobster tails.

"Mother nature's one crazy bitch," Evan Alms offered as an explanation for the dismembered and fried lobster tails.

Experts are researching Nature's laltest mystery, and the FDA is advising everyone to approach the ready-to-eat fish with caution.

When asked about the potential danger of these fried fish, Don Frapse had this to say: "Hell, I say approach 'em with some lemon wedges and cocktail sauce."

Government to Spend 5 Billion Teaching Homeless How Best to Use a Dollar

2009-02-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

Washington-First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the Teaching Across Dumpsters Program (TAD) Monday to help educate the homeless on positive spending habits.

The 6-week course will take place outside of dumpsters across America, where panelists will lecture on the history and purpose of money, followed by interactive hypotheticals with the students.

"By showing students the difference between a flask of whiskey and a McDonald’s burger, we can show them that we really need them to help the economy too," Mrs. Obama said to a crowd on the steps of the Library of Congress.

Five billion dollars worth of taxpayers money will fund TAD professors and be used to give five tax free dollars to each homeless person who successfully completes the course.

Past administrations have tried to address the country's homeless problem by opening up soup kitchens and homeless shelters, but critics agree those steps have only watered down the real issue of homelessness in this country.

“For the first time in history, someone is actually doing something proactive about the homeless," Harvard Economist Dwight Dewinstein said. “TAD is a way to give the homeless a little pull.”

2009 Trend: African Babies Hotter than iPhone

2009-01-27T11:49:00.000-08:00

National -Adopting an infant from Niger or Zimbabwe is no longer a luxury only for icons like Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and according to online polls will be the hottest trend for 2009.

Former Manager of Wired magazine Warren Gumpster signed up for his first African baby after noticing the slow-down in electronic gadgets for sale on the market.

“There was nothing left for me to buy, so I decided to get an African baby,” Gumpster said. “And it’s a lot better than any gadget out there because I don’t have to upload it everyday, and I can leave the baby at home if I want to, unlike my iPhone.”

Ordering an African baby is a simple process of sifting through baby pictures, mailing in basic paperwork and waiting for the child to arrive via FedEx within two weeks.

Statistics also show that owning a child from Africa can immediately elevate a persons social standing in the community by showing that the adopted parent is trendy and in touch with reality.

Elizabeth Dawkins is currently waiting for her African infant that she purchased after reading online reviews of the product.

“It costs far less to own an African baby than it does to get the new iPhone, and it is not as much of a time consumer.”

Due to the growing demand, websites like Blackbaby and iBaby have sprung up on the Internet, with operators available around the clock to take orders for an African child.

Mother Regrets Not Finding Heroin in Son's Bedroom

2009-01-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

After assembling family members and friends for an intervention in her home Tuesday evening, Diana Rempleton was amazed to not find any heroin in her son Jake's bedroom.

The group assembled at the home around seven in the evening and watched in awe as the 17 year olds room was ransacked in search of traces of the illegal substance. When the young man returned home from choir practice at 8:30, family members searched for needle marks on his arms and legs.

"I was so positive he was on the smack, and I told everyone about his problem," Rempleton said between sobs. "It's just a shame that I didn't find anything."

Rempleton had suspected that her son Jake was a serious heroin user since viewing the Fox news special "The secret dangers of Heroin," because of a pink and green jelly bracelet he came home wearing after attending a church carnival with friends.

Rempleton's son, Jake is an honors student in his senior year at Westminster High. After graduation he plans on attending Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in Singapore on a scholarship.

"I didn't mean to disappoint my mother," Jake said.

Human Think Tank Only Guy with Stuffed Dolphin

2009-01-16T05:26:00.000-08:00

Washington - US government officials were stunned today to learn that their main source of funding, the Human Think Tank (HTT), is nothing more than a guy with a stuffed dolphin.

Police entered the home of Leeroy Tunc on Friday morning in response to a noise complaint by a neighbor. Once inside the D.C. home, they found Tunc with stuffed dolphin held close to his chest, and months of government checks written out to the Human Think Tank scattered about the premises.

“We kept getting reports on the human species from HTT so we just assumed it was legitimate from the start and paid for it,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said.

Records showed that the government had been receiving studies on human activities such as coloring, eating ice cream and playing Frolf for more than 14 years from HTT without asking questions of its validity or purpose.

“As government officials, it is our job to learn about human beings,” Senator Chris Dodd said. “It’s just a shame to think that a name as good as Human Think Tank was made up.”

Officials are left debating whether or not they will press charges on the man they depended on for so much human research, but will take away HTT’s tax exempt status.

“We can not act rashly on this issue,” Rice said. “This man may be our only key to better understanding the human species.”

Waning Food Supply Looks to Computer Spam for Aid

2009-01-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

Washington-The US government has turned its attention to computer spam to quell fears of a nationwide food shortage, a White House representative announced Monday.

The non-fat, non-carb spam that infects millions of computers each year will soon be offered for sale as food products from Internet security firms such as FireEye and Symantec. Flavors will include chicken, pork and seafood in sizes ranging from single to family.

“With computer spam, people can consume as much as they want without getting full or gaining weight,” White House spokesperson Guy Smilie said, touting the various benefits of the web-based product.

Smilie also expressed his hope for computer spam to conquer the obesity problem in the states while fueling the ailing economy without being undermined by climate change like so many other of our precious crops.

“This is a nutritious alternative to the processed canned meat, and there is an over-abundance so our supply might never run out,” FireEye executive Wayne Packson said.

Man Voted Best Smelling Homeless Person 2008

2009-01-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

New York- A man who lives on the Bowery on Manhattan’s lower east side and answers to the name Indiana Jones was awarded Best Smelling Homeless Person of 2008 yesterday by the natural bath products company, Tom’s of Maine.

Mr. Jones’ initially responded by pulling a knife on the company’s spokesman, D.J. Criggens. Before any actual harm had come to the Tom’s of Maine employee, Mr. Jones accepted the award.

“Stink, stink, the government!” he said.

Criggens offered the decrepit man a selection of deodorants as well as gift certificate for Tom’s of Maine products, which Mr. Jones proceeded to eat. When the homeless man asked Criggens for money or food, the spokesman gave a blunt no, and walked away from the cardboard home.

The company that brings you all natural toothpastes and organic deodorants created the award as a way to promote natural products around the country. In 2009, the multi-billion dollar company plans to donate cases of antiplaque floss to AIDS victims in Kenya.

A Very Special Hanukkah Presentation to Air January 15

2008-12-30T07:48:00.000-08:00

Hollywood - American Film Studios will air their multi-million dollar film project A Very Special Hanukkah on January 15, seventeen days after the end of this year’s Jewish holiday.

The film’s producers decided to go ahead with the airing of the project before receiving confirmation of the actual days the holiday falls on, assuring that the masterpiece production could not wait another year.

“You figure it’s eight or nine days somewhere around Christmastime so we’re bound to hit one of the nights,” executive producer Phil Jameson said.

A Very Special Hanukkah is a morality tale of an old and bitter miser, Ebenezer Schwartz, who undergoes a profound experience of redemption over the course of the eight nights of Hanukkah. Cast includes Will Smith as Ebenezer Schwartz, Angela Lansbury as the Ghost of Hanukkah Past, and Macaulay Culkin as Tiny Jordan, among other Hollywood gentiles.

“None of the Jewish actors could partake in filming between December 22 and 29, and those were crucial days for this production,” director George Donce said.

Atheist Family Gets Into Holiday Spirit

2008-12-18T07:20:00.000-08:00

Providence, RI – This year the Pickerel family will engage in their first ever Christmas celebration to end a generations-long ban on religious holidays.

To properly get into the spirit, mother Carol Pickerel placed all of the gifts under their Hoover power stick, and alternated turning on lights in various rooms of the home.

“I think the lights will let Jesus know that people live here when he comes down the chimney to collect his presents.” Ms. Pickerel said.

Brothers White and Hanon say they left an assortment of old comic books and yo-yos for the son of God, and Mrs. Pickerel and her husband Karl wrapped pairs of infant socks to keep Jesus’ feet warm while he treks around the world in one night.

“Someone said something about leaving cookies, but I thought some Gerber bananas and broccoli were healthier for a new-born,” Mr. Pickerel said.

The non-believing family hopes their efforts will fill the professed “void in their lives,” and they vow to not give up hope until they find the religiously affiliated holiday that brings them joy.

“We can just believe in holidays,” Mrs. Pickerel concluded.

Christmas Lights Display at Center of Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions

2008-12-08T16:12:00.001-08:00

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad quelled foreign suspicion today when he divulged the country’s nuclear plan to generate enough energy to support the 800,000 watts Christmas lights display being made to help Westernize the nation.

U.S. leaders and U.N. officials have been suspicious of Iran’s vague uranium enrichment program, and have already imposed three sets of U.N. sanctions and U.S. measures. But after news of Iran’s true nuclear ambitions, countries are requesting a pardon and offering to assist.

“We will teach you how to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, and we will make sure that he is your Savior too,” President-elect Barack Obama announced via weblog.

The Christmas display will include a manger, animated snowmen and a plethora of lighted cacti, and is scheduled to ignite on December 20.

“We bring Christmas to country, be like America.” Gholam Reza Aghazadeh, the head of the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran said.

Washington also plans to reinstate diplomatic ties with Iran, and top U.S. officials will be present at Iran’s first Christmas party, scheduled December 22.

“I am happy to be Secret Santa to Gholam Reza Aghazadeh this year,” Condoleezza Rice said. “I think I will get him a pair of Nike sneakers.”

Monopoly Money Valid Currency

2008-12-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

Washington - As part of a government initiative to preserve and sustain America's financial system and economy, President Bush announced this morning that stores across the nation will accept Monopoly money as valid currency.

The financial problems which originated in the credit markets have spread throughout our financial system enough to distress the population to a point where serious action needs to take place. As a final act of honor during his tenure as president, Mr. Bush has decided to give everyone a get out of jail free card and get the most out of the Parker Brothers game.

“This is a fun country, and I want everyone to be in the game,” President Bush said with a wink.

The new plan also stretched a hand to low-income neighborhoods that will be able to use money from the game Opoply as a legitimate form of payment, although each bill will be given half the value of a real Monopoly dollar.

“When we’re not making enough money, you have to get it from somewhere. And this stuff doesn’t grow on trees you, know?” Mr. Bush said amid rounds of applause.

Since the early morning announcement, consumers have been flocking to stores to pile up on Holiday gifts, gas, and additional game pieces.

Child Hospitalized From Classroom Re-Enactment of First Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

Topeka, KS –Nine year old Brittany Garaloo was admitted to Holy Name Hospital with a tomahawk wound to the head and arrow wounds along her arms and legs suffered during a re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving supper in Mrs. Wallace’s fifth grade class.

Garaloo was dressed as Pocahontas and awaiting the arrival of her love John Smith, played by Willy Sneeders, when a stampede of pilgrims ambushed her and tied her to the coat tree. When she began to struggle, the other students began firing weapons.

It wasn’t until Mrs. Wallace walked out of the classroom kitchen dressed as a pilgrim and carrying the turkey, that the students stopped reigning blows upon Garaloo’s dainty body.

“I don’t know where they got this silly idea that fighting took place on American soil,” Mrs. Wallace said, nursing the India burn on her arm. “The kids came at me like savages.”

Wallace avows to leading American history lessons with talks of the wholesomeness and love between pilgrims and Indians, and remains unsure of how the children could have perceived the occurrences on the holiday differently.

“The school has a strict policy on teaching the facts about early American history,” Principal Funkerdast said. “Pilgrims were nothing more than good American people who came here to share the land with the Indians.”

Babysitter Surveillance Camera Catches Nothing Unusual

2008-11-17T10:06:00.001-08:00

Raleigh, NC - After watching a CNN special on babysitters caught abusing children on camera, the Drakes’ became suspicious of the 15 years old girl who was watching their two children Friday evenings.

The couple spent a whopping $100,000 to set up hidden cameras in the living room, kitchen and bedrooms, to find out just what was going on when they were away from their kids.

Much to their dismay, when the Drakes’ returned home to watch the videos they saw footage of the babysitter Cat playing Monopoly with little Sarah and Frank, preparing succulent and well-balanced meals for dinner, and reading them bedtime stories at their appropriate bedtime.

“She did pick her nose just before giving the kids their dinner, so that is something we will continue to monitor,” Dana Drake said.

While their children remain safe and secure in the arms of babysitter Cat, the Drakes hope and pray that other Americans will catch babysitters committing acts of atrocity before it is too late.

U.S. Girl Scouts in Need of Financial Bailout

2008-11-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

National- Girl Scout cookie sales crumbled this morning, sending troops across America into a perpetual state of fear and worry.

“My hard work and investments are worthless.” 13-year old Carolyn Reiss, who was hoping to win a 6-inch talking stuffed dolphin for her annual sales record said.

Since the price of Girl Scout cookies had jumped to a whopping $15.00 per box, the younglings have been relying heavily on the ‘honesty policy borrowing plan’ and engaging in shady business deals with Hasbro, the company who sells Easy-Bake Oven. It wasn’t until the organization’s National Treasurer, 11-year old Sammy Winters opened her Hello Kitty notebook to calculate the year’s profits, that anyone realized the group was in trouble.

“So far we’ve gone to our parents and neighborhood friends for aide, but it is not enough to pay off the $2 billion we owe for flour, sugar, and our stock of prizes,” Winters said.

Troops from around the nation are planning a surge on Washington in the hopes that the U.S. Treasury will buy up toxic cookies.

McCain Vows to Make Upcoming Depression Greater Than the Last

2008-10-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Johnstown, PA-In a recent speech on America’s economy, McCain candidly informed the public of the inevitable depression in our wake and promised that he can and will make this depression greater than the last if he wins the presidential election in November.

He spoke of getting back to American roots of frivolous borrowing and spending to perpetuate the production of money, as well as the construction of bridges to no where, to really slow any rational progress.

Amid questions from local workers, McCain laid out the foundations of a plan calling for massive layoffs to get the unemployment rate to 30% by 2010,and he vowed that “all children will be left behind,” in schools across the nation.

“With my help, we can get as low as third world countries,” McCain said. “I want kids in Africa to read the newspapers and think, thank God I don’t live in America.”

McCain’s VP pick Sarah Palin touted McCain’s first-ever distinct plan for running the country, and spoke of her own designs for America in the 21st century, including the cloning of pigs with lipstick and pregnant teenagers as far as the eye can see.

In response to her and McCain’s mental agility, she had only this to say:
“With God on our side, we can do anything, dog gone it.”

Bush Gives Financial Crisis to God

2008-10-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

National - During a recent speech about the mounting financial crisis in America, President George Bush turned to God [the Almighty] for an answer.

“We Americans are good Christians,” he said, “and God will not forget us in this time of need.”

The audience of 666 huddled around the stage, and White House staff waved candles before they all shared a prayer to The Supreme Being.

“If anyone can fix this mess, it’s got to be you big guy,” Bush said pointing towards the sky. “So I’ll wait down here for your address and then I’ll send you the bill, buddy.”

A recent poll showed that 54% of the American population believes Bush’s new God strategy will work; while 35% of people say Bush is speaking to the wrong god. The remaining 11% just roll their eyes.

“This is a joke, right?” devout Atheist Ronald Winters said on his way to another Atheist rally to discuss and prove the non-existence of something he doesn’t even believe in.

There remains talk on how soon a response is expected from the Lord and Savior, and in the meantime some stores will be accepting prayer cards and rosaries instead of paper money.

Homeland Security Finds Weapons of No Destruction in Bangladesh

2008-10-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

The United States department of Homeland security released a report confirming weapons of no destruction in Bangladesh last week, quelling national fears of a terrorist attack of catastrophic proportions.

The highest Washington sources believed the weapons to be in a dilapidated building located in the capital city of Dhaka, and set a team to locate and destroy.

“We were fully armed with guns and tasers to keep the peace while we searched through crates of yo-yos and finger puppets,” Homeland Security official Ned Puckers said.

Puckers and his team confirmed the weapons of no destruction, and have sent their findings to President Bush for further action.

“Destruction or no destruction, George Bush will keep America safe,” D.C. resident Beth Winters said.

Threatening Post-it Notes Placed Around Office

2008-09-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

New York-Employees of Ran Spam Publishing Company arrived to work this morning to find threatening post-it notes on desks, cubicle walls and computer monitors.

The post-it notes contained menacing phrases like Watch Out, Don’t Forget and, simply, Cheeseburger.

“I am the victim of a hate crime,” editor/vegetarian Lynn Garner said referring to the meat-oriented post-it note affixed to her computer monitor.

Security cameras show no sign of a break-in and top officials with the company have suggested that this is an inside job.

Free T-Shirts Blind Bank Employees from Robbery

2008-09-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

Trenton, NJ – A bank robbery that occurred at the National State City Bank at 1 pm yesterday went undetected for an hour because of employees excitement with free t-shirts from the banks radio sponsor, WOOPS.

At approximately 1:45 pm window teller Dana Rothink was returning to her post wearing a free t-shirt decorated with bubbles and stars, when she noticed registers in disarray and the bank’s safe door wide open.

“I guess I got so caught up in things that I wasn’t paying attention,” Rothink said.

Video footage showed the masked robber casually walking into the bank with a gun slung over his shoulder just as employees huddled around the cardboard boxes filled with varying sizes of free t-shirts.

The interoffice interrogation continued with security guard Frank Chiles who had this to say: “Who in their right mind would pass up an opportunity for a free t-shirt?”

Mattel Unveils Barbie Foreclosure Set

2008-09-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

Countrywide Financial Corporation and Mattel Inc have joined forces to give little girls [and boys] a playful taste of reality featuring the ubiquitous Barbie doll.

The new Barbie Foreclosure Set comes with all the accessories a poor girl needs for getting thrown out on the streets. The set includes a house with boarded up windows and doors, an empty pocketbook, plastic food stamps, and a countrywide foreclosure agent Barbie can reason with. Best friend puppy comes along too, with a fish skeleton to nibble on when hunger sets in.

“This will give my little girl hand on experience for the future that awaits her,” one mother said.

The set, which is projected to be on store shelves nationwide by the end of September, is part of Mattel Inc.’s recent measures to give an educational purpose for their plastic products.

“We want our kids to have fun while facing reality,” a Mattel representative

In early 2009, Mattel Inc. says it will complete the set with Trailer Trash Barbie, and accessories including a flask and hooker clothes.

Nike Inc. Erects $2.2M Statue Outside Chinese Factory

2008-09-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

Dongguan- Nike Inc. unveiled a bronze statue of Nike, the Greek goddess outside of their factory located in the Guangdong province of China last week.

The effigy was created as a symbol of the company’s winning products and successful sales over the years. Manager’s also hoped it would beautify the otherwise drab factory while sending a message of joy to the factory workers.

“This statue is to show our appreciation to the hard workers of Dong-dong...uh, China, who maintain a steady work pace despite low-tech assembly machines and minimal breaks” Nike CEO Mark Parker said.

The overworked and underpaid employees posed beside the statue for a photo in the afternoon and everyone took part in the evening potluck with mouth-watering dishes that included lima beans, tofu, and tofu with salt.

When asked to share her feelings about the magnanimous statue, factory worker Su Ki Jimming said, “I make 3 dollar day.”

Terrorist Group Attacks Green

2008-09-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

The internationally-renowned terrorist group, al-Qaeda is making headlines again, but this time for all the right reasons.

Al-Qaeda cells operating out of Afghanistan have begun experimenting with more environmentally-friendly means for wreaking havoc across the globe. The group is focusing its energy on creating solar-powered suicide bombs and hand-grenades made from recycled materials.

“In order to achieve our goals for autonomous Muslim countries, we must destroy our enemies without destroying our planet,” al-Qaeda member Mamdouh Yousef said.

Some say the group is even going above and beyond the call of duty, however. The organization recently enforced a new policy requiring all [living] members to collect aluminum cans, paper, and plastic from the after-math of bombed sites, and deposit these items at the nearest recycling site.

Al-Qaeda's diligence is being lauded by world leaders. President Bush plans on holding an awards ceremony to commemorate the terrorist organization’s green efforts, while looking at ways his own country can promote ecological weapons of mass destruction.

A White House spokesperson concluded: “Let al-Qaeda be an example to every nation with a penchant for war.”

2-Ft Incline Deemed Mountain by Manhattanite

2008-09-02T08:45:00.001-07:00

New York – Lifelong New York City resident Peter Sisco, 47, asserts that he climbed a ‘mountain’ in Manhattan’s financial district last Sunday afternoon.

While walking the windy downtown streets in search of a hot dog stand before boarding the Staten Island Ferry, Sisco approached a foot of 2-inch incline in the road at broad Street and Exchange Place.

“I’ve never seen a mountain, but I’ve heard lots about them and this is sort of like what was described,” Sisco said.

The man went on to say that he needed to stop at the halfway point to rest and swore to a noticeable increase in air pressure.

Says Sisco’s mother, “Our boy doesn’t get out much.”

Businessman Electrocuted Attempting to get Intimate with Virtual Assistant

2008-08-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

New York- Area businessman, Dwight Hoover, was electrocuted in his downtown Manhattan office after attempting to get intimate with his virtual assistant, Betty123 last week.

The Cisco employee was testing out the company’s new virtual program before its scheduled launch in 2009, when he claims to have been swept by a feeling of euphoria and a need to caress Betty123.

“When I was leaning over, my waist was parallel with the computer screen and I just felt like Betty123 was so close to me. We shared a passionate kiss and then, well, I guess I blacked out,” Hoover said from a hospital where he was receiving treatment for 1st degree burns to his lips, hands and ass.

A fellow employee found Hoover twitching on the ground shortly after the incident and directed Betty123 to call emergency assistance to the scene.

“The virtual assistant was working fine when I used it,” employee Walt Harngy said. “And I can sure see why anyone would find her attractive.”

Experts from Cisco, the leading supplier of networking equipment and network management for the Internet, will continue to look into this matter to ensure no similar problems arise when the Internet program launches.

“We might have to put a disclaimer on the package or something,” one Cisco employee suggested.

There has been no word yet as to whether Betty123 can/will press sexual harassment charges against Hoover, although other system users believe Betty123 has not been the same since that day.

When asked to comment on the matter, Betty123 said, simply, ‘How can I help you today, sir.’

Obama Gains Last Minute Military Experience at the Arcade

2008-08-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

National-On his way to a press conference in Reno, Nevada Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama stopped into Crown Royal Arcade to try his hand at Battlefield Vietnam and Men of Valor, games he hopes will give him last minute war experience.

After months of debate surrounding the Democratic candidate’s lack of military experience, the Obama campaign thought it would be the best effort of getting him fully up-to-speed with rival John McCain.

“These games are the real deal, with guns and grenades,” Obama spokesman Ray Knickler said. “Now, it’s as if Obama was right there in Vietnam”

Although Obama earned a silver star for his efforts during a machine gun operation on a Huey helicopter in Men of Valor, he had some difficulty maneuvering around the Cambodia Incursion and Fall of Saigon maps in Battlefield Vietnam.

"I believe that I can have a military resume that's as good as any other soldier's," Obama said.

To which a McCain aide retorted, “He may have done everything, but let’s see him pull off an over the hill birthday bash.”

Programmer Claims to See Computer Soul

2008-08-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

New York – Computer programmer Horatio Sanchez, claims to have seen his computer’s soul while writing company codes from his downtown Manhattan office late Monday night.

The LinksX employee maintains that while staring blankly into his computer screen he heard holy voices whispering an angelic tune and saw deeply into the computer’s spirit.

“I was waiting for a program to re-boot, then all I could see was white and it was like the computer screen was sucking me in,” Sanchez said.

The man immediately went unconscious and two of his colleagues rushed to his aid.

“We tried to help him up and he was pointing at the computer screen and we looked, and, oh God,” LinksX employee George Weatherby managed under a stream of tears. “Forgive me Father, I’ve looked at so much porn on the Internet.”

LinksX is an online trading system that liaises with international banks and has locations in the New York, London and China.

After word of Sanchez’s spiritual experience reached the media, LinksX CEO Fred Macky sent out a press release denying any particular corporate religious leaning, stating, “our company has as much clemency on employees’ religious practices as it does on the use of drugs and alcohol.”

Wrist Broken at International Yo-Yo Competition

2008-08-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

New York – Two-time champion of the International Yo-Yo Open Dunkin Romebucks broke his wrist while attempting to wow the judges with the Shoot the Moon yo-yo trick.

The move, labeled advanced by yo-yo standards, is a forward pass followed by a continual flick of the wrist in a semicircular motion while looping the yo-yo in and out of one’s legs. It was during the combined leg and arm movement that Romebucks’ wrist gave out.

“Man down, man down,” one of the security guards yelled upon noticing Romebucks flaccid wrist.

The athlete remained in stable condition while paramedics attempted to lead him through the rows of competitors who dared not stop for “anything or anyone”.

“They said he went unconscious because he was hit with so many yo-yos while getting out of the gym,” competitor Ralph Nastereen remembered. “and the rules clearly state that you can not stop for anyone or anything..”

Romebucks is recovering in Cherry Tree Hospital while preparing yo-yo toe tricks in the hopes of re-entering the competition in 2009.

“Yo-yo go,” Romebucks said, staring at the yo-yo hanging by a string from his toe in the hospital bed.

John McCain Caught Drinking Blood

2008-07-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

MO - An Associated Press photographer captured McCain behind the scenes at a rally in Cassville yesterday, gulping down a 2-litre bottle of clearly labeled Blood Juice, creating a circus of questions around McCain and his campaign aids.

Other spectators have come forward to express their eerie concerns for the presumptive Republican candidate, claiming he always avoids garlic foods and maintains late-night hours.

“I think this country needs a Black president before it can handle anything like a vampire in the White House,” Missouri Democrat Leonor K. Sullivan said.

McCain aids continue denying the validity of the photos, adding, “If anyone is a vampire, it should not be allowed to adopt a child,” to cheers from senior Republican voters.

Blood Juice is a trademark of Coca-Cola, and was first produced as a fuel-booster for marathon-running vampires. It banned in 1806 in all states except Louisiana. Mississippi, and California, where it can be found in most independently-owned headshops and gas stations along dirt roads.

The juice is a mixture of 78 percent pig, cow and human blood, 20 percent high fructose corn syrup and 2 percent water.

NY Police Force Training all Officers Not to Fear Unarmed Black Men

2008-07-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

New York- The New York Police Department will train all officers not to be afraid of unarmed black men, police chief Wiggum announced Monday on the steps of City Hall.

The new measure is due to the excess of deaths in metropolitan areas where white police officers are shooting at innocent black men who are helping old ladies carry groceries home or leading school children safely across a busy street.

“Truth be told, our boys are afraid,” Chief Wiggum said in an interview following the announcement. “Even the black officers.”

A recent study on the matter suggests the majority of officers are ignorant of the communication skills needed to exchange a few words with another of the human race, without the use of a defense mechanism.

Training sessions will include 5 hours of speech therapy per week and another 3 hours per week of TV time, where the officers will watch episodes of the Cosby Show and Family Matters to help them adapt to another ethnic group.

“Hello, my name is Lieutenant Denmarc,” an officer attempted at the latest training session, holding back an impulse to pull out his weapon. The neophyte continued with basic sentences for a few minutes before cutting one of the speech therapists’ throats out of fear of speaking to a woman.