A Very Special Hanukkah Presentation to Air January 15

Hollywood - American Film Studios will air their multi-million dollar film project A Very Special Hanukkah on January 15, seventeen days after the end of this year’s Jewish holiday.

The film’s producers decided to go ahead with the airing of the project before receiving confirmation of the actual days the holiday falls on, assuring that the masterpiece production could not wait another year.

“You figure it’s eight or nine days somewhere around Christmastime so we’re bound to hit one of the nights,” executive producer Phil Jameson said.


A Very Special Hanukkah is a morality tale of an old and bitter miser, Ebenezer Schwartz, who undergoes a profound experience of redemption over the course of the eight nights of Hanukkah. Cast includes Will Smith as Ebenezer Schwartz, Angela Lansbury as the Ghost of Hanukkah Past, and Macaulay Culkin as Tiny Jordan, among other Hollywood gentiles.

“None of the Jewish actors could partake in filming between December 22 and 29, and those were crucial days for this production,” director George Donce said.

Atheist Family Gets Into Holiday Spirit

Providence, RI – This year the Pickerel family will engage in their first ever Christmas celebration to end a generations-long ban on religious holidays.

To properly get into the spirit, mother Carol Pickerel placed all of the gifts under their Hoover power stick, and alternated turning on lights in various rooms of the home.

“I think the lights will let Jesus know that people live here when he comes down the chimney to collect his presents.” Ms. Pickerel said.

Brothers White and Hanon say they left an assortment of old comic books and yo-yos for the son of God, and Mrs. Pickerel and her husband Karl wrapped pairs of infant socks to keep Jesus’ feet warm while he treks around the world in one night.

“Someone said something about leaving cookies, but I thought some Gerber bananas and broccoli were healthier for a new-born,” Mr. Pickerel said.

The non-believing family hopes their efforts will fill the professed “void in their lives,” and they vow to not give up hope until they find the religiously affiliated holiday that brings them joy.

“We can just believe in holidays,” Mrs. Pickerel concluded.

Christmas Lights Display at Center of Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad quelled foreign suspicion today when he divulged the country’s nuclear plan to generate enough energy to support the 800,000 watts Christmas lights display being made to help Westernize the nation.

U.S. leaders and U.N. officials have been suspicious of Iran’s vague uranium enrichment program, and have already imposed three sets of U.N. sanctions and U.S. measures. But after news of Iran’s true nuclear ambitions, countries are requesting a pardon and offering to assist.

“We will teach you how to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, and we will make sure that he is your Savior too,” President-elect Barack Obama announced via weblog.

The Christmas display will include a manger, animated snowmen and a plethora of lighted cacti, and is scheduled to ignite on December 20.

“We bring Christmas to country, be like America.” Gholam Reza Aghazadeh, the head of the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran said.

Washington also plans to reinstate diplomatic ties with Iran, and top U.S. officials will be present at Iran’s first Christmas party, scheduled December 22.

“I am happy to be Secret Santa to Gholam Reza Aghazadeh this year,” Condoleezza Rice said. “I think I will get him a pair of Nike sneakers.”

Monopoly Money Valid Currency

Washington - As part of a government initiative to preserve and sustain America's financial system and economy, President Bush announced this morning that stores across the nation will accept Monopoly money as valid currency.

The financial problems which originated in the credit markets have spread throughout our financial system enough to distress the population to a point where serious action needs to take place. As a final act of honor during his tenure as president, Mr. Bush has decided to give everyone a get out of jail free card and get the most out of the Parker Brothers game.

“This is a fun country, and I want everyone to be in the game,” President Bush said with a wink.

The new plan also stretched a hand to low-income neighborhoods that will be able to use money from the game Opoply as a legitimate form of payment, although each bill will be given half the value of a real Monopoly dollar.

“When we’re not making enough money, you have to get it from somewhere. And this stuff doesn’t grow on trees you, know?” Mr. Bush said amid rounds of applause.

Since the early morning announcement, consumers have been flocking to stores to pile up on Holiday gifts, gas, and additional game pieces.

Child Hospitalized From Classroom Re-Enactment of First Thanksgiving

Topeka, KS –Nine year old Brittany Garaloo was admitted to Holy Name Hospital with a tomahawk wound to the head and arrow wounds along her arms and legs suffered during a re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving supper in Mrs. Wallace’s fifth grade class.

Garaloo was dressed as Pocahontas and awaiting the arrival of her love John Smith, played by Willy Sneeders, when a stampede of pilgrims ambushed her and tied her to the coat tree. When she began to struggle, the other students began firing weapons.

It wasn’t until Mrs. Wallace walked out of the classroom kitchen dressed as a pilgrim and carrying the turkey, that the students stopped reigning blows upon Garaloo’s dainty body.

“I don’t know where they got this silly idea that fighting took place on American soil,” Mrs. Wallace said, nursing the India burn on her arm. “The kids came at me like savages.”

Wallace avows to leading American history lessons with talks of the wholesomeness and love between pilgrims and Indians, and remains unsure of how the children could have perceived the occurrences on the holiday differently.

“The school has a strict policy on teaching the facts about early American history,” Principal Funkerdast said. “Pilgrims were nothing more than good American people who came here to share the land with the Indians.”

Babysitter Surveillance Camera Catches Nothing Unusual

Raleigh, NC - After watching a CNN special on babysitters caught abusing children on camera, the Drakes’ became suspicious of the 15 years old girl who was watching their two children Friday evenings.

The couple spent a whopping $100,000 to set up hidden cameras in the living room, kitchen and bedrooms, to find out just what was going on when they were away from their kids.

Much to their dismay, when the Drakes’ returned home to watch the videos they saw footage of the babysitter Cat playing Monopoly with little Sarah and Frank, preparing succulent and well-balanced meals for dinner, and reading them bedtime stories at their appropriate bedtime.

“She did pick her nose just before giving the kids their dinner, so that is something we will continue to monitor,” Dana Drake said.

While their children remain safe and secure in the arms of babysitter Cat, the Drakes hope and pray that other Americans will catch babysitters committing acts of atrocity before it is too late.

U.S. Girl Scouts in Need of Financial Bailout

National- Girl Scout cookie sales crumbled this morning, sending troops across America into a perpetual state of fear and worry.

“My hard work and investments are worthless.” 13-year old Carolyn Reiss, who was hoping to win a 6-inch talking stuffed dolphin for her annual sales record said.

Since the price of Girl Scout cookies had jumped to a whopping $15.00 per box, the younglings have been relying heavily on the ‘honesty policy borrowing plan’ and engaging in shady business deals with Hasbro, the company who sells Easy-Bake Oven. It wasn’t until the organization’s National Treasurer, 11-year old Sammy Winters opened her Hello Kitty notebook to calculate the year’s profits, that anyone realized the group was in trouble.

“So far we’ve gone to our parents and neighborhood friends for aide, but it is not enough to pay off the $2 billion we owe for flour, sugar, and our stock of prizes,” Winters said.

Troops from around the nation are planning a surge on Washington in the hopes that the U.S. Treasury will buy up toxic cookies.