McCain Vows to Make Upcoming Depression Greater Than the Last

Johnstown, PA-In a recent speech on America’s economy, McCain candidly informed the public of the inevitable depression in our wake and promised that he can and will make this depression greater than the last if he wins the presidential election in November.

He spoke of getting back to American roots of frivolous borrowing and spending to perpetuate the production of money, as well as the construction of bridges to no where, to really slow any rational progress.

Amid questions from local workers, McCain laid out the foundations of a plan calling for massive layoffs to get the unemployment rate to 30% by 2010,and he vowed that “all children will be left behind,” in schools across the nation.

“With my help, we can get as low as third world countries,” McCain said. “I want kids in Africa to read the newspapers and think, thank God I don’t live in America.”

McCain’s VP pick Sarah Palin touted McCain’s first-ever distinct plan for running the country, and spoke of her own designs for America in the 21st century, including the cloning of pigs with lipstick and pregnant teenagers as far as the eye can see.

In response to her and McCain’s mental agility, she had only this to say:
“With God on our side, we can do anything, dog gone it.”

Bush Gives Financial Crisis to God

National - During a recent speech about the mounting financial crisis in America, President George Bush turned to God [the Almighty] for an answer.

“We Americans are good Christians,” he said, “and God will not forget us in this time of need.”

The audience of 666 huddled around the stage, and White House staff waved candles before they all shared a prayer to The Supreme Being.

“If anyone can fix this mess, it’s got to be you big guy,” Bush said pointing towards the sky. “So I’ll wait down here for your address and then I’ll send you the bill, buddy.”

A recent poll showed that 54% of the American population believes Bush’s new God strategy will work; while 35% of people say Bush is speaking to the wrong god. The remaining 11% just roll their eyes.

“This is a joke, right?” devout Atheist Ronald Winters said on his way to another Atheist rally to discuss and prove the non-existence of something he doesn’t even believe in.

There remains talk on how soon a response is expected from the Lord and Savior, and in the meantime some stores will be accepting prayer cards and rosaries instead of paper money.

Homeland Security Finds Weapons of No Destruction in Bangladesh

The United States department of Homeland security released a report confirming weapons of no destruction in Bangladesh last week, quelling national fears of a terrorist attack of catastrophic proportions.

The highest Washington sources believed the weapons to be in a dilapidated building located in the capital city of Dhaka, and set a team to locate and destroy.

“We were fully armed with guns and tasers to keep the peace while we searched through crates of yo-yos and finger puppets,” Homeland Security official Ned Puckers said.

Puckers and his team confirmed the weapons of no destruction, and have sent their findings to President Bush for further action.

“Destruction or no destruction, George Bush will keep America safe,” D.C. resident Beth Winters said.