Money Anonymous Group Forms In Hamptons

New York - In a time that looks down on those who have money in the bank, affluent citizens are buying their way into an anonymous program where they can flaunt their cash and discuss luxury problems in a non-judgmental environment.

Money Anonymous was formed at the prominent Maidstone Club of East Hampton by Pearson P., who claims the rich and famous are suffering just as much as the people in the poor house.

“I wanted to develop a place where people could unburden themselves from leading prestigious, wealthy lifestyles,” Pearson P. said. “True that we are better than most, but we should not be forced to suffer for that.”

Money Anonymous is a group with close to 300 members since their beginning in December 2008. Group members gather weekly to complain about hired help and valet parking, or dealing with the pressures of shopping at Gucci and Dior every weekend. The group is self-supporting so they pass an alligator-skin basket around during each meeting to pay for expenses like authentic Corsican tea, foie gras, French chocolates, Majesty’s Reserve cigars and whatever else group members’ desire.

"The hope is that people will feel comfortable with who they are," Pearson said.

When asked about the extravagance of the group while the majority of Americans are struggling and losing jobs, member Paris H. had this to say: "Poor people need to know that we have feelings too."

Secretary Amazed at the Lack of Attendance During Company's Mandatory Fire Drill

New York-Grace Hall, legal secretary at Lou, Schult, and Ham LLP. was amazed last Thursday afternoon when she arrived at the fifth floor emergency stairwell during a routine fire drill and noticed the absence of several colleagues.

"One of the admins is pregnant, and she didn't even show up," Hall said in a recent interview. "Now she doesn't know what to do in case of an emergency, so I think she should just be left to burn."

Hall went on to express her dismay at the manager’s lack of interest when she recounted the story to him. “I don’t even think he [manager] showed up for the fire drill either. I went and left a perfectly cup of coffee at my desk.”

In accordance with New York City Fire Department regulations, companies must conduct fire drills and Emergency Evacuation Procedures each quarter, informing employees of emergency stairwell locations and check-in points. Prior to each drill, all employees are given instructions via e-mail or letter from their employer, and are asked to comply when the bell sounds.

“We strongly suggest that all employees follow instructions during emergency drills, but we can not guarantee that everyone will show up,” Manager Grennegs Ham said. “This is a business, not a daycare center.”

Fashion Icons Unveil Summer Poor Look at Paris Show

Paris-Calvin Klein and Louis Vuitton stunk up the runway last Saturday night with their 2009 summer bum collection.

Models adorned in dirty, loose fitting trousers and hole-ridden flannel shirts strutted their stuff down the trash-laden catwalk. The new looks were formulated with the idea of the simple, economically friendly shopper in mind.

“We want to show the people that we can understand their hardships,” designer Jean-Paul Gaultier said adjusting the diamond ring on his finger, “And we will all look poor and fabulous together.”

Although the clothes reek of booze and urine, the pristine price tag stinks of riches.
The going price for jewelry made of shoestring and tin cans starts at $3000.

It’s all about accessorizing this summer and letting people see and smell your hardships,” Coco Chanel said, spraying her new perfume Rotten into the air.

Barack Obama to Rename Presidential Address, Fun House

Washington-In steps to make the White House feel more like a home for him and his family, Barack Obama plans to repaint the outside walls a dark magenta with forest green stripes and rename the building, the Fun House.

Obama and his special team of interior decorators will also be transforming the East Room into a disco lounge and adding a hookah bar inside the Cabinet Room.

“I want the fly honey suite in the West Wing, in case I just need a breather after an intense meeting with world leaders,” Obama said, offering a wink to the news camera.

Sources close to the family say these measures will help bring out the family’s fresh spirit and help to modernize American politics.

The redecorating will cost an estimated $1.5 million and is expected to be finished by early 2010.
When asked his thoughts on the matter, White House spokesperson Evan Griffith said: “We’re still not sure of the president’s level of authority in this particular matter, but we certainly want the Obama’s to be comfortable in their new home at whatever cost.”

Congress Passes Gas

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress on Friday was expected to pass gas aimed at renewing hope and humor to the otherwise 'gloom and doom' outlook in America.

Quick approval of the uncontrollable bodily function would relieve gastric indigestion and help regulate country officials. There is also speculation that the measure would give President Obama an even higher rating among classmates of his daughters Malia Ann and Natasha.

"If we can't laugh about flatulence, this country has far more problems than I expected before taking this job,” President Obama wrote in an e-mail to cabinet members.

The president has urged the Democratic-controlled Congress to fill up on beans, tofu and carbonated beverages before the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, so he can push this idea into law.

The House of Representatives was preparing to vote by midday and the Senate was expected to follow in the early evening, but there was still no final agreement between Senate Democratic and Republican leaders to do so.

When asked her opinion on the president’s new measure, Republican Congresswoman Kathy McMorris Rodgers said, "It is common knowledge that ladies do not fart."

Warmer Seas Broiling Ready-to-Eat Fish

Earth's oceans have become so warm as a result of global climate change that ready-to-eat fish are washing ashore.

Spontaneous fish fry's began early last month on Hollywood Beach in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when a group of surfer's noticed the scrumptuos pieces of fish washing ashore.

"At first I thought the alcohol was making me hallucinate," Don Frapse said with a cackle. "But it was a freakin' fish fry."

Frapse and his friends confirmed that the fish are either fried or broiled and sometimes come ashore with a seaweed salad.

"This is the best fish I have ever tasted," Hoolywood beach lifeguard Sandy Waifer said.Since then, Spontaneous fish fry's have taken place at beaches in Australia, California, and Brazil, serving up delicious seafood like cod, swordfish and even lobster tails.

"Mother nature's one crazy bitch," Evan Alms offered as an explanation for the dismembered and fried lobster tails.

Experts are researching Nature's laltest mystery, and the FDA is advising everyone to approach the ready-to-eat fish with caution.

When asked about the potential danger of these fried fish, Don Frapse had this to say: "Hell, I say approach 'em with some lemon wedges and cocktail sauce."

Government to Spend 5 Billion Teaching Homeless How Best to Use a Dollar

Washington-First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the Teaching Across Dumpsters Program (TAD) Monday to help educate the homeless on positive spending habits.

The 6-week course will take place outside of dumpsters across America, where panelists will lecture on the history and purpose of money, followed by interactive hypotheticals with the students.

"By showing students the difference between a flask of whiskey and a McDonald’s burger, we can show them that we really need them to help the economy too," Mrs. Obama said to a crowd on the steps of the Library of Congress.

Five billion dollars worth of taxpayers money will fund TAD professors and be used to give five tax free dollars to each homeless person who successfully completes the course.

Past administrations have tried to address the country's homeless problem by opening up soup kitchens and homeless shelters, but critics agree those steps have only watered down the real issue of homelessness in this country.

“For the first time in history, someone is actually doing something proactive about the homeless," Harvard Economist Dwight Dewinstein said. “TAD is a way to give the homeless a little pull.”