Child Hospitalized From Classroom Re-Enactment of First Thanksgiving

Topeka, KS –Nine year old Brittany Garaloo was admitted to Holy Name Hospital with a tomahawk wound to the head and arrow wounds along her arms and legs suffered during a re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving supper in Mrs. Wallace’s fifth grade class.

Garaloo was dressed as Pocahontas and awaiting the arrival of her love John Smith, played by Willy Sneeders, when a stampede of pilgrims ambushed her and tied her to the coat tree. When she began to struggle, the other students began firing weapons.

It wasn’t until Mrs. Wallace walked out of the classroom kitchen dressed as a pilgrim and carrying the turkey, that the students stopped reigning blows upon Garaloo’s dainty body.

“I don’t know where they got this silly idea that fighting took place on American soil,” Mrs. Wallace said, nursing the India burn on her arm. “The kids came at me like savages.”

Wallace avows to leading American history lessons with talks of the wholesomeness and love between pilgrims and Indians, and remains unsure of how the children could have perceived the occurrences on the holiday differently.

“The school has a strict policy on teaching the facts about early American history,” Principal Funkerdast said. “Pilgrims were nothing more than good American people who came here to share the land with the Indians.”

Babysitter Surveillance Camera Catches Nothing Unusual

Raleigh, NC - After watching a CNN special on babysitters caught abusing children on camera, the Drakes’ became suspicious of the 15 years old girl who was watching their two children Friday evenings.

The couple spent a whopping $100,000 to set up hidden cameras in the living room, kitchen and bedrooms, to find out just what was going on when they were away from their kids.

Much to their dismay, when the Drakes’ returned home to watch the videos they saw footage of the babysitter Cat playing Monopoly with little Sarah and Frank, preparing succulent and well-balanced meals for dinner, and reading them bedtime stories at their appropriate bedtime.

“She did pick her nose just before giving the kids their dinner, so that is something we will continue to monitor,” Dana Drake said.

While their children remain safe and secure in the arms of babysitter Cat, the Drakes hope and pray that other Americans will catch babysitters committing acts of atrocity before it is too late.

U.S. Girl Scouts in Need of Financial Bailout

National- Girl Scout cookie sales crumbled this morning, sending troops across America into a perpetual state of fear and worry.

“My hard work and investments are worthless.” 13-year old Carolyn Reiss, who was hoping to win a 6-inch talking stuffed dolphin for her annual sales record said.

Since the price of Girl Scout cookies had jumped to a whopping $15.00 per box, the younglings have been relying heavily on the ‘honesty policy borrowing plan’ and engaging in shady business deals with Hasbro, the company who sells Easy-Bake Oven. It wasn’t until the organization’s National Treasurer, 11-year old Sammy Winters opened her Hello Kitty notebook to calculate the year’s profits, that anyone realized the group was in trouble.

“So far we’ve gone to our parents and neighborhood friends for aide, but it is not enough to pay off the $2 billion we owe for flour, sugar, and our stock of prizes,” Winters said.

Troops from around the nation are planning a surge on Washington in the hopes that the U.S. Treasury will buy up toxic cookies.

McCain Vows to Make Upcoming Depression Greater Than the Last

Johnstown, PA-In a recent speech on America’s economy, McCain candidly informed the public of the inevitable depression in our wake and promised that he can and will make this depression greater than the last if he wins the presidential election in November.

He spoke of getting back to American roots of frivolous borrowing and spending to perpetuate the production of money, as well as the construction of bridges to no where, to really slow any rational progress.

Amid questions from local workers, McCain laid out the foundations of a plan calling for massive layoffs to get the unemployment rate to 30% by 2010,and he vowed that “all children will be left behind,” in schools across the nation.

“With my help, we can get as low as third world countries,” McCain said. “I want kids in Africa to read the newspapers and think, thank God I don’t live in America.”

McCain’s VP pick Sarah Palin touted McCain’s first-ever distinct plan for running the country, and spoke of her own designs for America in the 21st century, including the cloning of pigs with lipstick and pregnant teenagers as far as the eye can see.

In response to her and McCain’s mental agility, she had only this to say:
“With God on our side, we can do anything, dog gone it.”

Bush Gives Financial Crisis to God

National - During a recent speech about the mounting financial crisis in America, President George Bush turned to God [the Almighty] for an answer.

“We Americans are good Christians,” he said, “and God will not forget us in this time of need.”

The audience of 666 huddled around the stage, and White House staff waved candles before they all shared a prayer to The Supreme Being.

“If anyone can fix this mess, it’s got to be you big guy,” Bush said pointing towards the sky. “So I’ll wait down here for your address and then I’ll send you the bill, buddy.”

A recent poll showed that 54% of the American population believes Bush’s new God strategy will work; while 35% of people say Bush is speaking to the wrong god. The remaining 11% just roll their eyes.

“This is a joke, right?” devout Atheist Ronald Winters said on his way to another Atheist rally to discuss and prove the non-existence of something he doesn’t even believe in.

There remains talk on how soon a response is expected from the Lord and Savior, and in the meantime some stores will be accepting prayer cards and rosaries instead of paper money.

Homeland Security Finds Weapons of No Destruction in Bangladesh

The United States department of Homeland security released a report confirming weapons of no destruction in Bangladesh last week, quelling national fears of a terrorist attack of catastrophic proportions.

The highest Washington sources believed the weapons to be in a dilapidated building located in the capital city of Dhaka, and set a team to locate and destroy.

“We were fully armed with guns and tasers to keep the peace while we searched through crates of yo-yos and finger puppets,” Homeland Security official Ned Puckers said.

Puckers and his team confirmed the weapons of no destruction, and have sent their findings to President Bush for further action.

“Destruction or no destruction, George Bush will keep America safe,” D.C. resident Beth Winters said.

Threatening Post-it Notes Placed Around Office

New York-Employees of Ran Spam Publishing Company arrived to work this morning to find threatening post-it notes on desks, cubicle walls and computer monitors.

The post-it notes contained menacing phrases like Watch Out, Don’t Forget and, simply, Cheeseburger.

“I am the victim of a hate crime,” editor/vegetarian Lynn Garner said referring to the meat-oriented post-it note affixed to her computer monitor.

Security cameras show no sign of a break-in and top officials with the company have suggested that this is an inside job.