Yuppies Burn Birkenstocks Outside of J. Crew

New York – A group of yuppies gathered outside of J. Crew on Fifth Avenue Friday and burned Birkenstocks in an act of defiance against hippies and their tree-hugging agenda.

The conservative group says hippies have influenced popular culture for far too long with the influx of vegan grocery stores and head shops throughout the city. Yuppies say it is time for corporate executives and companies like Starbucks and Apple to reclaim the city.

“These people spread lies about pacifism and smell real bad,” Yuppie Donald Renke said on his way to a meeting at the Cornell Club.

Hippies responded to the act by singing songs of love and peace in a drum circle on the north lawn of Central Park. Their tree-hugging methods disrupted sunbathers and families gathering in the public space.

One mother, Samantha Redding, claimed that the hippies in Central Park ruined her child’s fifth birthday party.

“These hippies have gone too far,” Redding said. “My kid is at home crying because those degenerates were mocking us for eating cake that was made from eggs and milk.”

“Dude, people just need to chill out and be happy,” hippie Luke said blowing a cloud of marijuana smoke into the air.

Family Cat Rates Netflix Movies

New York – The Joneses were astonished last night when they returned home to find their computer logged into the rental-by-mail website Netlfix, and their cat Whiskers rating films in their queue.

The Joneses had known that something was ‘fishy’ with their DVD rental system for the past week or so, because they kept receiving films like Finding Nemo and Puss in Boots. They never expected the culprit to be their lovable pet.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mrs. Jones said in between sobs. “We raised Whiskers to be an honest cat and then this.”

The couple has worked with their film rental company to be reimbursed for the errors in shipment and will be changing the security settings on their remote controls so something like this does not happen again.

“Another incident like this and we might have to just put him down,” Mr. Jones said.

Area Douche Bag Jacked up on Chicken

New York - Police responded to a disturbance in Times Square earlier today and arrested Ray Finklestein who was wreaking havoc on the city streets.

The proclaimed 'douche bag' was ripping parking meters out of the ground and throwing garbage cans across city streets to show off his big muscles after wolfing down nine pounds of chicken on his lunch break.

"The guy is such a douche bag and always monopolizes the microwave in the break room," colleauge Quincy Jones said. "He's so obsessed with himself and his big muscles."

Finklestein was placed in a holding cell at the county jail for three hours while his hormone levels calmed down. Police then escorted him out of the building with a $5,000 fine and a recipe book of safer to eat, high-protein meals.

"The fine for disorderly conduct and damage to property is usually $1,000," officer Sparks said,. "But this guy was such a douche bag we made him pay a little more."

Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"

Area Man Morphs Into Balloon to Enter Father’s Day Parade

Tampa – Harry and Pete Johnson were amazed at the Hillsborough County Father’s Day Parade this morning when their father Wick Johnson morphed into a giant helium balloon.

The 20-foot balloon-man made his way into the parade that snaked through various neighborhoods in the area, waving to the crowds and shouting great tidings.

“Every year he talks about how he wants to be one of those balloons,” 10-year-old son Harry said. “But we just thought he was talking nonsense.”

Police circled Johnson as he neared the end of the parade, and after he deflated himself, brought him to the police station for questioning.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Officer Holden said. “But we all know of the destruction Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was capable of in Ghostbusters, so we couldn’t take our chances.”

This is the first known incident of a man spontaneously inflating himself with helium and scientists and doctors are questioning this phenomenon and looking into any severe health implications of such an act.

From his observation room in Tampa General Hospital, Mr. Johnson had only this to say: “Whatever happens, it sure was worth it.”

Sarah Palin’s Breasts Push Political Agenda

Washington – The breasts of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a public appearance last night at the Elkin Strip Club in Wasilla, Alaska to deny charges that they were recently augmented and to discuss politics with the drunken crowd.

The buoyant twins took to the stage just after 2 a.m. and showed off their natural beauty to the beat of The Eurythmics while dissuading the crowd from same-sex marriage.

“The more that chic shakes her melons, the more I believe in her political message,” Elkin regular Wally Marsh said.

Since Palin has added dancing to her repertoire of talents, her popularity among middle-aged and old white males has skyrocketed and there are hints that she may pursue the presidency in 2012, using her breasts to get to the top.

“I had to pay a fee to get up on that there stage,” Palin said, “and doggonit I am glad to have done it because now people will really listen to my message. I am a proud American.” Palin lifted her shirt to expose red, white and blue painted breasts.

Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.