New York City - Renowned department store Century 21 is slated to receive a grant of $12m from the Department of Homeland Security in a new initiative called, “cover-your ass security.”The proposal comes after reports were unveiled suspecting the store of being a breeding ground for terrorists who seek top quality designer fashion at extensive discount prices while desiring to annihilate the very principles this country was founded on.
“We must keep our designer fashions at discount prices safe,” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said showing off his new Armani suit outside of City Hall early this morning. “Our country prides itself on cheap clothes, and we must defend these objects with all our power.”
The “cover-your ass security” initiative involves an extensive network of security cameras, robots, weapons-detectors and clothing purchase profiling.
“We know that most anti-Americans buy pima cotton and fondue pots, so we have to discriminate against anyone who makes that kind of a purchase,” Manager Frank Smarts said. “And because it’s easy to spot a terrorist by the clothes they wear, we will program our terrorist identifying robots to attack and arrest any customer wearing terrorist clothes.”
The Department of Homeland Security is also considering more funding to ensure other American staples like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Burger King, and Seven Eleven remain safe from terrorism.
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