Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”

McCain-Palin Reunite to Form Folk Band

Washington-Two thousand and eight presidential and vice presidential candidate John McCain and Sarah Palin announced earlier today that they will be forming a Folk band titled, Stocking Gun and the Gang.


The two solidified the idea after a drunken bout of impromptu singing at Bob’s Pub off Interstate A1 in Alaska late Sunday night after it was clear that their republican message was not being heard.


“They didn’t seem as friendly as the regulars we get here. Kind of angry at one another,” Bar owner Bob Cobb said. “And the old guy kept rattlin’ on about a voice and pointed to the microphone so the woman staggered over and started singing.”


Palin’s a cappella version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was met with little enthusiasm from the three patrons of the bar until she started unbuttoning her suit jacket.


“My friends, if my friend [Palin] can make five dollars for a few minutes worth of work, well, that tells me the American dream is still alive and well. And together we will preach that dream to the American people.”


The duo are scheduled to being voice lessons and have already begun writing songs for their first album, with titles including, Will My Neck Ever Grow Back, Abortion-bortion Gives Doctors a Fortune and My Love, My Gun.


“I think the people of America will be more receptive to our political message through harmony and with a tambourine doggone it” Palin said from inside the Chanel store on Rodeo Drive where she was trying out ‘hippie skirts’.