New York Doormen Still Waiting For Sidewalk to Grow

New York City door attendants, notorious for hosing down sidewalks in the early morning hours, are fed up that their concrete has not grown, and announced an initiative to promote sidewalk proliferation.

“Concrete America,” had their first meeting last night on the city’s Upper West Side, where doormen and maintenance workers shared their experience being amateur ‘white thumbs’ and spoke of their hopes for the future.

“I see a world with concrete as far as the eye can see, that grows out of the ground like vegetables, where little kids can roll around on it and play,” sidewalk hoser Sam Redkin said from the podium.

The doormen concluded that they would achieve their goals by following in the footsteps of the green initiative and offering seminars on where concrete came from as well as tips on how to maintain a healthy sidewalk. Some even spoke of opening a store that sells sidewalk production tools, like sidewalk buffers and mowers, hoes, rakes and cement mixtures and food.

“Someday, I’m going to mow this sidewalk,” 224 W. 90th doorman, Larry Mack said, scraping his hand along the rough surface.

Lone Tree Responsible for Three-Car Pile-Up

Tempeh – A twelve-foot Chorisia insignis tree along interstate 40 in Arizona is being charged with murder after causing a three-car pile-up that left four dead and three others injured.

All of the victims were good friends, returning home from a peyote party in the desert when someone in the first car realized they were heading for a tree. Most assumed what they saw was a hallucination, but reality was confirmed after it was too late.

“It was a total buzz kill,” Wendy Sparks spoke through her ventilator. “I was paying attention to the dancing teeth in the waves, then wham—“

Lawyers are currently trying to work out the details of the case before going to court, but there is speculation suggesting any money they can claim for their injuries will come from the malicious tree.

“What is this world coming to when a mother has to be afraid of her kids getting injured by a tree,” Mary-Lou Pact, mother of one of the deceased teenagers said.

For now, the remaining survivors have been spotted congregating in hospital rooms to mourn the loss of their friends and share a ‘fat spliff’.

“If it’s one thing I learned from this whole incident, it’s to never try to change the radio station when you’re driving,” driver Tom Phills said.

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin Enrolls in Taxidermy Course at Community College

Anchorage- Just one week after resigning as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced on national TV that she is enrolling in taxidermy courses at the local community college.

In the middle of an interview with CBS anchor Marty McFly, Palin blurted out the news in response to a question about her professional relationship with John McCain.

“The forest animals won’t judge me the way humans do,” she said, pulling up her hot pink fatigues. “And now I can be close to my family and close to my gun.”

For a public life marred with non-sequiturs, it was no surprise that anything out of the hockey mom’s mouth would lead to confusion and unanswered questions among her circle of supporters and critics.

Anchorage Community College says they are happy to have the ex-governor as part of their student body and will do anything in their power to make the mother of five (possibly 6) comfortable.

“There really is no Taxidermy School on our campus,” ACC Dean Martha Gombalt said. “But we Alaskans feel she [Ms. Palin] should be supervised with a gun while having the opportunity to hone her ‘special’ skills.”

School administrators have also agreed to charge Ms. Palin twice the normal tuition rate as collateral in case she decides to quit before completion of her degree.

Tourist Admits to Not Wearing Flip Flops in Pool Area

Los Angeles – Gretta Ahmen, a tourist staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, tearfully admitted on Wednesday she had been walking around the hotel’s luxurious pool area without the required footwear.

The announcement came in the middle of a poolside party with such notable celebrities as Kate Hudson and Matt Damon, when Ms. Ahmen coerced the DJ to turn off the techno music and grabbed hold of the microphone.

“I am sorry for not wearing my flip flops by the pool,” she said to the confused crowd. “I cannot fiend ignorance for this infraction of the rules. I am responsible for my poor judgment and will do anything in my power to make this right.”

Before Ms. Ahmen was escorted out of the VIP section by security, she agreed to pay extra on her nightly fee and offered to help the cleaning staff the next time they were scheduled to clean the pool area.

“We are impressed that someone would to admit to something so stupid,” hotel manager, Greg Pitekas said. “The pool rules are clearly posted on one of the rafters, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Top Business Schools Teach Students Proper Bathroom Etiquette

National – Corporate complaints have recently spawned a high demand for courses on proper bathroom protocol at top business schools around the country.

Starting in Fall 09, The University of Chicago Booth, NYU Stern, and Stanford University will offer courses on how to properly flush toilets, how to decipher a garbage can from a sink, and what to do when the paper runs out, to give their business school students a leg up on life in corporate America.

Northwestern University Dean Gary Hanns came up with the idea for these mandatory courses after several complaints about interns at high profile corporations.

“Everyone gets so caught up in doing a good job that they forget how to do basic things like flush a toilet,” Hanns said. “This new protocol will only make our graduates stronger, able to face any stubborn toilet around the world.”

Although the new curriculum has not been completely “ironed out”, experts are specifically tailoring lessons with algorithms and catchy tunes for business-minded students.

“With these new skills I can flush my fears down the drain,” Warren Gates, who is matriculating into Stern in the fall said.

Clinton Threatens to Break More Bones if U.S. Does Not Implement Universal Health Care Plan

Washington- Hours after U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow on Wednesday she vowed to break more bones if the government does not implement her long sought after universal health care plan in the next few months.

Clinton was said to have been administered heavy sedatives just minutes before she began yelling expletives and ranting about what this country needs and how she is going to give it to them.

“This is only the beginning of what I am capable of doing,” Clinton spoke from outside The George Washington University Hospital just after she gave her ultimatum to the country. “I have grown in a deep and profound way,” she said in reference to the first grade morphine her health care plan covered.

The remainder of Clinton’s speech was inaudible due to further injections of sedatives on her request and she was said to have finally calmed down once home.

Republicans were quick to respond, claiming that Clinton’s efforts remain futile and only further their stance on why universal coverage is a bad idea.

“Women are so fickle and they always have to go the doctor’s to deal with their cycles and everything, so why should we have to pay for that?” Representative Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) said.

Town Welcomes Friendly Fire

Montana -The people of Great Falls gathered near the Rocky Mountains yesterday, welcoming a friendly fire as it blazed through acres of wilderness.

Firefighters and park workers arrived promptly on the scene, but refused to ‘put out something so nice.’ Instead, they joined forces with the townspeople who made cards and gift baskets for the enthusiastic blaze.

“The fire was just so cute so we wanted to express our gratitude with glitter pens and chocolates,” firefighter Dan Aberman said.

The fire continued traveling north during the early morning hours, obliterating trees, cabins and indigenous species, until it reached Alberta, Canada. Once on Canadian soil, officials from both countries commenced talks to determine the nationality of the fire, visa requirements, and so forth.

Great Falls Mayor, Bill Finniligluck vowed to get the fire back to American soil so it could bring further warm joy to the town.

“The Canadians wouldn’t know what to do with a friendly fire if it bit them in the ass,” Finniligluck said at a town hall that evening.

The locals remained near the Rocky Mountains well into this morning, saying their goodbyes and offering the fire a place to stay if it ever planned on returning.

“It’s hard to let something so nice just blaze out of our lives like that,” resident Bethany Kad choked out between sobs.