Obama Unveils Afghan Plan with G.I. Joe and Power Rangers Action Figures

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama last night enumerated on his war strategy in Afghanistan with the aid of GiJoe and Power Rangers action figures.

The mock set-up was unveiled to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, where Obama represented himself as Captain America and Taliban leaders as Mr. Potato Heads.

“We had to use a Barbie mansion for one of the diorama’s so I ask that American’s use their imagination to see that this is in fact a Taliban training ground.”

There were also pictures of pink army tanks with flowers and nuclear weapons full of flowers drawn by the president’s two daughters Malia and Sasha.

“He knows how to talk to the people in a way that we can understand, using images and drawings to clarify his position on this enduring war that has cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

Obama also stressed the importance of the war in Afghanistan being an ‘international effort’ to which American allies Canada and Germany responded by offering Captain Canada and HaPe – Tasia “Meerjungfrauen-Spielwelt” toys.

Quebec Chef Chastised for Serving Thanksgiving Poutine

Derby Line, VT-An American family chastised a Canadian Chef yesterday when he served them a Thanksgiving poutine at his restaurant along the United States-Canada border.

The Henderson’s car broke down around 5pm on Thursday on their way to a cousin’s house in a neighboring town when they entered the restaurant famished and requested a Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one they were missing.

Canadian Chef Pierre Chammoneuvre modified a Quebec diner staple consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curd and covered with brown gravy to include stuffing, cranberries and pieces of turkey that he presented to the family with warm holiday wishes.

“It was disgusting and a mockery of one of the greatest holidays,” Mr. Henderson said. “The kids were screaming and scared shitless and my wife hasn’t stopped crying since.”

Chammoneuvre says he chose the dish in an effort to bring Americans and Canadians together on the holiday and never expected such an adverse reaction.

“Maybe I overdid the cheese curds and gravy,” he said.

The Henderson’s said they would not press charges and plan on entering therapy to overcome this incident and hopefully reclaim some semblance of their previous life.

“Thanksgiving will never be the same,” Mrs. Henderson said.

German Tourist Outraged by Lack of Dispute at Theater Arts Panel

New York-German Tourist Greta Von Haussen expressed outrage last night at a panel sponsored by NYU’s Journalism Department on the changing landscape of theater and theater reviews.

The panel contained a journalist, a blogger, and a performer, and centered around the impact that “citizen journalists” have on theater reviews and people’s appreciation for the arts—a topic the German tourist could not understand.

After asking several inarticulate and irrelevant questions to the humble panelists, Haussen began screaming and demanding that she see an argument.

“Vhere is ze contradiction? I came to see you arkue but it seems like you just vent to be nice to each other,” Haussen said. “I vant to get my money’s vorth. I vant a real debate.”

The panel assembled as a way for prospective graduate students of NYU’s journalism program to get involved with local media, and offered free tickets and refreshments for the sophisticated audience.

“We were just talking about how the online media affects theater reviews,” confused moderator Bill Sarrmon said.

Free Lube Jobs to Help Fight Homophobia

Starbucks announced yesterday the, get a free lube job with any store purchase to help fight homophobia initiative, after getting on board with a new non-governmental organization (NGO), GayOkay.

American actor, Ben Affleck began the NGO to help bring awareness to the growing homosexual community and provide a springboard for anyone else ‘who wants to give being gay a spin’.

“I am very pleased that Starbucks has agreed to work with me and I guarantee we will see a reduction in homophobia once coffee customers get in line for their free lube jobs,” Affleck told to a crowd of teens outside a Wichita Kansas Starbucks.

For the next few weeks, at Starbucks around the country, gay men will be standing near the condiments section ready to give customers a jolt that no caffeinated beverage will ever provide.

BJ Volunteer, Ed Whites told reporters he is eager to help out in any way and will try his hardest to bring awareness to the hetero community.

“I can hardly contain my excitement at the prospects and if Ben Affleck approves then I know it’s the right thing to do.”

Walmart Offers Gynecological Exams at Check-out Lines

National - The American chain of discount department stores has announced that along with slashing prices on holiday dinner favorites, televisions and other electronics throughout their stores they will begin offering gynecological exams and last-minute medical care to customers waiting in the checkout lines.

The news comes just days after the store cut prices to help compete with other stores like Kmart and Target, who have drastically reduced prices in preparation for the holiday rush.

“I have to wait down at the welfare office for 3 hours every week, I don’t got time to see a doctor, so I can get a quick check-up when I’m in line to buy my cigarettes and ramen noodles.” Walmart shopper Barbie Petucki said.

Walmart spokesperson Seth McFaden says the exams will be performed by GED holders who are equipped with the basic anatomy skills and street smarts to detect the most elusive STD’s and infections.

“They know what a knife or scalpel looks like, and most of our staff has had to perform at least one abortion on their own already so we’re pretty confident in their abilities.”

Democrats Opt for Government-Run Trick-or-Treating

Washington-In an effort to make Halloween safer and more fun for children and adults this year, Democrats opt for government-run trick-or-treating.

The festivities will take place in Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Massachusetts, and will cost tax-payers upwards of $2 million to cover costumes, candy and scary decorations.

White House Halloween Czar Martin Glumpker unveiled this morning the ghost, pumpkin or President Obama costumes celebrants can choose from and explained the list of 58,931 rules to representatives in the three states.

“We will have police officers on every corner around neighborhoods to monitor activity and confiscate any suspicious treats and send them to the lab for testing,” Gumpker said. “And if the results on the candy come back negative, we will return it to the child in 3-6 months.”

President Obama is thrilled with his involvement in this year’s holiday and vows to follow the same procedures as everyone else who is walking in a single file line from house to house.

“This year is going to be safe and fun,” President Obama said adjusting his President Obama mask.

U.S. Pay Czar Demands 50 Cents for Vending Machine

Washington-Kenneth Feinberg, the treasury Department’s special master for compensation was spotted in the Capitol building earlier today demanding 50 cents from passers-by so that he could get a snack out of the vending machine.

He feverishly searched under the machine and on the floor before hurling threats at any government official or tourist who would listen.

“I will not work towards lowering total compensation for the 25 highest-paid employees at seven firms receiving large sums of government aid until I have eaten a bag of Fritos,” he said.

Mr. Feinberg was appointed in June 2009 by the Obama Administration to oversee the compensation of top executives at companies which have received federal bailout assistance, and most of his colleagues agree that he is difficult to work with.

“It’s usually around meal times that he gets arrogant and angry,” Vice President Joe Biden said.
Feinberg remained in the hallway stamping his feet and screaming obscenities until a homeless man dropped two dirty coins at his feet.

“He needed it more than me,” homeless man Bob said swatting the flies away from his body.

Once placated by the high sodium and fat content in the packaged food, Feinberg justified his outburst saying, “I will work effortlessly to ensure that a change machine be placed next to vending machines in 500 of the nation’s biggest corporate firms.”