New York- Area businessman, Dwight Hoover, was electrocuted in his downtown Manhattan office after attempting to get intimate with his virtual assistant, Betty123 last week.
The Cisco employee was testing out the company’s new virtual program before its scheduled launch in 2009, when he claims to have been swept by a feeling of euphoria and a need to caress Betty123.
“When I was leaning over, my waist was parallel with the computer screen and I just felt like Betty123 was so close to me. We shared a passionate kiss and then, well, I guess I blacked out,” Hoover said from a hospital where he was receiving treatment for 1st degree burns to his lips, hands and ass.
A fellow employee found Hoover twitching on the ground shortly after the incident and directed Betty123 to call emergency assistance to the scene.
“The virtual assistant was working fine when I used it,” employee Walt Harngy said. “And I can sure see why anyone would find her attractive.”
Experts from Cisco, the leading supplier of networking equipment and network management for the Internet, will continue to look into this matter to ensure no similar problems arise when the Internet program launches.
“We might have to put a disclaimer on the package or something,” one Cisco employee suggested.
There has been no word yet as to whether Betty123 can/will press sexual harassment charges against Hoover, although other system users believe Betty123 has not been the same since that day.
When asked to comment on the matter, Betty123 said, simply, ‘How can I help you today, sir.’
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Obama Gains Last Minute Military Experience at the Arcade
National-On his way to a press conference in Reno, Nevada Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama stopped into Crown Royal Arcade to try his hand at Battlefield Vietnam and Men of Valor, games he hopes will give him last minute war experience.
After months of debate surrounding the Democratic candidate’s lack of military experience, the Obama campaign thought it would be the best effort of getting him fully up-to-speed with rival John McCain.
“These games are the real deal, with guns and grenades,” Obama spokesman Ray Knickler said. “Now, it’s as if Obama was right there in Vietnam”
Although Obama earned a silver star for his efforts during a machine gun operation on a Huey helicopter in Men of Valor, he had some difficulty maneuvering around the Cambodia Incursion and Fall of Saigon maps in Battlefield Vietnam.
"I believe that I can have a military resume that's as good as any other soldier's," Obama said.
To which a McCain aide retorted, “He may have done everything, but let’s see him pull off an over the hill birthday bash.”
After months of debate surrounding the Democratic candidate’s lack of military experience, the Obama campaign thought it would be the best effort of getting him fully up-to-speed with rival John McCain.
“These games are the real deal, with guns and grenades,” Obama spokesman Ray Knickler said. “Now, it’s as if Obama was right there in Vietnam”
Although Obama earned a silver star for his efforts during a machine gun operation on a Huey helicopter in Men of Valor, he had some difficulty maneuvering around the Cambodia Incursion and Fall of Saigon maps in Battlefield Vietnam.
"I believe that I can have a military resume that's as good as any other soldier's," Obama said.
To which a McCain aide retorted, “He may have done everything, but let’s see him pull off an over the hill birthday bash.”
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Programmer Claims to See Computer Soul
New York – Computer programmer Horatio Sanchez, claims to have seen his computer’s soul while writing company codes from his downtown Manhattan office late Monday night.
The LinksX employee maintains that while staring blankly into his computer screen he heard holy voices whispering an angelic tune and saw deeply into the computer’s spirit.
“I was waiting for a program to re-boot, then all I could see was white and it was like the computer screen was sucking me in,” Sanchez said.
The man immediately went unconscious and two of his colleagues rushed to his aid.
“We tried to help him up and he was pointing at the computer screen and we looked, and, oh God,” LinksX employee George Weatherby managed under a stream of tears. “Forgive me Father, I’ve looked at so much porn on the Internet.”
LinksX is an online trading system that liaises with international banks and has locations in the New York, London and China.
After word of Sanchez’s spiritual experience reached the media, LinksX CEO Fred Macky sent out a press release denying any particular corporate religious leaning, stating, “our company has as much clemency on employees’ religious practices as it does on the use of drugs and alcohol.”
The LinksX employee maintains that while staring blankly into his computer screen he heard holy voices whispering an angelic tune and saw deeply into the computer’s spirit.
“I was waiting for a program to re-boot, then all I could see was white and it was like the computer screen was sucking me in,” Sanchez said.
The man immediately went unconscious and two of his colleagues rushed to his aid.
“We tried to help him up and he was pointing at the computer screen and we looked, and, oh God,” LinksX employee George Weatherby managed under a stream of tears. “Forgive me Father, I’ve looked at so much porn on the Internet.”
LinksX is an online trading system that liaises with international banks and has locations in the New York, London and China.
After word of Sanchez’s spiritual experience reached the media, LinksX CEO Fred Macky sent out a press release denying any particular corporate religious leaning, stating, “our company has as much clemency on employees’ religious practices as it does on the use of drugs and alcohol.”
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Wrist Broken at International Yo-Yo Competition
New York – Two-time champion of the International Yo-Yo Open Dunkin Romebucks broke his wrist while attempting to wow the judges with the Shoot the Moon yo-yo trick.
The move, labeled advanced by yo-yo standards, is a forward pass followed by a continual flick of the wrist in a semicircular motion while looping the yo-yo in and out of one’s legs. It was during the combined leg and arm movement that Romebucks’ wrist gave out.
“Man down, man down,” one of the security guards yelled upon noticing Romebucks flaccid wrist.
The athlete remained in stable condition while paramedics attempted to lead him through the rows of competitors who dared not stop for “anything or anyone”.
“They said he went unconscious because he was hit with so many yo-yos while getting out of the gym,” competitor Ralph Nastereen remembered. “and the rules clearly state that you can not stop for anyone or anything..”
The move, labeled advanced by yo-yo standards, is a forward pass followed by a continual flick of the wrist in a semicircular motion while looping the yo-yo in and out of one’s legs. It was during the combined leg and arm movement that Romebucks’ wrist gave out.
“Man down, man down,” one of the security guards yelled upon noticing Romebucks flaccid wrist.
The athlete remained in stable condition while paramedics attempted to lead him through the rows of competitors who dared not stop for “anything or anyone”.
“They said he went unconscious because he was hit with so many yo-yos while getting out of the gym,” competitor Ralph Nastereen remembered. “and the rules clearly state that you can not stop for anyone or anything..”
Romebucks is recovering in Cherry Tree Hospital while preparing yo-yo toe tricks in the hopes of re-entering the competition in 2009.
“Yo-yo go,” Romebucks said, staring at the yo-yo hanging by a string from his toe in the hospital bed.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
John McCain Caught Drinking Blood
MO - An Associated Press photographer captured McCain behind the scenes at a rally in Cassville yesterday, gulping down a 2-litre bottle of clearly labeled Blood Juice, creating a circus of questions around McCain and his campaign aids.
Other spectators have come forward to express their eerie concerns for the presumptive Republican candidate, claiming he always avoids garlic foods and maintains late-night hours.
“I think this country needs a Black president before it can handle anything like a vampire in the White House,” Missouri Democrat Leonor K. Sullivan said.
McCain aids continue denying the validity of the photos, adding, “If anyone is a vampire, it should not be allowed to adopt a child,” to cheers from senior Republican voters.
Blood Juice is a trademark of Coca-Cola, and was first produced as a fuel-booster for marathon-running vampires. It banned in 1806 in all states except Louisiana. Mississippi, and California, where it can be found in most independently-owned headshops and gas stations along dirt roads.
The juice is a mixture of 78 percent pig, cow and human blood, 20 percent high fructose corn syrup and 2 percent water.
Other spectators have come forward to express their eerie concerns for the presumptive Republican candidate, claiming he always avoids garlic foods and maintains late-night hours.
“I think this country needs a Black president before it can handle anything like a vampire in the White House,” Missouri Democrat Leonor K. Sullivan said.
McCain aids continue denying the validity of the photos, adding, “If anyone is a vampire, it should not be allowed to adopt a child,” to cheers from senior Republican voters.
Blood Juice is a trademark of Coca-Cola, and was first produced as a fuel-booster for marathon-running vampires. It banned in 1806 in all states except Louisiana. Mississippi, and California, where it can be found in most independently-owned headshops and gas stations along dirt roads.
The juice is a mixture of 78 percent pig, cow and human blood, 20 percent high fructose corn syrup and 2 percent water.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
NY Police Force Training all Officers Not to Fear Unarmed Black Men
New York- The New York Police Department will train all officers not to be afraid of unarmed black men, police chief Wiggum announced Monday on the steps of City Hall.
The new measure is due to the excess of deaths in metropolitan areas where white police officers are shooting at innocent black men who are helping old ladies carry groceries home or leading school children safely across a busy street.
“Truth be told, our boys are afraid,” Chief Wiggum said in an interview following the announcement. “Even the black officers.”
A recent study on the matter suggests the majority of officers are ignorant of the communication skills needed to exchange a few words with another of the human race, without the use of a defense mechanism.
Training sessions will include 5 hours of speech therapy per week and another 3 hours per week of TV time, where the officers will watch episodes of the Cosby Show and Family Matters to help them adapt to another ethnic group.
“Hello, my name is Lieutenant Denmarc,” an officer attempted at the latest training session, holding back an impulse to pull out his weapon. The neophyte continued with basic sentences for a few minutes before cutting one of the speech therapists’ throats out of fear of speaking to a woman.
The new measure is due to the excess of deaths in metropolitan areas where white police officers are shooting at innocent black men who are helping old ladies carry groceries home or leading school children safely across a busy street.
“Truth be told, our boys are afraid,” Chief Wiggum said in an interview following the announcement. “Even the black officers.”
A recent study on the matter suggests the majority of officers are ignorant of the communication skills needed to exchange a few words with another of the human race, without the use of a defense mechanism.
Training sessions will include 5 hours of speech therapy per week and another 3 hours per week of TV time, where the officers will watch episodes of the Cosby Show and Family Matters to help them adapt to another ethnic group.
“Hello, my name is Lieutenant Denmarc,” an officer attempted at the latest training session, holding back an impulse to pull out his weapon. The neophyte continued with basic sentences for a few minutes before cutting one of the speech therapists’ throats out of fear of speaking to a woman.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Dominos Pizza To Take White House Off Do Not Deliver List
WASHINGTON - Domino’s Pizza Enterprises announced Friday that it would act to remove the White House from its do not deliver list after a nine years block on the presidential address.White House officials were offered menus and refrigerator magnets from the pizza delivery company, who expressed appreciation for finally coming to common terms with issues such as abortion and Domino’s 30 minutes or less guarantee.
“This is a great day in American history,” Domino’s Chairman and CEO David Brandon said, placing his arm around a woman in a pizza costume. “Mr. President, we are thrilled to finally be able to extend our delivery services to you and your staff.”
The White House was on Domino’s top ten delivery list until Bill Clinton moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and began spreading pro-choice propaganda. White House officials also came under fire with the pizza company when they refused to pay for their order under claims that the delivery took longer than the company’s famous ‘30 minutes guarantee.’
In response to be welcomed into the Domino’s Pizza family, a presidential official had this to say: “We hope that one day every man, woman and child will be able to order their very own pizza from Domino’s and option for a side of breadsticks or 2-liter bottle of Coke.”
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