Funding Sought for U.S. Panty Raid

Washington – The U.S. government is currently seeking funding for its new Panty Raid Program, which will allow consumers to trade-in their used panties, jock straps and brassieres for more green undergarments.

Department stores began offering government-backed rebates last week of up to $30.00 to consumers who trade-in their padded bras and extra-hard jock straps for more natural underclothes.

“We will take your old, your poor and your soiled underwear,” one store window sign read.

This follows with President Barack Obama’s environmentally conscious administration, that says companies like Fruit of the Loom and Victoria’s Secret are being wasteful with the planet’s resources for cotton and other natural fibers.

“I won’t stop until everyone is stripped of excess undergarments,” President Obama said to a crowd of young women who waved their bras in the air. “If we can fit three people into one pair of underwear, then I know I am doing my job right.”

Members of nudist colonies across the nation have lined up to demand recognition for their environmentally friendly ways and tax breaks on heating costs in the wintertime.

“It’s a natural lifestyle, but it gets damn cold in the wintertime,” Nudist chuck Norise said.

U.S. Condemns Soldiers for not Using Hanky

KABUL- The U.S. military denounced on Tuesday American soldiers stationed throughout Afghanistan for not properly concealing their germs after they sneeze.

The information on regiments’ lack of hygiene oozed out after dozens of infantries fell sick en route to attack a small town, but were instead bed-ridden. The cold strain also spread to opposing soldiers and civilians in the towns of Balkh and Dey-E-Bagh.

"This is a real problem.” Col. Sanders said folding red, white, and blue handkerchiefs, “Innocent people are getting sick and dying from our germs and that’s not the way to fight a war.”

The U.S. military has begun taking measures to enforce new safety codes in all their battalions offering soldiers hand sanitizer and boxes of tissues and posting signs around the barracks, with friendly reminders like, wipe your nose before you touch a gun.

Feeling sorry for disrupting a war by spreading their germs, several ailing U.S. soldiers shipped attached gift baskets filled with chicken soup, Kleenex boxes and herbal tea to terrorist groups stationed in Afghanistan.

“We’ve got a war to fight out there, and if both sides are sick as dogs, we’re not doing our jobs right.”

New York Doormen Still Waiting For Sidewalk to Grow

New York City door attendants, notorious for hosing down sidewalks in the early morning hours, are fed up that their concrete has not grown, and announced an initiative to promote sidewalk proliferation.

“Concrete America,” had their first meeting last night on the city’s Upper West Side, where doormen and maintenance workers shared their experience being amateur ‘white thumbs’ and spoke of their hopes for the future.

“I see a world with concrete as far as the eye can see, that grows out of the ground like vegetables, where little kids can roll around on it and play,” sidewalk hoser Sam Redkin said from the podium.

The doormen concluded that they would achieve their goals by following in the footsteps of the green initiative and offering seminars on where concrete came from as well as tips on how to maintain a healthy sidewalk. Some even spoke of opening a store that sells sidewalk production tools, like sidewalk buffers and mowers, hoes, rakes and cement mixtures and food.

“Someday, I’m going to mow this sidewalk,” 224 W. 90th doorman, Larry Mack said, scraping his hand along the rough surface.

Lone Tree Responsible for Three-Car Pile-Up

Tempeh – A twelve-foot Chorisia insignis tree along interstate 40 in Arizona is being charged with murder after causing a three-car pile-up that left four dead and three others injured.

All of the victims were good friends, returning home from a peyote party in the desert when someone in the first car realized they were heading for a tree. Most assumed what they saw was a hallucination, but reality was confirmed after it was too late.

“It was a total buzz kill,” Wendy Sparks spoke through her ventilator. “I was paying attention to the dancing teeth in the waves, then wham—“

Lawyers are currently trying to work out the details of the case before going to court, but there is speculation suggesting any money they can claim for their injuries will come from the malicious tree.

“What is this world coming to when a mother has to be afraid of her kids getting injured by a tree,” Mary-Lou Pact, mother of one of the deceased teenagers said.

For now, the remaining survivors have been spotted congregating in hospital rooms to mourn the loss of their friends and share a ‘fat spliff’.

“If it’s one thing I learned from this whole incident, it’s to never try to change the radio station when you’re driving,” driver Tom Phills said.

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin Enrolls in Taxidermy Course at Community College

Anchorage- Just one week after resigning as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced on national TV that she is enrolling in taxidermy courses at the local community college.

In the middle of an interview with CBS anchor Marty McFly, Palin blurted out the news in response to a question about her professional relationship with John McCain.

“The forest animals won’t judge me the way humans do,” she said, pulling up her hot pink fatigues. “And now I can be close to my family and close to my gun.”

For a public life marred with non-sequiturs, it was no surprise that anything out of the hockey mom’s mouth would lead to confusion and unanswered questions among her circle of supporters and critics.

Anchorage Community College says they are happy to have the ex-governor as part of their student body and will do anything in their power to make the mother of five (possibly 6) comfortable.

“There really is no Taxidermy School on our campus,” ACC Dean Martha Gombalt said. “But we Alaskans feel she [Ms. Palin] should be supervised with a gun while having the opportunity to hone her ‘special’ skills.”

School administrators have also agreed to charge Ms. Palin twice the normal tuition rate as collateral in case she decides to quit before completion of her degree.

Tourist Admits to Not Wearing Flip Flops in Pool Area

Los Angeles – Gretta Ahmen, a tourist staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, tearfully admitted on Wednesday she had been walking around the hotel’s luxurious pool area without the required footwear.

The announcement came in the middle of a poolside party with such notable celebrities as Kate Hudson and Matt Damon, when Ms. Ahmen coerced the DJ to turn off the techno music and grabbed hold of the microphone.

“I am sorry for not wearing my flip flops by the pool,” she said to the confused crowd. “I cannot fiend ignorance for this infraction of the rules. I am responsible for my poor judgment and will do anything in my power to make this right.”

Before Ms. Ahmen was escorted out of the VIP section by security, she agreed to pay extra on her nightly fee and offered to help the cleaning staff the next time they were scheduled to clean the pool area.

“We are impressed that someone would to admit to something so stupid,” hotel manager, Greg Pitekas said. “The pool rules are clearly posted on one of the rafters, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Top Business Schools Teach Students Proper Bathroom Etiquette

National – Corporate complaints have recently spawned a high demand for courses on proper bathroom protocol at top business schools around the country.

Starting in Fall 09, The University of Chicago Booth, NYU Stern, and Stanford University will offer courses on how to properly flush toilets, how to decipher a garbage can from a sink, and what to do when the paper runs out, to give their business school students a leg up on life in corporate America.

Northwestern University Dean Gary Hanns came up with the idea for these mandatory courses after several complaints about interns at high profile corporations.

“Everyone gets so caught up in doing a good job that they forget how to do basic things like flush a toilet,” Hanns said. “This new protocol will only make our graduates stronger, able to face any stubborn toilet around the world.”

Although the new curriculum has not been completely “ironed out”, experts are specifically tailoring lessons with algorithms and catchy tunes for business-minded students.

“With these new skills I can flush my fears down the drain,” Warren Gates, who is matriculating into Stern in the fall said.