Funding Sought for U.S. Panty Raid

Washington – The U.S. government is currently seeking funding for its new Panty Raid Program, which will allow consumers to trade-in their used panties, jock straps and brassieres for more green undergarments.

Department stores began offering government-backed rebates last week of up to $30.00 to consumers who trade-in their padded bras and extra-hard jock straps for more natural underclothes.

“We will take your old, your poor and your soiled underwear,” one store window sign read.

This follows with President Barack Obama’s environmentally conscious administration, that says companies like Fruit of the Loom and Victoria’s Secret are being wasteful with the planet’s resources for cotton and other natural fibers.

“I won’t stop until everyone is stripped of excess undergarments,” President Obama said to a crowd of young women who waved their bras in the air. “If we can fit three people into one pair of underwear, then I know I am doing my job right.”

Members of nudist colonies across the nation have lined up to demand recognition for their environmentally friendly ways and tax breaks on heating costs in the wintertime.

“It’s a natural lifestyle, but it gets damn cold in the wintertime,” Nudist chuck Norise said.