Hell - Satan and his army of demons finalized a plan on Wednesday meant to make it easier for the dead to be forced into excruciating medical procedures and be exposed to noxious medicines and gases while undergoing treatment in the underworld.The regulations spell out more clearly which experimental medicines are legal for demons to use on the dead and clarifies obligatory payments that most residents of Hell lack.
“I want to ensure that souls are as miserable as possible as they are burning for all eternity,” the devil announced in a statement broadcasted to Earth’s surface. “We are working on creating Hellcare cards to ensure that people do not get the coverage they need, but the torture we think they deserve.”
Recently Hellcare providers have been springing up throughout the underworld to provide the dead with an infinite amount of pain and suffering at soaring prices with seemingly no end to the horror.
In the town of Burn, residents gathered in the sea of snakes and piranhas to hear the news.
“Ahh, it hurts. The pain, the pain,” resident Dominique Flarten said.
Once news of the underworld reached the surface of the world, humans from across the globe began picketing and demanding similar guarantees and reform from their officials.
Georgetown University Sociology major Teddy Buckington organized a rally outside of the White House, lauding Satan's efforts and demanding that Americans be given healthcare as good as Hell's.
“Hellcare is all we have to live for anymore,” Buckington said.
1 comment:
Sign me up. Great one :D
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