Pre-Teen Repeatedly Beat White House Officials at Game of Battleship

At this past year’s “Take Your Daughter To Work Day,” 12 year old Grace LaMontagne proved that her basic strategy skills are more efficient than most US officials when she repeatedly beat cabinet members at the Milton Bradley game Battleship.

Grace LaMontagne arrived at the White House with her mother, Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings first thing on the morning of April 24 to observe and help tackle the day-to-day tasks at the White House.

Other White House employees had their children on the premises for the day and quickly put them to work regulating peace talks with the Middle East and overseeing National Security.

“They all seemed as competent as our interns and willing to work. But not Miss LaMontagne.” Department of Defence Secretary Robert M. Gates said. At mid-morning he found the young girl rummaging through White House drawers and complaining of boredom. To placate the child, Gates asked what she wanted to do.

That was when little Madeline pulled out travel Battleship, a 2-player game involving military strategy and guessing skills.

To make the game “more fair” Gates suggested they create teams and asked 4 of his colleagues to enter into a Battleship alliance.

With the swiftness of a lion, Madeline sank their destroyer in under 2 minutes. Then using, basic logic skills and hand-eye coordination, the young girl was able to blow up her opponent’s PT Boat and Submarine.

Game pieces were thrown in frustration and Vice President Cheney mistakingly got an Aircraft Carrier lodged up his nose. Fights broke out among players and Rice pleaded with Madeline for a re-match.

Due to cheating accusations during the preceding games, Madeline eventually had to “put the game away.”

The horrendous losses at a game, which recent poll members believe to be fairly easy for anyone above 12 years of age, has brought into question the adroitness of country leaders.

“The White House does not play games and we can not admit anyone onto the premises who believes otherwise,” President Bush said during a press conference following the pitiful defeats.

“But I do like the idea of putting kids to work.”

Song That Never Ends Is Finally Over

Wyoming-88 year old Frank Mendelsberg, who holds the Guinness World Record for the longest rendition of “The Song That Never Ends” by writer/composer Norman Martin, died this morning.

The death occurred at 4:52 AM, when Mendelsberg choked on a cracker during his 26,298th hour of singing the song.

“He sang alternating gasps of air with crackers when he got hungry,” one fan during his 2007 concert in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania recounted. “And he would nap during the four part beats after the words ends and friends.”

The Guinness World Records board had placed Mendelsberg in their book in 2006, and presented the recorder-holder with a congratulatory plaque and cash prize at that year’s ceremony, drawing questions as to why the man was still singing the song 3 years later.

“Most people just take their cash prize and get on with their life.” a spokesperson for Guinness commented. “We never explicitly told him to stop, but it was assumed that he would.”

Mendelsberg began singing the song while entertaining his 4 year old niece on the evening of January 4, 2006. And, due to the infinetly recursive verse and head trauma caused during the Vietnam War, Mendelsberg was unable to locate a break or end to the song, thus singing it continuously.

Area Woman Refuses to Get Rid of Disgusting Fucking Purse

New York-Lauren Delanoe, 29, refuses to get rid of the disgusting fucking purse that she has been using to transport her schoolbooks, laptop and important documents in for the past 10 years—despite the fact that it’s destroying her relationship with boyfriend, Frank Wemner.

The once baby blue sac is soaked with oil and coffee stains, and the Velcro has worn off the outer pocket, causing the bag to whimsically flap open in the wind.

“She looks like a homeless person with that bag,” says Wemner, who has been buying Delanoe new name-brand bags since their 8-year relationship started. “Lauren says that fucking bag has still got some life in it, so she won’t change.”

Wemner further stated that most people inch away from his girlfriend at parties and on public transportation, attesting to a strange, dead fish-like odor emitting from the polyester. He says that social situations are definelty awkward and she can’t even find a job.

On a recent interview, Leo Burnett was ready to hire her as the new Advertising Representative. But, when Manager Christian Kent noticed Delanoe’s bag, he reconsidered his options.

“When she placed the company profile packet into that disgusting blue bag, I was a bit leery of how she might represent the company.”

Despite continual protestations, Delanoe remains in a state of contentment. “I like my bag,” she commented.

Bush Plans on Making Education More Accessible to Americans

Washington — At the latest meeting of the U.S. Department of Education, President Bush took matters into his own hands, assuring Americans of the bright future that lies ahead: beginning next fall, he said, archaic classes including math and English will be replaced by Barista Labs and Celebrity History, courses that will prove to be more necessary in our progressive society.

“Nothing is more boring, than writing out math long hand when a calculator or an accountant works just as good,” Mr. Bush said, squeezing in a place setting for himself at the head of a table during the Department of Education’s quarterly dinner party Wednesday night. He added that every American student’s mind should be “filled with the future,” instead of equations and grammar rules that computers can fix for us.

Department of Education Secretary Spellings explained later that the aim of the plan was to “look for more effective ways to improve America’s school system,” and admitted she was not exactly sure what the president was talking about or what he was doing at the banquet.

Since Bush’s No Child Left Behind plan left the majority of America’s youth in the dust, the president has been trying to pick up the pieces and give Americans hope for the future, ignoring the reasoning of his cabinet members.

During the banquet Spellings also recalled how Bush mentioned turning science labs into latte labs, an idea that only raised eyebrows and led to confusion.

Spellings concluded, “My niece has been working part time at Starbucks while attending MIT. But now, what’s the point of an engineering degree?”

Al-Qaida Launches Its Own Line of Apparel

The highly publicized terrorist group Al-Qaida unveiled its new line of contemporary clothing and accessories to the world Friday, including pants with rip-n-go hand grenade pockets and biohazard-suits with inner-lining periodic tables and fireproof gloves.

Retired terrorist and clothing designer Hurayth Quu says he came up with the Al clothing line after overhearing ill-dressed terrorists reminiscing attacks gone wrong.

“I remember thinking that the cause of their failure had something to do with their outside appearance.” Quu said from his clothing factory in Afghanistan. “I wanted to create a fashionable line of clothing to make sure terrorists are fully equipped and looking good on the job.”

By tapping into a group that holds a questionable reputation, Al has quickly become the epitome of chic for terrorists who hope to change the look of their legacy. And since the line’s first appearance, Terrorists In Training have been crowding the camp’s student cafeteria next to Quu’s factory, hoping they can be the next fashion icon before being the next explosive device.

“This new line of clothing doesn’t make us look so bad,” TIT Ismail said just seconds before he blew up.

Mr. Quu first attracted notice when he viscously beheaded 3 government officials in London, wearing a gold-plated vest and bell-bottoms, with fireproof platform shoes. His glamorous appearance served as a wink at the cult personality forming around the man voted best-dressed terrorist 3 years in a row.

“I didn’t get into terrorism to just be like everyone else.” Quu said. “Anyone can bomb a building, but I’m here to make a difference.”

With his explosive clothing line, Quu is making a difference in the way terrorists look, and the economy in the Middle East is blowing up with profits.

Investors hope the clothing line will spread like anthrax and envision future store openings in Japan and Europe.

Man Dies After Refusing to Engage in Somewhat Homosexual Act

Paris-Last Monday, 34 year old Philippe Mandeau died when he fell off the back of a motorcycle after refusing to grab hold of the driver’s waist, claiming the act was “too homosexual.”

Just as the motorcycle circled the arc de triomphe at 30kmph, driver Guillaume Borisot suggested Mandeau grab hold of his waist to ensure safety around the sharp turn. When the passenger refused, opting to cling to the metal bar on the back of the seat, Borisot carried on, weaving in and out of traffic.

As Borisot picked up speed, Mandeau slid off the bike and into oncoming traffic.

“We were best friends since childhood, and he always had this fear that people would think of him as gay.”

Borisot, who attests to his own heterosexuality, says none of this would have happened if homosexual stereotypes were not so prevalent in society.

“It’s a shame that the world stereotypes a man’s behavior like that.” Borisot said, glancing at a stack of Flava Men magazines on his coffee table. “If they didn’t, my friend wouldn’t be dead.”

In honor of Philippe Mandeau, Borisot has started a fund for the Mental Rehabilitation of Clearly Un-gay Men. The fund will collect money for heterosexual men who need to purchase “manly” items such as hammers, footballs, and Die Hard DVD’s to justify their sexuality devoid of mental calamity.

Borisot added: “The MRCUM is a place not only to justify who you are, but an understanding environment where everyone can share feelings and sem—see movies.”

New Airline Regulations to include Handcuffing Passengers

Major airlines including Continental, American and Southwest, will soon be handcuffing passengers to avoid any in-flight disruptions or potential harm to crew members, a safety measure that experts say will make for safer, more enjoyable plane travel.

Steel-n-Girder Metal Corporation has already started manufacturing the cotton-padded handcuffs, which will be conveniently located in every back seat pocket for passengers to apply, and flight attendants to securely lock just before take-off.

“We decorate these same handcuffs with pink feathers and sell them to sex toy shops,” said
Steel-n-Girder CEO Thomas Chodak. “And we’ve received a pretty good response as to their effectiveness.”

To further acclimatize this new safety measure, adjustments will also be made to the food and lavatories in airplanes. Snack favorite Little Debbie has already started producing a line of sip-up meals including steak and potatoes and fish and chips, while medical companies are working on disposable catheters.

“We have to be willing to do whatever it takes to keep our skis safe,” flight attendant Patricia Gottlieb commented.

Although critics feel human liberties are being threatened at a price they don’t want to pay anyway, the consensus is that if it makes us safer—and ‘thwarts terrorists,’ as President Bush added in a recent, speech on the matter—then we should do it.