Hurricane Jimena Contracts Swine Flu in Mexico

Los Cabos – Hurricane Jimena weakened after slamming Mexico’s Baja California peninsula with howling winds and torrential rain on Wednesday, but quickly degenerated when it began suffering from swine flu symptoms including lethargy, burning eye and dizziness.

The dangerous category 4 storm was 65 miles south-southeast of Cabo San Lazaro and moving north-northwest when citizens learned of its medical condition and stepped out of their homes in 105mph winds to leave cans of chicken noodle soup and chamomile tea for the hurricane.

“I tried to take his [Jimena’s] temperature, but he just threw me to the ground,” Los Cabos resident Rafael Carlos Rosadda said. “My uncle’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law had Swine Flu last year, and I would not wish that on any one,”

The Mexican government is trying to treat Jimena’s case of Swine Flu like any other, but thus far has had little success in quarantining the tempest.

“I do not understand why he won’t take our medical advice. It is a very sick and stupid hurricane.” Dr. Angel Cardonnes said.

Michelle Obama Says Healthcare Debate is Ruining her Sex life

Washington - During a recent meeting between President Barack Obama and Congress, First Lady Michelle stormed the stage and grabbed hold of the microphone took hold of the microphone, entreating officials to make a decision so her and the president could focus on personal issues, tertiary to healthcare.

“My husband is completely drained of energy by night time and a lady, even the first lady, has her sexual needs too,” she said before White House security offered her a xanax.

She went on explain the salubrious benefits of sex, and advocated intercourse as a key to fixing healthcare in America.

“I don’t know about you, but I put on my White House teddy and wait for Barack in the oval office, and when he comes in I just want to rip that suit off of him and—“Mrs. Obama began to slur her words as the medication took effect.

A crowd of women gathered at the White House gates along with their reluctant partners, to listen to the speech over TV monitors on the lawn.

“Umhum girlfriend,” DC resident Daria Thompson said smacking her husband’s on the shoulder.

When asked about his wife’s outburst and the low libido allegations, President Obama had this to say, “Well, you know what they say about black men.”

Air Force Holds Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber

Washington - The United States Air Force held a bake sale outside the Pentagon yesterday to raise money to purchase a long sought-after B-1 Lancer bomber.

From 10am to 3PM, a squadron of officers sold chocolate chip cookies, apple pies, snicker doodles, and ‘fudge packer’ cupcakes (a specialty of Second Lieutenant Gaspecks) at reasonable prices from the side of the road.

“I beat those eggs just like I’m going to beat those Iraqi’s,” Airman Roy Chimiko said of cooking preparations. “And I’ll defend, and protect my snicker doodles anywhere, at anytime,” he finished with a salute.

Sales on the baked goods remained steady throughout the morning until neighborhood kids set up their lemonade stand across the street and began stealing customers who preferred a cool beverage on the hot summer day. Sales on the Air Force’s baked goods resumed, however after Corporal Buddy Holmes threatened the 8-year olds with a M120 120 mm mortar.

“We had to apply our mission in the armed services to this bake sale and dominate enemy operations in all dimensions,” Holmes said. “Bake, fight, win.”

Profits from the bake sale topped off at $58.03, a mere 1/9689th of the price of their prized bomber, forcing the men to take further action. Next weekend the Air Force will hold a raffle and talent show where Second Lieutenant Gaspecks will woo the crowd with his gun swallowing.

Other fundraising ideas include a car wash, Tupperware parties, and Bingo.

Satan Announces New Hellcare Plan

Hell - Satan and his army of demons finalized a plan on Wednesday meant to make it easier for the dead to be forced into excruciating medical procedures and be exposed to noxious medicines and gases while undergoing treatment in the underworld.

The regulations spell out more clearly which experimental medicines are legal for demons to use on the dead and clarifies obligatory payments that most residents of Hell lack.

“I want to ensure that souls are as miserable as possible as they are burning for all eternity,” the devil announced in a statement broadcasted to Earth’s surface. “We are working on creating Hellcare cards to ensure that people do not get the coverage they need, but the torture we think they deserve.”

Recently Hellcare providers have been springing up throughout the underworld to provide the dead with an infinite amount of pain and suffering at soaring prices with seemingly no end to the horror.

In the town of Burn, residents gathered in the sea of snakes and piranhas to hear the news.
“Ahh, it hurts. The pain, the pain,” resident Dominique Flarten said.

Once news of the underworld reached the surface of the world, humans from across the globe began picketing and demanding similar guarantees and reform from their officials.

Georgetown University Sociology major Teddy Buckington organized a rally outside of the White House, lauding Satan's efforts and demanding that Americans be given healthcare as good as Hell's.

“Hellcare is all we have to live for anymore,” Buckington said.

Bill Clinton Teaches Kim Jong-Il Yoga during Recent Visit

Pyongyang - During a recent visit to North Korea where Clinton tried to win freedom for two jailed American journalists, the former U.S. President showed Jong-Il the healing power of yoga.

Upon first seeing the leader, Clinton said he looked ‘stressed out’ and ‘needed to loosen up’ and offered to teach him some basic yoga techniques in a back room of his palace.

“You have to free yourself before you can help anyone else,” Clinton said from a down dog position in a spandex jumper.

Kim Jong-Il, whose health has recently been in decline, expressed thanks to Clinton for helping him engage in a more salubrious lifestyle involving meditation and flexible postures. However, the ailing leader’s views on nuclear proliferation and American ties remain rigid.

After a guided five-minute meditation, Jong-Il declined to comment on the purpose of Clinton’s trip and only had this to say, “Our nucwear weapons weew kiw Amewican yoga pweepwe.”

Funding Sought for U.S. Panty Raid

Washington – The U.S. government is currently seeking funding for its new Panty Raid Program, which will allow consumers to trade-in their used panties, jock straps and brassieres for more green undergarments.

Department stores began offering government-backed rebates last week of up to $30.00 to consumers who trade-in their padded bras and extra-hard jock straps for more natural underclothes.

“We will take your old, your poor and your soiled underwear,” one store window sign read.

This follows with President Barack Obama’s environmentally conscious administration, that says companies like Fruit of the Loom and Victoria’s Secret are being wasteful with the planet’s resources for cotton and other natural fibers.

“I won’t stop until everyone is stripped of excess undergarments,” President Obama said to a crowd of young women who waved their bras in the air. “If we can fit three people into one pair of underwear, then I know I am doing my job right.”

Members of nudist colonies across the nation have lined up to demand recognition for their environmentally friendly ways and tax breaks on heating costs in the wintertime.

“It’s a natural lifestyle, but it gets damn cold in the wintertime,” Nudist chuck Norise said.

U.S. Condemns Soldiers for not Using Hanky

KABUL- The U.S. military denounced on Tuesday American soldiers stationed throughout Afghanistan for not properly concealing their germs after they sneeze.

The information on regiments’ lack of hygiene oozed out after dozens of infantries fell sick en route to attack a small town, but were instead bed-ridden. The cold strain also spread to opposing soldiers and civilians in the towns of Balkh and Dey-E-Bagh.

"This is a real problem.” Col. Sanders said folding red, white, and blue handkerchiefs, “Innocent people are getting sick and dying from our germs and that’s not the way to fight a war.”

The U.S. military has begun taking measures to enforce new safety codes in all their battalions offering soldiers hand sanitizer and boxes of tissues and posting signs around the barracks, with friendly reminders like, wipe your nose before you touch a gun.

Feeling sorry for disrupting a war by spreading their germs, several ailing U.S. soldiers shipped attached gift baskets filled with chicken soup, Kleenex boxes and herbal tea to terrorist groups stationed in Afghanistan.

“We’ve got a war to fight out there, and if both sides are sick as dogs, we’re not doing our jobs right.”