Homeland Security Makes Fashion Top Priority

New York City - Renowned department store Century 21 is slated to receive a grant of $12m from the Department of Homeland Security in a new initiative called, “cover-your ass security.”

The proposal comes after reports were unveiled suspecting the store of being a breeding ground for terrorists who seek top quality designer fashion at extensive discount prices while desiring to annihilate the very principles this country was founded on.

“We must keep our designer fashions at discount prices safe,” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said showing off his new Armani suit outside of City Hall early this morning. “Our country prides itself on cheap clothes, and we must defend these objects with all our power.”

The “cover-your ass security” initiative involves an extensive network of security cameras, robots, weapons-detectors and clothing purchase profiling.

“We know that most anti-Americans buy pima cotton and fondue pots, so we have to discriminate against anyone who makes that kind of a purchase,” Manager Frank Smarts said. “And because it’s easy to spot a terrorist by the clothes they wear, we will program our terrorist identifying robots to attack and arrest any customer wearing terrorist clothes.”

The Department of Homeland Security is also considering more funding to ensure other American staples like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Burger King, and Seven Eleven remain safe from terrorism.

New Online Dating Site for Sex Offenders

New York – Rapeume.com is a new website designed specifically for sex offenders around the country to socialize and romanticize among their peers.

The website culls information from state sex-offender registries into profiles that viewers can browse to gauge compatibility with other rapists and pedophiles. The website also offers dating tips on how to have a romantic dinner while on house arrest and what to do when he says no.

New York State registered sex offender Harold Herman developed the site in August to help him cultivate relationships among his peers.

“I’ve never had much luck with romance,” Herman said in a recent interview. “but it makes it easier if everything is consensual.”

The site has accumulated much interest in its nascence, with around 230,000 registered users logging in daily to view profiles or message one another. The more enthusiastic users have augmented the website to include fetish chat rooms and meet-and-greet sessions playfully called gang bangs.

The new website had some law makers questioning the soundness of socialization among the nation’s outcast, but those views are changing as the numbers of rapes and molestations decreases.

In a recent press conference on the matter, New York official Warren McFly said, “As long as we shove them into a dark corner of society with the smokers and alcoholics, I don’t see any problem with it.”

President Ahmadinejad Enters Therapy to Diffuse Aggression, Not WMD’s

Tehran –Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently began therapy for his anger issues and discovered that his aggressive nature is linked to not having a G.I. Joe action figure in his youth.

Ahmadinejad started therapy after receiving such a negative response from other nations about his actions and demeanor and being told—on countless occasions—to “lighten up,” by cabinet members.

“I not so good with talking to any people, especially the ladies” Ahmadinejad said during an online video conference. “Therapy make me stronger, better man and teach me to accept childhood with no toys.”

A staff of six highly trained psychologists and psychiatrists have been working with the president around the clock to deal with his childhood resentments and regrets, and to prepare him for handling the stressful job of president.

“We are working on his self-esteem issues and are encouraging him to join social networking groups and online dating sites to practice what he is learning.”

Therapy sessions include the use of arts and crafts, dream analysis, and emotional freedom techniques where safety words are employed to ensure against recidivism.

“We are just taking things slow,” Head Psychologist Dr. Glucklie said. “The important thing is to get him talking about his emotions so he does not do something rash, like blow up a country.”

Obama Challenges Cities to Game of Rocks-paper-scissors for 2016 Olympics Bid

NATIONAL - In an effort to facilitate Friday's vote by the IOC for the prize honor of hosting the 2016 summer Olympics, U.S. President Barack Obama is flying to Copenhagen to challenge representatives from Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo to a democratic game of rocks-paper-scissors.

The White House announcement on Monday that President Barack Obama would fly in to the Danish capital to appear before the International Olympic Committee ready to throw fists in support of Chicago's bid for the Games with was the news the other three candidates least wanted.

“Rocks-paper-scissors is the most democratic game I can think of," Obama said before boarding his plan with famous manicurist, Fiona LaPone. "Just think of how different the world would be if we used this to decide the 2000 election.”

Rock-Paper-Scissors (also known as jan-ken-pon and rochambeau) is a two-person hand game where the players count to three preparing to ‘throw’ their hands into one of three gestures.

“I think a tequila drinking game would be better,” Madrid official Enricho Swalabez said.

Nevertheless, all countries bidding to host the Olympics have been practicing strategies to help them win the best two out of three.

“We will wrap our wrists in rice so there is no spraining, Tokyo official Chen Zi Tsunam said.

President Obama and Kids Panhandle to Assuage Country's Debt

President Obama and daughter's Sasha and Malia were spotted this morning panhandling on Constitution Ave. NW to generate funds for struggling banks and news organizations around the nation.

Obama and his two daughters wore tattered clothes and wigs and held out tin cans as they huddled together begging for charity from all passers-by. By the time they left the side of the road to break for lunch in their extravagant home, the the family had accumulated 27.00 and a broken button, money the president hopes will assuage the country’s soaring debt.

"I can't offer tax breaks to companies without putting the money where my mouth is," Obama said scratching at the white beard glued to his face. “It’s all about giving money to the people that need it, and if I can't lead this country by example then I have failed as president."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told news sources that "times were tough," and the President was "running out of options for dealing with America's economic crisis.

Teachers and administrators at the Obama girls' prestigious school went to Child Protection Services immediately after the incident to question the validity of the two daughter's being out of school and engaging in an illegal act. While officials are screening the case, Obama remains steadfast on his actions and the impact they have on his daughters' lives.

"They are the next generation, and if they don't know how to get money when the going gets tough, all hope will be lost," he said.

New Bose Headphones Promise Deafening Sound

National – Privately-held American audio equipment Bose has just announced their new line of headphones that guarantee deafening sound.

The Acoustic Cancelhear headphones come with advanced noise reduction capabilities and guarantee that a listener will go completely deaf within the first five minutes of using the comfortable fitting stylish set.

“It’s a small price to pay to hear the greatest sound of your life,” BOSE engineer Warren gates yelled into the microphone. “Hello, is this thing on?” he looked around quizzically.

The headphones have gone through hundreds of test subjects who approve of the sound quality and agree it is worth the $400.00 price tag.

After sampling the Acoustic Cancelhear headphones, consumer Phil Garrrick had this to say, “What? I can’t hear you?”

President Obama Caught Pushing Political Agenda on Local Pigeons

President Barack Obama was caught by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs harassing pigeons in the middle of public defecation rituals early Tuesday in the White House garden.

The pigeons, said to be minding their own business, were suddenly frightened by the appearance of Mr. Obama who took the opportunity of a crowd to force-feed his Democratic position.

“I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals and to do everything you can to keep city statues clean and provide food for yourselves,” Obama said loosening his tie.

He went on to exhort the confused pigeons to “get cracking with building their own nests,” and “stop bumming around the streets looking for handouts.”

In response the pigeons rocked their heads two and fro in a mixture of inanity and hunger, and flew off White House grounds when the president attempted to shake their wings.

“Who does he think he is tellin’ us how to do our business?” Good Pigeon Wally the Wing said. “Is he some kind of a tough guy or somepin’? Then he tries to touch my wing? Who knows what diseases those humans are carrying?”

Area pigeons shared their outrage with several conservative organizations accusing Obama of trying to pitch his arguments too aggressively to a minority that has no relevance to human affairs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to start chirping about pigeon rights and once they get their laws in place it will ruin things for myself and every other public urinator out there,” Fox News host Sean Hannity said.