Barack Obama to Rename Presidential Address, Fun House

Washington-In steps to make the White House feel more like a home for him and his family, Barack Obama plans to repaint the outside walls a dark magenta with forest green stripes and rename the building, the Fun House.

Obama and his special team of interior decorators will also be transforming the East Room into a disco lounge and adding a hookah bar inside the Cabinet Room.

“I want the fly honey suite in the West Wing, in case I just need a breather after an intense meeting with world leaders,” Obama said, offering a wink to the news camera.

Sources close to the family say these measures will help bring out the family’s fresh spirit and help to modernize American politics.

The redecorating will cost an estimated $1.5 million and is expected to be finished by early 2010.
When asked his thoughts on the matter, White House spokesperson Evan Griffith said: “We’re still not sure of the president’s level of authority in this particular matter, but we certainly want the Obama’s to be comfortable in their new home at whatever cost.”

Congress Passes Gas

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress on Friday was expected to pass gas aimed at renewing hope and humor to the otherwise 'gloom and doom' outlook in America.

Quick approval of the uncontrollable bodily function would relieve gastric indigestion and help regulate country officials. There is also speculation that the measure would give President Obama an even higher rating among classmates of his daughters Malia Ann and Natasha.

"If we can't laugh about flatulence, this country has far more problems than I expected before taking this job,” President Obama wrote in an e-mail to cabinet members.

The president has urged the Democratic-controlled Congress to fill up on beans, tofu and carbonated beverages before the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, so he can push this idea into law.

The House of Representatives was preparing to vote by midday and the Senate was expected to follow in the early evening, but there was still no final agreement between Senate Democratic and Republican leaders to do so.

When asked her opinion on the president’s new measure, Republican Congresswoman Kathy McMorris Rodgers said, "It is common knowledge that ladies do not fart."

Warmer Seas Broiling Ready-to-Eat Fish

Earth's oceans have become so warm as a result of global climate change that ready-to-eat fish are washing ashore.

Spontaneous fish fry's began early last month on Hollywood Beach in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when a group of surfer's noticed the scrumptuos pieces of fish washing ashore.

"At first I thought the alcohol was making me hallucinate," Don Frapse said with a cackle. "But it was a freakin' fish fry."

Frapse and his friends confirmed that the fish are either fried or broiled and sometimes come ashore with a seaweed salad.

"This is the best fish I have ever tasted," Hoolywood beach lifeguard Sandy Waifer said.Since then, Spontaneous fish fry's have taken place at beaches in Australia, California, and Brazil, serving up delicious seafood like cod, swordfish and even lobster tails.

"Mother nature's one crazy bitch," Evan Alms offered as an explanation for the dismembered and fried lobster tails.

Experts are researching Nature's laltest mystery, and the FDA is advising everyone to approach the ready-to-eat fish with caution.

When asked about the potential danger of these fried fish, Don Frapse had this to say: "Hell, I say approach 'em with some lemon wedges and cocktail sauce."

Government to Spend 5 Billion Teaching Homeless How Best to Use a Dollar

Washington-First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the Teaching Across Dumpsters Program (TAD) Monday to help educate the homeless on positive spending habits.

The 6-week course will take place outside of dumpsters across America, where panelists will lecture on the history and purpose of money, followed by interactive hypotheticals with the students.

"By showing students the difference between a flask of whiskey and a McDonald’s burger, we can show them that we really need them to help the economy too," Mrs. Obama said to a crowd on the steps of the Library of Congress.

Five billion dollars worth of taxpayers money will fund TAD professors and be used to give five tax free dollars to each homeless person who successfully completes the course.

Past administrations have tried to address the country's homeless problem by opening up soup kitchens and homeless shelters, but critics agree those steps have only watered down the real issue of homelessness in this country.

“For the first time in history, someone is actually doing something proactive about the homeless," Harvard Economist Dwight Dewinstein said. “TAD is a way to give the homeless a little pull.”

2009 Trend: African Babies Hotter than iPhone

National -Adopting an infant from Niger or Zimbabwe is no longer a luxury only for icons like Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and according to online polls will be the hottest trend for 2009.

Former Manager of Wired magazine Warren Gumpster signed up for his first African baby after noticing the slow-down in electronic gadgets for sale on the market.

“There was nothing left for me to buy, so I decided to get an African baby,” Gumpster said. “And it’s a lot better than any gadget out there because I don’t have to upload it everyday, and I can leave the baby at home if I want to, unlike my iPhone.”

Ordering an African baby is a simple process of sifting through baby pictures, mailing in basic paperwork and waiting for the child to arrive via FedEx within two weeks.

Statistics also show that owning a child from Africa can immediately elevate a persons social standing in the community by showing that the adopted parent is trendy and in touch with reality.

Elizabeth Dawkins is currently waiting for her African infant that she purchased after reading online reviews of the product.

“It costs far less to own an African baby than it does to get the new iPhone, and it is not as much of a time consumer.”

Due to the growing demand, websites like Blackbaby and iBaby have sprung up on the Internet, with operators available around the clock to take orders for an African child.

Mother Regrets Not Finding Heroin in Son's Bedroom

After assembling family members and friends for an intervention in her home Tuesday evening, Diana Rempleton was amazed to not find any heroin in her son Jake's bedroom.

The group assembled at the home around seven in the evening and watched in awe as the 17 year olds room was ransacked in search of traces of the illegal substance. When the young man returned home from choir practice at 8:30, family members searched for needle marks on his arms and legs.

"I was so positive he was on the smack, and I told everyone about his problem," Rempleton said between sobs. "It's just a shame that I didn't find anything."

Rempleton had suspected that her son Jake was a serious heroin user since viewing the Fox news special "The secret dangers of Heroin," because of a pink and green jelly bracelet he came home wearing after attending a church carnival with friends.

Rempleton's son, Jake is an honors student in his senior year at Westminster High. After graduation he plans on attending Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in Singapore on a scholarship.

"I didn't mean to disappoint my mother," Jake said.

Human Think Tank Only Guy with Stuffed Dolphin

Washington - US government officials were stunned today to learn that their main source of funding, the Human Think Tank (HTT), is nothing more than a guy with a stuffed dolphin.

Police entered the home of Leeroy Tunc on Friday morning in response to a noise complaint by a neighbor. Once inside the D.C. home, they found Tunc with stuffed dolphin held close to his chest, and months of government checks written out to the Human Think Tank scattered about the premises.

“We kept getting reports on the human species from HTT so we just assumed it was legitimate from the start and paid for it,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said.

Records showed that the government had been receiving studies on human activities such as coloring, eating ice cream and playing Frolf for more than 14 years from HTT without asking questions of its validity or purpose.

“As government officials, it is our job to learn about human beings,” Senator Chris Dodd said. “It’s just a shame to think that a name as good as Human Think Tank was made up.”

Officials are left debating whether or not they will press charges on the man they depended on for so much human research, but will take away HTT’s tax exempt status.

“We can not act rashly on this issue,” Rice said. “This man may be our only key to better understanding the human species.”