White House Puts Nation’s Chuck E. Cheese’s on High Alert for Terrorist Threat

Washington – The White House placed Chuck E. Cheese's, a national chain of family entertainment centers, on high alert for terrorist threats today after an undercover detective witnessed suspicious activity near the Wac-a-Mole machine.

Special Agent Fox Mulder was collecting his tickets after a riveting game of Skee ball earlier today when he witnessed a middle-aged, dark-skinned man with lime green sunglasses in covert discussions with a crowd of teenagers.

"When I see a man like that, I immediately sense suspicious activity," Mulder said in his basement office. "And I have this badge so I can quickly determine a terrorist threat."

The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have been monitoring certain family entertainment centers after studies showed they were a possible breeding ground for terrorists and terrorist activities.

A report released by the White House this afternoon confirmed that terrorists are drawn to the colorful plastic ball pit at several family entertainment centers, and suggested that a bomb could easily be hidden in Big Bertha, a mechanical woman whose belly grows as the gamer tosses plastic balls into her mouth.

“It could have been just some ageing hippie buying reefer,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, "but we must view any and all suspicious activities as a threat to ensure the security of this nation. And we must take immediate and severe action before we stop to ask questions."

Special Agent Mulder remained at the Chuck E. Cheese's through lunch to watch the animatronic show "Pizza Time Players," and then traced the suspicious man to a trailer park in Davie, Florida.

"At least I can sleep well tonight knowing that Chuck E. Cheese's is safe for now, and wake up tomorrow morning courtesy of my Chuck E. Cheese's alarm clock (10,000 tickets) and continue to monitor these family entertainment centers to ensure that they will be safe for the next generation of Americans."

WMD’s Accidentally Shipped to Orphanage on Christmas Day

Oklahoma-Children at Shady Acres Orphanage in Afton received a surprise Christmas morning when enormous boxes of Weapons of Mass Destruction were accidentally shipped to their humble home.

The children ripped open the boxes and began playing with the toys like any other. It wasn't until an atomic bomb inside a suitcase was accidentally triggered that directors of the orphanage began to question the generous gift.

“The kids were just so happy that they weren’t forgotten on Christmas,” Shady Acres director Maggie Mason said. “One kid peeled the toxic symbol off of one of the vials and used it as a mask.”

Although no children were harmed, the bomb that was set created a 5-mile crater in the back of the home and Special Forces arrived to evacuate the town. White House investigators announced that an intern working in the Homeland Security office who misspelled Afghanistan on the mailing label created the mistake.

“Those mailing labels are so small and I was just trying to abbreviate to fit it all in," intern Blake Reynolds said.

Cows Upset About Pork in Healthcare Reform Bill

Nebraska- Cows came out in force Sunday, protesting all of the pork Senate has stuffed into a U.S. healthcare reform bill—in particular for Nebraska Democrat Ben Nelson—to facilitate its passage.

The animals say they feel cheated by swine after decades of providing a variety of meats and rinds to the American people and are disgraced by the ability for “some little piggies to get their way after going ‘wee, wee, wee’”.

“I’ll rip out my side and give it to a family of four as long as the American government stops stuffing swine into everything in this country,” spokescow Sammy Moo said. “America is all about all-beef and I for one would like to keep it that way.”

The cow community put up quite a moo as they marched to City Hall to demand justice where spent the ensuing hours presenting the crowd of politicians and news stations with figures and charts validating the superior health benefits and nutrients in their red meat.

Additional spending and provisions in the bill, considered wasteful by most critics, includes money for walking paths, jungle gyms and farmers’ markets around the nation, along with a cool $45m for Nelson's state of Nebraska over 10 years.

“We cost $3.99 lb at the local grocery store,” cow leader Al Beef said. “These pigs live in squalor and fill up humans with cholesterol and empty calories which will drive healthcare costs up even more.”

The protest remained mostly peaceful with only three tippings from local miscreants and off-duty officers, and the cows retreated to their pastures by 8 that evening.

Large Hadron Collider Generates Pac-Men

Geneva – Scientists were amazed late Tuesday night when the recently turned on particle accelerator smashed together opposing particle beams of protons and lead nuclei and produced several miniature Pac-Men.

The machine began spewing out the arcade game characters only minutes after it began its prolific objective of recreating the formation of our universe. The three-dimensional particles spilled out of the machine and began eating every circular object in sight, fleeing into dark corners when any ghost-like being came near them.

“We didn’t know what to expect, and certainly expected nothing this great,” Physicist and life-long gamer Lars Olfinson said. “The existence of Pac Men is far more important than the existence of anything else human might ponder, even the existence of God.”

After hours of chasing the new species around the laboratory, scientists set up a trap to contain all ten of them in a cage, although one evaporated upon coming into contact with one of the scientist’s ghost-ring. Scientists will begin performing experiments to explore the chemical makeup and biology of these animals and discern if they are in fact what created our universe and life on Earth.

“We find that they really like to move around in the rat mazes,” scientist Greta Schussesser said.
Workers at CERN, the European Center for Nuclear Research are scheduled to turn Large Hadron Collider on again in March 2010 when they will begin their search for Super Mario Bros.

Obama Unveils Afghan Plan with G.I. Joe and Power Rangers Action Figures

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama last night enumerated on his war strategy in Afghanistan with the aid of GiJoe and Power Rangers action figures.

The mock set-up was unveiled to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, where Obama represented himself as Captain America and Taliban leaders as Mr. Potato Heads.

“We had to use a Barbie mansion for one of the diorama’s so I ask that American’s use their imagination to see that this is in fact a Taliban training ground.”

There were also pictures of pink army tanks with flowers and nuclear weapons full of flowers drawn by the president’s two daughters Malia and Sasha.

“He knows how to talk to the people in a way that we can understand, using images and drawings to clarify his position on this enduring war that has cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

Obama also stressed the importance of the war in Afghanistan being an ‘international effort’ to which American allies Canada and Germany responded by offering Captain Canada and HaPe – Tasia “Meerjungfrauen-Spielwelt” toys.

Quebec Chef Chastised for Serving Thanksgiving Poutine

Derby Line, VT-An American family chastised a Canadian Chef yesterday when he served them a Thanksgiving poutine at his restaurant along the United States-Canada border.

The Henderson’s car broke down around 5pm on Thursday on their way to a cousin’s house in a neighboring town when they entered the restaurant famished and requested a Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one they were missing.

Canadian Chef Pierre Chammoneuvre modified a Quebec diner staple consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curd and covered with brown gravy to include stuffing, cranberries and pieces of turkey that he presented to the family with warm holiday wishes.

“It was disgusting and a mockery of one of the greatest holidays,” Mr. Henderson said. “The kids were screaming and scared shitless and my wife hasn’t stopped crying since.”

Chammoneuvre says he chose the dish in an effort to bring Americans and Canadians together on the holiday and never expected such an adverse reaction.

“Maybe I overdid the cheese curds and gravy,” he said.

The Henderson’s said they would not press charges and plan on entering therapy to overcome this incident and hopefully reclaim some semblance of their previous life.

“Thanksgiving will never be the same,” Mrs. Henderson said.

German Tourist Outraged by Lack of Dispute at Theater Arts Panel

New York-German Tourist Greta Von Haussen expressed outrage last night at a panel sponsored by NYU’s Journalism Department on the changing landscape of theater and theater reviews.

The panel contained a journalist, a blogger, and a performer, and centered around the impact that “citizen journalists” have on theater reviews and people’s appreciation for the arts—a topic the German tourist could not understand.

After asking several inarticulate and irrelevant questions to the humble panelists, Haussen began screaming and demanding that she see an argument.

“Vhere is ze contradiction? I came to see you arkue but it seems like you just vent to be nice to each other,” Haussen said. “I vant to get my money’s vorth. I vant a real debate.”

The panel assembled as a way for prospective graduate students of NYU’s journalism program to get involved with local media, and offered free tickets and refreshments for the sophisticated audience.

“We were just talking about how the online media affects theater reviews,” confused moderator Bill Sarrmon said.