Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"

Area Man Morphs Into Balloon to Enter Father’s Day Parade

Tampa – Harry and Pete Johnson were amazed at the Hillsborough County Father’s Day Parade this morning when their father Wick Johnson morphed into a giant helium balloon.

The 20-foot balloon-man made his way into the parade that snaked through various neighborhoods in the area, waving to the crowds and shouting great tidings.

“Every year he talks about how he wants to be one of those balloons,” 10-year-old son Harry said. “But we just thought he was talking nonsense.”

Police circled Johnson as he neared the end of the parade, and after he deflated himself, brought him to the police station for questioning.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Officer Holden said. “But we all know of the destruction Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was capable of in Ghostbusters, so we couldn’t take our chances.”

This is the first known incident of a man spontaneously inflating himself with helium and scientists and doctors are questioning this phenomenon and looking into any severe health implications of such an act.

From his observation room in Tampa General Hospital, Mr. Johnson had only this to say: “Whatever happens, it sure was worth it.”

Sarah Palin’s Breasts Push Political Agenda

Washington – The breasts of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a public appearance last night at the Elkin Strip Club in Wasilla, Alaska to deny charges that they were recently augmented and to discuss politics with the drunken crowd.

The buoyant twins took to the stage just after 2 a.m. and showed off their natural beauty to the beat of The Eurythmics while dissuading the crowd from same-sex marriage.

“The more that chic shakes her melons, the more I believe in her political message,” Elkin regular Wally Marsh said.

Since Palin has added dancing to her repertoire of talents, her popularity among middle-aged and old white males has skyrocketed and there are hints that she may pursue the presidency in 2012, using her breasts to get to the top.

“I had to pay a fee to get up on that there stage,” Palin said, “and doggonit I am glad to have done it because now people will really listen to my message. I am a proud American.” Palin lifted her shirt to expose red, white and blue painted breasts.

Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.

Ice Cream Man to Avenge First Lady for Healthy Agenda

Sunrise- Florida ice cream truck driver Samuel Plaftom vowed to avenge First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday if she continues Let’s Move!, her ambitious campaign to tackle the challenge of childhood obesity.

The news came after the 248-pound man watched a press conference where Michelle Obama stated her desire to eliminate dessert. Plaftom immediately dropped his ice cream cone and sounded his ice cream truck alarm to organize his 2-ton support group.

“This woman is destroying my business and she is corrupting the cholesterol-clogged, fatty-deposited hearts of all Americans,” Plaftom said catching his breath. “I will chase her down and fight her for doing this to us.” The feeble man took two steps forward then needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath.

Area support groups including Fostering America’s Tonnage (FAT) and Overweight Beauties Eating So Excessively (OBESE) have also waddled out of hiding in support of Plaftom and high-caloric, sugary goods that line grocery store shelves.

“I believe you can accomplish anything with a shotgun and some pulled pork,” FAT republican Patricia Clark said. “Leave it to the preppies to try and make us work for some silly ideal that won’t even give us instant gratification.”

Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”

Gulf oil leak Spawns The Blob

New Orleans -The oil-drilling rig that blew up and sank last week off the coast of Louisiana continues to leak barrels of oil daily into the Gulf of Mexico, unleashing longtime supervillian The Blob into international waters.

The amoeba-like alien has been terrorizing marine life in the Gulf of Mexico for the past two days, consuming everything in its path as it gets bigger and makes its way to American soil

“This mutant will consume everything in its path you see, if we, the American people, don’t put a stop to it,” President Obama stated in a less than encouraging podcast from the White House.

It remains unclear whether the juggernaut is a creature from outer space, a mutant or something else entirely, but the U.S. National Guard is doing everything in their power to defuse the potential threat.

“We don’t know much and I don’t know if there’s a Wolverine or anyone out there, but X-Men, America needs your help,” National Guard recruiter Pat Smith said.