Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.

Ice Cream Man to Avenge First Lady for Healthy Agenda

Sunrise- Florida ice cream truck driver Samuel Plaftom vowed to avenge First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday if she continues Let’s Move!, her ambitious campaign to tackle the challenge of childhood obesity.

The news came after the 248-pound man watched a press conference where Michelle Obama stated her desire to eliminate dessert. Plaftom immediately dropped his ice cream cone and sounded his ice cream truck alarm to organize his 2-ton support group.

“This woman is destroying my business and she is corrupting the cholesterol-clogged, fatty-deposited hearts of all Americans,” Plaftom said catching his breath. “I will chase her down and fight her for doing this to us.” The feeble man took two steps forward then needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath.

Area support groups including Fostering America’s Tonnage (FAT) and Overweight Beauties Eating So Excessively (OBESE) have also waddled out of hiding in support of Plaftom and high-caloric, sugary goods that line grocery store shelves.

“I believe you can accomplish anything with a shotgun and some pulled pork,” FAT republican Patricia Clark said. “Leave it to the preppies to try and make us work for some silly ideal that won’t even give us instant gratification.”

Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”

Gulf oil leak Spawns The Blob

New Orleans -The oil-drilling rig that blew up and sank last week off the coast of Louisiana continues to leak barrels of oil daily into the Gulf of Mexico, unleashing longtime supervillian The Blob into international waters.

The amoeba-like alien has been terrorizing marine life in the Gulf of Mexico for the past two days, consuming everything in its path as it gets bigger and makes its way to American soil

“This mutant will consume everything in its path you see, if we, the American people, don’t put a stop to it,” President Obama stated in a less than encouraging podcast from the White House.

It remains unclear whether the juggernaut is a creature from outer space, a mutant or something else entirely, but the U.S. National Guard is doing everything in their power to defuse the potential threat.

“We don’t know much and I don’t know if there’s a Wolverine or anyone out there, but X-Men, America needs your help,” National Guard recruiter Pat Smith said.

Putin Finds Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Moscow Sewers

Moscow-While searching for those responsible for twin suicide bombings that killed 39 in Moscow Monday, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin found five Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who apparently had been living in the Russian sewer system for the past decade.

Nunchaku, katanas, a bō staff, and sais were immediately confiscated from the five Ninja Turtles and they were taken to Kremlin headquarters for questioning.

“One guy talk about where’s April and the other always asking for food, always wanting pizza,” Kremlin officer Nicholas Taskovich said with a frown. “I tell him Russia turn his face into pizza pie.”

After hours of looking through a series of comic books and websites the socially awkward, vitamin D deficient turtles’ identities were revealed, which led to further questions by the Kremlin.

“If you are superhero living in Russia sewer system, why you not help Russians?” one official asked.

A few hours later sage Master Splinter arrived and bribed the guards to set the turtles free.

The Ninja Turtles left their home in the sewers of New York in 1996 to pursue their arch-nemesis Shredder on foreign soil. When they returned to America a few years later they were dismayed to learn that they had been outshined by the Power Rangers and decided to start a new life in Russia.

The Ninja Turtles left Kremlin headquarters after agreeing to assist the Kremlin with fighting crime in the streets of Russia and the government is currently considering a new TV series Черепашки-ниндзя

McCain-Palin Reunite to Form Folk Band

Washington-Two thousand and eight presidential and vice presidential candidate John McCain and Sarah Palin announced earlier today that they will be forming a Folk band titled, Stocking Gun and the Gang.


The two solidified the idea after a drunken bout of impromptu singing at Bob’s Pub off Interstate A1 in Alaska late Sunday night after it was clear that their republican message was not being heard.


“They didn’t seem as friendly as the regulars we get here. Kind of angry at one another,” Bar owner Bob Cobb said. “And the old guy kept rattlin’ on about a voice and pointed to the microphone so the woman staggered over and started singing.”


Palin’s a cappella version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was met with little enthusiasm from the three patrons of the bar until she started unbuttoning her suit jacket.


“My friends, if my friend [Palin] can make five dollars for a few minutes worth of work, well, that tells me the American dream is still alive and well. And together we will preach that dream to the American people.”


The duo are scheduled to being voice lessons and have already begun writing songs for their first album, with titles including, Will My Neck Ever Grow Back, Abortion-bortion Gives Doctors a Fortune and My Love, My Gun.


“I think the people of America will be more receptive to our political message through harmony and with a tambourine doggone it” Palin said from inside the Chanel store on Rodeo Drive where she was trying out ‘hippie skirts’.

Burger King Employee Frazzled by Three Customers

Montreal-Burger King employee Sheila Jones was overwhelmed this morning when the line of customers at the heavily-trafficked Burger King in Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport swelled to three customers.

The incident took place around 7:30 p.m. just after Jones began her night shift, which usually involved limited interaction with people and minimal effort on her part.

“I usually work the evening hour and it is not too busy. But this, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Jones said from underneath a blanket administered by airport security.

The first two customers wait time exceeded eight minutes as they watched the young employee attempt to blend a milk shake, package a small order fries and take the final customer’s order.

“She dropped my Whopper on the ground so I had to wait another five minutes while they prepared a second one.” New Yorker Gerald Richie said. “I think she [Jones] might be better working in a low-volume environment.”

Jones is recovering at Wakefield Mill Inn Spa in Quebec for the week.