Democrats Opt for Government-Run Trick-or-Treating

Washington-In an effort to make Halloween safer and more fun for children and adults this year, Democrats opt for government-run trick-or-treating.

The festivities will take place in Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Massachusetts, and will cost tax-payers upwards of $2 million to cover costumes, candy and scary decorations.

White House Halloween Czar Martin Glumpker unveiled this morning the ghost, pumpkin or President Obama costumes celebrants can choose from and explained the list of 58,931 rules to representatives in the three states.

“We will have police officers on every corner around neighborhoods to monitor activity and confiscate any suspicious treats and send them to the lab for testing,” Gumpker said. “And if the results on the candy come back negative, we will return it to the child in 3-6 months.”

President Obama is thrilled with his involvement in this year’s holiday and vows to follow the same procedures as everyone else who is walking in a single file line from house to house.

“This year is going to be safe and fun,” President Obama said adjusting his President Obama mask.

U.S. Pay Czar Demands 50 Cents for Vending Machine

Washington-Kenneth Feinberg, the treasury Department’s special master for compensation was spotted in the Capitol building earlier today demanding 50 cents from passers-by so that he could get a snack out of the vending machine.

He feverishly searched under the machine and on the floor before hurling threats at any government official or tourist who would listen.

“I will not work towards lowering total compensation for the 25 highest-paid employees at seven firms receiving large sums of government aid until I have eaten a bag of Fritos,” he said.

Mr. Feinberg was appointed in June 2009 by the Obama Administration to oversee the compensation of top executives at companies which have received federal bailout assistance, and most of his colleagues agree that he is difficult to work with.

“It’s usually around meal times that he gets arrogant and angry,” Vice President Joe Biden said.
Feinberg remained in the hallway stamping his feet and screaming obscenities until a homeless man dropped two dirty coins at his feet.

“He needed it more than me,” homeless man Bob said swatting the flies away from his body.

Once placated by the high sodium and fat content in the packaged food, Feinberg justified his outburst saying, “I will work effortlessly to ensure that a change machine be placed next to vending machines in 500 of the nation’s biggest corporate firms.”

Homeland Security Makes Fashion Top Priority

New York City - Renowned department store Century 21 is slated to receive a grant of $12m from the Department of Homeland Security in a new initiative called, “cover-your ass security.”

The proposal comes after reports were unveiled suspecting the store of being a breeding ground for terrorists who seek top quality designer fashion at extensive discount prices while desiring to annihilate the very principles this country was founded on.

“We must keep our designer fashions at discount prices safe,” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said showing off his new Armani suit outside of City Hall early this morning. “Our country prides itself on cheap clothes, and we must defend these objects with all our power.”

The “cover-your ass security” initiative involves an extensive network of security cameras, robots, weapons-detectors and clothing purchase profiling.

“We know that most anti-Americans buy pima cotton and fondue pots, so we have to discriminate against anyone who makes that kind of a purchase,” Manager Frank Smarts said. “And because it’s easy to spot a terrorist by the clothes they wear, we will program our terrorist identifying robots to attack and arrest any customer wearing terrorist clothes.”

The Department of Homeland Security is also considering more funding to ensure other American staples like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Burger King, and Seven Eleven remain safe from terrorism.

New Online Dating Site for Sex Offenders

New York – Rapeume.com is a new website designed specifically for sex offenders around the country to socialize and romanticism among their peers.

The website culls information from state sex-offender registries into profiles that viewers can browse to gauge compatibility with other rapists and pedophiles. The website also offers dating tips on how to have a romantic dinner while on house arrest and what to do when he says no.

New York State registered sex offender Harold Herman developed the site in August to help him cultivate relationships among his peers.

“I’ve never had much luck with romance,” Herman said in a recent interview. “but it makes it easier if everything is consensual.”

The site has accumulated much interest in its nascence, with around 230,000 registered users logging in daily to view profiles or message one another. The more enthusiastic users have augmented the website to include fetish chat rooms and meet-and-greet sessions playfully called gang bangs.

The new website had some law makers questioning the soundness of socialization among the nation’s outcast, but those views are changing as the numbers of rapes and molestations decreases.

In a recent press conference on the matter, New York official Warren McFly said, “As long as we shove them into a dark corner of society with the smokers and alcoholics, I don’t see any problem with it.”

President Ahmadinejad Enters Therapy to Diffuse Aggression, Not WMD’s

Tehran –Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently began therapy for his anger issues and discovered that his aggressive nature is linked to not having a G.I. Joe action figure in his youth.

Ahmadinejad started therapy after receiving such a negative response from other nations about his actions and demeanor and being told—on countless occasions—to “lighten up,” by cabinet members.

“I not so good with talking to any people, especially the ladies” Ahmadinejad said during an online video conference. “Therapy make me stronger, better man and teach me to accept childhood with no toys.”

A staff of six highly trained psychologists and psychiatrists have been working with the president around the clock to deal with his childhood resentments and regrets, and to prepare him for handling the stressful job of president.

“We are working on his self-esteem issues and are encouraging him to join social networking groups and online dating sites to practice what he is learning.”

Therapy sessions include the use of arts and crafts, dream analysis, and emotional freedom techniques where safety words are employed to ensure against recidivism.

“We are just taking things slow,” Head Psychologist Dr. Glucklie said. “The important thing is to get him talking about his emotions so he does not do something rash, like blow up a country.”

Obama Challenges Cities to Game of Rocks-paper-scissors for 2016 Olympics Bid

NATIONAL - In an effort to facilitate Friday's vote by the IOC for the prize honor of hosting the 2016 summer Olympics, U.S. President Barack Obama is flying to Copenhagen to challenge representatives from Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo to a democratic game of rocks-paper-scissors.

The White House announcement on Monday that President Barack Obama would fly in to the Danish capital to appear before the International Olympic Committee ready to throw fists in support of Chicago's bid for the Games with was the news the other three candidates least wanted.

“Rocks-paper-scissors is the most democratic game I can think of," Obama said before boarding his plan with famous manicurist, Fiona LaPone. "Just think of how different the world would be if we used this to decide the 2000 election.”

Rock-Paper-Scissors (also known as jan-ken-pon and rochambeau) is a two-person hand game where the players count to three preparing to ‘throw’ their hands into one of three gestures.

“I think a tequila drinking game would be better,” Madrid official Enricho Swalabez said.

Nevertheless, all countries bidding to host the Olympics have been practicing strategies to help them win the best two out of three.

“We will wrap our wrists in rice so there is no spraining, Tokyo official Chen Zi Tsunam said.

President Obama and Kids Panhandle to Assuage Country's Debt

President Obama and daughter's Sasha and Malia were spotted this morning panhandling on Constitution Ave. NW to generate funds for struggling banks and news organizations around the nation.

Obama and his two daughters wore tattered clothes and wigs and held out tin cans as they huddled together begging for charity from all passers-by. By the time they left the side of the road to break for lunch in their extravagant home, the the family had accumulated 27.00 and a broken button, money the president hopes will assuage the country’s soaring debt.

"I can't offer tax breaks to companies without putting the money where my mouth is," Obama said scratching at the white beard glued to his face. “It’s all about giving money to the people that need it, and if I can't lead this country by example then I have failed as president."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told news sources that "times were tough," and the President was "running out of options for dealing with America's economic crisis.

Teachers and administrators at the Obama girls' prestigious school went to Child Protection Services immediately after the incident to question the validity of the two daughter's being out of school and engaging in an illegal act. While officials are screening the case, Obama remains steadfast on his actions and the impact they have on his daughters' lives.

"They are the next generation, and if they don't know how to get money when the going gets tough, all hope will be lost," he said.