Thursday, December 23, 2010

Area Man Has Nervous Breakdown Trying to Think of Others During Holidays

New York City-Area man Roy Henderson was overwhelmed by the concept of thinking about another person during the holiday season while shopping in Macy’s Herald Square yesterday afternoon.

While conversing with a store clerk to learn about the concept of giving a gift to another person, the forty-three-year-old clutched at his chest and complained of not being able to breath. According to the police report, Henderson fainted when a store clerk presented him with two gift options that he could not benefit from.

“He seemed pretty frazzled from the start, asking me questions about why people exchange gifts to one another instead of just buying things they want,” customer service rep. Tina Chuwana said. “I just asked a few follow up questions about the person he was shopping for and the guy completely lost it, and was screaming about how the person should get their own gift.”

Other store clerks agreed with Chuwana that the customer was hostile and seemed like he did not know what he was doing in the store.

Friends and family members came forward when they heard of Henderson’s hospitalization and assured police that the concept of giving was foreign to the man.

“I never should have pushed him to buy me a gift,” Henderson’s wife Clara said through tears. “Sure he’s a selfish jerk, but we never wanted anything like this to happen.”

Henderson, who is recuperating in General Hospital, commented from his hospital bed. “You’re damn right this is her fault. I just hope that woman has $50,000 for my hospital bill.”

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Area Woman Ruins Thanksgiving With Canadian Guest

New York – Area woman Annie Ferguson ruined Thanksgiving dinner when she showed up at a friend’s house with a Canadian date.

Thanksgiving dinner hosts Marie and Sam Tompkins claimed their friend’s date, a Canadian, was an unsavory dinner guest. The foreigner reportedly displayed sloppy eating habits, ruined various pieces of wood furniture throughout the house, and was an unwilling participant in after dinner board games.

“This was someone’s idea of a sick joke,” Mr. Tompkins said sopping up spilled cranberry juice. “To think that we were kind enough to let that into our country, into our home.”

The couple spent the remainder of the holiday evening cleaning up the intruder’s mess and quietly sobbing in one another's arms.

“I just don’t think I’ll be able to handle another Thanksgiving,” Mrs. Tompkins said.

Police reports filed the following day showed estimated damages to the house to be in the thousands, but the Tompkins are pessimistic that they will see any of the money.

In the meantime state officials say they will consider tightening security along the Canadian border so that Thanksgiving will remain a peaceful tradition.

“You don’t see the pilgrims and Indians disrespecting one another like that,” officer Harry Petrakis said shaking his head. “It’s just typical Canadian arrogance.”

Saturday, October 30, 2010

President Obama Joins Car Wash to Rally Last-minute Support

Washington – This morning Barack Obama teamed with residents of Moody Acres mental institute for a charity car wash as a final attempt at gaining Democratic support in Tuesday’s election.

President Obama, clad in a polo shirt, blue shorts and tattered penny loafers, got down and dirty with patients suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and retardation, to clean the cavalcade of Japanese and German made cars that rolled into the Exxon station on Capitol Hill.

“Yes you can keep your car clean,” Obama said to the driver of a Honda civic, spraying Windex on the front windshield. “But it’s going to take a lot of hard work on your part and it ain’t going to happen overnight.”

Obama’s rhetoric left many customers of the five cents car wash confused and uneasy.

“I don’t understand why he said I had to work for it,” car wash customer Meryl Hamper said. “I mean, I paid five cents so they would clean it for me, right?”

Members of Moody Acres mental institute appreciated the president’s help, and were each happy to earn three cents after Obama deducted supply expenses, 55% in federal and state taxes, and his share of the profits.

“At least we got something because I was afraid that the black man would just take it all,” paranoid schizophrenic Clyde Williams said.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Yuppies Burn Birkenstocks Outside of J. Crew

New York – A group of yuppies gathered outside of J. Crew on Fifth Avenue Friday and burned Birkenstocks in an act of defiance against hippies and their tree-hugging agenda.

The conservative group says hippies have influenced popular culture for far too long with the influx of vegan grocery stores and head shops throughout the city. Yuppies say it is time for corporate executives and companies like Starbucks and Apple to reclaim the city.

“These people spread lies about pacifism and smell real bad,” Yuppie Donald Renke said on his way to a meeting at the Cornell Club.

Hippies responded to the act by singing songs of love and peace in a drum circle on the north lawn of Central Park. Their tree-hugging methods disrupted sunbathers and families gathering in the public space.

One mother, Samantha Redding, claimed that the hippies in Central Park ruined her child’s fifth birthday party.

“These hippies have gone too far,” Redding said. “My kid is at home crying because those degenerates were mocking us for eating cake that was made from eggs and milk.”

“Dude, people just need to chill out and be happy,” hippie Luke said blowing a cloud of marijuana smoke into the air.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Family Cat Rates Netflix Movies

New York – The Joneses were astonished last night when they returned home to find their computer logged into the rental-by-mail website Netlfix, and their cat Whiskers rating films in their queue.

The Joneses had known that something was ‘fishy’ with their DVD rental system for the past week or so, because they kept receiving films like Finding Nemo and Puss in Boots. They never expected the culprit to be their lovable pet.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mrs. Jones said in between sobs. “We raised Whiskers to be an honest cat and then this.”

The couple has worked with their film rental company to be reimbursed for the errors in shipment and will be changing the security settings on their remote controls so something like this does not happen again.

“Another incident like this and we might have to just put him down,” Mr. Jones said.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Area Douche Bag Jacked up on Chicken

New York - Police responded to a disturbance in Times Square earlier today and arrested Ray Finklestein who was wreaking havoc on the city streets.

The proclaimed 'douche bag' was ripping parking meters out of the ground and throwing garbage cans across city streets to show off his big muscles after wolfing down nine pounds of chicken on his lunch break.

"The guy is such a douche bag and always monopolizes the microwave in the break room," colleauge Quincy Jones said. "He's so obsessed with himself and his big muscles."

Finklestein was placed in a holding cell at the county jail for three hours while his hormone levels calmed down. Police then escorted him out of the building with a $5,000 fine and a recipe book of safer to eat, high-protein meals.

"The fine for disorderly conduct and damage to property is usually $1,000," officer Sparks said,. "But this guy was such a douche bag we made him pay a little more."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"