Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"

Area Man Morphs Into Balloon to Enter Father’s Day Parade

Tampa – Harry and Pete Johnson were amazed at the Hillsborough County Father’s Day Parade this morning when their father Wick Johnson morphed into a giant helium balloon.

The 20-foot balloon-man made his way into the parade that snaked through various neighborhoods in the area, waving to the crowds and shouting great tidings.

“Every year he talks about how he wants to be one of those balloons,” 10-year-old son Harry said. “But we just thought he was talking nonsense.”

Police circled Johnson as he neared the end of the parade, and after he deflated himself, brought him to the police station for questioning.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Officer Holden said. “But we all know of the destruction Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was capable of in Ghostbusters, so we couldn’t take our chances.”

This is the first known incident of a man spontaneously inflating himself with helium and scientists and doctors are questioning this phenomenon and looking into any severe health implications of such an act.

From his observation room in Tampa General Hospital, Mr. Johnson had only this to say: “Whatever happens, it sure was worth it.”

Sarah Palin’s Breasts Push Political Agenda

Washington – The breasts of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a public appearance last night at the Elkin Strip Club in Wasilla, Alaska to deny charges that they were recently augmented and to discuss politics with the drunken crowd.

The buoyant twins took to the stage just after 2 a.m. and showed off their natural beauty to the beat of The Eurythmics while dissuading the crowd from same-sex marriage.

“The more that chic shakes her melons, the more I believe in her political message,” Elkin regular Wally Marsh said.

Since Palin has added dancing to her repertoire of talents, her popularity among middle-aged and old white males has skyrocketed and there are hints that she may pursue the presidency in 2012, using her breasts to get to the top.

“I had to pay a fee to get up on that there stage,” Palin said, “and doggonit I am glad to have done it because now people will really listen to my message. I am a proud American.” Palin lifted her shirt to expose red, white and blue painted breasts.