Tourist Admits to Not Wearing Flip Flops in Pool Area

Los Angeles – Gretta Ahmen, a tourist staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, tearfully admitted on Wednesday she had been walking around the hotel’s luxurious pool area without the required footwear.

The announcement came in the middle of a poolside party with such notable celebrities as Kate Hudson and Matt Damon, when Ms. Ahmen coerced the DJ to turn off the techno music and grabbed hold of the microphone.

“I am sorry for not wearing my flip flops by the pool,” she said to the confused crowd. “I cannot fiend ignorance for this infraction of the rules. I am responsible for my poor judgment and will do anything in my power to make this right.”

Before Ms. Ahmen was escorted out of the VIP section by security, she agreed to pay extra on her nightly fee and offered to help the cleaning staff the next time they were scheduled to clean the pool area.

“We are impressed that someone would to admit to something so stupid,” hotel manager, Greg Pitekas said. “The pool rules are clearly posted on one of the rafters, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Top Business Schools Teach Students Proper Bathroom Etiquette

National – Corporate complaints have recently spawned a high demand for courses on proper bathroom protocol at top business schools around the country.

Starting in Fall 09, The University of Chicago Booth, NYU Stern, and Stanford University will offer courses on how to properly flush toilets, how to decipher a garbage can from a sink, and what to do when the paper runs out, to give their business school students a leg up on life in corporate America.

Northwestern University Dean Gary Hanns came up with the idea for these mandatory courses after several complaints about interns at high profile corporations.

“Everyone gets so caught up in doing a good job that they forget how to do basic things like flush a toilet,” Hanns said. “This new protocol will only make our graduates stronger, able to face any stubborn toilet around the world.”

Although the new curriculum has not been completely “ironed out”, experts are specifically tailoring lessons with algorithms and catchy tunes for business-minded students.

“With these new skills I can flush my fears down the drain,” Warren Gates, who is matriculating into Stern in the fall said.

Clinton Threatens to Break More Bones if U.S. Does Not Implement Universal Health Care Plan

Washington- Hours after U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow on Wednesday she vowed to break more bones if the government does not implement her long sought after universal health care plan in the next few months.

Clinton was said to have been administered heavy sedatives just minutes before she began yelling expletives and ranting about what this country needs and how she is going to give it to them.

“This is only the beginning of what I am capable of doing,” Clinton spoke from outside The George Washington University Hospital just after she gave her ultimatum to the country. “I have grown in a deep and profound way,” she said in reference to the first grade morphine her health care plan covered.

The remainder of Clinton’s speech was inaudible due to further injections of sedatives on her request and she was said to have finally calmed down once home.

Republicans were quick to respond, claiming that Clinton’s efforts remain futile and only further their stance on why universal coverage is a bad idea.

“Women are so fickle and they always have to go the doctor’s to deal with their cycles and everything, so why should we have to pay for that?” Representative Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) said.

Town Welcomes Friendly Fire

Montana -The people of Great Falls gathered near the Rocky Mountains yesterday, welcoming a friendly fire as it blazed through acres of wilderness.

Firefighters and park workers arrived promptly on the scene, but refused to ‘put out something so nice.’ Instead, they joined forces with the townspeople who made cards and gift baskets for the enthusiastic blaze.

“The fire was just so cute so we wanted to express our gratitude with glitter pens and chocolates,” firefighter Dan Aberman said.

The fire continued traveling north during the early morning hours, obliterating trees, cabins and indigenous species, until it reached Alberta, Canada. Once on Canadian soil, officials from both countries commenced talks to determine the nationality of the fire, visa requirements, and so forth.

Great Falls Mayor, Bill Finniligluck vowed to get the fire back to American soil so it could bring further warm joy to the town.

“The Canadians wouldn’t know what to do with a friendly fire if it bit them in the ass,” Finniligluck said at a town hall that evening.

The locals remained near the Rocky Mountains well into this morning, saying their goodbyes and offering the fire a place to stay if it ever planned on returning.

“It’s hard to let something so nice just blaze out of our lives like that,” resident Bethany Kad choked out between sobs.

Officials Say City Buildings Are ‘Stressed Out’

New York- After performing official ‘stress tests’ on banking institutes and other long-standing buildings in the city, officials have determined that, much like their human counterparts, buildings in New York City are suffering from anxiety and tension.

The news comes on the heels of a recession that has seen massive building closures and construction halts, leaving centuries-old buildings feeling lonely and worthless.

“Feelings of depression are more concrete for establishments, and can only be broken down when we start to build relationships with them,” High-rise Hypnotist Larry Flindster said at a book signing for his newly released publication, Cry Building Cry.

Flindster is a frontrunner in a new line of therapy available to assist condominiums, brownstones, and low-rises in finding purpose to their lives through communication techniques and topical drugs.

President Barack Obama vowed to take this issue to a head, by spending part of the $768 billion bailout money to ensure that abandoned buildings be put to good use.

“We can’t be picky during these tough times,” Obama said during a press conference outside the White House, “and I encourage squatters, prostitutes and crack heads to give these lonely buildings something to live for.”

Pope Surrenders Holy Water at Airport Security

Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI was in hot water yesterday when he tried to get through security at Leonardo da Vinci-Fiumicino Airport with a bottle of holy water.

Security guard Reggie Smith took the bottle out of the pope’s bag and tossed it in the garbage can with various other plastics bottles containing liquid. The pope then accused Mr. Smith of being the devil and an argument ensued, delaying passengers’ movement through the gate.

“If I give him special treatment I’m going to have to give it to everyone else,” Mr. Smith said in defense. “It’s my neck if I let one liquid get through there.”

Other travelers agreed with the airport employee’s reaction and some even questioned the identity of God’s chosen leader of the Catholic Church.

“I’ve seen terrorist’s in better disguises than that,” American Airlines passenger Abu Da Lika said. “I was also a bit suspicious about his staff; that cross could really poke someone’s eye out.”

The irate Pope continued to his departure gate once security confirmed his identification, but he was unable to reclaim the blessed water.

Reporters caught up with his holiness at his connecting flight in Amsterdam, where he had this to say: Go to hell.