Child Hospitalized From Classroom Re-Enactment of First Thanksgiving

Topeka, KS –Nine year old Brittany Garaloo was admitted to Holy Name Hospital with a tomahawk wound to the head and arrow wounds along her arms and legs suffered during a re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving supper in Mrs. Wallace’s fifth grade class.

Garaloo was dressed as Pocahontas and awaiting the arrival of her love John Smith, played by Willy Sneeders, when a stampede of pilgrims ambushed her and tied her to the coat tree. When she began to struggle, the other students began firing weapons.

It wasn’t until Mrs. Wallace walked out of the classroom kitchen dressed as a pilgrim and carrying the turkey, that the students stopped reigning blows upon Garaloo’s dainty body.

“I don’t know where they got this silly idea that fighting took place on American soil,” Mrs. Wallace said, nursing the India burn on her arm. “The kids came at me like savages.”

Wallace avows to leading American history lessons with talks of the wholesomeness and love between pilgrims and Indians, and remains unsure of how the children could have perceived the occurrences on the holiday differently.

“The school has a strict policy on teaching the facts about early American history,” Principal Funkerdast said. “Pilgrims were nothing more than good American people who came here to share the land with the Indians.”

Babysitter Surveillance Camera Catches Nothing Unusual

Raleigh, NC - After watching a CNN special on babysitters caught abusing children on camera, the Drakes’ became suspicious of the 15 years old girl who was watching their two children Friday evenings.

The couple spent a whopping $100,000 to set up hidden cameras in the living room, kitchen and bedrooms, to find out just what was going on when they were away from their kids.

Much to their dismay, when the Drakes’ returned home to watch the videos they saw footage of the babysitter Cat playing Monopoly with little Sarah and Frank, preparing succulent and well-balanced meals for dinner, and reading them bedtime stories at their appropriate bedtime.

“She did pick her nose just before giving the kids their dinner, so that is something we will continue to monitor,” Dana Drake said.

While their children remain safe and secure in the arms of babysitter Cat, the Drakes hope and pray that other Americans will catch babysitters committing acts of atrocity before it is too late.

U.S. Girl Scouts in Need of Financial Bailout

National- Girl Scout cookie sales crumbled this morning, sending troops across America into a perpetual state of fear and worry.

“My hard work and investments are worthless.” 13-year old Carolyn Reiss, who was hoping to win a 6-inch talking stuffed dolphin for her annual sales record said.

Since the price of Girl Scout cookies had jumped to a whopping $15.00 per box, the younglings have been relying heavily on the ‘honesty policy borrowing plan’ and engaging in shady business deals with Hasbro, the company who sells Easy-Bake Oven. It wasn’t until the organization’s National Treasurer, 11-year old Sammy Winters opened her Hello Kitty notebook to calculate the year’s profits, that anyone realized the group was in trouble.

“So far we’ve gone to our parents and neighborhood friends for aide, but it is not enough to pay off the $2 billion we owe for flour, sugar, and our stock of prizes,” Winters said.

Troops from around the nation are planning a surge on Washington in the hopes that the U.S. Treasury will buy up toxic cookies.