Obama Challenges Cities to Game of Rocks-paper-scissors for 2016 Olympics Bid

NATIONAL - In an effort to facilitate Friday's vote by the IOC for the prize honor of hosting the 2016 summer Olympics, U.S. President Barack Obama is flying to Copenhagen to challenge representatives from Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo to a democratic game of rocks-paper-scissors.

The White House announcement on Monday that President Barack Obama would fly in to the Danish capital to appear before the International Olympic Committee ready to throw fists in support of Chicago's bid for the Games with was the news the other three candidates least wanted.

“Rocks-paper-scissors is the most democratic game I can think of," Obama said before boarding his plan with famous manicurist, Fiona LaPone. "Just think of how different the world would be if we used this to decide the 2000 election.”

Rock-Paper-Scissors (also known as jan-ken-pon and rochambeau) is a two-person hand game where the players count to three preparing to ‘throw’ their hands into one of three gestures.

“I think a tequila drinking game would be better,” Madrid official Enricho Swalabez said.

Nevertheless, all countries bidding to host the Olympics have been practicing strategies to help them win the best two out of three.

“We will wrap our wrists in rice so there is no spraining, Tokyo official Chen Zi Tsunam said.

President Obama and Kids Panhandle to Assuage Country's Debt

President Obama and daughter's Sasha and Malia were spotted this morning panhandling on Constitution Ave. NW to generate funds for struggling banks and news organizations around the nation.

Obama and his two daughters wore tattered clothes and wigs and held out tin cans as they huddled together begging for charity from all passers-by. By the time they left the side of the road to break for lunch in their extravagant home, the the family had accumulated 27.00 and a broken button, money the president hopes will assuage the country’s soaring debt.

"I can't offer tax breaks to companies without putting the money where my mouth is," Obama said scratching at the white beard glued to his face. “It’s all about giving money to the people that need it, and if I can't lead this country by example then I have failed as president."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told news sources that "times were tough," and the President was "running out of options for dealing with America's economic crisis.

Teachers and administrators at the Obama girls' prestigious school went to Child Protection Services immediately after the incident to question the validity of the two daughter's being out of school and engaging in an illegal act. While officials are screening the case, Obama remains steadfast on his actions and the impact they have on his daughters' lives.

"They are the next generation, and if they don't know how to get money when the going gets tough, all hope will be lost," he said.

New Bose Headphones Promise Deafening Sound

National – Privately-held American audio equipment Bose has just announced their new line of headphones that guarantee deafening sound.

The Acoustic Cancelhear headphones come with advanced noise reduction capabilities and guarantee that a listener will go completely deaf within the first five minutes of using the comfortable fitting stylish set.

“It’s a small price to pay to hear the greatest sound of your life,” BOSE engineer Warren gates yelled into the microphone. “Hello, is this thing on?” he looked around quizzically.

The headphones have gone through hundreds of test subjects who approve of the sound quality and agree it is worth the $400.00 price tag.

After sampling the Acoustic Cancelhear headphones, consumer Phil Garrrick had this to say, “What? I can’t hear you?”

President Obama Caught Pushing Political Agenda on Local Pigeons

President Barack Obama was caught by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs harassing pigeons in the middle of public defecation rituals early Tuesday in the White House garden.

The pigeons, said to be minding their own business, were suddenly frightened by the appearance of Mr. Obama who took the opportunity of a crowd to force-feed his Democratic position.

“I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals and to do everything you can to keep city statues clean and provide food for yourselves,” Obama said loosening his tie.

He went on to exhort the confused pigeons to “get cracking with building their own nests,” and “stop bumming around the streets looking for handouts.”

In response the pigeons rocked their heads two and fro in a mixture of inanity and hunger, and flew off White House grounds when the president attempted to shake their wings.

“Who does he think he is tellin’ us how to do our business?” Good Pigeon Wally the Wing said. “Is he some kind of a tough guy or somepin’? Then he tries to touch my wing? Who knows what diseases those humans are carrying?”

Area pigeons shared their outrage with several conservative organizations accusing Obama of trying to pitch his arguments too aggressively to a minority that has no relevance to human affairs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to start chirping about pigeon rights and once they get their laws in place it will ruin things for myself and every other public urinator out there,” Fox News host Sean Hannity said.

Hurricane Jimena Contracts Swine Flu in Mexico

Los Cabos – Hurricane Jimena weakened after slamming Mexico’s Baja California peninsula with howling winds and torrential rain on Wednesday, but quickly degenerated when it began suffering from swine flu symptoms including lethargy, burning eye and dizziness.

The dangerous category 4 storm was 65 miles south-southeast of Cabo San Lazaro and moving north-northwest when citizens learned of its medical condition and stepped out of their homes in 105mph winds to leave cans of chicken noodle soup and chamomile tea for the hurricane.

“I tried to take his [Jimena’s] temperature, but he just threw me to the ground,” Los Cabos resident Rafael Carlos Rosadda said. “My uncle’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law had Swine Flu last year, and I would not wish that on any one,”

The Mexican government is trying to treat Jimena’s case of Swine Flu like any other, but thus far has had little success in quarantining the tempest.

“I do not understand why he won’t take our medical advice. It is a very sick and stupid hurricane.” Dr. Angel Cardonnes said.