Cows Upset About Pork in Healthcare Reform Bill

Nebraska- Cows came out in force Sunday, protesting all of the pork Senate has stuffed into a U.S. healthcare reform bill—in particular for Nebraska Democrat Ben Nelson—to facilitate its passage.

The animals say they feel cheated by swine after decades of providing a variety of meats and rinds to the American people and are disgraced by the ability for “some little piggies to get their way after going ‘wee, wee, wee’”.

“I’ll rip out my side and give it to a family of four as long as the American government stops stuffing swine into everything in this country,” spokescow Sammy Moo said. “America is all about all-beef and I for one would like to keep it that way.”

The cow community put up quite a moo as they marched to City Hall to demand justice where spent the ensuing hours presenting the crowd of politicians and news stations with figures and charts validating the superior health benefits and nutrients in their red meat.

Additional spending and provisions in the bill, considered wasteful by most critics, includes money for walking paths, jungle gyms and farmers’ markets around the nation, along with a cool $45m for Nelson's state of Nebraska over 10 years.

“We cost $3.99 lb at the local grocery store,” cow leader Al Beef said. “These pigs live in squalor and fill up humans with cholesterol and empty calories which will drive healthcare costs up even more.”

The protest remained mostly peaceful with only three tippings from local miscreants and off-duty officers, and the cows retreated to their pastures by 8 that evening.

Large Hadron Collider Generates Pac-Men

Geneva – Scientists were amazed late Tuesday night when the recently turned on particle accelerator smashed together opposing particle beams of protons and lead nuclei and produced several miniature Pac-Men.

The machine began spewing out the arcade game characters only minutes after it began its prolific objective of recreating the formation of our universe. The three-dimensional particles spilled out of the machine and began eating every circular object in sight, fleeing into dark corners when any ghost-like being came near them.

“We didn’t know what to expect, and certainly expected nothing this great,” Physicist and life-long gamer Lars Olfinson said. “The existence of Pac Men is far more important than the existence of anything else human might ponder, even the existence of God.”

After hours of chasing the new species around the laboratory, scientists set up a trap to contain all ten of them in a cage, although one evaporated upon coming into contact with one of the scientist’s ghost-ring. Scientists will begin performing experiments to explore the chemical makeup and biology of these animals and discern if they are in fact what created our universe and life on Earth.

“We find that they really like to move around in the rat mazes,” scientist Greta Schussesser said.
Workers at CERN, the European Center for Nuclear Research are scheduled to turn Large Hadron Collider on again in March 2010 when they will begin their search for Super Mario Bros.

Obama Unveils Afghan Plan with G.I. Joe and Power Rangers Action Figures

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama last night enumerated on his war strategy in Afghanistan with the aid of GiJoe and Power Rangers action figures.

The mock set-up was unveiled to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, where Obama represented himself as Captain America and Taliban leaders as Mr. Potato Heads.

“We had to use a Barbie mansion for one of the diorama’s so I ask that American’s use their imagination to see that this is in fact a Taliban training ground.”

There were also pictures of pink army tanks with flowers and nuclear weapons full of flowers drawn by the president’s two daughters Malia and Sasha.

“He knows how to talk to the people in a way that we can understand, using images and drawings to clarify his position on this enduring war that has cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

Obama also stressed the importance of the war in Afghanistan being an ‘international effort’ to which American allies Canada and Germany responded by offering Captain Canada and HaPe – Tasia “Meerjungfrauen-Spielwelt” toys.

Quebec Chef Chastised for Serving Thanksgiving Poutine

Derby Line, VT-An American family chastised a Canadian Chef yesterday when he served them a Thanksgiving poutine at his restaurant along the United States-Canada border.

The Henderson’s car broke down around 5pm on Thursday on their way to a cousin’s house in a neighboring town when they entered the restaurant famished and requested a Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one they were missing.

Canadian Chef Pierre Chammoneuvre modified a Quebec diner staple consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curd and covered with brown gravy to include stuffing, cranberries and pieces of turkey that he presented to the family with warm holiday wishes.

“It was disgusting and a mockery of one of the greatest holidays,” Mr. Henderson said. “The kids were screaming and scared shitless and my wife hasn’t stopped crying since.”

Chammoneuvre says he chose the dish in an effort to bring Americans and Canadians together on the holiday and never expected such an adverse reaction.

“Maybe I overdid the cheese curds and gravy,” he said.

The Henderson’s said they would not press charges and plan on entering therapy to overcome this incident and hopefully reclaim some semblance of their previous life.

“Thanksgiving will never be the same,” Mrs. Henderson said.

German Tourist Outraged by Lack of Dispute at Theater Arts Panel

New York-German Tourist Greta Von Haussen expressed outrage last night at a panel sponsored by NYU’s Journalism Department on the changing landscape of theater and theater reviews.

The panel contained a journalist, a blogger, and a performer, and centered around the impact that “citizen journalists” have on theater reviews and people’s appreciation for the arts—a topic the German tourist could not understand.

After asking several inarticulate and irrelevant questions to the humble panelists, Haussen began screaming and demanding that she see an argument.

“Vhere is ze contradiction? I came to see you arkue but it seems like you just vent to be nice to each other,” Haussen said. “I vant to get my money’s vorth. I vant a real debate.”

The panel assembled as a way for prospective graduate students of NYU’s journalism program to get involved with local media, and offered free tickets and refreshments for the sophisticated audience.

“We were just talking about how the online media affects theater reviews,” confused moderator Bill Sarrmon said.

Free Lube Jobs to Help Fight Homophobia

Starbucks announced yesterday the, get a free lube job with any store purchase to help fight homophobia initiative, after getting on board with a new non-governmental organization (NGO), GayOkay.

American actor, Ben Affleck began the NGO to help bring awareness to the growing homosexual community and provide a springboard for anyone else ‘who wants to give being gay a spin’.

“I am very pleased that Starbucks has agreed to work with me and I guarantee we will see a reduction in homophobia once coffee customers get in line for their free lube jobs,” Affleck told to a crowd of teens outside a Wichita Kansas Starbucks.

For the next few weeks, at Starbucks around the country, gay men will be standing near the condiments section ready to give customers a jolt that no caffeinated beverage will ever provide.

BJ Volunteer, Ed Whites told reporters he is eager to help out in any way and will try his hardest to bring awareness to the hetero community.

“I can hardly contain my excitement at the prospects and if Ben Affleck approves then I know it’s the right thing to do.”

Walmart Offers Gynecological Exams at Check-out Lines

National - The American chain of discount department stores has announced that along with slashing prices on holiday dinner favorites, televisions and other electronics throughout their stores they will begin offering gynecological exams and last-minute medical care to customers waiting in the checkout lines.

The news comes just days after the store cut prices to help compete with other stores like Kmart and Target, who have drastically reduced prices in preparation for the holiday rush.

“I have to wait down at the welfare office for 3 hours every week, I don’t got time to see a doctor, so I can get a quick check-up when I’m in line to buy my cigarettes and ramen noodles.” Walmart shopper Barbie Petucki said.

Walmart spokesperson Seth McFaden says the exams will be performed by GED holders who are equipped with the basic anatomy skills and street smarts to detect the most elusive STD’s and infections.

“They know what a knife or scalpel looks like, and most of our staff has had to perform at least one abortion on their own already so we’re pretty confident in their abilities.”

Democrats Opt for Government-Run Trick-or-Treating

Washington-In an effort to make Halloween safer and more fun for children and adults this year, Democrats opt for government-run trick-or-treating.

The festivities will take place in Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Massachusetts, and will cost tax-payers upwards of $2 million to cover costumes, candy and scary decorations.

White House Halloween Czar Martin Glumpker unveiled this morning the ghost, pumpkin or President Obama costumes celebrants can choose from and explained the list of 58,931 rules to representatives in the three states.

“We will have police officers on every corner around neighborhoods to monitor activity and confiscate any suspicious treats and send them to the lab for testing,” Gumpker said. “And if the results on the candy come back negative, we will return it to the child in 3-6 months.”

President Obama is thrilled with his involvement in this year’s holiday and vows to follow the same procedures as everyone else who is walking in a single file line from house to house.

“This year is going to be safe and fun,” President Obama said adjusting his President Obama mask.

U.S. Pay Czar Demands 50 Cents for Vending Machine

Washington-Kenneth Feinberg, the treasury Department’s special master for compensation was spotted in the Capitol building earlier today demanding 50 cents from passers-by so that he could get a snack out of the vending machine.

He feverishly searched under the machine and on the floor before hurling threats at any government official or tourist who would listen.

“I will not work towards lowering total compensation for the 25 highest-paid employees at seven firms receiving large sums of government aid until I have eaten a bag of Fritos,” he said.

Mr. Feinberg was appointed in June 2009 by the Obama Administration to oversee the compensation of top executives at companies which have received federal bailout assistance, and most of his colleagues agree that he is difficult to work with.

“It’s usually around meal times that he gets arrogant and angry,” Vice President Joe Biden said.
Feinberg remained in the hallway stamping his feet and screaming obscenities until a homeless man dropped two dirty coins at his feet.

“He needed it more than me,” homeless man Bob said swatting the flies away from his body.

Once placated by the high sodium and fat content in the packaged food, Feinberg justified his outburst saying, “I will work effortlessly to ensure that a change machine be placed next to vending machines in 500 of the nation’s biggest corporate firms.”

Homeland Security Makes Fashion Top Priority

New York City - Renowned department store Century 21 is slated to receive a grant of $12m from the Department of Homeland Security in a new initiative called, “cover-your ass security.”

The proposal comes after reports were unveiled suspecting the store of being a breeding ground for terrorists who seek top quality designer fashion at extensive discount prices while desiring to annihilate the very principles this country was founded on.

“We must keep our designer fashions at discount prices safe,” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said showing off his new Armani suit outside of City Hall early this morning. “Our country prides itself on cheap clothes, and we must defend these objects with all our power.”

The “cover-your ass security” initiative involves an extensive network of security cameras, robots, weapons-detectors and clothing purchase profiling.

“We know that most anti-Americans buy pima cotton and fondue pots, so we have to discriminate against anyone who makes that kind of a purchase,” Manager Frank Smarts said. “And because it’s easy to spot a terrorist by the clothes they wear, we will program our terrorist identifying robots to attack and arrest any customer wearing terrorist clothes.”

The Department of Homeland Security is also considering more funding to ensure other American staples like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Burger King, and Seven Eleven remain safe from terrorism.

New Online Dating Site for Sex Offenders

New York – Rapeume.com is a new website designed specifically for sex offenders around the country to socialize and romanticize among their peers.

The website culls information from state sex-offender registries into profiles that viewers can browse to gauge compatibility with other rapists and pedophiles. The website also offers dating tips on how to have a romantic dinner while on house arrest and what to do when he says no.

New York State registered sex offender Harold Herman developed the site in August to help him cultivate relationships among his peers.

“I’ve never had much luck with romance,” Herman said in a recent interview. “but it makes it easier if everything is consensual.”

The site has accumulated much interest in its nascence, with around 230,000 registered users logging in daily to view profiles or message one another. The more enthusiastic users have augmented the website to include fetish chat rooms and meet-and-greet sessions playfully called gang bangs.

The new website had some law makers questioning the soundness of socialization among the nation’s outcast, but those views are changing as the numbers of rapes and molestations decreases.

In a recent press conference on the matter, New York official Warren McFly said, “As long as we shove them into a dark corner of society with the smokers and alcoholics, I don’t see any problem with it.”

President Ahmadinejad Enters Therapy to Diffuse Aggression, Not WMD’s

Tehran –Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently began therapy for his anger issues and discovered that his aggressive nature is linked to not having a G.I. Joe action figure in his youth.

Ahmadinejad started therapy after receiving such a negative response from other nations about his actions and demeanor and being told—on countless occasions—to “lighten up,” by cabinet members.

“I not so good with talking to any people, especially the ladies” Ahmadinejad said during an online video conference. “Therapy make me stronger, better man and teach me to accept childhood with no toys.”

A staff of six highly trained psychologists and psychiatrists have been working with the president around the clock to deal with his childhood resentments and regrets, and to prepare him for handling the stressful job of president.

“We are working on his self-esteem issues and are encouraging him to join social networking groups and online dating sites to practice what he is learning.”

Therapy sessions include the use of arts and crafts, dream analysis, and emotional freedom techniques where safety words are employed to ensure against recidivism.

“We are just taking things slow,” Head Psychologist Dr. Glucklie said. “The important thing is to get him talking about his emotions so he does not do something rash, like blow up a country.”

Obama Challenges Cities to Game of Rocks-paper-scissors for 2016 Olympics Bid

NATIONAL - In an effort to facilitate Friday's vote by the IOC for the prize honor of hosting the 2016 summer Olympics, U.S. President Barack Obama is flying to Copenhagen to challenge representatives from Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo to a democratic game of rocks-paper-scissors.

The White House announcement on Monday that President Barack Obama would fly in to the Danish capital to appear before the International Olympic Committee ready to throw fists in support of Chicago's bid for the Games with was the news the other three candidates least wanted.

“Rocks-paper-scissors is the most democratic game I can think of," Obama said before boarding his plan with famous manicurist, Fiona LaPone. "Just think of how different the world would be if we used this to decide the 2000 election.”

Rock-Paper-Scissors (also known as jan-ken-pon and rochambeau) is a two-person hand game where the players count to three preparing to ‘throw’ their hands into one of three gestures.

“I think a tequila drinking game would be better,” Madrid official Enricho Swalabez said.

Nevertheless, all countries bidding to host the Olympics have been practicing strategies to help them win the best two out of three.

“We will wrap our wrists in rice so there is no spraining, Tokyo official Chen Zi Tsunam said.

President Obama and Kids Panhandle to Assuage Country's Debt

President Obama and daughter's Sasha and Malia were spotted this morning panhandling on Constitution Ave. NW to generate funds for struggling banks and news organizations around the nation.

Obama and his two daughters wore tattered clothes and wigs and held out tin cans as they huddled together begging for charity from all passers-by. By the time they left the side of the road to break for lunch in their extravagant home, the the family had accumulated 27.00 and a broken button, money the president hopes will assuage the country’s soaring debt.

"I can't offer tax breaks to companies without putting the money where my mouth is," Obama said scratching at the white beard glued to his face. “It’s all about giving money to the people that need it, and if I can't lead this country by example then I have failed as president."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told news sources that "times were tough," and the President was "running out of options for dealing with America's economic crisis.

Teachers and administrators at the Obama girls' prestigious school went to Child Protection Services immediately after the incident to question the validity of the two daughter's being out of school and engaging in an illegal act. While officials are screening the case, Obama remains steadfast on his actions and the impact they have on his daughters' lives.

"They are the next generation, and if they don't know how to get money when the going gets tough, all hope will be lost," he said.

New Bose Headphones Promise Deafening Sound

National – Privately-held American audio equipment Bose has just announced their new line of headphones that guarantee deafening sound.

The Acoustic Cancelhear headphones come with advanced noise reduction capabilities and guarantee that a listener will go completely deaf within the first five minutes of using the comfortable fitting stylish set.

“It’s a small price to pay to hear the greatest sound of your life,” BOSE engineer Warren gates yelled into the microphone. “Hello, is this thing on?” he looked around quizzically.

The headphones have gone through hundreds of test subjects who approve of the sound quality and agree it is worth the $400.00 price tag.

After sampling the Acoustic Cancelhear headphones, consumer Phil Garrrick had this to say, “What? I can’t hear you?”

President Obama Caught Pushing Political Agenda on Local Pigeons

President Barack Obama was caught by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs harassing pigeons in the middle of public defecation rituals early Tuesday in the White House garden.

The pigeons, said to be minding their own business, were suddenly frightened by the appearance of Mr. Obama who took the opportunity of a crowd to force-feed his Democratic position.

“I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals and to do everything you can to keep city statues clean and provide food for yourselves,” Obama said loosening his tie.

He went on to exhort the confused pigeons to “get cracking with building their own nests,” and “stop bumming around the streets looking for handouts.”

In response the pigeons rocked their heads two and fro in a mixture of inanity and hunger, and flew off White House grounds when the president attempted to shake their wings.

“Who does he think he is tellin’ us how to do our business?” Good Pigeon Wally the Wing said. “Is he some kind of a tough guy or somepin’? Then he tries to touch my wing? Who knows what diseases those humans are carrying?”

Area pigeons shared their outrage with several conservative organizations accusing Obama of trying to pitch his arguments too aggressively to a minority that has no relevance to human affairs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to start chirping about pigeon rights and once they get their laws in place it will ruin things for myself and every other public urinator out there,” Fox News host Sean Hannity said.

Hurricane Jimena Contracts Swine Flu in Mexico

Los Cabos – Hurricane Jimena weakened after slamming Mexico’s Baja California peninsula with howling winds and torrential rain on Wednesday, but quickly degenerated when it began suffering from swine flu symptoms including lethargy, burning eye and dizziness.

The dangerous category 4 storm was 65 miles south-southeast of Cabo San Lazaro and moving north-northwest when citizens learned of its medical condition and stepped out of their homes in 105mph winds to leave cans of chicken noodle soup and chamomile tea for the hurricane.

“I tried to take his [Jimena’s] temperature, but he just threw me to the ground,” Los Cabos resident Rafael Carlos Rosadda said. “My uncle’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law had Swine Flu last year, and I would not wish that on any one,”

The Mexican government is trying to treat Jimena’s case of Swine Flu like any other, but thus far has had little success in quarantining the tempest.

“I do not understand why he won’t take our medical advice. It is a very sick and stupid hurricane.” Dr. Angel Cardonnes said.

Michelle Obama Says Healthcare Debate is Ruining her Sex life

Washington - During a recent meeting between President Barack Obama and Congress, First Lady Michelle stormed the stage and grabbed hold of the microphone took hold of the microphone, entreating officials to make a decision so her and the president could focus on personal issues, tertiary to healthcare.

“My husband is completely drained of energy by night time and a lady, even the first lady, has her sexual needs too,” she said before White House security offered her a xanax.

She went on explain the salubrious benefits of sex, and advocated intercourse as a key to fixing healthcare in America.

“I don’t know about you, but I put on my White House teddy and wait for Barack in the oval office, and when he comes in I just want to rip that suit off of him and—“Mrs. Obama began to slur her words as the medication took effect.

A crowd of women gathered at the White House gates along with their reluctant partners, to listen to the speech over TV monitors on the lawn.

“Umhum girlfriend,” DC resident Daria Thompson said smacking her husband’s on the shoulder.

When asked about his wife’s outburst and the low libido allegations, President Obama had this to say, “Well, you know what they say about black men.”

Air Force Holds Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber

Washington - The United States Air Force held a bake sale outside the Pentagon yesterday to raise money to purchase a long sought-after B-1 Lancer bomber.

From 10am to 3PM, a squadron of officers sold chocolate chip cookies, apple pies, snicker doodles, and ‘fudge packer’ cupcakes (a specialty of Second Lieutenant Gaspecks) at reasonable prices from the side of the road.

“I beat those eggs just like I’m going to beat those Iraqi’s,” Airman Roy Chimiko said of cooking preparations. “And I’ll defend, and protect my snicker doodles anywhere, at anytime,” he finished with a salute.

Sales on the baked goods remained steady throughout the morning until neighborhood kids set up their lemonade stand across the street and began stealing customers who preferred a cool beverage on the hot summer day. Sales on the Air Force’s baked goods resumed, however after Corporal Buddy Holmes threatened the 8-year olds with a M120 120 mm mortar.

“We had to apply our mission in the armed services to this bake sale and dominate enemy operations in all dimensions,” Holmes said. “Bake, fight, win.”

Profits from the bake sale topped off at $58.03, a mere 1/9689th of the price of their prized bomber, forcing the men to take further action. Next weekend the Air Force will hold a raffle and talent show where Second Lieutenant Gaspecks will woo the crowd with his gun swallowing.

Other fundraising ideas include a car wash, Tupperware parties, and Bingo.

Satan Announces New Hellcare Plan

Hell - Satan and his army of demons finalized a plan on Wednesday meant to make it easier for the dead to be forced into excruciating medical procedures and be exposed to noxious medicines and gases while undergoing treatment in the underworld.

The regulations spell out more clearly which experimental medicines are legal for demons to use on the dead and clarifies obligatory payments that most residents of Hell lack.

“I want to ensure that souls are as miserable as possible as they are burning for all eternity,” the devil announced in a statement broadcasted to Earth’s surface. “We are working on creating Hellcare cards to ensure that people do not get the coverage they need, but the torture we think they deserve.”

Recently Hellcare providers have been springing up throughout the underworld to provide the dead with an infinite amount of pain and suffering at soaring prices with seemingly no end to the horror.

In the town of Burn, residents gathered in the sea of snakes and piranhas to hear the news.
“Ahh, it hurts. The pain, the pain,” resident Dominique Flarten said.

Once news of the underworld reached the surface of the world, humans from across the globe began picketing and demanding similar guarantees and reform from their officials.

Georgetown University Sociology major Teddy Buckington organized a rally outside of the White House, lauding Satan's efforts and demanding that Americans be given healthcare as good as Hell's.

“Hellcare is all we have to live for anymore,” Buckington said.

Bill Clinton Teaches Kim Jong-Il Yoga during Recent Visit

Pyongyang - During a recent visit to North Korea where Clinton tried to win freedom for two jailed American journalists, the former U.S. President showed Jong-Il the healing power of yoga.

Upon first seeing the leader, Clinton said he looked ‘stressed out’ and ‘needed to loosen up’ and offered to teach him some basic yoga techniques in a back room of his palace.

“You have to free yourself before you can help anyone else,” Clinton said from a down dog position in a spandex jumper.

Kim Jong-Il, whose health has recently been in decline, expressed thanks to Clinton for helping him engage in a more salubrious lifestyle involving meditation and flexible postures. However, the ailing leader’s views on nuclear proliferation and American ties remain rigid.

After a guided five-minute meditation, Jong-Il declined to comment on the purpose of Clinton’s trip and only had this to say, “Our nucwear weapons weew kiw Amewican yoga pweepwe.”

Funding Sought for U.S. Panty Raid

Washington – The U.S. government is currently seeking funding for its new Panty Raid Program, which will allow consumers to trade-in their used panties, jock straps and brassieres for more green undergarments.

Department stores began offering government-backed rebates last week of up to $30.00 to consumers who trade-in their padded bras and extra-hard jock straps for more natural underclothes.

“We will take your old, your poor and your soiled underwear,” one store window sign read.

This follows with President Barack Obama’s environmentally conscious administration, that says companies like Fruit of the Loom and Victoria’s Secret are being wasteful with the planet’s resources for cotton and other natural fibers.

“I won’t stop until everyone is stripped of excess undergarments,” President Obama said to a crowd of young women who waved their bras in the air. “If we can fit three people into one pair of underwear, then I know I am doing my job right.”

Members of nudist colonies across the nation have lined up to demand recognition for their environmentally friendly ways and tax breaks on heating costs in the wintertime.

“It’s a natural lifestyle, but it gets damn cold in the wintertime,” Nudist chuck Norise said.

U.S. Condemns Soldiers for not Using Hanky

KABUL- The U.S. military denounced on Tuesday American soldiers stationed throughout Afghanistan for not properly concealing their germs after they sneeze.

The information on regiments’ lack of hygiene oozed out after dozens of infantries fell sick en route to attack a small town, but were instead bed-ridden. The cold strain also spread to opposing soldiers and civilians in the towns of Balkh and Dey-E-Bagh.

"This is a real problem.” Col. Sanders said folding red, white, and blue handkerchiefs, “Innocent people are getting sick and dying from our germs and that’s not the way to fight a war.”

The U.S. military has begun taking measures to enforce new safety codes in all their battalions offering soldiers hand sanitizer and boxes of tissues and posting signs around the barracks, with friendly reminders like, wipe your nose before you touch a gun.

Feeling sorry for disrupting a war by spreading their germs, several ailing U.S. soldiers shipped attached gift baskets filled with chicken soup, Kleenex boxes and herbal tea to terrorist groups stationed in Afghanistan.

“We’ve got a war to fight out there, and if both sides are sick as dogs, we’re not doing our jobs right.”

New York Doormen Still Waiting For Sidewalk to Grow

New York City door attendants, notorious for hosing down sidewalks in the early morning hours, are fed up that their concrete has not grown, and announced an initiative to promote sidewalk proliferation.

“Concrete America,” had their first meeting last night on the city’s Upper West Side, where doormen and maintenance workers shared their experience being amateur ‘white thumbs’ and spoke of their hopes for the future.

“I see a world with concrete as far as the eye can see, that grows out of the ground like vegetables, where little kids can roll around on it and play,” sidewalk hoser Sam Redkin said from the podium.

The doormen concluded that they would achieve their goals by following in the footsteps of the green initiative and offering seminars on where concrete came from as well as tips on how to maintain a healthy sidewalk. Some even spoke of opening a store that sells sidewalk production tools, like sidewalk buffers and mowers, hoes, rakes and cement mixtures and food.

“Someday, I’m going to mow this sidewalk,” 224 W. 90th doorman, Larry Mack said, scraping his hand along the rough surface.

Lone Tree Responsible for Three-Car Pile-Up

Tempeh – A twelve-foot Chorisia insignis tree along interstate 40 in Arizona is being charged with murder after causing a three-car pile-up that left four dead and three others injured.

All of the victims were good friends, returning home from a peyote party in the desert when someone in the first car realized they were heading for a tree. Most assumed what they saw was a hallucination, but reality was confirmed after it was too late.

“It was a total buzz kill,” Wendy Sparks spoke through her ventilator. “I was paying attention to the dancing teeth in the waves, then wham—“

Lawyers are currently trying to work out the details of the case before going to court, but there is speculation suggesting any money they can claim for their injuries will come from the malicious tree.

“What is this world coming to when a mother has to be afraid of her kids getting injured by a tree,” Mary-Lou Pact, mother of one of the deceased teenagers said.

For now, the remaining survivors have been spotted congregating in hospital rooms to mourn the loss of their friends and share a ‘fat spliff’.

“If it’s one thing I learned from this whole incident, it’s to never try to change the radio station when you’re driving,” driver Tom Phills said.

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin Enrolls in Taxidermy Course at Community College

Anchorage- Just one week after resigning as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin announced on national TV that she is enrolling in taxidermy courses at the local community college.

In the middle of an interview with CBS anchor Marty McFly, Palin blurted out the news in response to a question about her professional relationship with John McCain.

“The forest animals won’t judge me the way humans do,” she said, pulling up her hot pink fatigues. “And now I can be close to my family and close to my gun.”

For a public life marred with non-sequiturs, it was no surprise that anything out of the hockey mom’s mouth would lead to confusion and unanswered questions among her circle of supporters and critics.

Anchorage Community College says they are happy to have the ex-governor as part of their student body and will do anything in their power to make the mother of five (possibly 6) comfortable.

“There really is no Taxidermy School on our campus,” ACC Dean Martha Gombalt said. “But we Alaskans feel she [Ms. Palin] should be supervised with a gun while having the opportunity to hone her ‘special’ skills.”

School administrators have also agreed to charge Ms. Palin twice the normal tuition rate as collateral in case she decides to quit before completion of her degree.

Tourist Admits to Not Wearing Flip Flops in Pool Area

Los Angeles – Gretta Ahmen, a tourist staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, tearfully admitted on Wednesday she had been walking around the hotel’s luxurious pool area without the required footwear.

The announcement came in the middle of a poolside party with such notable celebrities as Kate Hudson and Matt Damon, when Ms. Ahmen coerced the DJ to turn off the techno music and grabbed hold of the microphone.

“I am sorry for not wearing my flip flops by the pool,” she said to the confused crowd. “I cannot fiend ignorance for this infraction of the rules. I am responsible for my poor judgment and will do anything in my power to make this right.”

Before Ms. Ahmen was escorted out of the VIP section by security, she agreed to pay extra on her nightly fee and offered to help the cleaning staff the next time they were scheduled to clean the pool area.

“We are impressed that someone would to admit to something so stupid,” hotel manager, Greg Pitekas said. “The pool rules are clearly posted on one of the rafters, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Top Business Schools Teach Students Proper Bathroom Etiquette

National – Corporate complaints have recently spawned a high demand for courses on proper bathroom protocol at top business schools around the country.

Starting in Fall 09, The University of Chicago Booth, NYU Stern, and Stanford University will offer courses on how to properly flush toilets, how to decipher a garbage can from a sink, and what to do when the paper runs out, to give their business school students a leg up on life in corporate America.

Northwestern University Dean Gary Hanns came up with the idea for these mandatory courses after several complaints about interns at high profile corporations.

“Everyone gets so caught up in doing a good job that they forget how to do basic things like flush a toilet,” Hanns said. “This new protocol will only make our graduates stronger, able to face any stubborn toilet around the world.”

Although the new curriculum has not been completely “ironed out”, experts are specifically tailoring lessons with algorithms and catchy tunes for business-minded students.

“With these new skills I can flush my fears down the drain,” Warren Gates, who is matriculating into Stern in the fall said.

Clinton Threatens to Break More Bones if U.S. Does Not Implement Universal Health Care Plan

Washington- Hours after U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow on Wednesday she vowed to break more bones if the government does not implement her long sought after universal health care plan in the next few months.

Clinton was said to have been administered heavy sedatives just minutes before she began yelling expletives and ranting about what this country needs and how she is going to give it to them.

“This is only the beginning of what I am capable of doing,” Clinton spoke from outside The George Washington University Hospital just after she gave her ultimatum to the country. “I have grown in a deep and profound way,” she said in reference to the first grade morphine her health care plan covered.

The remainder of Clinton’s speech was inaudible due to further injections of sedatives on her request and she was said to have finally calmed down once home.

Republicans were quick to respond, claiming that Clinton’s efforts remain futile and only further their stance on why universal coverage is a bad idea.

“Women are so fickle and they always have to go the doctor’s to deal with their cycles and everything, so why should we have to pay for that?” Representative Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) said.

Town Welcomes Friendly Fire

Montana -The people of Great Falls gathered near the Rocky Mountains yesterday, welcoming a friendly fire as it blazed through acres of wilderness.

Firefighters and park workers arrived promptly on the scene, but refused to ‘put out something so nice.’ Instead, they joined forces with the townspeople who made cards and gift baskets for the enthusiastic blaze.

“The fire was just so cute so we wanted to express our gratitude with glitter pens and chocolates,” firefighter Dan Aberman said.

The fire continued traveling north during the early morning hours, obliterating trees, cabins and indigenous species, until it reached Alberta, Canada. Once on Canadian soil, officials from both countries commenced talks to determine the nationality of the fire, visa requirements, and so forth.

Great Falls Mayor, Bill Finniligluck vowed to get the fire back to American soil so it could bring further warm joy to the town.

“The Canadians wouldn’t know what to do with a friendly fire if it bit them in the ass,” Finniligluck said at a town hall that evening.

The locals remained near the Rocky Mountains well into this morning, saying their goodbyes and offering the fire a place to stay if it ever planned on returning.

“It’s hard to let something so nice just blaze out of our lives like that,” resident Bethany Kad choked out between sobs.

Officials Say City Buildings Are ‘Stressed Out’

New York- After performing official ‘stress tests’ on banking institutes and other long-standing buildings in the city, officials have determined that, much like their human counterparts, buildings in New York City are suffering from anxiety and tension.

The news comes on the heels of a recession that has seen massive building closures and construction halts, leaving centuries-old buildings feeling lonely and worthless.

“Feelings of depression are more concrete for establishments, and can only be broken down when we start to build relationships with them,” High-rise Hypnotist Larry Flindster said at a book signing for his newly released publication, Cry Building Cry.

Flindster is a frontrunner in a new line of therapy available to assist condominiums, brownstones, and low-rises in finding purpose to their lives through communication techniques and topical drugs.

President Barack Obama vowed to take this issue to a head, by spending part of the $768 billion bailout money to ensure that abandoned buildings be put to good use.

“We can’t be picky during these tough times,” Obama said during a press conference outside the White House, “and I encourage squatters, prostitutes and crack heads to give these lonely buildings something to live for.”

Pope Surrenders Holy Water at Airport Security

Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI was in hot water yesterday when he tried to get through security at Leonardo da Vinci-Fiumicino Airport with a bottle of holy water.

Security guard Reggie Smith took the bottle out of the pope’s bag and tossed it in the garbage can with various other plastics bottles containing liquid. The pope then accused Mr. Smith of being the devil and an argument ensued, delaying passengers’ movement through the gate.

“If I give him special treatment I’m going to have to give it to everyone else,” Mr. Smith said in defense. “It’s my neck if I let one liquid get through there.”

Other travelers agreed with the airport employee’s reaction and some even questioned the identity of God’s chosen leader of the Catholic Church.

“I’ve seen terrorist’s in better disguises than that,” American Airlines passenger Abu Da Lika said. “I was also a bit suspicious about his staff; that cross could really poke someone’s eye out.”

The irate Pope continued to his departure gate once security confirmed his identification, but he was unable to reclaim the blessed water.

Reporters caught up with his holiness at his connecting flight in Amsterdam, where he had this to say: Go to hell.

Job Cuts Force Newspapers to Recycle Articles

New York – Rampant job cuts in the newspapers industry have forced short-staffed editors to recycle old news, combining unfinished stories about the Obama Administration or Terrorism with articles from Theodore Roosevelt’s presidency or civil rights movements in the 60’s.

“I’ll admit it’s confusing at first,” Metro editor-in-chief Ralph Luckenlu said. “But we have to get papers out on the street and we don’t have time to follow up on stories and get better coverage of issues, so we just throw it together, or make it up like FOX news.”

The change in newspaper format has brought confusion to the masses that wake up fearing that a war is still being fought or question if Elvis is dead. Several Holocaust survivors were hospitalized when they read that Nazi Germany was advancing into Iran with nuclear weapons, and retired vaudevillians got ready for show time when they mistook the social networking site, Facebook for a New York stage.

“When I was a kid, newspapers only cost a nickel,” confused Washington Post reader Bernard Williams said.

Pope Teaches African Kids How to Turn Condoms Into Balloon Animals

Lagos-During a recent visit to Nigeria, Pope Benedict XVI instructed kids between the ages of 6 and 16 on how to turn condoms into balloon animals.

The children spent hours in the sweltering heat, blowing up latex condoms with spermicide or lubrication into ducks, dogs and giraffes, and were grateful for the fun and engaging lesson.

“This was not as boring as an instructional video or the regular sex ed. classes Americans have to take,” 7-year old Niki Tiki Gha told reporters.

The pope also prayed for a respite from poverty and disease in Africa during his visit. He said that once the country became peaceful, they can focus on maintaining an adequate supply of condoms to keep children entertained with balloon animal creations.

“STD’s and unwanted pregnancies are just as much baloney as the Holocaust,” the Pope said. “So I would rather spend time teaching kids to have fun, just like Jesus Christ did before he was hung on the cross.”

Statue of Liberty Threatens to Step Down Over 'Hairy' Matter

New York – The Statue of Liberty whose crown is scheduled to reopen July 4, threatens to quit her job if she does not get a new hairstyle before the commemorative day.

Since her crown was closed to the public on September 11, 2001, maintenance workers have tarnished Lady Liberty’s nose and robe and made improvements to her expanding waste line, leaving the ‘mop of hair’ atop her head untouched.

“My client can see all the latest hairstyles on New Yorkers, and she is left with a raggedy style from the 18th century,” the statue’s lawyer Ariana Funkle said.

First Lady Michelle Obama immediately responded, saying that despite not being made of steel, she can relate to the statue.

“Girl, my stylist needs to come out there and give some volume or a retro fro,” she told the statue during a press conference earlier today.

Since the news broke, stylists around the world are lining up with suggestions in the hopes they will be the one chosen to do this historic work.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has even offered to send top stylists from Vidal Sassoon to America to do the job, saying that France’s gift to America ‘should never go out of style.’

“I would offer her a bottle of wine or espresso, but I do not think a statue can move her arms.” Sarkozy said.

Penguin Community Demands Acknowledgment for Next Flu Strain

Antarctica-Hearing word of the recent publicity pigs have received over the Swine Flu epidemic, the penguin community came out in force, demanding to be the spokes models for the next flu strain that devastates humans.

The flightless birds claim pigs are taking the attention away from them and their melting habitats—similar to the attention cows received during the Mad Cow outbreak of 95--and they will not stand to be outshined by another animal.

“We are one of the cutest species in the world,” Snowflake the penguin said flapping his wings. “So why shouldn’t we be the models for a fatal disease?”

The penguins remained on the ice until well into the evening, complaining about other species like dogs, fish and humans, which are being recognized for diseases like ringworm, salmonella, and AIDS.

“My fellow penguins, we are not just wintertime accessories,” Snowflake squawked. “It is time we show the world that we are made of more than blubber.”

For their part, the penguins are working hard to contaminate the oceans, introduce toxins to the fish they encounter underwater, and help the ice caps melt, to further their goal of global recognition.

During a recent press conference about the matter, San Diego Zoo biologist, Burt Davis concluded, “These really aren't the smartest animals out there.”

Model Appalled to Find His Image on Cover of Gay Men's Magazine

San Francisco, CA - Twenty seven year old Stephan Drakore received a shock yesterday when he saw his image on the cover of the gay men's magazine, OUT while purchasing mineral water at a neighborhood grocery store.

The young model scrambled to get all magazines from the store shelf, but not before his father viewed the raunchy cover, where Drakore flexes on all fours on a bear rug wearing only a pair of underwear and scantily dressed men sip cocktails in a hot tub behind him.

Stephan’s father, Police Sergeant Lou Drakore, fell off the toilet and came to unable to explain what had happened or how he had even acquired a copy of the magazine.

“Someone must have slipped it under the door as a joke,” Sgt. Drakore said. “I just don’t know how it got here.”

These recent events have caused a stir in San Francisco’s gay community who are confident of the father and son’s hidden sexualities and have been encouraging the two men to ‘come out.’

"I told my father the same thing I am telling everyone else, 'I don't know how that photo got there, and thought I was modeling for another Calvin Klein ad'."

A phone call to Calvin Klein revealed they had never before signed Drakore for a shoot and were unsure of the confusion.

Obama Extends Unemployment Benefits to Robots

Washington - In a recent rally at a Washington area Walmart, President Barack Obama reassured America’s robotics community of not being shut off from unemployment benefits.

The American robotics population has seen massive cuts in all sectors due to manufacturer’s shutting down and employers unable to cover steep electricity bills.

"We will not leave the robot community behind,” Obama said to the self-checkout lines, and various electronic gadgets at the front of the store that have been contending with human beings for jobs since before the recession began. “And we will spread the wealth of jobs equally among humans and machines.”

Obama hopes to spur the growth of machines by investing part of the $210 billion to create jobs to robots that can power windmills, build cars, calculate budgets, cook food and fight wars.

When asked about its reassurance that the new president will take care of it, one robot said, "Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order"

Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day Overshadows Holocaust Remembrance

New York - Survivors of the Holocaust gathered at the Museum of Jewish Heritage in Lower Manhattan this morning to share their experiences in honor of Yom HaShoah, when one of the survivors got word of Ben and Jerry’s Free Cone Day and started a commotion that terminated the opening ceremony.

Elders reportedly scrambled for their walkers and canes, disregarding survivor Gilbert Friedman’s touching speech, and knocking over burning remembrance candles to flock to the nearest ice cream store for the free treat.

“At first we thought the man who yelled out about the ice cream was having a senile outburst,” museum curator Dorothy Weathers said. “We called security to restrain him for his own protection and the protection of others.”

The seniors rushed the security guards biting and kicking their way out of the museum and aimlessly wandered the street in search of the frozen treat.

“I have never seen them move so fast,” Nurse Walkman of Shady Acres retirement home said. “But the only thing Jews like more than free stuff is ice cream, so I was not too surprised by their excitement.”

When the Knesset, (Israel’s parliament) got word of the happenings in America, officials vowed to establish an ice cream eating ritual on Yom HaShoah to ease survivor’s weary minds.

Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin summed up the new edict in these words: “Ice cream may be the only thing these survivors have left.”

Global Seed Vault in Norway Adds Marijuana to the Mix

Longyearbyen - Norway’s seed vault, built to protect millions of food crops from being wiped out in wars or natural disasters, recently became home to 100,000 marijuana seeds.

The announcement came on the morning of April 20—the unofficial day of celebration for marijuana fans—to reassure stoners across the globe that a supply of wacky tobacky will see them through nuclear wars, genocides and fierce earthquakes and floods.

“We just got to chill out during the tough times,” Norway’s Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said during a press conference held at 4:20.

Considered the frozen ‘Garden of Eden,’ the global seed vault contains more than 1.5 million sample packages of crop seeds from carrots to wheat, and was not expected to carry a supply of cannabis until pot-smoking experts band together to show it’s necessity to the world.

“We have to get the munchies before we can eat fruits and vegetables, so we need the marijuana to give us the munchies, or our food supply won’t mean anything,” the former editor of High Times Steven Hager said with a mouthful of week-old half-baked brownies.

The signs of acceptance of these potent buds are everywhere, from statehouses—where more than half the world’s government officials have thrown down policy practice in favor of smoking a fat spliff—to schoolyards where children of all ages find confidence and recreation in the herbal medicine.

Government Officials Bicker Over Acronyms for Newest Programs

Washington - White House talks over the future of America lasted well into the evening yesterday, while country officials bickered over appropriate acronyms for new government-funded programs.

Staff members tossed around ideas for programs to make college more affordable for the middle class, with names like Cash Handed for Education and Progress (CHEAP), and Degenerate Unless Money Beg (DUMB), as well as names for health care reform including Dosage Instantaneous Ecstasy (DIE) and Offering Up Cheap Help (OUCH).

“This is one of the toughest parts about the job,” President Obama said in an e-mail sent from his Blackberry.

Around two this morning, officials reportedly raided the Obama’s game closet in the hopes of finding inspirational acronyms in Boggle and Scrabble, and called it a night around four.

"In the end we decided it would be best to employ linguists to head up our newest program: Creating Relevant Acronyms for Politicians (CRAP).” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced.

Geithner Says Treasure Map Will Lead U.S. Out of Recession

Washington - U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner laid out a treasure map found in a Captain Crunch cereal box Tuesday, which he claims will lead the U.S. to lost pirate treasure and out of the current recession.

Geithner says he came across the map while pouring himself a bowl of cereal earlier today, which he unfolded during a meeting of congressional leaders earlier today.

According to financial leaders, the map has routes around an undisclosed island off the coast of California that lead to a spot marked 'X,' where Geithner believes the hidden treasure is located.

"Being treasury secretary is a lot like being the captain of a ship," Geithner said in a recent press conference. "I'm just leading my men to the booty."

Top U.S. officials have already scoured beaches along the West coast of the U.S. with metal detectors in search of more of what has been deemed 'our last hope for boosting the economy,’ and are awaiting further instructions to pursue what is on the treasure map.

"This isn't anything crazy," Geithner explained during the meeting. "We of the Treasury Department should be looking for treasure anyway."

Geithner has been taking orders from President Obama on how to proceed.

The new plan would create jobs on the high seas for at least 500 out of work pirates, a step President Obama says will only help our chances of success.

"We have a long rode ahead, filled with boat trips and walks through the beaches.” Obama said to his fellow buccaneers in the White House. “Now I am asking every American to put on his or her pirate patch and join me. Arr."

Bomb-sniffing Dog Plays Deadly April Fools Joke on Police

Washington, D.C. - Police officers Rick Warren and Diego Sanchez lost their lives late last night as a result of a bomb-sniffing dog’s deadly April Fools joke.

The officers were investigating a bomb scare called into the D.C. station around 11:30 PM and instructed Hank—the department’s bomb-sniffing dog for nearly 10 years— to sniff the perimeter in the hopes of finding something. When Hank returned to the officers without giving a warning signal, they believed it was safe to enter the building.

“I was standing across the street, ready to call back up when my men entered the building,” Officer Nightingale said during a news conference. “There was a funny look on that dog’s face and I knew something was up, but it was too late.”

Bomb-sniffing dogs are "passive response" workers, trained to immediately sit and wait for a reward if the smell an explosive. Hank reportedly returned from investigating the building and was more interested in playing fetch with the officers than anything else.

“You know, it’s funny when the dog pretends to go pee-pee on the carpet on April Fools Day, but this is going too far,” Police Chief Rectum in a news conference.

Authorities are contacting local pet mind reading agencies to research the cause of the incident, as well as tap continue to trace the bomb-threat phone call.

“We think that the dog was in cahoots with the phone-caller to play this deadly prank,” Police Chief Rectum told reporters. “As for Hankie, we’re going to have to put him to sleep to teach him a lesson.”

Woman Predicts the Return of Flapper Dresses Seconds Before Death

Little Rock, AK – Just seconds before passing away late last night in General Hospital, renowned psychic Ivanaka Spiglioni (79) gave her final prediction to the world: the return of flapper dressers.

Spiglioni was surrounded by family and friends in the hospital room when she made the prediction despite her frail state.

“At first I thought she was telling her cousin Herbert to get off the cord to her life support, but it didn’t really sound like that,” Spiglioni’s brother Rick said. “My sister said she was making a prediction so we all leaned in real close to hear her good.”

Spiglioni led a humble life in Arkansas, telling fortunes from an outhouse that had been used by her family for many generations. She was known throughout the town for her ability to warn people of food poisoning at IHOP, rainstorms, and premenstrual women.

“We will have a funeral service for her by the barn,” her sister Charlotte said. “She will be missed by her family, although it will be easier to use the bathroom.”

$165 Million Banquet for AIG Recipient’s who Returned Bonus Money

Washington - Fifteen of 20 American International Group leading bonus recipients who agreed to give back their bonuses in full were recognized by President Obama Tuesday night with a banquet that cost nearly $165 million.

The banquet was held at the lavish Willard Hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, where a wait staff of 100 lavished humble AIG employees with the finest meat, cheese, and champagne in the world.

“These men are examples of the kind of giving that needs to take place more often in this country, and I laud their attempts and want to do my part to give back,” President Obama said, presenting the fifteen men with gold plaques estimating $10 thousand each.

Their courage and cooperation had the men partying well into the morning hours dancing in the ballroom and smoking some of the world’s finest cigars in the hotel lounge.

“This is far better than anything I could have dreamed of doing with the money,” AIG employee Warren Dykamore said.

Another recipient of the plaque stated, “It is too heavy to hang on the wall of the tent I now live in, but I will keep it close to my heart.”

Money Anonymous Group Forms In Hamptons

New York - In a time that looks down on those who have money in the bank, affluent citizens are buying their way into an anonymous program where they can flaunt their cash and discuss luxury problems in a non-judgmental environment.

Money Anonymous was formed at the prominent Maidstone Club of East Hampton by Pearson P., who claims the rich and famous are suffering just as much as the people in the poor house.

“I wanted to develop a place where people could unburden themselves from leading prestigious, wealthy lifestyles,” Pearson P. said. “True that we are better than most, but we should not be forced to suffer for that.”

Money Anonymous is a group with close to 300 members since their beginning in December 2008. Group members gather weekly to complain about hired help and valet parking, or dealing with the pressures of shopping at Gucci and Dior every weekend. The group is self-supporting so they pass an alligator-skin basket around during each meeting to pay for expenses like authentic Corsican tea, foie gras, French chocolates, Majesty’s Reserve cigars and whatever else group members’ desire.

"The hope is that people will feel comfortable with who they are," Pearson said.

When asked about the extravagance of the group while the majority of Americans are struggling and losing jobs, member Paris H. had this to say: "Poor people need to know that we have feelings too."

Secretary Amazed at the Lack of Attendance During Company's Mandatory Fire Drill

New York-Grace Hall, legal secretary at Lou, Schult, and Ham LLP. was amazed last Thursday afternoon when she arrived at the fifth floor emergency stairwell during a routine fire drill and noticed the absence of several colleagues.

"One of the admins is pregnant, and she didn't even show up," Hall said in a recent interview. "Now she doesn't know what to do in case of an emergency, so I think she should just be left to burn."

Hall went on to express her dismay at the manager’s lack of interest when she recounted the story to him. “I don’t even think he [manager] showed up for the fire drill either. I went and left a perfectly cup of coffee at my desk.”

In accordance with New York City Fire Department regulations, companies must conduct fire drills and Emergency Evacuation Procedures each quarter, informing employees of emergency stairwell locations and check-in points. Prior to each drill, all employees are given instructions via e-mail or letter from their employer, and are asked to comply when the bell sounds.

“We strongly suggest that all employees follow instructions during emergency drills, but we can not guarantee that everyone will show up,” Manager Grennegs Ham said. “This is a business, not a daycare center.”

Fashion Icons Unveil Summer Poor Look at Paris Show

Paris-Calvin Klein and Louis Vuitton stunk up the runway last Saturday night with their 2009 summer bum collection.

Models adorned in dirty, loose fitting trousers and hole-ridden flannel shirts strutted their stuff down the trash-laden catwalk. The new looks were formulated with the idea of the simple, economically friendly shopper in mind.

“We want to show the people that we can understand their hardships,” designer Jean-Paul Gaultier said adjusting the diamond ring on his finger, “And we will all look poor and fabulous together.”

Although the clothes reek of booze and urine, the pristine price tag stinks of riches.
The going price for jewelry made of shoestring and tin cans starts at $3000.

It’s all about accessorizing this summer and letting people see and smell your hardships,” Coco Chanel said, spraying her new perfume Rotten into the air.

Barack Obama to Rename Presidential Address, Fun House

Washington-In steps to make the White House feel more like a home for him and his family, Barack Obama plans to repaint the outside walls a dark magenta with forest green stripes and rename the building, the Fun House.

Obama and his special team of interior decorators will also be transforming the East Room into a disco lounge and adding a hookah bar inside the Cabinet Room.

“I want the fly honey suite in the West Wing, in case I just need a breather after an intense meeting with world leaders,” Obama said, offering a wink to the news camera.

Sources close to the family say these measures will help bring out the family’s fresh spirit and help to modernize American politics.

The redecorating will cost an estimated $1.5 million and is expected to be finished by early 2010.
When asked his thoughts on the matter, White House spokesperson Evan Griffith said: “We’re still not sure of the president’s level of authority in this particular matter, but we certainly want the Obama’s to be comfortable in their new home at whatever cost.”

Congress Passes Gas

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress on Friday was expected to pass gas aimed at renewing hope and humor to the otherwise 'gloom and doom' outlook in America.

Quick approval of the uncontrollable bodily function would relieve gastric indigestion and help regulate country officials. There is also speculation that the measure would give President Obama an even higher rating among classmates of his daughters Malia Ann and Natasha.

"If we can't laugh about flatulence, this country has far more problems than I expected before taking this job,” President Obama wrote in an e-mail to cabinet members.

The president has urged the Democratic-controlled Congress to fill up on beans, tofu and carbonated beverages before the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, so he can push this idea into law.

The House of Representatives was preparing to vote by midday and the Senate was expected to follow in the early evening, but there was still no final agreement between Senate Democratic and Republican leaders to do so.

When asked her opinion on the president’s new measure, Republican Congresswoman Kathy McMorris Rodgers said, "It is common knowledge that ladies do not fart."

Warmer Seas Broiling Ready-to-Eat Fish

Earth's oceans have become so warm as a result of global climate change that ready-to-eat fish are washing ashore.

Spontaneous fish fry's began early last month on Hollywood Beach in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when a group of surfer's noticed the scrumptuos pieces of fish washing ashore.

"At first I thought the alcohol was making me hallucinate," Don Frapse said with a cackle. "But it was a freakin' fish fry."

Frapse and his friends confirmed that the fish are either fried or broiled and sometimes come ashore with a seaweed salad.

"This is the best fish I have ever tasted," Hoolywood beach lifeguard Sandy Waifer said.Since then, Spontaneous fish fry's have taken place at beaches in Australia, California, and Brazil, serving up delicious seafood like cod, swordfish and even lobster tails.

"Mother nature's one crazy bitch," Evan Alms offered as an explanation for the dismembered and fried lobster tails.

Experts are researching Nature's laltest mystery, and the FDA is advising everyone to approach the ready-to-eat fish with caution.

When asked about the potential danger of these fried fish, Don Frapse had this to say: "Hell, I say approach 'em with some lemon wedges and cocktail sauce."

Government to Spend 5 Billion Teaching Homeless How Best to Use a Dollar

Washington-First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the Teaching Across Dumpsters Program (TAD) Monday to help educate the homeless on positive spending habits.

The 6-week course will take place outside of dumpsters across America, where panelists will lecture on the history and purpose of money, followed by interactive hypotheticals with the students.

"By showing students the difference between a flask of whiskey and a McDonald’s burger, we can show them that we really need them to help the economy too," Mrs. Obama said to a crowd on the steps of the Library of Congress.

Five billion dollars worth of taxpayers money will fund TAD professors and be used to give five tax free dollars to each homeless person who successfully completes the course.

Past administrations have tried to address the country's homeless problem by opening up soup kitchens and homeless shelters, but critics agree those steps have only watered down the real issue of homelessness in this country.

“For the first time in history, someone is actually doing something proactive about the homeless," Harvard Economist Dwight Dewinstein said. “TAD is a way to give the homeless a little pull.”