Obama Extends Unemployment Benefits to Robots

Washington - In a recent rally at a Washington area Walmart, President Barack Obama reassured America’s robotics community of not being shut off from unemployment benefits.

The American robotics population has seen massive cuts in all sectors due to manufacturer’s shutting down and employers unable to cover steep electricity bills.

"We will not leave the robot community behind,” Obama said to the self-checkout lines, and various electronic gadgets at the front of the store that have been contending with human beings for jobs since before the recession began. “And we will spread the wealth of jobs equally among humans and machines.”

Obama hopes to spur the growth of machines by investing part of the $210 billion to create jobs to robots that can power windmills, build cars, calculate budgets, cook food and fight wars.

When asked about its reassurance that the new president will take care of it, one robot said, "Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order"

Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day Overshadows Holocaust Remembrance

New York - Survivors of the Holocaust gathered at the Museum of Jewish Heritage in Lower Manhattan this morning to share their experiences in honor of Yom HaShoah, when one of the survivors got word of Ben and Jerry’s Free Cone Day and started a commotion that terminated the opening ceremony.

Elders reportedly scrambled for their walkers and canes, disregarding survivor Gilbert Friedman’s touching speech, and knocking over burning remembrance candles to flock to the nearest ice cream store for the free treat.

“At first we thought the man who yelled out about the ice cream was having a senile outburst,” museum curator Dorothy Weathers said. “We called security to restrain him for his own protection and the protection of others.”

The seniors rushed the security guards biting and kicking their way out of the museum and aimlessly wandered the street in search of the frozen treat.

“I have never seen them move so fast,” Nurse Walkman of Shady Acres retirement home said. “But the only thing Jews like more than free stuff is ice cream, so I was not too surprised by their excitement.”

When the Knesset, (Israel’s parliament) got word of the happenings in America, officials vowed to establish an ice cream eating ritual on Yom HaShoah to ease survivor’s weary minds.

Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin summed up the new edict in these words: “Ice cream may be the only thing these survivors have left.”

Global Seed Vault in Norway Adds Marijuana to the Mix

Longyearbyen - Norway’s seed vault, built to protect millions of food crops from being wiped out in wars or natural disasters, recently became home to 100,000 marijuana seeds.

The announcement came on the morning of April 20—the unofficial day of celebration for marijuana fans—to reassure stoners across the globe that a supply of wacky tobacky will see them through nuclear wars, genocides and fierce earthquakes and floods.

“We just got to chill out during the tough times,” Norway’s Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said during a press conference held at 4:20.

Considered the frozen ‘Garden of Eden,’ the global seed vault contains more than 1.5 million sample packages of crop seeds from carrots to wheat, and was not expected to carry a supply of cannabis until pot-smoking experts band together to show it’s necessity to the world.

“We have to get the munchies before we can eat fruits and vegetables, so we need the marijuana to give us the munchies, or our food supply won’t mean anything,” the former editor of High Times Steven Hager said with a mouthful of week-old half-baked brownies.

The signs of acceptance of these potent buds are everywhere, from statehouses—where more than half the world’s government officials have thrown down policy practice in favor of smoking a fat spliff—to schoolyards where children of all ages find confidence and recreation in the herbal medicine.

Government Officials Bicker Over Acronyms for Newest Programs

Washington - White House talks over the future of America lasted well into the evening yesterday, while country officials bickered over appropriate acronyms for new government-funded programs.

Staff members tossed around ideas for programs to make college more affordable for the middle class, with names like Cash Handed for Education and Progress (CHEAP), and Degenerate Unless Money Beg (DUMB), as well as names for health care reform including Dosage Instantaneous Ecstasy (DIE) and Offering Up Cheap Help (OUCH).

“This is one of the toughest parts about the job,” President Obama said in an e-mail sent from his Blackberry.

Around two this morning, officials reportedly raided the Obama’s game closet in the hopes of finding inspirational acronyms in Boggle and Scrabble, and called it a night around four.

"In the end we decided it would be best to employ linguists to head up our newest program: Creating Relevant Acronyms for Politicians (CRAP).” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced.

Geithner Says Treasure Map Will Lead U.S. Out of Recession

Washington - U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner laid out a treasure map found in a Captain Crunch cereal box Tuesday, which he claims will lead the U.S. to lost pirate treasure and out of the current recession.

Geithner says he came across the map while pouring himself a bowl of cereal earlier today, which he unfolded during a meeting of congressional leaders earlier today.

According to financial leaders, the map has routes around an undisclosed island off the coast of California that lead to a spot marked 'X,' where Geithner believes the hidden treasure is located.

"Being treasury secretary is a lot like being the captain of a ship," Geithner said in a recent press conference. "I'm just leading my men to the booty."

Top U.S. officials have already scoured beaches along the West coast of the U.S. with metal detectors in search of more of what has been deemed 'our last hope for boosting the economy,’ and are awaiting further instructions to pursue what is on the treasure map.

"This isn't anything crazy," Geithner explained during the meeting. "We of the Treasury Department should be looking for treasure anyway."

Geithner has been taking orders from President Obama on how to proceed.

The new plan would create jobs on the high seas for at least 500 out of work pirates, a step President Obama says will only help our chances of success.

"We have a long rode ahead, filled with boat trips and walks through the beaches.” Obama said to his fellow buccaneers in the White House. “Now I am asking every American to put on his or her pirate patch and join me. Arr."

Bomb-sniffing Dog Plays Deadly April Fools Joke on Police

Washington, D.C. - Police officers Rick Warren and Diego Sanchez lost their lives late last night as a result of a bomb-sniffing dog’s deadly April Fools joke.

The officers were investigating a bomb scare called into the D.C. station around 11:30 PM and instructed Hank—the department’s bomb-sniffing dog for nearly 10 years— to sniff the perimeter in the hopes of finding something. When Hank returned to the officers without giving a warning signal, they believed it was safe to enter the building.

“I was standing across the street, ready to call back up when my men entered the building,” Officer Nightingale said during a news conference. “There was a funny look on that dog’s face and I knew something was up, but it was too late.”

Bomb-sniffing dogs are "passive response" workers, trained to immediately sit and wait for a reward if the smell an explosive. Hank reportedly returned from investigating the building and was more interested in playing fetch with the officers than anything else.

“You know, it’s funny when the dog pretends to go pee-pee on the carpet on April Fools Day, but this is going too far,” Police Chief Rectum in a news conference.

Authorities are contacting local pet mind reading agencies to research the cause of the incident, as well as tap continue to trace the bomb-threat phone call.

“We think that the dog was in cahoots with the phone-caller to play this deadly prank,” Police Chief Rectum told reporters. “As for Hankie, we’re going to have to put him to sleep to teach him a lesson.”