Putin Finds Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Moscow Sewers

Moscow-While searching for those responsible for twin suicide bombings that killed 39 in Moscow Monday, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin found five Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who apparently had been living in the Russian sewer system for the past decade.

Nunchaku, katanas, a bō staff, and sais were immediately confiscated from the five Ninja Turtles and they were taken to Kremlin headquarters for questioning.

“One guy talk about where’s April and the other always asking for food, always wanting pizza,” Kremlin officer Nicholas Taskovich said with a frown. “I tell him Russia turn his face into pizza pie.”

After hours of looking through a series of comic books and websites the socially awkward, vitamin D deficient turtles’ identities were revealed, which led to further questions by the Kremlin.

“If you are superhero living in Russia sewer system, why you not help Russians?” one official asked.

A few hours later sage Master Splinter arrived and bribed the guards to set the turtles free.

The Ninja Turtles left their home in the sewers of New York in 1996 to pursue their arch-nemesis Shredder on foreign soil. When they returned to America a few years later they were dismayed to learn that they had been outshined by the Power Rangers and decided to start a new life in Russia.

The Ninja Turtles left Kremlin headquarters after agreeing to assist the Kremlin with fighting crime in the streets of Russia and the government is currently considering a new TV series Черепашки-ниндзя

McCain-Palin Reunite to Form Folk Band

Washington-Two thousand and eight presidential and vice presidential candidate John McCain and Sarah Palin announced earlier today that they will be forming a Folk band titled, Stocking Gun and the Gang.


The two solidified the idea after a drunken bout of impromptu singing at Bob’s Pub off Interstate A1 in Alaska late Sunday night after it was clear that their republican message was not being heard.


“They didn’t seem as friendly as the regulars we get here. Kind of angry at one another,” Bar owner Bob Cobb said. “And the old guy kept rattlin’ on about a voice and pointed to the microphone so the woman staggered over and started singing.”


Palin’s a cappella version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was met with little enthusiasm from the three patrons of the bar until she started unbuttoning her suit jacket.


“My friends, if my friend [Palin] can make five dollars for a few minutes worth of work, well, that tells me the American dream is still alive and well. And together we will preach that dream to the American people.”


The duo are scheduled to being voice lessons and have already begun writing songs for their first album, with titles including, Will My Neck Ever Grow Back, Abortion-bortion Gives Doctors a Fortune and My Love, My Gun.


“I think the people of America will be more receptive to our political message through harmony and with a tambourine doggone it” Palin said from inside the Chanel store on Rodeo Drive where she was trying out ‘hippie skirts’.

Burger King Employee Frazzled by Three Customers

Montreal-Burger King employee Sheila Jones was overwhelmed this morning when the line of customers at the heavily-trafficked Burger King in Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport swelled to three customers.

The incident took place around 7:30 p.m. just after Jones began her night shift, which usually involved limited interaction with people and minimal effort on her part.

“I usually work the evening hour and it is not too busy. But this, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Jones said from underneath a blanket administered by airport security.

The first two customers wait time exceeded eight minutes as they watched the young employee attempt to blend a milk shake, package a small order fries and take the final customer’s order.

“She dropped my Whopper on the ground so I had to wait another five minutes while they prepared a second one.” New Yorker Gerald Richie said. “I think she [Jones] might be better working in a low-volume environment.”

Jones is recovering at Wakefield Mill Inn Spa in Quebec for the week.