White House Puts Nation’s Chuck E. Cheese’s on High Alert for Terrorist Threat

Washington – The White House placed Chuck E. Cheese's, a national chain of family entertainment centers, on high alert for terrorist threats today after an undercover detective witnessed suspicious activity near the Wac-a-Mole machine.

Special Agent Fox Mulder was collecting his tickets after a riveting game of Skee ball earlier today when he witnessed a middle-aged, dark-skinned man with lime green sunglasses in covert discussions with a crowd of teenagers.

"When I see a man like that, I immediately sense suspicious activity," Mulder said in his basement office. "And I have this badge so I can quickly determine a terrorist threat."

The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have been monitoring certain family entertainment centers after studies showed they were a possible breeding ground for terrorists and terrorist activities.

A report released by the White House this afternoon confirmed that terrorists are drawn to the colorful plastic ball pit at several family entertainment centers, and suggested that a bomb could easily be hidden in Big Bertha, a mechanical woman whose belly grows as the gamer tosses plastic balls into her mouth.

“It could have been just some ageing hippie buying reefer,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, "but we must view any and all suspicious activities as a threat to ensure the security of this nation. And we must take immediate and severe action before we stop to ask questions."

Special Agent Mulder remained at the Chuck E. Cheese's through lunch to watch the animatronic show "Pizza Time Players," and then traced the suspicious man to a trailer park in Davie, Florida.

"At least I can sleep well tonight knowing that Chuck E. Cheese's is safe for now, and wake up tomorrow morning courtesy of my Chuck E. Cheese's alarm clock (10,000 tickets) and continue to monitor these family entertainment centers to ensure that they will be safe for the next generation of Americans."

WMD’s Accidentally Shipped to Orphanage on Christmas Day

Oklahoma-Children at Shady Acres Orphanage in Afton received a surprise Christmas morning when enormous boxes of Weapons of Mass Destruction were accidentally shipped to their humble home.

The children ripped open the boxes and began playing with the toys like any other. It wasn't until an atomic bomb inside a suitcase was accidentally triggered that directors of the orphanage began to question the generous gift.

“The kids were just so happy that they weren’t forgotten on Christmas,” Shady Acres director Maggie Mason said. “One kid peeled the toxic symbol off of one of the vials and used it as a mask.”

Although no children were harmed, the bomb that was set created a 5-mile crater in the back of the home and Special Forces arrived to evacuate the town. White House investigators announced that an intern working in the Homeland Security office who misspelled Afghanistan on the mailing label created the mistake.

“Those mailing labels are so small and I was just trying to abbreviate to fit it all in," intern Blake Reynolds said.