Area Man Has Nervous Breakdown Trying to Think of Others During Holidays

New York City-Area man Roy Henderson was overwhelmed by the concept of thinking about another person during the holiday season while shopping in Macy’s Herald Square yesterday afternoon.

While conversing with a store clerk to learn about the concept of giving a gift to another person, the forty-three-year-old clutched at his chest and complained of not being able to breath. According to the police report, Henderson fainted when a store clerk presented him with two gift options that he could not benefit from.

“He seemed pretty frazzled from the start, asking me questions about why people exchange gifts to one another instead of just buying things they want,” customer service rep. Tina Chuwana said. “I just asked a few follow up questions about the person he was shopping for and the guy completely lost it, and was screaming about how the person should get their own gift.”

Other store clerks agreed with Chuwana that the customer was hostile and seemed like he did not know what he was doing in the store.

Friends and family members came forward when they heard of Henderson’s hospitalization and assured police that the concept of giving was foreign to the man.

“I never should have pushed him to buy me a gift,” Henderson’s wife Clara said through tears. “Sure he’s a selfish jerk, but we never wanted anything like this to happen.”

Henderson, who is recuperating in General Hospital, commented from his hospital bed. “You’re damn right this is her fault. I just hope that woman has $50,000 for my hospital bill.”

Area Woman Ruins Thanksgiving With Canadian Guest

New York – Area woman Annie Ferguson ruined Thanksgiving dinner when she showed up at a friend’s house with a Canadian date.

Thanksgiving dinner hosts Marie and Sam Tompkins claimed their friend’s date, a Canadian, was an unsavory dinner guest. The foreigner reportedly displayed sloppy eating habits, ruined various pieces of wood furniture throughout the house, and was an unwilling participant in after dinner board games.

“This was someone’s idea of a sick joke,” Mr. Tompkins said sopping up spilled cranberry juice. “To think that we were kind enough to let that into our country, into our home.”

The couple spent the remainder of the holiday evening cleaning up the intruder’s mess and quietly sobbing in one another's arms.

“I just don’t think I’ll be able to handle another Thanksgiving,” Mrs. Tompkins said.

Police reports filed the following day showed estimated damages to the house to be in the thousands, but the Tompkins are pessimistic that they will see any of the money.

In the meantime state officials say they will consider tightening security along the Canadian border so that Thanksgiving will remain a peaceful tradition.

“You don’t see the pilgrims and Indians disrespecting one another like that,” officer Harry Petrakis said shaking his head. “It’s just typical Canadian arrogance.”

President Obama Joins Car Wash to Rally Last-minute Support

Washington – This morning Barack Obama teamed with residents of Moody Acres mental institute for a charity car wash as a final attempt at gaining Democratic support in Tuesday’s election.

President Obama, clad in a polo shirt, blue shorts and tattered penny loafers, got down and dirty with patients suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and retardation, to clean the cavalcade of Japanese and German made cars that rolled into the Exxon station on Capitol Hill.

“Yes you can keep your car clean,” Obama said to the driver of a Honda civic, spraying Windex on the front windshield. “But it’s going to take a lot of hard work on your part and it ain’t going to happen overnight.”

Obama’s rhetoric left many customers of the five cents car wash confused and uneasy.

“I don’t understand why he said I had to work for it,” car wash customer Meryl Hamper said. “I mean, I paid five cents so they would clean it for me, right?”

Members of Moody Acres mental institute appreciated the president’s help, and were each happy to earn three cents after Obama deducted supply expenses, 55% in federal and state taxes, and his share of the profits.

“At least we got something because I was afraid that the black man would just take it all,” paranoid schizophrenic Clyde Williams said.

Yuppies Burn Birkenstocks Outside of J. Crew

New York – A group of yuppies gathered outside of J. Crew on Fifth Avenue Friday and burned Birkenstocks in an act of defiance against hippies and their tree-hugging agenda.

The conservative group says hippies have influenced popular culture for far too long with the influx of vegan grocery stores and head shops throughout the city. Yuppies say it is time for corporate executives and companies like Starbucks and Apple to reclaim the city.

“These people spread lies about pacifism and smell real bad,” Yuppie Donald Renke said on his way to a meeting at the Cornell Club.

Hippies responded to the act by singing songs of love and peace in a drum circle on the north lawn of Central Park. Their tree-hugging methods disrupted sunbathers and families gathering in the public space.

One mother, Samantha Redding, claimed that the hippies in Central Park ruined her child’s fifth birthday party.

“These hippies have gone too far,” Redding said. “My kid is at home crying because those degenerates were mocking us for eating cake that was made from eggs and milk.”

“Dude, people just need to chill out and be happy,” hippie Luke said blowing a cloud of marijuana smoke into the air.

Family Cat Rates Netflix Movies

New York – The Joneses were astonished last night when they returned home to find their computer logged into the rental-by-mail website Netlfix, and their cat Whiskers rating films in their queue.

The Joneses had known that something was ‘fishy’ with their DVD rental system for the past week or so, because they kept receiving films like Finding Nemo and Puss in Boots. They never expected the culprit to be their lovable pet.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mrs. Jones said in between sobs. “We raised Whiskers to be an honest cat and then this.”

The couple has worked with their film rental company to be reimbursed for the errors in shipment and will be changing the security settings on their remote controls so something like this does not happen again.

“Another incident like this and we might have to just put him down,” Mr. Jones said.

Area Douche Bag Jacked up on Chicken

New York - Police responded to a disturbance in Times Square earlier today and arrested Ray Finklestein who was wreaking havoc on the city streets.

The proclaimed 'douche bag' was ripping parking meters out of the ground and throwing garbage cans across city streets to show off his big muscles after wolfing down nine pounds of chicken on his lunch break.

"The guy is such a douche bag and always monopolizes the microwave in the break room," colleauge Quincy Jones said. "He's so obsessed with himself and his big muscles."

Finklestein was placed in a holding cell at the county jail for three hours while his hormone levels calmed down. Police then escorted him out of the building with a $5,000 fine and a recipe book of safer to eat, high-protein meals.

"The fine for disorderly conduct and damage to property is usually $1,000," officer Sparks said,. "But this guy was such a douche bag we made him pay a little more."

Dinosaurs Turn Down $30 Million to Make Jurassic Park 4

Hollywood – Dinosaur actors from the box office hits Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 reportedly turned down director Steven Spielberg’s offer of $30 million to be in a fourth installment of the box office hit.

The reptiles’ agents declined the offer within hours of it being on the table, citing problems that arose during past film shoots including dinosaurs tripping over cameras and lighting equipment and a Stegosaurus that became violently ill after ingesting Nabisco Graham Crackers in the food tent.

“It was a dangerous situation, those last two films,” Stegosaurus Sally’s agent Bob Balaban said. “A lot of those dinosaurs got hurt.”

Animal Rights groups came out in force upon hearing the news of Spielberg’s offer demanding fair working conditions for all animals, including seemingly extinct one.

"These guys ruled the planet for what like over 100 million years," Director Spielberg said. "Did Nellie mention the golden grahams incident?"

Area Man Morphs Into Balloon to Enter Father’s Day Parade

Tampa – Harry and Pete Johnson were amazed at the Hillsborough County Father’s Day Parade this morning when their father Wick Johnson morphed into a giant helium balloon.

The 20-foot balloon-man made his way into the parade that snaked through various neighborhoods in the area, waving to the crowds and shouting great tidings.

“Every year he talks about how he wants to be one of those balloons,” 10-year-old son Harry said. “But we just thought he was talking nonsense.”

Police circled Johnson as he neared the end of the parade, and after he deflated himself, brought him to the police station for questioning.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” Officer Holden said. “But we all know of the destruction Stay Puff Marshmallow Man was capable of in Ghostbusters, so we couldn’t take our chances.”

This is the first known incident of a man spontaneously inflating himself with helium and scientists and doctors are questioning this phenomenon and looking into any severe health implications of such an act.

From his observation room in Tampa General Hospital, Mr. Johnson had only this to say: “Whatever happens, it sure was worth it.”

Sarah Palin’s Breasts Push Political Agenda

Washington – The breasts of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a public appearance last night at the Elkin Strip Club in Wasilla, Alaska to deny charges that they were recently augmented and to discuss politics with the drunken crowd.

The buoyant twins took to the stage just after 2 a.m. and showed off their natural beauty to the beat of The Eurythmics while dissuading the crowd from same-sex marriage.

“The more that chic shakes her melons, the more I believe in her political message,” Elkin regular Wally Marsh said.

Since Palin has added dancing to her repertoire of talents, her popularity among middle-aged and old white males has skyrocketed and there are hints that she may pursue the presidency in 2012, using her breasts to get to the top.

“I had to pay a fee to get up on that there stage,” Palin said, “and doggonit I am glad to have done it because now people will really listen to my message. I am a proud American.” Palin lifted her shirt to expose red, white and blue painted breasts.

Lab Rat Rings up Phone Bill During Experiment

Ohio - Researchers at Ohio State University testing a possible connection between cellular phones and brain tumors were outraged this morning when they returned to the lab to find that lab rat #3 had rung up a phone bill of nearly $9000 during the night.

"He called Florida, South Dakota, a number of 900 numbers, and he was on the phone with India for three hours," lead researcher Clark Henderson said.

Scientists traced each of these phone calls to find out the extent of the conversations and to look for a possible meaning behind them.

"He was breathing real heavily and when I asked him a question he would just squeak," operator 'Hot Lips' said during an interview. "I thought he was getting off so I kept on talking."

Although the link between low-level radio frequency (RF) radiation and brain tumors remains inconclusive, scientists hope to learn more about this lab rat's penchant for phones and there has been talk about making lab rat #3 pay the $9000 bill.

Ice Cream Man to Avenge First Lady for Healthy Agenda

Sunrise- Florida ice cream truck driver Samuel Plaftom vowed to avenge First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday if she continues Let’s Move!, her ambitious campaign to tackle the challenge of childhood obesity.

The news came after the 248-pound man watched a press conference where Michelle Obama stated her desire to eliminate dessert. Plaftom immediately dropped his ice cream cone and sounded his ice cream truck alarm to organize his 2-ton support group.

“This woman is destroying my business and she is corrupting the cholesterol-clogged, fatty-deposited hearts of all Americans,” Plaftom said catching his breath. “I will chase her down and fight her for doing this to us.” The feeble man took two steps forward then needed to sit down and rest to catch his breath.

Area support groups including Fostering America’s Tonnage (FAT) and Overweight Beauties Eating So Excessively (OBESE) have also waddled out of hiding in support of Plaftom and high-caloric, sugary goods that line grocery store shelves.

“I believe you can accomplish anything with a shotgun and some pulled pork,” FAT republican Patricia Clark said. “Leave it to the preppies to try and make us work for some silly ideal that won’t even give us instant gratification.”

Mail Bombers Protest Elimination of Saturday Mail Delivery

Washington-Mail bombers and terrorists from across the nation came out in force this morning at USPS headquarters in Washington, D.C. to protest the Postal Regulatory Commission’s proposal to eliminate Saturday delivery.

They held up irrational signs saying ‘we work 7 days a week and so should you,‘ and ‘government takes fun out of killing,‘ and spoke of their need for Saturday delivery to maintain production, delivery and defusing schedules of bombs and air-born contaminants.

“We rely on the Postal Service to deliver our bombs and anthrax to enemies and strangers,” self-proclaimed Texas terrorist Kurt Dower said. “But if they keep taking away our rights, every terrorist in this country will be out of work.”

The news is also harrowing for Terrorists In Training, a non-profit organization that trains young misfits who have looked to the likes of such terrorists as Timothy McVeigh, Franz Fuchs, and Ted Kaczynski for ideas and guidance in their own terrorist activities.

“I’ve spent the past six months learning how to properly wrap a bomb in a package and now I’ll have to learn a new set of terrorist skills if I want to be more than a TIT,” 14-year-old Frank Macky said.

Since the proposal went public there has been a surge of Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training programs that teach potential terrorists how to attack via webinars and online courses.

Professor Hall Oates from the Cyberterrorist Use of Nuisance Training program in Denver commented on the changes in mail delivery and Internet use via e-mail. “In the 21st century, it is better to be a CUNT than a TIT.”

Gulf oil leak Spawns The Blob

New Orleans -The oil-drilling rig that blew up and sank last week off the coast of Louisiana continues to leak barrels of oil daily into the Gulf of Mexico, unleashing longtime supervillian The Blob into international waters.

The amoeba-like alien has been terrorizing marine life in the Gulf of Mexico for the past two days, consuming everything in its path as it gets bigger and makes its way to American soil

“This mutant will consume everything in its path you see, if we, the American people, don’t put a stop to it,” President Obama stated in a less than encouraging podcast from the White House.

It remains unclear whether the juggernaut is a creature from outer space, a mutant or something else entirely, but the U.S. National Guard is doing everything in their power to defuse the potential threat.

“We don’t know much and I don’t know if there’s a Wolverine or anyone out there, but X-Men, America needs your help,” National Guard recruiter Pat Smith said.

Putin Finds Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Moscow Sewers

Moscow-While searching for those responsible for twin suicide bombings that killed 39 in Moscow Monday, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin found five Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who apparently had been living in the Russian sewer system for the past decade.

Nunchaku, katanas, a bō staff, and sais were immediately confiscated from the five Ninja Turtles and they were taken to Kremlin headquarters for questioning.

“One guy talk about where’s April and the other always asking for food, always wanting pizza,” Kremlin officer Nicholas Taskovich said with a frown. “I tell him Russia turn his face into pizza pie.”

After hours of looking through a series of comic books and websites the socially awkward, vitamin D deficient turtles’ identities were revealed, which led to further questions by the Kremlin.

“If you are superhero living in Russia sewer system, why you not help Russians?” one official asked.

A few hours later sage Master Splinter arrived and bribed the guards to set the turtles free.

The Ninja Turtles left their home in the sewers of New York in 1996 to pursue their arch-nemesis Shredder on foreign soil. When they returned to America a few years later they were dismayed to learn that they had been outshined by the Power Rangers and decided to start a new life in Russia.

The Ninja Turtles left Kremlin headquarters after agreeing to assist the Kremlin with fighting crime in the streets of Russia and the government is currently considering a new TV series Черепашки-ниндзя

McCain-Palin Reunite to Form Folk Band

Washington-Two thousand and eight presidential and vice presidential candidate John McCain and Sarah Palin announced earlier today that they will be forming a Folk band titled, Stocking Gun and the Gang.


The two solidified the idea after a drunken bout of impromptu singing at Bob’s Pub off Interstate A1 in Alaska late Sunday night after it was clear that their republican message was not being heard.


“They didn’t seem as friendly as the regulars we get here. Kind of angry at one another,” Bar owner Bob Cobb said. “And the old guy kept rattlin’ on about a voice and pointed to the microphone so the woman staggered over and started singing.”


Palin’s a cappella version of Madonna’s Like a Virgin was met with little enthusiasm from the three patrons of the bar until she started unbuttoning her suit jacket.


“My friends, if my friend [Palin] can make five dollars for a few minutes worth of work, well, that tells me the American dream is still alive and well. And together we will preach that dream to the American people.”


The duo are scheduled to being voice lessons and have already begun writing songs for their first album, with titles including, Will My Neck Ever Grow Back, Abortion-bortion Gives Doctors a Fortune and My Love, My Gun.


“I think the people of America will be more receptive to our political message through harmony and with a tambourine doggone it” Palin said from inside the Chanel store on Rodeo Drive where she was trying out ‘hippie skirts’.

Burger King Employee Frazzled by Three Customers

Montreal-Burger King employee Sheila Jones was overwhelmed this morning when the line of customers at the heavily-trafficked Burger King in Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport swelled to three customers.

The incident took place around 7:30 p.m. just after Jones began her night shift, which usually involved limited interaction with people and minimal effort on her part.

“I usually work the evening hour and it is not too busy. But this, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Jones said from underneath a blanket administered by airport security.

The first two customers wait time exceeded eight minutes as they watched the young employee attempt to blend a milk shake, package a small order fries and take the final customer’s order.

“She dropped my Whopper on the ground so I had to wait another five minutes while they prepared a second one.” New Yorker Gerald Richie said. “I think she [Jones] might be better working in a low-volume environment.”

Jones is recovering at Wakefield Mill Inn Spa in Quebec for the week.

Killer Whale Enters Rehab

Orlando-After killing yet another trainer at Sea World, killer whale Tilikum will enter a rehabilitation center to eliminate his hunger for humans while receiving treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Psychiatrists have monitored the mammal since the incident on Tuesday in which he dragged a trainer into the water and held her underwater long enough to drown her, and deduced that he is resentful at his small living space. Animal Psychiatrist Dr. Von Faust believes that a 12-step program will help him to deal with his anger issues and accept his position in life.

“They are usually not happy when they come in and lash out and it is very abusive at first,” Von Fraust said waving his right leg stump. “But I persist and try to teach them how to believe in a higher power and meditation techniques. And they either learn to accept their lot in life or we have to put them to sleep.”

The recent incident also has doctors questioning Tilikum’s ability to handle fortune and fame. T-shirts, mugs and baseball caps with his name and image can be found in gift shops throughout the amusement park and he has helped Sea World sell millions of dollars worth of ticket.

“It might also help their self-esteem if we gave them a name that’s a bit more peaceful than ‘killer whale.’ Sea World employee and member of the Center for the Obvious Seth Roebuck said.

Roomba Sneaks into Curling Match at Olympics

Vancouver – An iRobot Roomba appeared in the midst of an Olympics curling competition between Sweden and Japan yesterday, after being discombobulated by all of the brooms on the ice.

The autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner was navigating the stadium bleachers around 3PM when due to a wiring problem accidentally flew onto the ice, knocking two stones away from the target.

“It was cute, really,” Judge Edie Franklin said. “The little guy just wanted a piece of the action.”

The Roomba, whose shape and size are indistinguishable to that of the stones used in curling, remained undetected on the ice for another 10 minutes, until a Japanese referee noticed subtle movement.

“I’ve been judging these games for 35 years so I can smell a rat like that,” Dick Sweeney said touching the tip of his nose.

Curling is a team Olympic sport in which stones are slid across sheets of ice towards a target area accompanied by sweepers with brooms to heat the ice giving the stones greater potential to slide. It has been an official sport of the Winter Olympic Games since 1998.

The International Olympic Committee is currently hashing out the details for a new summer sport involving Roombas to counter the game of curling. Officials close to the committee have hinted that the game would involve a dirty maze the machines must clean their way through, and will exert even less energy than curling.

“The only duty available for humans would be turning the machine on, which I say would burn 5 calories,” Olympics historian Seth Feingold said. “But the strategy is in the program the Roomba would be set to, which will burn somewhere between 7 and 15 calories.”

When asked if it would be interested in participating in such a sport, the Roomba emitted a contact-sensing noise and flashed its infrared sensor.

Possessed Dog Runs Amok in Central Park after Hearing Bobby Brown’s Music

New York-Bingo, a stray dog that has been wandering the boroughs of New York for six years, became possessed earlier today after hearing Bobby Brown’s 1988 hit single, My Prerogative.

The dog entered Rasta Records on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and 126th street in Harlem around 11 this morning. He wandered the store for a few minutes eating scraps of food then lay down next to a group of teenagers congregated in the back room.

“We were just listening to some old tunes, you know, and hanging out, and, you know, getting high and stuff. And I put on an old Bobby Brown record and you know, the dog just lost it and his eyes turned all freaky,” teen Adam Wessler said.

Police arrived on the scene by 11:30 to restrain the rabid dog, which had been breaking records and biting store employees. After several failed attempts at using a taser gun on the animal, police turned to religious figures for help.

“There was a lot of drug paraphernalia in the store so the dog could have digested some PCP and cannabis to make him go crazy,” Wild Animal Expert and Police Officer Patrick Butter said. “But the chances of demonic possession caused by a Bobby Brown hit song are far more likely, so we needed to put our faith in the church.”

Father Tony of Holy Sacred Merriment Church arrived with rosaries and holy water to perform an exorcism a few hours later, and was last seen chasing the demonic dog into Central Park.

Bobby Brown could not be reached for comment on the matter, but a spokesperson has made it very clear that “he is not a demon.”

White House Puts Nation’s Chuck E. Cheese’s on High Alert for Terrorist Threat

Washington – The White House placed Chuck E. Cheese's, a national chain of family entertainment centers, on high alert for terrorist threats today after an undercover detective witnessed suspicious activity near the Wac-a-Mole machine.

Special Agent Fox Mulder was collecting his tickets after a riveting game of Skee ball earlier today when he witnessed a middle-aged, dark-skinned man with lime green sunglasses in covert discussions with a crowd of teenagers.

"When I see a man like that, I immediately sense suspicious activity," Mulder said in his basement office. "And I have this badge so I can quickly determine a terrorist threat."

The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have been monitoring certain family entertainment centers after studies showed they were a possible breeding ground for terrorists and terrorist activities.

A report released by the White House this afternoon confirmed that terrorists are drawn to the colorful plastic ball pit at several family entertainment centers, and suggested that a bomb could easily be hidden in Big Bertha, a mechanical woman whose belly grows as the gamer tosses plastic balls into her mouth.

“It could have been just some ageing hippie buying reefer,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, "but we must view any and all suspicious activities as a threat to ensure the security of this nation. And we must take immediate and severe action before we stop to ask questions."

Special Agent Mulder remained at the Chuck E. Cheese's through lunch to watch the animatronic show "Pizza Time Players," and then traced the suspicious man to a trailer park in Davie, Florida.

"At least I can sleep well tonight knowing that Chuck E. Cheese's is safe for now, and wake up tomorrow morning courtesy of my Chuck E. Cheese's alarm clock (10,000 tickets) and continue to monitor these family entertainment centers to ensure that they will be safe for the next generation of Americans."

WMD’s Accidentally Shipped to Orphanage on Christmas Day

Oklahoma-Children at Shady Acres Orphanage in Afton received a surprise Christmas morning when enormous boxes of Weapons of Mass Destruction were accidentally shipped to their humble home.

The children ripped open the boxes and began playing with the toys like any other. It wasn't until an atomic bomb inside a suitcase was accidentally triggered that directors of the orphanage began to question the generous gift.

“The kids were just so happy that they weren’t forgotten on Christmas,” Shady Acres director Maggie Mason said. “One kid peeled the toxic symbol off of one of the vials and used it as a mask.”

Although no children were harmed, the bomb that was set created a 5-mile crater in the back of the home and Special Forces arrived to evacuate the town. White House investigators announced that an intern working in the Homeland Security office who misspelled Afghanistan on the mailing label created the mistake.

“Those mailing labels are so small and I was just trying to abbreviate to fit it all in," intern Blake Reynolds said.