Cows Upset About Pork in Healthcare Reform Bill

Nebraska- Cows came out in force Sunday, protesting all of the pork Senate has stuffed into a U.S. healthcare reform bill—in particular for Nebraska Democrat Ben Nelson—to facilitate its passage.

The animals say they feel cheated by swine after decades of providing a variety of meats and rinds to the American people and are disgraced by the ability for “some little piggies to get their way after going ‘wee, wee, wee’”.

“I’ll rip out my side and give it to a family of four as long as the American government stops stuffing swine into everything in this country,” spokescow Sammy Moo said. “America is all about all-beef and I for one would like to keep it that way.”

The cow community put up quite a moo as they marched to City Hall to demand justice where spent the ensuing hours presenting the crowd of politicians and news stations with figures and charts validating the superior health benefits and nutrients in their red meat.

Additional spending and provisions in the bill, considered wasteful by most critics, includes money for walking paths, jungle gyms and farmers’ markets around the nation, along with a cool $45m for Nelson's state of Nebraska over 10 years.

“We cost $3.99 lb at the local grocery store,” cow leader Al Beef said. “These pigs live in squalor and fill up humans with cholesterol and empty calories which will drive healthcare costs up even more.”

The protest remained mostly peaceful with only three tippings from local miscreants and off-duty officers, and the cows retreated to their pastures by 8 that evening.

Large Hadron Collider Generates Pac-Men

Geneva – Scientists were amazed late Tuesday night when the recently turned on particle accelerator smashed together opposing particle beams of protons and lead nuclei and produced several miniature Pac-Men.

The machine began spewing out the arcade game characters only minutes after it began its prolific objective of recreating the formation of our universe. The three-dimensional particles spilled out of the machine and began eating every circular object in sight, fleeing into dark corners when any ghost-like being came near them.

“We didn’t know what to expect, and certainly expected nothing this great,” Physicist and life-long gamer Lars Olfinson said. “The existence of Pac Men is far more important than the existence of anything else human might ponder, even the existence of God.”

After hours of chasing the new species around the laboratory, scientists set up a trap to contain all ten of them in a cage, although one evaporated upon coming into contact with one of the scientist’s ghost-ring. Scientists will begin performing experiments to explore the chemical makeup and biology of these animals and discern if they are in fact what created our universe and life on Earth.

“We find that they really like to move around in the rat mazes,” scientist Greta Schussesser said.
Workers at CERN, the European Center for Nuclear Research are scheduled to turn Large Hadron Collider on again in March 2010 when they will begin their search for Super Mario Bros.

Obama Unveils Afghan Plan with G.I. Joe and Power Rangers Action Figures

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama last night enumerated on his war strategy in Afghanistan with the aid of GiJoe and Power Rangers action figures.

The mock set-up was unveiled to cadets at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, where Obama represented himself as Captain America and Taliban leaders as Mr. Potato Heads.

“We had to use a Barbie mansion for one of the diorama’s so I ask that American’s use their imagination to see that this is in fact a Taliban training ground.”

There were also pictures of pink army tanks with flowers and nuclear weapons full of flowers drawn by the president’s two daughters Malia and Sasha.

“He knows how to talk to the people in a way that we can understand, using images and drawings to clarify his position on this enduring war that has cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

Obama also stressed the importance of the war in Afghanistan being an ‘international effort’ to which American allies Canada and Germany responded by offering Captain Canada and HaPe – Tasia “Meerjungfrauen-Spielwelt” toys.