Barack Obama to Rename Presidential Address, Fun House

Washington-In steps to make the White House feel more like a home for him and his family, Barack Obama plans to repaint the outside walls a dark magenta with forest green stripes and rename the building, the Fun House.

Obama and his special team of interior decorators will also be transforming the East Room into a disco lounge and adding a hookah bar inside the Cabinet Room.

“I want the fly honey suite in the West Wing, in case I just need a breather after an intense meeting with world leaders,” Obama said, offering a wink to the news camera.

Sources close to the family say these measures will help bring out the family’s fresh spirit and help to modernize American politics.

The redecorating will cost an estimated $1.5 million and is expected to be finished by early 2010.
When asked his thoughts on the matter, White House spokesperson Evan Griffith said: “We’re still not sure of the president’s level of authority in this particular matter, but we certainly want the Obama’s to be comfortable in their new home at whatever cost.”

Congress Passes Gas

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress on Friday was expected to pass gas aimed at renewing hope and humor to the otherwise 'gloom and doom' outlook in America.

Quick approval of the uncontrollable bodily function would relieve gastric indigestion and help regulate country officials. There is also speculation that the measure would give President Obama an even higher rating among classmates of his daughters Malia Ann and Natasha.

"If we can't laugh about flatulence, this country has far more problems than I expected before taking this job,” President Obama wrote in an e-mail to cabinet members.

The president has urged the Democratic-controlled Congress to fill up on beans, tofu and carbonated beverages before the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, so he can push this idea into law.

The House of Representatives was preparing to vote by midday and the Senate was expected to follow in the early evening, but there was still no final agreement between Senate Democratic and Republican leaders to do so.

When asked her opinion on the president’s new measure, Republican Congresswoman Kathy McMorris Rodgers said, "It is common knowledge that ladies do not fart."

Warmer Seas Broiling Ready-to-Eat Fish

Earth's oceans have become so warm as a result of global climate change that ready-to-eat fish are washing ashore.

Spontaneous fish fry's began early last month on Hollywood Beach in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when a group of surfer's noticed the scrumptuos pieces of fish washing ashore.

"At first I thought the alcohol was making me hallucinate," Don Frapse said with a cackle. "But it was a freakin' fish fry."

Frapse and his friends confirmed that the fish are either fried or broiled and sometimes come ashore with a seaweed salad.

"This is the best fish I have ever tasted," Hoolywood beach lifeguard Sandy Waifer said.Since then, Spontaneous fish fry's have taken place at beaches in Australia, California, and Brazil, serving up delicious seafood like cod, swordfish and even lobster tails.

"Mother nature's one crazy bitch," Evan Alms offered as an explanation for the dismembered and fried lobster tails.

Experts are researching Nature's laltest mystery, and the FDA is advising everyone to approach the ready-to-eat fish with caution.

When asked about the potential danger of these fried fish, Don Frapse had this to say: "Hell, I say approach 'em with some lemon wedges and cocktail sauce."

Government to Spend 5 Billion Teaching Homeless How Best to Use a Dollar

Washington-First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the Teaching Across Dumpsters Program (TAD) Monday to help educate the homeless on positive spending habits.

The 6-week course will take place outside of dumpsters across America, where panelists will lecture on the history and purpose of money, followed by interactive hypotheticals with the students.

"By showing students the difference between a flask of whiskey and a McDonald’s burger, we can show them that we really need them to help the economy too," Mrs. Obama said to a crowd on the steps of the Library of Congress.

Five billion dollars worth of taxpayers money will fund TAD professors and be used to give five tax free dollars to each homeless person who successfully completes the course.

Past administrations have tried to address the country's homeless problem by opening up soup kitchens and homeless shelters, but critics agree those steps have only watered down the real issue of homelessness in this country.

“For the first time in history, someone is actually doing something proactive about the homeless," Harvard Economist Dwight Dewinstein said. “TAD is a way to give the homeless a little pull.”