Killer Whale Enters Rehab

Orlando-After killing yet another trainer at Sea World, killer whale Tilikum will enter a rehabilitation center to eliminate his hunger for humans while receiving treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Psychiatrists have monitored the mammal since the incident on Tuesday in which he dragged a trainer into the water and held her underwater long enough to drown her, and deduced that he is resentful at his small living space. Animal Psychiatrist Dr. Von Faust believes that a 12-step program will help him to deal with his anger issues and accept his position in life.

“They are usually not happy when they come in and lash out and it is very abusive at first,” Von Fraust said waving his right leg stump. “But I persist and try to teach them how to believe in a higher power and meditation techniques. And they either learn to accept their lot in life or we have to put them to sleep.”

The recent incident also has doctors questioning Tilikum’s ability to handle fortune and fame. T-shirts, mugs and baseball caps with his name and image can be found in gift shops throughout the amusement park and he has helped Sea World sell millions of dollars worth of ticket.

“It might also help their self-esteem if we gave them a name that’s a bit more peaceful than ‘killer whale.’ Sea World employee and member of the Center for the Obvious Seth Roebuck said.

Roomba Sneaks into Curling Match at Olympics

Vancouver – An iRobot Roomba appeared in the midst of an Olympics curling competition between Sweden and Japan yesterday, after being discombobulated by all of the brooms on the ice.

The autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner was navigating the stadium bleachers around 3PM when due to a wiring problem accidentally flew onto the ice, knocking two stones away from the target.

“It was cute, really,” Judge Edie Franklin said. “The little guy just wanted a piece of the action.”

The Roomba, whose shape and size are indistinguishable to that of the stones used in curling, remained undetected on the ice for another 10 minutes, until a Japanese referee noticed subtle movement.

“I’ve been judging these games for 35 years so I can smell a rat like that,” Dick Sweeney said touching the tip of his nose.

Curling is a team Olympic sport in which stones are slid across sheets of ice towards a target area accompanied by sweepers with brooms to heat the ice giving the stones greater potential to slide. It has been an official sport of the Winter Olympic Games since 1998.

The International Olympic Committee is currently hashing out the details for a new summer sport involving Roombas to counter the game of curling. Officials close to the committee have hinted that the game would involve a dirty maze the machines must clean their way through, and will exert even less energy than curling.

“The only duty available for humans would be turning the machine on, which I say would burn 5 calories,” Olympics historian Seth Feingold said. “But the strategy is in the program the Roomba would be set to, which will burn somewhere between 7 and 15 calories.”

When asked if it would be interested in participating in such a sport, the Roomba emitted a contact-sensing noise and flashed its infrared sensor.

Possessed Dog Runs Amok in Central Park after Hearing Bobby Brown’s Music

New York-Bingo, a stray dog that has been wandering the boroughs of New York for six years, became possessed earlier today after hearing Bobby Brown’s 1988 hit single, My Prerogative.

The dog entered Rasta Records on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and 126th street in Harlem around 11 this morning. He wandered the store for a few minutes eating scraps of food then lay down next to a group of teenagers congregated in the back room.

“We were just listening to some old tunes, you know, and hanging out, and, you know, getting high and stuff. And I put on an old Bobby Brown record and you know, the dog just lost it and his eyes turned all freaky,” teen Adam Wessler said.

Police arrived on the scene by 11:30 to restrain the rabid dog, which had been breaking records and biting store employees. After several failed attempts at using a taser gun on the animal, police turned to religious figures for help.

“There was a lot of drug paraphernalia in the store so the dog could have digested some PCP and cannabis to make him go crazy,” Wild Animal Expert and Police Officer Patrick Butter said. “But the chances of demonic possession caused by a Bobby Brown hit song are far more likely, so we needed to put our faith in the church.”

Father Tony of Holy Sacred Merriment Church arrived with rosaries and holy water to perform an exorcism a few hours later, and was last seen chasing the demonic dog into Central Park.

Bobby Brown could not be reached for comment on the matter, but a spokesperson has made it very clear that “he is not a demon.”