Quebec Chef Chastised for Serving Thanksgiving Poutine

Derby Line, VT-An American family chastised a Canadian Chef yesterday when he served them a Thanksgiving poutine at his restaurant along the United States-Canada border.

The Henderson’s car broke down around 5pm on Thursday on their way to a cousin’s house in a neighboring town when they entered the restaurant famished and requested a Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one they were missing.

Canadian Chef Pierre Chammoneuvre modified a Quebec diner staple consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curd and covered with brown gravy to include stuffing, cranberries and pieces of turkey that he presented to the family with warm holiday wishes.

“It was disgusting and a mockery of one of the greatest holidays,” Mr. Henderson said. “The kids were screaming and scared shitless and my wife hasn’t stopped crying since.”

Chammoneuvre says he chose the dish in an effort to bring Americans and Canadians together on the holiday and never expected such an adverse reaction.

“Maybe I overdid the cheese curds and gravy,” he said.

The Henderson’s said they would not press charges and plan on entering therapy to overcome this incident and hopefully reclaim some semblance of their previous life.

“Thanksgiving will never be the same,” Mrs. Henderson said.

German Tourist Outraged by Lack of Dispute at Theater Arts Panel

New York-German Tourist Greta Von Haussen expressed outrage last night at a panel sponsored by NYU’s Journalism Department on the changing landscape of theater and theater reviews.

The panel contained a journalist, a blogger, and a performer, and centered around the impact that “citizen journalists” have on theater reviews and people’s appreciation for the arts—a topic the German tourist could not understand.

After asking several inarticulate and irrelevant questions to the humble panelists, Haussen began screaming and demanding that she see an argument.

“Vhere is ze contradiction? I came to see you arkue but it seems like you just vent to be nice to each other,” Haussen said. “I vant to get my money’s vorth. I vant a real debate.”

The panel assembled as a way for prospective graduate students of NYU’s journalism program to get involved with local media, and offered free tickets and refreshments for the sophisticated audience.

“We were just talking about how the online media affects theater reviews,” confused moderator Bill Sarrmon said.

Free Lube Jobs to Help Fight Homophobia

Starbucks announced yesterday the, get a free lube job with any store purchase to help fight homophobia initiative, after getting on board with a new non-governmental organization (NGO), GayOkay.

American actor, Ben Affleck began the NGO to help bring awareness to the growing homosexual community and provide a springboard for anyone else ‘who wants to give being gay a spin’.

“I am very pleased that Starbucks has agreed to work with me and I guarantee we will see a reduction in homophobia once coffee customers get in line for their free lube jobs,” Affleck told to a crowd of teens outside a Wichita Kansas Starbucks.

For the next few weeks, at Starbucks around the country, gay men will be standing near the condiments section ready to give customers a jolt that no caffeinated beverage will ever provide.

BJ Volunteer, Ed Whites told reporters he is eager to help out in any way and will try his hardest to bring awareness to the hetero community.

“I can hardly contain my excitement at the prospects and if Ben Affleck approves then I know it’s the right thing to do.”

Walmart Offers Gynecological Exams at Check-out Lines

National - The American chain of discount department stores has announced that along with slashing prices on holiday dinner favorites, televisions and other electronics throughout their stores they will begin offering gynecological exams and last-minute medical care to customers waiting in the checkout lines.

The news comes just days after the store cut prices to help compete with other stores like Kmart and Target, who have drastically reduced prices in preparation for the holiday rush.

“I have to wait down at the welfare office for 3 hours every week, I don’t got time to see a doctor, so I can get a quick check-up when I’m in line to buy my cigarettes and ramen noodles.” Walmart shopper Barbie Petucki said.

Walmart spokesperson Seth McFaden says the exams will be performed by GED holders who are equipped with the basic anatomy skills and street smarts to detect the most elusive STD’s and infections.

“They know what a knife or scalpel looks like, and most of our staff has had to perform at least one abortion on their own already so we’re pretty confident in their abilities.”