Family Cat Rates Netflix Movies

New York – The Joneses were astonished last night when they returned home to find their computer logged into the rental-by-mail website Netlfix, and their cat Whiskers rating films in their queue.

The Joneses had known that something was ‘fishy’ with their DVD rental system for the past week or so, because they kept receiving films like Finding Nemo and Puss in Boots. They never expected the culprit to be their lovable pet.

“I just don’t understand it,” Mrs. Jones said in between sobs. “We raised Whiskers to be an honest cat and then this.”

The couple has worked with their film rental company to be reimbursed for the errors in shipment and will be changing the security settings on their remote controls so something like this does not happen again.

“Another incident like this and we might have to just put him down,” Mr. Jones said.

Area Douche Bag Jacked up on Chicken

New York - Police responded to a disturbance in Times Square earlier today and arrested Ray Finklestein who was wreaking havoc on the city streets.

The proclaimed 'douche bag' was ripping parking meters out of the ground and throwing garbage cans across city streets to show off his big muscles after wolfing down nine pounds of chicken on his lunch break.

"The guy is such a douche bag and always monopolizes the microwave in the break room," colleauge Quincy Jones said. "He's so obsessed with himself and his big muscles."

Finklestein was placed in a holding cell at the county jail for three hours while his hormone levels calmed down. Police then escorted him out of the building with a $5,000 fine and a recipe book of safer to eat, high-protein meals.

"The fine for disorderly conduct and damage to property is usually $1,000," officer Sparks said,. "But this guy was such a douche bag we made him pay a little more."