New York – A group of yuppies gathered outside of J. Crew on Fifth Avenue Friday and burned Birkenstocks in an act of defiance against hippies and their tree-hugging agenda. The conservative group says hippies have influenced popular culture for far too long with the influx of vegan grocery stores and head shops throughout the city. Yuppies say it is time for corporate executives and companies like Starbucks and Apple to reclaim the city.
“These people spread lies about pacifism and smell real bad,” Yuppie Donald Renke said on his way to a meeting at the Cornell Club.
Hippies responded to the act by singing songs of love and peace in a drum circle on the north lawn of Central Park. Their tree-hugging methods disrupted sunbathers and families gathering in the public space.
One mother, Samantha Redding, claimed that the hippies in Central Park ruined her child’s fifth birthday party.
“These hippies have gone too far,” Redding said. “My kid is at home crying because those degenerates were mocking us for eating cake that was made from eggs and milk.”
“Dude, people just need to chill out and be happy,” hippie Luke said blowing a cloud of marijuana smoke into the air.
