Officials Say City Buildings Are ‘Stressed Out’

New York- After performing official ‘stress tests’ on banking institutes and other long-standing buildings in the city, officials have determined that, much like their human counterparts, buildings in New York City are suffering from anxiety and tension.

The news comes on the heels of a recession that has seen massive building closures and construction halts, leaving centuries-old buildings feeling lonely and worthless.

“Feelings of depression are more concrete for establishments, and can only be broken down when we start to build relationships with them,” High-rise Hypnotist Larry Flindster said at a book signing for his newly released publication, Cry Building Cry.

Flindster is a frontrunner in a new line of therapy available to assist condominiums, brownstones, and low-rises in finding purpose to their lives through communication techniques and topical drugs.

President Barack Obama vowed to take this issue to a head, by spending part of the $768 billion bailout money to ensure that abandoned buildings be put to good use.

“We can’t be picky during these tough times,” Obama said during a press conference outside the White House, “and I encourage squatters, prostitutes and crack heads to give these lonely buildings something to live for.”