Thursday, February 14, 2008

New Website Gives People a Modern Way to Expire


WiFiDie.com offers hospice care to the soon-to-be-stiff, with virtual nurses who electronically retrieve household objects, administer drugs, and offer companionship for 29.99 a week. After logging onto the website, customers complete forms about their deteriorating bodies and personal care needs to ensure they get the best nursing before their time is up.

Gamewerks CEO Brad Winkes developed the system last summer when he needed to tend to his mother, who was dying of emphysema.

“There were only so many days I could miss playing World of Warcraft before I had to think of alternative care solutions,” Wilkes said, sucking from his slender cigarette. “And, I have a family and stuff too.”

WiFiDie.com has been active for 3 months and has already aided over 100 people to their final resting place.

“I liked how Carol my virtual nurse would tell me when I won a game of solitaire,” Mrs. Winkes commented between coughs from her deathbed.

Others find the red power light and drone of the computer comforting. “When I hear that motor spin I realize that I don’t have to go through this alone,” Dean McFaber said taking her final breaths of life.

WiFiDie.com is not without its problems however, and some say its time to pull the plug on the website.

Cassandra Rohm signed on when she was in the final stages of AIDS, but did not find the solace she was looking for.

“I had to go to the bathroom and instead of bringing my bed pan, Computer Cindy updated Norton Anti-Virus.” Rohm’s said.

For 6 weeks before Rohm’s end, dissatisfaction drove her to a state of destruction.

Rohm’s neighbor recalls, “You wouldn’t hear a peep from her all day and then, in the middle of the night, you could hear her yelling, ‘slow, slow, so fucking slow’. We didn’t think she was dangerous. But one night we heard a loud crash and we knew something happened to Computer Cindy.”

Although WiFiDie.com is in its nascent stage, Winkes is devising ways to improve the system. The company plans on upgrading security so no future computers get injured and there is talk of including a voice decoder system which records family members and friends so customers get the feeling that loved ones are right at their fingertips.

Winkes would also like to administer customer service reports to help him improve the system, but their affectability remains dubious.
“By the time we reach customers, it might be too late.”

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