Clinton Gets Menopausal on Campaign Trail

Washington-At a debate in Cleveland on Tuesday, Senator Hillary Clinton shocked the crowd with a violent outburst, one of many menopausal non-sequiturs that has recently befallen the presidential hopeful.

Clinton opened with a nostalgic statement: “I was born and raised in the...fuck, it’s hot in here,” she exclaimed, surprised by her own flare-up. And while trudging forward with the speech—sans additional vulgarity—she began to feverishly scratch at her arm, sending a wary sign to the audience.

“Heroin addicts scratch a lot like what I saw Hillary doing,” Cleveland resident and rally attendee Jeff Sommes said.

Then again, on Wednesday, during an interview with 19 Action News, the Senator became confused and laid down on the couch. “I’m just feeling a bit dizzy,” she said, cutting her interviewer off, mid-sentence. The talk show host waited patiently for the politician to regain stamina, but within seconds, snores were heard throughout the studio.

Most female supporters of Clinton, who average in the 60-year-old age bracket, are sympathetic to their fellow’s biological makeup, and some even enclose tips on relieving menopausal symptoms with their monetary contributions.

But there are others who see Clinton’s conduct as an ominous sign of her deteriorating mental and hormonal capacities.

“I can’t believe that is what I have to look forward to in old age,” a fertile female rally attendee said. “There’s no hope in her ramblings.”

Despite this ‘physical rubicon,’ Senator Hillary Clinton vows to push forward on the campaign trail, and plans to incorporate more soy products and other vitamin-rich foods into her diet to alleviate body fluctuations.

“Although my body is changing, my political stance will not,” Clinton stated at a recent press conference on the matter. “And that’s why we need a Universal Health—oh God, I need some water.”

Medical Breakthrough: Rat Poisoning Aids Insomnia

Dr. Norman Marcus of C.H.I.P. Laboratory in San Francisco, Ca., discovered the lively effects of rat poisoning after giving a small dose to his wife before bedtime one night.

Mrs. Harriet Marcus, 59, was unaware of the toxic poison that was stirred into her chamomile tea, which she drank before dozing off to sleep just after midnight. The following morning she awoke possessed with an amount of energy she claimed to have been lacking since youth.

“I was up at 6 AM practically dancing on air. I pulled some weeds in my daisy garden, played tennis and spent the afternoon shopping.” a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Mrs. Marcus said.

Dr. Marcus, who says he gave the rat poisoning to his wife to silence her incessant complaining about a bad night’s sleep, was just as surprised when she awoke the following morning. He couldn’t have imagined the poisoning would have such an animated effect, and tried to keep his act of goodwill a secret.

“I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to get her hopes up.” Dr. Marcus said sharpening a kitchen knife. “But she asked me. And then she asked me again. And she wouldn’t stop asking me about the tea.” he seethed.

Mrs. Marcus says the medicine was so good she plans to drink the mixture every night, despite ominous warnings from the scientific community and family friends.

“This guy is insane and is going to hurt someone,” protested Harriet’s brother, Stan Keiser. Further inquest shows that Stan Keiser has been lacking a good night’s sleep for years and suggests he is jealous of his sister’s new-found remedy.

Dr. Marcus plans on continuing his research to aid insomnia suffers with other experiments including multiple stab wounds to kick-start the unconscious into sleep and fires surrounding the bed to ensure the sleeper is warm and cozy.

Experiments will continue in his quiet home and Marcus’ loving wife will remain his guinea pig.

“She’s such a good sport,” Marcus squeaked. “Why won’t she just di- dye her hair black?”

Citizens Protest: Chemical Waste Plant Lacks A Starbucks

Fairbanks, Alaska- Citizens gathered in front of a recently constructed chemical waste plant Wednesday to speak out against the lack of a Starbucks coffee shop on the premises.

Fairbanks resident and coffee connoisseur Nora Wilson has traveled the world looking for the perfect cup of Joe and says, “nothing beats the ‘buck.” She brought her ideas back to Alaska and accumulated a following of thirsty townspeople who claim it a birthright to have a Starbucks on every street corner.

And because of Starbucks’ worldwide popularity, Wilson worries that if rural Alaskan towns and corporate buildings like the waste plant don’t act now, there won’t be anything left for future generations.

“Where are my kids and grandkids going to get their coffee from if we don’t take action now?” Wilson commented, as the sickly deer traversed the newly laid concrete.

The new chemical waste plant, built upon acres of deforested land, is owned and run by American Red Bull Manager, Herb Wate, who is against polluting bodies with high-calorie, fat containing beverages like many drinks on the Starbucks menu.

“Got to stay in shape, got to stay in shape,” Wate chanted while racing from the front of the chemical waste plant to the lone tree planted in the parking lot.

The popular activist group Greenpeace also made it to the rally to show support in large numbers.

“Starbucks is so eco-friendly, man. So, check it, simile: It’s like we wouldn’t be harming the environment at all.” said a poetic Greenpeace spokesperson.

Starbucks supporters have drafted plans for town hall to show how easy it would be to open the coffee shop and they say the scent of coffee would drown out the horrendous odor coming from the chemical plant.

“By dumping some waste into a nearby river, we can easily convert a storage room into a Starbucks.” a cold and fatigued townsperson uttered.

But while the debates continue, city officials conclude, “Starbucks coffee shops will become less and less necessary once global warming starts heating things up.”

Canda Clothing Collection Faulty Omen for Local Misfit

Saskatchewan, CA-Kelly Saunders found her future written on a t-shirt tag by Canda—a clothing line in large chain department stores that provides affordable fashion for the lower middle class—sending her to Canada where she is now imprisoned at Saskatchewan Federal Penitentiary.

In the spring of 2003, Saunders life was not going the way she had planned. Her boyfriend of 5 weeks left her, the 12-karat gold plating that made up her two front teeth was falling out, and her promotion at the local Dairy Queen where she had been working for the past 2 years never came.

That was when Saunders decided to go shopping to ease her troubled mind and found the ticket to determine her future.

“I was in Wal-Mart’s dressin’ room, takin’ the security button and price tag off a shirt when I found what I was looking for,” she explained through the prison window.

Before slipping the shirt over her head, Saunders caught a glimpse of a Canda tag on the back of the garment, and believed this was a sign from above. Without hesitation, Saunders packed up her trailer home and headed north on the interstate towards the Canada border.

Weeks prior to her discovery, Father Donald Petrod of The Church of Holy Haw in Hot Springs, Arkansas, assured Saunders that she would soon find the guidance she was looking for.

“I told her she would get an omen,” Father Petrod said shaking his head. “but any idiot knows the difference between Canada and Canda.”

Just after crossing the border, Saunders checked into an off-highway motel for the night where the police intercepted her.

“She looked like a nice enough lady, so I checked her into a room,” motel clerk Eric Weiser said. “It wasn’t until after I gave her the room key that I saw her picture on a wanted poster that was tacked on my board.”

Police generated the wanted poster after victim Lee Farsum’s garden gnome was stolen from her lawn in the quaint town of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan, where stealing lawn ornaments is a federal offense punishable by up to 3 years in prison.

Although the photo resembles Saunders, her guilt remains unconfirmed while police try to find records confirming her whereabouts during the time of the incident.

From her jail cell, Saunders is working with lawyers to prove her innocence and they will be taking the Canda clothing company to court for false advertising.

“The label got Ms. Saunders into more trouble than she ever bargained for,” Saunders’ lawyer said in a recent hearing.

New Website Gives People a Modern Way to Expire

WiFiDie.com offers hospice care to the soon-to-be-stiff, with virtual nurses who electronically retrieve household objects, administer drugs, and offer companionship for 29.99 a week. After logging onto the website, customers complete forms about their deteriorating bodies and personal care needs to ensure they get the best nursing before their time is up.

Gamewerks CEO Brad Winkes developed the system last summer when he needed to tend to his mother, who was dying of emphysema.

“There were only so many days I could miss playing World of Warcraft before I had to think of alternative care solutions,” Wilkes said, sucking from his slender cigarette. “And, I have a family and stuff too.”

WiFiDie.com has been active for 3 months and has already aided over 100 people to their final resting place.

“I liked how Carol my virtual nurse would tell me when I won a game of solitaire,” Mrs. Winkes commented between coughs from her deathbed.

Others find the red power light and drone of the computer comforting. “When I hear that motor spin I realize that I don’t have to go through this alone,” Dean McFaber said taking her final breaths of life.

WiFiDie.com is not without its problems however, and some say its time to pull the plug on the website.

Cassandra Rohm signed on when she was in the final stages of AIDS, but did not find the solace she was looking for.

“I had to go to the bathroom and instead of bringing my bed pan, Computer Cindy updated Norton Anti-Virus.” Rohm’s said.

For 6 weeks before Rohm’s end, dissatisfaction drove her to a state of destruction.

Rohm’s neighbor recalls, “You wouldn’t hear a peep from her all day and then, in the middle of the night, you could hear her yelling, ‘slow, slow, so fucking slow’. We didn’t think she was dangerous. But one night we heard a loud crash and we knew something happened to Computer Cindy.”

Although WiFiDie.com is in its nascent stage, Winkes is devising ways to improve the system. The company plans on upgrading security so no future computers get injured and there is talk of including a voice decoder system which records family members and friends so customers get the feeling that loved ones are right at their fingertips.

Winkes would also like to administer customer service reports to help him improve the system, but their affectability remains dubious.
“By the time we reach customers, it might be too late.”

Romney Revamped

Topeka-Recommitted Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney debuted his new goal to ensure every man, woman and child has immaculate hair, at a rally with 2,000 people in Topeka, Kansas on Saturday morning, hoping to give his campaign more volume.

Speaking with a slight lisp, Romney invoked Ronald Reagan, Richard M. Nixon and other past presidents who had impeccable hair thanks to superior styling products and hairdressers. As he said, he was running to strengthen the follicles of America for the next generation of Americans, who shouldn’t have to wear wigs like our forefathers.

“Superfluous problems like hair loss deter country goals,” Romney said, running a hand through his luscious head of brown hair. “And when I think of the bald people who have led us in the past, failure and shame come to mind,” he bluntly added.

“I use nothing but the best for my hair and if I use it, so should the country,” Romney said, holding up a bottle of L’Oréal hairspray and smiling warmly into a camera.

Referring to Mr. McCain, Romney said at one point, “My opponent will not commit to styling products,” triggering applause from the thick-haired crowd. “He won’t even commit to hair plugs.”

In his defense, McCain said: “My God loves all people whether they have hair or not.”

But, unlike Mr. Romney, whose God prefers attractive, white men and women, McCain’s God believes genocide is a fitting response to terrorist threats—a key difference, he argues.

Governor Romney also touted his experience with small businesses and migrant workers.

“My hairdresser’s armpits might smell, but she does the best damn shampooing job on her humble $1.50 an hour wage, which is what this country needs to promote.” Governor Romney said, sparking chants of Romney! Romney! from the crowd.

He also said that he wanted to “tackle dandruff” – the chief cause of segregation and social discomfort.

“We need a shampooer, we need a rinser, and we need a repeater in the White House,” he said. “Because I believe every man, woman and child deserves immaculate hair.”

Mr. Romney, who says he is in the campaign for the long run, states he would not have been able to go on if it weren’t for the support of his hairdresser and the financial backing from name-brand hairstyling companies. He left Topeka in the early afternoon to hold rallies on Tuesday in two other states before catching an evening performance of the hit musical Hairspray, in New York City.

Don’t Feed The Children

Frankfurt, KY-Riverside Rainbow Elementary School caught another parent slipping a twinkie through the school yard fence in violation of the school’s new “Fit for Frankfurt” program.

Beth Hornum and her son Dwayne were caught exchanging sugary goods across the schoolyard fence last Thursday at 1:35 PM by hall monitor and 4th grade student Brice Matterson.

The Hornums complied with school regulations for offenders and arrived in the school’s detention hall the following morning at 7 AM.

“I thought I was helping my kid, because he gets depressed without his sugar. Bu I have realized the err of my ways,” Hornum commented on her way out of the detention hall.

At the initiative of School President Scott Kirkland, Riverside Rainbow Elementary implemented “Fit For Frankfurt,” a program intended to keep students and staff healthy by prohibiting fat-containing and sugar-based foods on school grounds. “When additional school funds are going into widening buildings to accommodate obese children, there is a problem,” says Kirkland, who found himself losing out on money each year.

In order to ensure compliance, school security was beefed up to include sugar-detectors that children must pass through upon entering the building as well as random breathalyzers administered to any child in suspect.

Although these efforts were taken to promote a healthy lifestyle, the change has sparked a biting controversy with some parents.

Wanda Dessmond, mother of elementary students Bobby and Kenny, is asking parents to join together and petition the health inspector’s orders. “I think the school has gone too far. We let these schools teach our kids about reading and writing and science. Isn’t that enough?”

In a recent PTA meeting, Wanda presented “The 6 food groups” and urged parents to not neglect the sugar and fast food food groups. As an offering to fellow parents, she handed out cheeseburgers and fries from the local Burger King, where she is general manager.

Riverside Rainbow Elementary says they will not stop their efforts to provide a safer eating environment for the student. The school is working with African cities where people spend less than 50 cents a day on meals and remain fit enough to get in and out of hut doors.

V.P. Kirkland summarizes the issue: “If you and your kids don’t like it, take your fat asses elsewhere.”

2 Cherries Spontaneously Popped at Annual Virginity Ball

Helena, MT-An innocent gathering of the World Virgin Organization turned bloody when 2 young women’s cherries spontaneously popped.

“I heard screaming coming from one of the upper rooms of the mansion,” virgin Sarah Reinhardt recalled. “I saw Christine go upstairs earlier with this new girl Sharles and I thought something happened.”

When Sarah reached her friend in the master bedroom, Christine was tranquilly laying on a bed while Sharles was smoking a cigarette in another corner of the room.

Christine, who arrived at the party with new WVO member Sharles, brought the lanky newcomer upstairs to swap recipes, when Sharles allegedly saw something crawl up the fellow virgin’s inner thigh. “I know Christine’s afraid of spiders so I told her to get undressed to make sure she wouldn’t get bit by anything poisonous,” Sharles recalled, adjusting her lopsided cleavage.

That was when Christine passed out.

The girl awoke minutes later feeling flush and Sharles assured her she had gotten the bug away, but only after the poor girl had been bitten and de-flowered.

“I, uh, got the bug away and then I heard this noise. It sounded like a pop,” said Sharles, with a flinty voice.

To calm the then hysterical girl, whose virginity license was immediately revoked by the WVO, it was suggested Christine return to the party and forget that anything ever happened.

Sarah and Sharles remained in the bedroom to clean up the mess.

Five minutes later, there was another scream and a second virgin’s cherry spontaneously popped.

“Sharles suggested we have a pillow fight to calm our nerves,” Sarah says, “And the next thing I knew I was no longer a virgin.”

Despite being shaken by the event the two virgins have agreed to put this incident behind them after touring their tragic tale on talk shows around the world.

Life long Virgin and party host Mary empathized with the unsuspecting girls. “You don’t ask for these things, they just happen,” she said, adjusting the halo above her head. “I spontaneously conceived and thank God my girl friend Soseph was there to comfort me through it all.”

The Virginity Ball is a national event that began in 1978, by the World Virgin Organization to celebrate chastity. Until 3 days ago, the WVO had been cherry popping free for more than 2000 years. That record has now been re-set.

“I don’t know if we can have another event like this,” said WVO Vice President Francis Blum, “One spontaneous de-flowering is one too many for this group.”