Threatening Post-it Notes Placed Around Office

New York-Employees of Ran Spam Publishing Company arrived to work this morning to find threatening post-it notes on desks, cubicle walls and computer monitors.

The post-it notes contained menacing phrases like Watch Out, Don’t Forget and, simply, Cheeseburger.

“I am the victim of a hate crime,” editor/vegetarian Lynn Garner said referring to the meat-oriented post-it note affixed to her computer monitor.

Security cameras show no sign of a break-in and top officials with the company have suggested that this is an inside job.

Free T-Shirts Blind Bank Employees from Robbery

Trenton, NJ – A bank robbery that occurred at the National State City Bank at 1 pm yesterday went undetected for an hour because of employees excitement with free t-shirts from the banks radio sponsor, WOOPS.

At approximately 1:45 pm window teller Dana Rothink was returning to her post wearing a free t-shirt decorated with bubbles and stars, when she noticed registers in disarray and the bank’s safe door wide open.

“I guess I got so caught up in things that I wasn’t paying attention,” Rothink said.

Video footage showed the masked robber casually walking into the bank with a gun slung over his shoulder just as employees huddled around the cardboard boxes filled with varying sizes of free t-shirts.

The interoffice interrogation continued with security guard Frank Chiles who had this to say: “Who in their right mind would pass up an opportunity for a free t-shirt?”

Mattel Unveils Barbie Foreclosure Set

Countrywide Financial Corporation and Mattel Inc have joined forces to give little girls [and boys] a playful taste of reality featuring the ubiquitous Barbie doll.

The new Barbie Foreclosure Set comes with all the accessories a poor girl needs for getting thrown out on the streets. The set includes a house with boarded up windows and doors, an empty pocketbook, plastic food stamps, and a countrywide foreclosure agent Barbie can reason with. Best friend puppy comes along too, with a fish skeleton to nibble on when hunger sets in.

“This will give my little girl hand on experience for the future that awaits her,” one mother said.

The set, which is projected to be on store shelves nationwide by the end of September, is part of Mattel Inc.’s recent measures to give an educational purpose for their plastic products.

“We want our kids to have fun while facing reality,” a Mattel representative

In early 2009, Mattel Inc. says it will complete the set with Trailer Trash Barbie, and accessories including a flask and hooker clothes.

Nike Inc. Erects $2.2M Statue Outside Chinese Factory

Dongguan- Nike Inc. unveiled a bronze statue of Nike, the Greek goddess outside of their factory located in the Guangdong province of China last week.

The effigy was created as a symbol of the company’s winning products and successful sales over the years. Manager’s also hoped it would beautify the otherwise drab factory while sending a message of joy to the factory workers.

“This statue is to show our appreciation to the hard workers of Dong-dong...uh, China, who maintain a steady work pace despite low-tech assembly machines and minimal breaks” Nike CEO Mark Parker said.

The overworked and underpaid employees posed beside the statue for a photo in the afternoon and everyone took part in the evening potluck with mouth-watering dishes that included lima beans, tofu, and tofu with salt.

When asked to share her feelings about the magnanimous statue, factory worker Su Ki Jimming said, “I make 3 dollar day.”

Terrorist Group Attacks Green

The internationally-renowned terrorist group, al-Qaeda is making headlines again, but this time for all the right reasons.

Al-Qaeda cells operating out of Afghanistan have begun experimenting with more environmentally-friendly means for wreaking havoc across the globe. The group is focusing its energy on creating solar-powered suicide bombs and hand-grenades made from recycled materials.

“In order to achieve our goals for autonomous Muslim countries, we must destroy our enemies without destroying our planet,” al-Qaeda member Mamdouh Yousef said.

Some say the group is even going above and beyond the call of duty, however. The organization recently enforced a new policy requiring all [living] members to collect aluminum cans, paper, and plastic from the after-math of bombed sites, and deposit these items at the nearest recycling site.

Al-Qaeda's diligence is being lauded by world leaders. President Bush plans on holding an awards ceremony to commemorate the terrorist organization’s green efforts, while looking at ways his own country can promote ecological weapons of mass destruction.

A White House spokesperson concluded: “Let al-Qaeda be an example to every nation with a penchant for war.”

2-Ft Incline Deemed Mountain by Manhattanite

New York – Lifelong New York City resident Peter Sisco, 47, asserts that he climbed a ‘mountain’ in Manhattan’s financial district last Sunday afternoon.

While walking the windy downtown streets in search of a hot dog stand before boarding the Staten Island Ferry, Sisco approached a foot of 2-inch incline in the road at broad Street and Exchange Place.

“I’ve never seen a mountain, but I’ve heard lots about them and this is sort of like what was described,” Sisco said.

The man went on to say that he needed to stop at the halfway point to rest and swore to a noticeable increase in air pressure.

Says Sisco’s mother, “Our boy doesn’t get out much.”