Nelsonville, MO- Evangelist Anita Drakle of The Church of Jesus Christ began giving LSD to adolescent followers to help kids to hear the message of the lord, following incessant complaints of not hearing anything, sources said Monday.
“I heard Jesusu once, and I even think I saw him the last time I took spiritual mushrooms,” 9-years-old Jake Wermner said while swatting at imaginary bugs in the air. “But he went into a rabbit-hole before I could ask for salvation.”
The church and this practice have come under fire before, when, in 1992, cafeteria food was laced with peyote and the delusional children accused one another of witchcraft, hosting impromptu burnings and crucifixions. No child was harmed “any more than Jesus intended” and the government remained out of the affair, following the Constitution’s First Amendment, which allows for Evangelists to freely exercise their religion.
“I heard Jesusu once, and I even think I saw him the last time I took spiritual mushrooms,” 9-years-old Jake Wermner said while swatting at imaginary bugs in the air. “But he went into a rabbit-hole before I could ask for salvation.”
The church and this practice have come under fire before, when, in 1992, cafeteria food was laced with peyote and the delusional children accused one another of witchcraft, hosting impromptu burnings and crucifixions. No child was harmed “any more than Jesus intended” and the government remained out of the affair, following the Constitution’s First Amendment, which allows for Evangelists to freely exercise their religion.
And after this last psychedelic incident involving 4 church members, an Easy-Bake Oven and an elephant, local law offiicials are looking into ways to stop the mastermind behind this trippy theology.
“Spreading the good news is just too much work for one person, so I tap into Jesus’ natural resources to help me,” Drakle commented. “And when those kids amble the Technicolor country road late at night, they are doing it in the name of the Lord and are under the influence of his all-natural, spiritual powers.”
The interview ended abruptly there, when Drakle began chasing after an imaginary gopher that purportedly stole her contact lens cleaner.
“Spreading the good news is just too much work for one person, so I tap into Jesus’ natural resources to help me,” Drakle commented. “And when those kids amble the Technicolor country road late at night, they are doing it in the name of the Lord and are under the influence of his all-natural, spiritual powers.”
The interview ended abruptly there, when Drakle began chasing after an imaginary gopher that purportedly stole her contact lens cleaner.
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